Author's Note: Read [bracketed] text as struck-through! Thanks for all the love you guys give this fic! It means the world to me!

I exhale.

Despite my reassurances to my mum, a part of me is skeptical this is the right decision. Seeing how anxious she is has me worried, too. I was attacked the last time I was around other witches and wizards. What's really keeping me safe now?

I'll relax once I'm back in the safety of the castle.

But for now... I need a compartment. And fast.

Unfortunately, my options for seating companions are pretty slim. I have no clue where Marlene is; she's supposed to be on the train back to school today, too, but I haven't seen her and I'm not about to go searching the train, because then I might run into James, and I really don't think I could handle a one-on-one conversation with him yet. The whole train ride back to Hogwarts alone with him when I'm still sorting through my feelings and his secrets?

Yeah, no.

What I need is a buffer. What I need is…

When I see them, I almost laugh out loud. Because it's ridiculous and yet… kind of perfect. James wouldn't dare bring up the kiss around her. Before I can second-guess it, I slide into the compartment after Mary and Carol.

The click of the door closing behind me makes them both look up.

"Lily?" Mary asks in surprise.

"Can I sit with you guys?" I ask. "I can't find anywhere else."

"There's nowhere else for you?" Carol scowls. Her eyes flick to the two open seats in their compartment, like she wishes they were occupied.

I shrug. "I guess I could try to find James."

The challenge hangs. Carol glares and I see the indecision warring behind her eyes: endure the whole train ride with me, or send me off to James. Neither are ideal. Mary makes the decision for her.

"Of course you can sit here," she says, and my shoulders relax.

"Thanks." I take the seat next to Mary. "I'll be quiet, I promise." I pull a book out of my bag and wave it at them. Normally I wouldn't play so nice with Carol but I wouldn't put it past her to kick me out just for breathing too loud, and I really do need a place to sit.

"You better be," Carol says nastily, but I ignore her. Out the window, the view has already changed from cityscape to pine trees and frozen terrain. We're well on our way, and I know it'll only be a matter of time before James comes looking for me. I crack open my book, my heartbeat in my throat ticking down the time I have left.

I only hope Carol's as good a buffer as I'm counting on her to be.

The trolley witch has only just gone by with lunch when the compartment door slides open again and there he is.

James.

I drop my eyes back to my book.

"James!" Carol says. She spent all morning complaining under her breath to Mary and throwing me vicious looks. It was bad enough I almost wished I'd faced James instead of enduring her. But now that he's here, she drops her murderous demeanor and beams at him.

"Hey," James says, easing into the compartment. His eyes dart from Carol to Mary to me, like he's trying to make sense of the three of us together. Even with my gaze on my book, I feel his attention settle on me. "Hi, Lily."

This is it. I can do this. I take a deep breath and look up. "Hey."

But immediately, looking at him is a mistake. His dark hair sticks up in every direction, like all he's been doing since the train left King's Cross station is running his hands through it. He hasn't changed into his robes yet, the hem of his white shirt hanging untucked under his sweater, and his glasses sit a little crooked. He should look a mess, but he doesn't. Of course he doesn't, and I fight to keep my gaze steady on him. Really. He has no right looking the way he does right now in his Muggle clothes. Jeans should not have this effect on me. And now all my brain can fixate on is how the last time we were together, I kissed him.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"I've been looking for you," he says finally.

Carol cuts in before I can respond. "We've been here the whole time," she says. Like James had been looking for all of us, and not me specifically.

He glances at her. "Right," he says. "I just didn't expect to find you all together." His eyes come back to me. Every time they meet mine, it's a jolt to my heart, and I can't hardly take the tension.

"I couldn't find Marlene," I say, finally looking away. My face heats. Like not being able to find Marlene explains why I'd choose Carol as my next best option.

"You should have tried to find me," he says, and my heart pinches again.

"She found us instead," Carol says, attempting to reinsert herself into the conversation.

James ignores her. "We don't need a prefect meeting, do we?" he asks me.

"No," I answer. I fiddle with my Head Girl badge. "Not all of them are on the train. We'll meet on Sunday like normal."

"Right," he says. "That's what I thought." There's another awkward pause, and he scrubs a hand through his hair. Carol looks between the two of us, frustration furrowing her brow.

"Look, Lily," James says. "I've got a compartment at the back of the train with Frank and Alice. Do you want to –"

"We were just about to play wizard's chess," Carol blurts, and everyone finally turns to look at her.

"Really?" James says. He sounds deeply skeptical, and for good reason; there's no chess board in sight.

"Yes," she says. Her expression dares me to disagree.

"Yeah," I echo. "Robins is dying for me to show her up." Carol wrinkles her nose behind James's back but she can barely argue.

"Well, alright," James says. "I guess I'll just… see you later then."

He says it to me, but Carol answers. "See you later."

Again, he ignores her. With one last frown at me, he's gone.

I heave a sigh.

"Why don't you want to talk to James?" Mary asks, looking from the closed door to me in confusion.

"Who says James wanted to talk to her?" Carol says.

"How about that game of chess, Carol?" I say.

"Shut up."

/

As soon as we arrive in Hogsmeade, Carol drags Mary off without me. I roll my eyes at her retreating back. Like I want to spend any more time with her, either. The afternoon since James's visit had been even more uncomfortable in the compartment and I spent most of the time wishing I went with James – not so that I could talk to him, but so I could escape Carol's wrath and talk to Alice. My encounter with James left me more confused than ever and watching Carol and Mary whisper together while Carol shot me death glares made me realize I haven't had the chance to tell anyone what happened between James and me. Maybe if I could talk it out with someone, I could figure out what to do…

Deep in thought, I board one of the horseless carriages.

"Um… hi, Lily."

I jump. For a moment, I worry I've boarded a carriage with James and I'm going to have to deal with him regardless of how unprepared I feel. When I realize it's not him, relief relaxes my tension, but it's quickly eclipsed by uneasiness. Even though it isn't James, sitting alone in a carriage with Severus isn't exactly ideal.

"Wow. Um. Hi, Severus," I say.

I don't know what else to say. Last I saw Sev, he stormed away at Slughorn's party, furious I hadn't told him about Petunia's wedding and that James was going with me. And it's not like I had been all that happy with him, either. He'd taken Rosier's word over mine about the whole Hogsmeade fiasco and had been hiding Emma's relationship with Rosier for months.

But before I can decide if it would be better to leave the carriage, it lurches forward. We're on our way to the castle, and I'm stuck in here with Sev for the next ten minutes whether I want to be or not.

But I suppose it could be worse.

I mean, I could be stuck in here with James.

And, in any case, after we ride in silence for the first few minutes, I'm starting to think maybe it's not that big of a deal to be in a carriage with Severus if he's not going to speak to me anyway.

Until, of course, he does.

"How was the wedding?"

I hesitate to answer. Not only am I worried about upsetting him by saying anything too positive about James being there, I'm also not sure how much I say about the Death Eaters. I want to talk to Professor Dumbledore first. He'd said he'd hope to meet with James and me again once we returned to school.

"It was... alright," I say carefully. I search for a safe detail to share. "They had it at this little manor in the middle of the forest. It was actually kind of magical." There we go. Pretty neutral details, and not at all a lie. Lots of magic that night.

"Good," he says quietly. Then, with forced casualty, "Did Potter make it?"

I worry my lip with my teeth while I try to figure out how to spin this answer as safe as the last. But there's really no way around it, and I'm not going to lie. "Yes," I admit.

I chance a glance at him. He's staring down at his knees, his cheek ticking like he's chewing on it.

But when he finally does speak, his voice is careful. "I'm glad it worked out."

"Well, it didn't exactly 'work out'," I say.

Now he does look at me, eyebrows raised in anticipation. "Why not? Potter screw something up?"

"Not at all," I say. There's a very long pause. "I... got attacked," I admit.

"What?" Severus's eyes widen, the whites showing all the way around his black irises. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I say.

"What happened?" he demands.

"I got ambushed when I went out for some air. Ja-" I break off. Despite my losing (lost) battle of continuing to call James 'Potter', I feel like using 'James' right now with Severus wouldn't be the best move. He's already being a remarkably good sport about James coming to the wedding and using 'James' would feel like rubbing the whole thing in his face. "Potter and his mates came and backed me up."

If Severus notices my hesitation around which name to use for James, he doesn't show it. "But who was it?" he presses. "That attacked you?"

"Death Eaters." I whisper it, even though we're alone in the carriage.

But instead of looking surprised, Severus drops his gaze to his hands in his lap again.

"Sev?" I ask. "What is it?"

When he looks back up at me, his expression is horrified.

"Sev?" I say again, more urgently. "What is it?"

"Lily," he says. "I have to tell you something. I know who attacked you."

I gape at him. "Wha... how... who?"

But before he can answer, the carriage sways to a stop and the door swings magically open.

I'm frozen, torn between desperately wanting to hear what Severus has to say and fear of being cornered in the carriage by any unwanted company.

Severus licks his lips, nervously. "But Lily, you..."

Rosier pokes his head in the doorway. "You in here, Severus?" Then he sees me, and his whole demeanor changes. His eyes hood and his mouth falls into a growl. Even his stance swells.

That makes my decision for me.

I stand.

"I'll talk to you later, Sev," I say, and I give him a very meaningful look, my back to Rosier. You will tell me.

Then I grit my teeth and push past Rosier down the step. "Excuse me," I say, the words polite though my tone certainly isn't.

When I hit the ground and straighten up, I almost bump into Emmeline. I look from her to Rosier and back again. I roll my eyes. "Really, Em?"

She opens her mouth, but I leave before she can defend herself.

/

"Evans!" Sirius Black's voice booms across the common room as I straighten up on the other side of the portrait hole. "I've got a bone to pick with you!"

I pause, my eyes scanning the group of students he's with. I'd bypassed the Great Hall, serving a late dinner to those of us getting off the train, figuring that's where James would be and not altogether in the mood to get cornered over my mashed potatoes. Thankfully, though, it's just Sirius, Remus, and Peter sitting together in a group of armchairs in the center of the room, surrounded by a bunch of other students celebrating the last night of holidays before classes start again in the morning.

"Oh, hello," I say, waving vaguely toward them and resuming my march to the dormitories. "Really can't talk right now, things to do, you know. Lots of unpacking."

"Now wait a moment," Sirius says, starting to get up. "You've been no help this weekend. Do you have any idea what James has been putting us through?"

I sigh. This makes another thing I don't want to handle right now. I have no clue what all these boys know, but I have a sneaking suspicion based on that irritated letter they'd sent me James had told them everything.

Which means this is another conversation I don't want to have.

"Not now," I say, dodging around Sirius and Peter, who have both made their way over to me, though Remus stays seated. Bless him, he's so nice and uncomplicated like that. Even if he looks entirely amused by this whole situation. "But I'll catch up with you lot tomorrow, yeah?"

And I dash up the stairs to the girls' dormitory before any of them can protest further.

The dormitory is blessedly empty. I shut the door behind me, lean back, and blow out a huge breath of air. Wonderful, quiet, safe solitude. There's no way I'm leaving the dorm tonight.

One last night to figure out what to do about James, what to tell him. What to decide. I have a full day of classes tomorrow, with so very many times I will have to see him...

I crawl into bed.

I don't have to worry about that until tomorrow.

/

Alice comes up some time later. I've pulled out a quill and some parchment and started writing Mum. She'll be delighted I'm so prompt.

"I didn't know you were up here," Alice says, hesitating in the doorway.

"Well here I am," I say without looking at her, focused on my letter.

I can tell she's deliberating if she wants to deal with me, but then she walks over to her bed next to mine and rummages around in her trunk. Neither of us say anything for a minute. Then, finally, when she straightens up, holding her shower stuff, she asks, a little stiffly, "So how was your holidays?"

"Oh, you know, fine. Celebrated Christmas, went to my stupid sister's wedding, got thrown out of my stupid sister's wedding after she blamed me for getting attacked by Death Eater's at her stupid wedding. You know. The usual."

"Wait, what?" Alice freezes on her way to the showers.

"Mm-hmm," I say. It feels so good to get it all out. My anxiety over facing James tomorrow spurs me on. "And then my parents almost didn't let me come back, and Professor Dumbledore came to my house to jail-break me, it was a whole thing."

Alice's mouth drops open. "Wha..."

"Oh, and also I kissed James," I say, because this is the thing more than anything else I really need to talk about.

Alice drops her pajamas. They land in a heap at her feet, but she doesn't move to pick them up. In a second, she's scrambled onto my bed, all thoughts of our feud and her shower forgotten. "Alright Lily. SPILL."

"I thought you were mad at me," I say, turning just my head to look at her where she's perched next to my pillow.

"I am," she says. "But we can deal with that. I mean, you are one of my best friends. And I think you're the one that said all friendships go through rough spots every now and then. But right now, I think you need to talk."

I look at her.

"Now," she says. "Go."

I can't help it; I smile, and it's a little tearful.

"We're going to be okay?" I ask.

She rolls her eyes. "Of course, Lily. But if you don't start talking about Death Eater attacks and kissing James in like three seconds…"

I laugh. The way she phrases it, I can't tell if she doesn't think the kiss is a bigger deal than the Death Eater attack.

I'm not sure I don't think it is, either.

"Okay," I say, pulling myself upright and setting my letter aside. "But we've got to back way up. So my sister got married over holidays and James offered to be my date…"

I catch her up on my whole wild holiday. It's a relief to finally unload on Alice; there's something about girlfriends knowing all the right spots in a story to gasp, or giggle, or let out a, "he didn't!" It's much better than telling my parents or Professor Dumbledore.

When I relay the Death Eater attack, she stops me. "Are you okay, Lily?" she asks.

"I'm fine," I reassure her. "I mean, it was crazy and scary in the moment but I had help. It turned out alright."

Which brings me to James.

"And, well, then before he could leave, I just kind of… you know." I look down. I can't even finish the sentence. I'm still so mortified I did it, just threw myself at him like that.

"No, I don't know," Alice says. She's all teasing now, sparkling eyes, ear to ear grin, hands cupping her chin, the whole routine. "Do tell, Lily. You just kind of what?"

I cover my face and groan.

"Come on Lily. Just admit it. And don't think I haven't noticed you haven't dropped a single 'Potter' this whole story. No, it's been 'James' this and 'James' that…"

"Fine!" I shout, throwing my arms wide. "I ran after him and half-tackled him just so I could kiss his handsome face because I DO fancy the stupid prat! Is that what you want to hear?"

Alice cackles, falling backwards on my pillow. "That's exactly what I wanted to hear."

I groan again.

"And then what?" Alice asks, after I've wallowed in my embarrassment a bit longer, and she's calmed down her mad laughter.

"What do you mean?" I say.

"I mean, what did James say? What did you say? Are you guys like… together now?" Her eyes shine too brightly; she's misunderstood the whole end of my story.

"Merlin, no," I say. "And he didn't say anything. Except 'wait Lily, come back.' Because I ran away. And disapparated before he could say anything else."

"Lily!" Alice exclaims.

"Psh," I say. "Are you really even surprised?"

"I mean, no? But also yes?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, no, I guess I'm not surprised. You are uncharacteristically stupid when it comes to James."

I stick my tongue out at her.

"But yes, I'm also surprised because I thought that once you finally realized you two fancied each other, that would be that and everything would be good. I didn't think it would get more complicated."

I stay quiet. When I told Alice the story, it hadn't one hundred percent been the whole story. I'd left out the Marauder's Map, and all the other secrets he has that'd make me so wary about trusting him. Those things hadn't entirely felt like mine to share. So she wouldn't understand why realizing I liked James and then acting on it would make things more complicated.

"It... just does," I say, sighing.

She makes a face but doesn't push. Instead, she says, "And speaking of relationships... we have more we need to talk about."

I look at her with interest. "News about Frank?"

"Huh? No. I mean, Frank and I are great." She blushes, but it's a happy kind of blush, not my mortified one. "He came around the day after Christmas, it was lovely." She shakes her head, like she's trying to shake the smile away. "No, different relationship." She takes a deep breath. "Can we talk about Emmeline?"

I tense. This is, after all, what had triggered our fight before Christmas. "We... can..." I say cautiously. I don't know what angle she wants to take, if she's still upset at me for yelling at Em at the Christmas party.

Alice sighs. "I just don't understand how this could have happened."

I relax. This is a conversation direction I can handle. "Me either," I say.

"Evan Rosier?" Alice muses. "I mean, I suppose not all Slytherins are bad, but Rosier is like... the epitome of stereotypical Slytherin."

"Severus said they've been together since October," I say. "But they've been talking since basically the start of the school year."

Alice gives me a sharp look. "Snape knew? The whole time?"

I wrinkle my nose. "Yes." When she gives me another look, I hurry on. "I know, I know. I wasn't thrilled about it either. Pretty rotten not to tell me this was going on. But he apologized."

Alice raises her eyebrows.

"Let's not argue about Sev anymore," I plead. "I'm not going to make you guys try to interact again. The Christmas party taught me my lesson. But back to Emmeline..."

"Emmeline," Alice sighs.

"She's still talking to you, right?" I say.

"Yes. Though she's not all that pleased with me, either. I Floo'd her over holidays and tried to get some of her reasoning behind Rosier. Got right defensive with me. Said if we were going to accuse her she wasn't going to talk at all. So... yeah. We've got to proceed with caution. All the extra warm feelings with her going forward."

Now it's my turn to harrumph. 'Warm' is not exactly the word I would use to describe how I'm feeling towards Em at the moment. I mean, I miss her as a friend, but really. I just don't understand how she thinks any part of this is a good idea. I remember how she was right there with Rosier at the carriages and scowl.

"I know that face," Alice says. "Lil, you've got to be nice to her. Remember, she is our friend."

"I know," I grumble. "I'll give it my best."

Marlene barges in the door, and both Alice and I jump.

"Oh, hey Lily! Hadn't seen you yet." She looks between Alice and me and beams. "Oh, good, have you two made up then?"

"We're good," I say, grinning. "You have a good holiday?"

"For sure," she says, throwing herself on her bed. "You?"

I make a face.

She laughs. "I sense a story there. Does it by any chance have to do with why James is camped out at the bottom of the girls' stairs?"

Alice bursts into peals of laughter so hard she slips sideways off the bed.

I cover my face with my pillow and groan.

/

Dear Mum,

Look at me, getting right on this letter writing business! So you can't complain I'm back at school, because I'm already holding up my end of the deal. Now it's your turn to follow through. That means no panicking and no trying to show up at Hogwarts tomorrow morning to take me home. [Not like you could. Sorry Mum, but you're a Muggle. Part of why this deal is so skewed in my favor.]

The train ride was [uncomfortable] uneventful. And more good news – Alice and I made up this evening. And so did Severus and I [even if you're not going to be happy about that bit]. It was good to see Marlene again too [although Emmeline went right to bed without saying a word to me]. Already the return to school is shaping up to be right perfect. So, no worrying about me!

I love you. I promise I will write again soon.

Love,

Lily