More Than Friends

"I'm really worried about Severus," I admit to James the next morning. I'd stayed up most the night worrying about Severus's reaction (but also maybe replaying our evening on the Quidditch pitch a time or two...). Finally, around six, I'd relocated to the common room and hoped James would see on the Map and come and find me. It worked, quicker than I expected, and by the time the sun rises over the lake, we're out pacing the grounds, cloaks wrapped tight and breath puffing in icy clouds. James insisted on stopping by the Great Hall before heading out, so he's also carting a stack of toast in his gloved hand.

"Why?" he asks, taking a bite of the top piece.

"He was really upset," I say. "He wouldn't even talk to me, just left before I could even explain anything."

"I'm sure he was just surprised," James reassures me. He offers me a slice of toast and I take it, nibbling morosely at the crust. "I mean, I'm still pretty shocked myself." He flashes me a grin.

"You and me both," I mumble, looking away. I'm glad my cheeks are already flushed from the cold morning air. "But you don't think he'd go back to Rosier and the others over this, do you?" I ask. It's the thing that's kept me obsessing over the interaction.

James takes a long time to answer. I toe one of the remaining patches of snow while I wait, trying to break up all the icy clumps. "No," he says finally.

"But how can you be sure?" I press.

"Because it's you," he says. "You're more important to him than anything else."

I mull that over while James finishes off his breakfast, flush with guilt. I know James is right; Sev's said as much to me, even if not in those exact terms. But Sev's not the most important thing to me. He hasn't been for a long time. My eyes flash to James and then back out at the lake where the ice rims the black water. I'm worried that not being my most important person anymore will wear on Sev over time.

"Lily..." James says. He steps closer, pressing his shoulder against mine. "I know you said yesterday it was alright if... if people saw us. If they know. But we don't have to. If you still want it to be a secret, we can keep it that way." He clears his throat. "I mean, if there's anything to keep a secret. Not that I'm just presuming we're..." He trails off, and I'm not at all surprised when he starts messing with his hair.

"Where's that James Potter confidence now?" I tease. I reach up and pull his hand off his head, clasping it tight in both mine. It feels like a right miracle to be able to just touch him like this, and there's no hesitation for me anymore about what I want. "Let me get a couple things straight," I say. "You do get that I like you, right? Like, definitely more than friends?"

A smile pushes onto his face, and I know he recognizes my words as the same ones he'd said to me weeks and weeks ago. "Yeah," he says softly.

"And you like me, yeah?"

"Definitely more than friends," he answers. His thumb strokes my palm.

"Then let's just enjoy this," I say.

"Okay," he whispers. I'm going to completely lose my focus if he keeps running his fingers along my hands like that.

"As long as you're okay with it," I say, and he pauses.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

I take a deep breath. "Carol," I say.

James tenses, then sighs. "Carol," he says.

"She's still in love with you, you know," I say quietly.

"I know," he says. "I didn't realize it before but... yeah. She is."

"She won't like this," I say. "Not anymore than Severus does."

"I'll talk to her."

I chew my lip. "Does... does she know?"

James darts his eyes to me and then away. "Just about me," he says. "Being an Animagus. But not about Peter and Sirius, and definitely not about Remus."

I mull that over, relief mingling with uncertainty. I'm glad Remus's secret is safe, but I don't understand why she knows anything at all. "Okay."

James catches my hesitation. "I didn't tell her, Lily," he says. "She got... obsessed... about some things there at the end, and she caught me one night. She wasn't ever supposed to find out. The others were furious, worried if I kept things up with her she'd figure everything out. I broke things off pretty soon after that."

So that was why Sirius and Peter disliked her so much. She'd been putting all their secrets at risk. And so had James by dating her. And it was why Sirius had been so short-tempered with me ever since James and I started having all our relationship drama. It must have been horribly reminiscent of last year with Carol.
"You told me once you never really liked her," I say. "Why'd you put up with her for so long?"

James laughs once, short and self-conscious. "Truthfully? I was trying to get over you."

"Oh," I say. His candor flusters me, and I don't know what else to say as relief thrills in my chest. "Well. Okay, then."

He laughs again. "People keep telling you and you keep not listening. I've been hung up on you for ages."

"I honestly did not know," I say.

"I know," he says. "Probably for the best in the long run. In any case, I would have ended things with Carol sooner than I did, except she went through something and then I felt like I couldn't."

"What happened?" I ask.

He pauses. "I... can't tell you," he says. He bites his lip and glances at me. "She doesn't want anyone to know. No one knows but Mary and me, and I..."

But I squeeze his hand to stop him. "It's okay," I say. "I understand. You don't have to tell me." And I mean it. If James is keeping a secret for Carol, he's got good reason to.

He surprises me by leaning in to kiss me.

"Thank you," he says against my mouth.

I answer by pulling him back to me.

"So we're doing this? For real?" he asks as we head back to the castle later, the sun burning away the frost on the grass.
"Yes," I say. "But I need a favor."

"What's that?"

"Can you get Remus to come to the prefect meeting tomorrow?"

Incredibly, true to James's word, Remus shows up to the prefect meeting on Sunday night. He looks terrible, circles under his eyes so dark they look almost purple, and he won't meet anyone's eyes, but he's there. Any other night, the rest of the prefects might have worried about his well-being, but tonight Remus goes completely unobserved; nobody can stop staring at James and me. Probably because when James walked into the meeting with Remus five minutes before it started, he came right over, kissed me on the cheek, and said, "Sorry I'm late. What do you need me to do?"

Everybody who was already there froze, probably waiting for me to pull out my wand and stun him.

Instead, I smiled and took his hand to lead him over to the desk where I had the new rounds schedule waiting to be duplicated. "Take care of these for me, will you?"

Mission accomplished. Now no one would notice Remus at all.

James and I are perfectly professional as we lead the meeting, but the whispers behind our backs while we'd quickly gone over the notes before it started let us know that all those who'd seen us were spreading the word. By the time Tam Mikaelson rolled in, a few minutes late per usual, everyone knew – or at least suspected – the Head Boy and Head Girl were together.

"So, any questions?" I conclude after we've sent the sign up sheets around.

"You mean besides the obvious?" Belby says, and one of the other Hufflepuff prefects snickers.

"I mean about your duties this week," I answer, but James throws an arm around my shoulders.

"Ask away, Belby," he says, grinning.

I shove him off. "Don't you dare encourage them," I tease. To the rest of the room, I say, "If there aren't any questions, we're done and you're good to go. Have a good week!"

Angela catches my eye as she leaves Julie Mackey and Jenny Adams. She beams and I can't help but grin back with a self-conscious but pleased eye roll. Before long, nearly everyone's gone, and Remus hovers in the doorway.

James gives me a questioning look.

"Just let me talk to him," I say quietly.

He looks from me to Remus, leaning against the door frame, and nods.

"Thank you," I whisper, and he kisses me on the forehead before leaving. He stops at the door though, clasping Remus on the shoulder. He says something to him, quiet enough that I can't hear from the other side of the room. Remus nods, his eyes still downcast, and then James is gone.

"Hey," I say, walking up to where Remus waits.

"Hey, Lily," he mumbles.

"Up for an impromptu rounds shift?"

For the first little while, we walk in silence, going about the motions and methodically sweeping the dark castle. It's early in the evening so there's still plenty of students milling around, but as the time ticks closer to the younger students' curfew, we start encouraging them to head back to their common rooms and the corridors slowly clear.

"Let's check the owlery," I say, and Remus follows me there without question. I'm expecting it to be empty this late on a cold dark Sunday, and sure enough, as we push out the castle door to the exterior staircase that leads to the open-air turret, there's no one around.

We hurry into the slight shelter the roosting area provides, though the chill seeps through the glass-less arches. Owls swoop in and out, and the air rustles with wings. I cross and peer up into the rafters where Barnaby usually roosts. He swoops down with a pleased hoot. I stroke his wing and, after a moment's hesitation, Remus joins me.

"James and the others said you've been avoiding me," I say.

He doesn't say anything, just focuses on chuffing Barnaby on the back of his feathery head. He hates it when I do that, but with Remus he leans right in, his large, liquid-dark eyes blinking shut in contentment.

"You don't have to," I say.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to say to you," Remus says.

"Nothing," I say. "You don't have to say anything to me."

"Lily, I could have killed you," Remus says. His voice strangles on the word.

"And it would have been my fault, not yours. And in any case, if I had gotten killed, it wouldn't have been you."

"Yes, it would have," he says harshly. He drops his hand from Barnaby and turns his back on me. "You and James and Sirius and Peter... you all like to pretend it's this minor inconvenience I have, but it's me. It's like... it's like..." He struggles to find the words as he stares out into the night sky. The moon hangs there, the smallest bite taken out of it. "It's like losing control. It's like watching someone else take over and having no power to stop it, but secretly scared that the reason you can't is because you don't actually want to." He shudders and looks down. "And I hate it. I hate me."

"But that's not you," I say, trying to make my voice as soft as the feathers dusting the floor.

"Yes it is," he says. He rounds his shoulders forward, his back still to me, his words swallowed up by the night. "You don't know what you're talking about, Lily."

"Yes, I do," I say. "Because I know you. I know Remus Lupin. Can I tell you about him?"

Remus finally turns to look at me, one eyebrow raised disbelievingly. I take that as my sign to continue.

"Remus is thoughtful, and kind, and a good friend. He's surprisingly funny, and truthfully the only reasonable one out of all his mad mates." His tortured expression cracks a little bit. Encouraged, I go on. "You know you were who I was hoping to be Heads with this year? Because I think you're responsible, and helpful, and a great person. And that's just as true today as it was at the beginning of the year. Because that's who you are." I smile. "The others have it right. The–" I hesitate just for a moment "–werewolf thing really is just a minor inconvenience."

Remus flinches slightly on the word 'werewolf' but otherwise he remains still.

I sigh. "Look, Remus, I really don't hold you responsible at all for what happened the other night. I don't care that it was you, and I'm not going to stop being your friend. If you want to keep avoiding me, I suppose that's your right to try, but you should know I'm not going anywhere."

And finally his face relaxes into the barest beginnings of a smile. "From what I understand," he says, "it'll be impossible for us to get rid of you now that you've finally given in to James."

I grin. "That's right," I say. "You're going to get sick of me with how much I'm about to be around. But I don't care, because that's just more time I get to spend with my stellar mate Remus."

"You're incorrigible, aren't you? James is already rubbing off."

"I'll take that as a compliment," I say. "Now will you let me hug you?"

He exhales in a small way that almost sounds like a laugh, and I cross the room and put my arms around him. He's thinner than I realized, all lean and bones under his robes, but I hug him tight and hope he knows that I mean it when I say, "I'm sorry."