Chapter 34: Imperfect Trust

We're so late.

It's all I can think as we push through the doors into the ballroom and some sixty odd people twist in their chairs to look at us. The cellist playing the background music stutters over her strings.

"On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to come in the door they were expecting the bride to come through," James says under his breath.

Except the bride is already here, standing at the front of the room and conversing with Mum in frantic whispers, and when she sees us standing in the doorway, her face contorts. I can almost feel her wrath all the way across the room.

Petunia thrusts her bouquet to one of her bridesmaids and strides down the aisle in the reverse direction she typically would, her veil askew, the train of her white gown billowing behind her.

"Oh Merlin," I whisper, shrinking under her laser-sharp gaze.

When she reaches us, her fingers wrap around my upper arm, digging into my skin. "Out. Now," she hisses. She glares at James. "You too."

She drags me, and James hurries after us back out the door. I hear Mum shout to the wedding guests. "Please relax for just a moment more! We will be right back!" Then she scurries out too, followed by a bemused Dad and a purple-faced Vernon.

Once the door slams shut, it's deathly quiet in the entrance hall.

"How dare you," Petunia says, her voice quivering with rage.

"Petunia, dear," Mum starts, but for once, Petunia ignores her, focused on me and me alone.

"You begged to be here. You promised not to make a scene. You said HE wouldn't be here!" She points to James without looking at him. He says nothing, just takes a step closer to me. His shoulder presses reassuringly against mine.

"Petunia, I can explain," I start.

"And look at you!" she shouts, not letting me talk. "Not only are you inexcusably late and ruining my big day, but you have the gall to show up like... like this!" She waves a hand, encapsulating the absolute disaster James and I look. At least I'd managed to recover my shoes before we'd come inside. "You're a mess!"

"Well, I didn't mean for this to happen," I say, starting to get annoyed. "I mean, we did almost die to be here."

"Die?" Mum and Dad both echo in alarm.

Petunia scoffs. "Don't be dramatic, Lily."

"No, really!" I say. "I just went for a walk before the ceremony and a bunch of... of Dark wizards showed up and attacked me –"

"This!" Petunia shrieks, cutting me off again. "This is exactly why I didn't want you here! I just knew you'd have to drag magic into it and make it all about you! You always have to ruin everything, you and your world! It's not normal, Lily, and I don't want any part of it!"

"You have no idea what she just went through," James says, his voice quiet but fierce. "What she did for you."

"You keep your mouth shut," Vernon growls. "The last thing I need is for some magician to further mess up our day."

James glares at him but, to my surprise, doesn't respond. I slide my hand into his and give his fingers a grateful squeeze. His hand tightens around mine.

"The way I see it," Vernon continues, looking satisfied James keeps quiet, "is if you've attracted other... others of your lot here, you're a safety risk."

I open my mouth to argue, but falter. I don't have a response to that. I hate it, but in a way, he's right. I don't know why, but it seemed the only reason the Death Eaters were here tonight was me.

But I can't leave now. They still might come back. They wouldn't know if I left.

"Tuney?" I ask, my voice small.

"I don't want you here, Lily," she says harshly.

"Mum?" I ask, voice shaking.
She looks around at all of us, at a loss for words. Finally, she says, "Clearly, there's things going on with all of you that we – your father and I – didn't realize." She focuses on me. "Lily, are you okay?"

I nod. "I'm fine," I say. Even though I felt I owed it to Petunia to give a good explanation for our tardiness, I find myself kind of wishing I'd kept the attack to myself. I've tried so hard to shield Mum and Dad from this part of the Wizarding world.

She shifts her gaze. "James?"

He nods too. "All taken care of," he says.

She looks between the two of us.

"Mum!" Petunia says, growing impatient. "It's my wedding!"

"I know, Petunia!" Mum snaps, showing irritation for the first time. She turns back to James and me and sighs. "Well, if the two of you really are okay, maybe..." she looks at Petunia. "...maybe it would be best, Lily, if you left. Safer for you to be home where you won't be attacked again. James, honey, I'm sorry to ask, but would you make sure Lily gets home safely?"

James looks to me and nods.

My heart sinks. I want to protest, but I look at Petunia too. The look of absolute disgust she gives me crumbles my resolve.

"Okay," I say. I wipe the back of my hand across my eyes and try to pass it off as brushing dirt off my face. "I'll see you at home, Mum and Dad."

"Of course, sweetheart," Dad says, coming to hug me.

Mum hugs James. "It was nice to see you again. Glad you could take time away from your family party to help Lily."

"Uh, right," James says. "Family party."

When Mum hugs me, she squeezes extra tight. "You will explain to me what happened tonight."

Busted.

James and I head for the door, but before we walk out, I turn back.

"Petunia, I really am so sorry. I hope the rest of your wedding is perfect."

She says nothing, just turns her back on me.

We leave without another word.

"We're not actually leaving, right?" James asks as soon as we're outside.

"Like hell we're leaving," I say. "And leave them all defenseless if those Death Eaters do come back? Vernon's an idiot to think us leaving would be safer."

"Good," James says. "I thought as much."

I want to tell him how much I appreciated his support in there, but instead I say, "Where are those chaotic mates of yours? Think they'd help us set up a perimeter?"

"I guarantee it. You get started on the Defensive Charms, and I'll go find them."

"You sure? You don't need help tracking them down out here? They could be anywhere in the woods," I say doubtfully, peering at the darkened trees.

"Positive," he says. "I'll be right back." Before I can question further, he brushes a kiss on my cheek and takes off. Within moments, I've completely lost sight of him in the night.

I stand frozen, my hand cupping the spot where his lips touched me. If my cheek tingled that time James touched it in Hogsmeade, it's nothing – nothing – compared to how it feels now. You could hold a lit match to my face and I wouldn't even notice, that's how brightly his touch burns. Somehow, I manage to pull myself together, giving my head a little shake, and start circling the house, murmuring spells. The air shimmers as I go.

I haven't quite made it around the back when the four of them burst out of the trees, streaking towards me, the moonlight gleaming off their heads, feet crunching in the icy snow.

"All's been quiet since you left us," Sirius reports when they reach me. "James says we're on guard duty until the wedding's over?"

"Only if you want to," I say. "I'm not making any of you stay at my stupid sister's wedding to an even stupider idiot."

"Not going to take points from Gryffindor if we don't? Put us into detention?"

Peter cackles.

"Don't push your luck, Black," I say, but I'm grinning. I look around at all of them. "You'll really stay?"

"We're staying, Lily," Remus says, and I feel emotional all over again.

"Even if I'm not sure they deserve it," Sirius says.

"We won't leave you alone to do this." James knocks his arm against mine. That spot on my cheek pulses and glows.

"Thank you," I whisper.

"No more hugs," Sirius says.

I laugh, and it sounds watery. "Wouldn't dream of it."

We start to plan, listing the defensive charms we still need to put up and what sections of the grounds each of us will take to watch for another attack.

"Any idea what they were even doing here, though?" Remus asks. The four of them look at me.

I've been pondering that question too, especially since Vernon accused me of attracting trouble here tonight. I got her, one of them had yelled. It made sense, at least more sense than Death Eaters targeting Petunia's wedding at random.

"I think..." I say slowly. "I think it had something to do with me. I don't know why, but I think they were after me."

James swears and I resist the urge to take his hand again. (I don't think I could handle Sirius's reaction if I did).

I station myself at the front of the manor; if Death Eaters do return, I want to be the one they have to go through first. James insists on taking the section of the woods just to the left of me, and Remus takes the grounds to the right. Peter and Sirius split what's left around back, with Sirius promising to do regular laps around the outer perimeter of the woods as a whole.

"Really?" I ask doubtfully. "That's a lot of ground to cover."

Sirius gives me a confident grin. "You'd be surprised. I'm pretty quick."

"Show-off," James mumbles. "I'm still not sure you have me beat."

"Definitely not me," Remus says, suddenly mischievous. "But at least we all know you're faster than Wormtail."

"Whatever," Peter says, toeing the snow.

"What am I missing?" I ask. Clearly there's some inside joke I'm not privvy to going on here.

"Nothing," James says quickly, immediately making it clear that I am missing something.

I clear my throat. "Right, well, if you're all done deciding who's fastest, I'm going to finish up these Defensive Spells and we can spread out. Send up red sparks if you need help."

Hours later, and everything is still. I've spent a lot of the time pacing the driveway to keep warm, my breath coming out in little pale clouds, alternately watching the sky for sparks and the forest for unusual movement. When my hands start to get too cold, I conjure up a small flame that hovers just above my palms while I walk.

Every now and then, I see James or Remus on either side of me, pacing the tree line, disappearing into the woods, weaving back out.

But all stays quiet.

Until much later, when a faint melody drifts across the snow. At first, I don't understand what I'm hearing, where the music is coming from. I scan my surroundings, catching sight of Remus, standing alert at the very edge of the trees but unalarmed. I can't see James at all. But then a couple more bars of the music plays and I recognize the song – Sailing by Rod Stewart. It's from Petunia's wedding playlist, might even be her first dance song. It must be time for the dancing, and someone must have propped a window open. I relax.

The music continues, alternating mostly peppy, upbeat numbers with some slower songs, floating almost dream-like in the night. The cold air amplifies the music, swells it enough that I can almost pretend I'm inside with my family, warm and happy, celebrating.

"The music is just starting,

Night is calling

and I am falling,

Dance with me..."

I sway, looking up at the stars, a couple tears making tracks down my cheeks.

"Dance?" someone says quietly.

I turn, and there's James, holding out a hand.

The sight of him standing there, here after everything... it does something to me.

James, this absolute mess of a boy, the same one who on that first day of school this year I was so dismayed to find in the prefects carriage, Head Boy badge pinned to his chest, is now someone I could not imagine my life without. I'm so tangled up with him I wouldn't even know how to begin to cut him back out. He's my tutor, a constant pain in my butt, my co-conspirator, my friend. The one person I depend on, more than anyone else.

His expression is all at once unsure and hopeful, and it all but breaks my heart. I want to slip a finger behind his glasses to smooth the crease between his eyes. I want to wrap him in a hug, close and tight and fierce, like the one from the fight in the woods, and stay there, inhale the way the smoke from the battle and the frosty, piney night air lingers on his white shirt.

Instead, I take his hand. "I'd like that."

The smile he gives me in return almost makes me kiss him right then.

When he turns to face me, my heart beats very fast, making my arms feel shaky and weightless. He still has my hand in one of his, but he hesitates to place the other. He swallows, and I realize he's nervous too.

The thought sends warmth all through me, right down to my frozen toes. I step in closer to him and rest my free hand on his shoulder, and he slips his around my waist, and then we dance.

At first, we don't say much. Neither of us are particularly skilled dancers, even if this is just the sway back and forth kind. In any case, I'm glad for the excuse to watch my feet. We find the rhythm eventually, though. I take a deep breath, let it relax my shoulders, and lift my eyes. I find his already waiting for me.

He doesn't smile though. The worried crease behind his glasses is back.

"I feel like I still owe you an apology," he says softly.

"What for?" I ask.

"What do you mean, what for?" he asks incredulously. "Does the phrase 'dinner at Stoneground Cucina' mean anything to you?"

"Oh. That," I say. "Well, you did write."

"And you didn't answer," he says. "Not that I blame you."

"James," I say. "Honestly, it's fine. I've lived with Tuney my whole life and I still can't stand her most of the time. She and Vernon are exceptionally difficult people to get along with. In fact, I'm sorry you had to see all that, and that I got mad at you for sticking up for me."

He squints at me. "Where's the Lily that said she couldn't even look at me? Screamed it, actually. Because she was totally justified. You asked something of me, and I messed it up. Majorly. No excuses."

"James," I say again, but he overrides me.

"You were right, too, when you said you couldn't trust me," he says, looking away. "How can you? I do keep failing with you. You know there's things I'm not being honest about with you. There are…" he hesitates, searching for the correct way to phrase it, "… certain things I haven't been telling you." I flashback to the times he's missed tutoring and rounds with me at school, the mysterious projects he and the other Marauders have huddled around, even just now, with the four of them joking about something they clearly want left a secret.

He takes a deep breath and meets my eyes, grimacing. "Things that I'm not going to tell you. But Lily, it's not because I don't trust you. I'd trust you with my life. Merlin, I already did." He lets go of me with one hand, lifting it to his head to run it through his hair. "So I'm sorry that this feels like anything but that. But these… things… I just… I just can't tell you. They… it… I… agh!" He breaks off with a groan of frustration. "I just can't tell you, and that's all I can really say. But I promise, if I could, I would tell you. In a heartbeat."

We sway in silence for a few moments. "I believe you," I say finally. "I don't like it, but I believe you."

"Thank you," he exhales, barely audible over the music, quiet as it is out here. The song has switched, the melody softer and slower.

"Longer than there've been stars up in the heavens..."

When his hand drops from his hair, instead of taking mine again, he settles it on my waist so both his arms are around me. My free hand finds its way around his neck.

I study the world around us, the glittering snow, the tops of the pine trees scratching the black sky. "You know," I say slowly, "I trust you too."

I hear his sharp intake of breath, but I still don't look at him. "It's… complicated," I say, "and it's not complete but… you saved my life, James." Now I do turn my head to face him again. "I mean, I may struggle trusting you all the time." I roll my eyes. "I still can't believe I can't even trust you to behave at one dinner."

He smiles ruefully. "I can apologize again. I can even apologize to Petunia and Vernon, if you think that'd help."

"I think the best way you could help them is to never interact with them again," I say dryly.

"Done," he says quickly, and I snort.

But then I shake my head. "But the point is... that stuff doesn't really matter, does it? Because when I really, really needed help, I... thought of you. Before anyone else. And you..." My voice breaks. I push on. "You found me. And when you were here, I didn't doubt, not even for a second, that you had my back. I knew you'd go down fighting with me." I swallow. "For me," I say, more quietly.

His arms on my waist tighten, and the movement pulls me closer to him. "It's true," he says, just as quiet.

He's unbearably close now, and I make the mistake of looking up at him. He's close enough it feels like we're sharing breath. I can see the small patch at his jawline he'd missed shaving, the gold flecks in his eyes near his pupils.

"James," I say, and I have no clue what I'm going to say next. Probably something very, very stupid.

"And then there's that," he whispers. "What am I supposed to do with you calling me by my name?" He raises one of his hands off my waist to push a curl out of my face, but then his fingers trail the rest of the way down my cheek to my jaw. I shiver. "Because, when you do, it makes me hope..."

"Hope what?" My voice is barely audible, barely more than an exhale.

But I don't get to find out.

"Oi! You two do realize there's a wedding party headed outside right now, don't you?"

James curses, turning to look up the drive towards the manor.

"Peter!" I say. "Where did you come from?"

"Never mind! Let's go."

We make a mad dash into the shrubbery lining the long drive, and not a moment too soon. My feet have only just left the pavement when the front door flings open and the wedding guests come pouring out with the golden light.

"James," I hiss in the darkness. Then I bite my tongue, remembering what he'd just said about me using his name. I stumble on. "Or... er... Potter. Whatever. If you're so fast, go find Remus and Sirius, tell them the wedding's over and to stay out of sight."

"On it," he whispers back. A few seconds later, I hear him crashing away. I wince. Maybe he is fast, but for the life of me, I can't figure out why he's so loud. Whatever. Hopefully no one hears over the wedding celebrations, or even if they do, they'll just think it's a bit of wildlife, like a deer or some monstrous badger.

That leaves Peter and me crouching in the bushes, watching the crowd of people around the door form a line on either side of the walkway. A moment later, Petunia and Vernon walk out to a shower of cheers and rice. They pause halfway down the celebratory corridor to kiss deeply. Then they pile into Vernon's famous 1975 Mercedes-Benz S class. The headlights beam down the road, just feet from where we're hiding, and I catch a glimpse of Petunia's face as they cruise past. She looks... happy. She really does.

"Protego," I whisper, pointing my wand at their car before they turn the bend. Just a little extra security for them until they get back to the main road.

In fact, every car who exits after that gets the same treatment, an unknown blessing from me. I feel a rush of relief when my parents' car goes by, followed by satisfaction. Everyone is leaving this wedding unscathed.

Finally, every last car has left. The manor sits dark and unremarkable. Peter and I unfold ourselves from our hiding spot at the same time Sirius, Remus, and James emerge from the woods on the opposite side of the drive.

"We did it!" Sirius says. "Even if it is a little disappointing we didn't end up seeing any action."

"Speak for yourself," I say, rubbing absently at the burn on my arm. James frowns when he notices.

Peter shifts his weight. "Well, if we're all good here, I actually should really be getting home..."

James laughs. "Classic Wormtail. Can stand guard for Death Eaters so long as he's home to his parents before eleven."

"Well, they don't know about the Death Eater part," he says petulantly.

"Don't let these prats get to you, Peter," I say. "I'm glad you were here. Really."' I look around the circle. "All of you. Thank you so much. Just don't expect any special treatment when we get back to school."

Sirius barks a laugh. Peter rolls his eyes and, calling his goodbyes, trots down the road a ways until he's beyond the protective enchantments and vanishes with a pop.

Remus turns to Sirius. "Actually, Pads, like Peter, we'd better get back to school too if we have any chance of McGonagall not noticing we've been gone." He looks at James and me. "You guys going to be okay?"

"We'll be leaving too," I say. "I need to beat Mum home."

"Thank Merlin for magic," Sirius says. Then they, too, bound down the road to vanish on the same spot Peter had, leaving James and me alone.

I turn to him. That fluttering intensity from earlier has mostly dissipated, thanks to his mates and making sure everyone was getting home safely. Still, I feel the need to try to lighten the mood.

"And you, James Potter, are the absolute best. I don't know what I would have done without you tonight. Died, probably." I mean it as a joke, but James winces.

"Sorry," I say. "Not funny. I'll leave the humor to you four. I just meant... thanks. For, you know... literally everything."

"Thank you," he says, "for having my back, too. And... I'm sorry. Again. For... literally everything."

I start to protest, but he cuts me off.

"Lily, about what you said earlier, about not being able to trust me…"

"I do trust you," I say.

"But not completely," he says. "And I don't blame you. But I have something for you. It's not everything, but I hope it's something enough to start earning some more of your trust." He digs in his trouser pocket, extracting a large envelope, one so large I know he would have had to use magic to make it fit.

"Thank you," I say, taking it. "Should I open it now, or...?"

"No," he says, shaking his head. "Later. When you feel ready." His lips twitch in a wry little smile. "And maybe when I'm not around so you can't hex me even if you want to."

That should probably worry me more, but I get distracted by that little smile, thinking back to how close we'd been when we were dancing...

I stow the letter in my dress pocket before I get too carried away. Sure enough, it shrinks accommodatingly to fit.

He watches, almost anxiously. "Just keep that safe, yeah?"

"Of course," I say.

"And keep yourself safe," he says. "No more Death Eater run-ins."

"No more," I vow.

We stand there, not moving, just watching each other for the next move. Everyone's gone. We've got no one left to protect, no reason to continue standing out here in the bitterly cold December night, so cold it stings my exposed fingers and cheeks. But neither of us makes a move to leave.

And I know why I don't.

I want to go back to that moment before Peter and the wedding party interrupted us. I want to know what he was going to say.

I want him to kiss me.

"Well, I guess I'll see you in a few days back at school," James finally says, breaking the silence.

"Right," I say, bobbing my head, attempting to cover up the stab of disappointment. "I'll see you at school. Right. Bye, James."

"Bye, Lily." He starts to turn on the spot, preparing to disapparate, but I yell, "Wait!"

He stops, turning to look back at me in surprise, but I'm already running to him.

I crash into him and throw my arms around his neck. He lets out an "oof" of surprise, but the sound cuts off as I press my lips to his.

There's a moment where everything is frozen – the air around us, James in shock, the tip of his nose brushing my cheek, maybe even time – and then James wraps both arms around my waist and kisses me back and nothing could possibly be frozen when I'm feeling so decidedly, deliciously warm.

When we break apart several moments later, James stares down at me, his face a picture of absolute shock. "Lily…" he says, and, underneath the teasing and incredulity and surprise, I can hear... joy.

Oh Merlin. What have you done now, Lily Evans?

"Anyways, bye James – Potter! I meant Potter! Bye!" I squeak, and wriggle out of his arms.

"Wait! Lily!"

But I do not wait. I run away from him further into the trees and, before he can catch up, turn on the spot and disapparate.