Chapter LXI – New Day

It was a long night.

A long and tense one. Bishop told Aeyrin about what happened, how he killed Cicero in an quite uncharacteristic fit of rage and how he almost got killed by the second assassin. Wait… could it really be called 'almost killed' when the man didn't even try to do anything to him?

That was the question.

What was with that guy? All those idiot assassins wanted to kill Bishop. But he talked about Astrid's vendetta. Wasn't it all of their vendetta? Cicero was certainly pissed at Bishop.

It was fucking weird.

And Bishop didn't trust the unprecedented mercy.

Something was going on. But what?

Well, they wouldn't figure it out that night. The only trace of Bishop's battle was the large bloodstain on the snow at the northern edge of town. Nobody ever went there and if they did… well he killed a horker. Or… wounded. Yeah, wounded. And the animal probably crawled back to the sea to lick its wounds.

Without a blood trail.

Whatever. The story had holes. It wouldn't matter for long.

It was just shitty that the people who needed to be informed were nowhere near. Or maybe they were and they were just too subtle. Or maybe Skald didn't let the Penitus Oculatus station people here. He did allow their last investigation – even called for them, but maybe he didn't like Imperial spies actually here every day.

So, Bishop would turn to the only person he knew he could turn to. During the evening, he and Aeyrin composed another letter for Commander Maro and shoved it into a mailbox by the inn. That was that. They would surely not be in trouble, especially since nobody would report Bishop for anything, but Maro needed to know regardless, even if this wasn't about cleaning up some mess they got into.

More importantly though, there was still the matter of the other assassin. Bishop figured that leaving the city right away might not be safer than staying. The man could be waiting just for that to get them alone and in the wilderness. But the city itself was hardly safe.

He trapped the room securely – something he hadn't done in a while – and they stayed through the night. Neither of them got much sleep though. Was it even possible for anyone to have more trouble on their mind than them at that moment?

Then a new day arrived and they finally left Dawnstar after a brief breakfast which neither of them could even try to enjoy.

Aeyrin should have been excited to finally leave the boring city, but after the events of last night, she wasn't. The eagerness to travel was replaced by constant fear and uneasiness – even worse than before. Why did everything have to go wrong all at once?

They traveled in silence for a long while, each lost in their own thoughts again. They didn't even talk about last night's fight. They just talked about the assassins again and that was it. They both resigned themselves to stew in their own anger and worries.

But the silence was starting to feel stifling to Aeyrin after a while. Maybe it felt the same for him. They were determined not to talk about the underlying issue at all, as if it would make it all go away. But it wasn't going away. She was ready to apologize to him last night. Because if they had to go through this at the most inconvenient time ever, they should at least do it together without barking at each other every minute, right?

How did everything change so much in only a couple of days?

She couldn't let even the good things in life get consumed by this misery, could she? She didn't want things to feel different with Bishop. It felt like he was often the only thing keeping her from going crazy from all the stress. If she felt this distance between them for much longer, then it would just crush her even more.

She looked over at him. He still had that same defeated expression on his face. He didn't even look disturbed or worried anymore just… so tired of it all. She was tired of it too. But they had to go through this together.

"Bish, do you think we could stop for a meal or something?" She asked. It was even surprising to hear her own voice. She hadn't spoken in what felt like ages.

She wasn't really hungry, but she wanted to go somewhere more secluded than the middle of the road and she just wanted to sit by the fire and talk to him.

Bishop raised his brow at her. They rarely stopped for a midday meal on their travels – they usually grabbed rations and then stopped for the night. But after only a second, his face softened.

"Oh. Are you not feeling well? We can stop somewhere."

This again. It was sweet of him. It was just…

Stop it.

Aeyrin chastised herself mentally and only smiled at him in return.

"Thanks," she nodded. It didn't matter why he thought they were stopping.

As long as they could talk for a while.

Even though she really didn't want to talk about this.

…

The fire was burning brightly in their little secluded camp hidden behind the battlements of Fort Fellhammer.

Going inside felt depressing just then. And here they were separated from the road and anything else by the tall stone walls as well as the mountains on the other side.

Bishop had to pry the information out of Aeyrin about what she wanted to eat. He usually decided on his own since she ate everything anytime, but that wasn't the case these days, of course. Still, she didn't seem really concentrated on the food, even though it was the reason she gave him for stopping here. She looked nervous.

She just wanted something light so he prepared some mildly spiced chicken and some potatoes on the fire before he leaned back against the fort's wall with a sigh. Aeyrin was already sitting next to him. She had been watching him while he prepared the meal and now she still didn't stop. He was used to her watching him do whatever, but this felt oddly tense.

Finally he looked back at her. He wanted to ask her how she was feeling, but he held back. It might rile her up again.

"Bish, I think we really need to talk," she sighed after a while of them looking at each other.

Right. Sure. This thing.

"Yeah," he sighed too. "Look, I'm sorry if I'm overbearing. You didn't look good, alright? Still don't," he grumbled. "I can't exactly stop worrying about that. I know we should have left earlier and that… shit wouldn't have happened, but…"

"No, don't," she shook her head. "Don't apologize. I was being…" a bitch. "I shouldn't have snapped at you. I'm sorry."

"It's… fine," he shrugged. He wasn't even mad about her snapping. He wasn't mad at her at all. He was just mad at himself and how fucking poorly he was handling all this. "Alright. We're good then?" He smiled weakly. That stupid fight wasn't even worth their notice, right?

"Well… that isn't what we need to talk about," she chuckled very nervously.

Yeah. He knew. He didn't want to know, but he knew. They've been lashing out at each other or withdrawing from each other because something else plagued them constantly these days.

"Any chance we need to talk about the assassins again?" He dipped his head back, leaning it against the stone wall behind him. He would have honestly preferred that.

She placed a hand on his thigh somewhat comfortingly, but the expression on her face was far from comforting. In fact, it was full of concern.

"Maybe we should talk about the assassins," she scowled a bit. "You kept saying that you snapped and that you shouldn't have done that. Bish, you killed a maniac that was planning to kill you. I don't understand."

He matched her scowl for a while as he weighed his words. He wasn't sure how to explain.

"I could have… ran," he shrugged.

"Could you have?" She raised her brow. Cicero was a skilled assassin and the only advantage Bishop had was the surprise. If he ran, he would just give Cicero a chance to strike, right? And besides… "Why is getting rid of another one of them a bad thing?"

"It's not!" He shook his head. "I just… I thought the other guy would kill me. It was kind of inevitable, right?"

"Yeah," she nodded. "I feel like I should thank him," she scoffed. Who knew one of them would actually leave Bishop be? It had to be some odd plot of theirs – there was no other way. "But… it's not exactly the first time." They'd both faced almost certain death more times than she could count.

"Yeah. But it's different now," he sighed. Alright. They were talking about this. No way out. "I did a fucking risky thing without even thinking while there's… fuck." There was someone else who was going to rely on him. Someone that couldn't exactly take care of themselves like Aeyrin could. It was a terrifying feeling. Especially when he did shit like this. He pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose tightly as if it would help him push back the tightness in his chest at the thought.

When he dared to look at Aeyrin, despite the fact that he didn't actually explain, he only saw her nodding somewhat rapidly in complete understanding. She looked a little choked up, but he couldn't exactly blame her.

"Princess, I'm gonna be a fucking shitty father," he let out a desperate chuckle. "It's not just the guild of assassins that's after me. Fuck. If you knew how I 'raised' my siblings, you would run away from me right now to protect the poor kid."

"I really doubt that," she let out a somewhat amused scoff, but the tremble in her voice was palpable, as were her watery eyes.

"You've met them. You should know by now," he groaned.

"Are you seriously blaming yourself for how your siblings turned out?" Aeyrin gave him an incredulous teary look.

"No… I guess not," he sighed. That was too cruel – he shouldn't be that cruel to himself. At some point, those assholes made their own decisions. And it was not like he paid them much attention, even when he was ordered to. He just didn't let them die or something. But that was precisely the point. "I just… I don't know shit. I spent my whole childhood around little kids and I have no idea how the fuck am I supposed to raise one without turning it into a crappy person. Probably a bandit."

"Not all bandits are bad people," she smiled at him softly, but he promptly shook his head. He knew she was talking about him, but she was wrong.

"They are. You just haven't met him, thank the fucking Gods," he sighed.

"You mean the one that did whatever it takes to protect the people he cared about, no matter what?" Why was he being so unfair to himself? He knew was a good person back then, despite the circumstances. He didn't exactly eagerly participate in those jobs of his, right? He hated it. Why didn't that deserve any credit?

"Bish, you were trying to get out of a shitty situation. You know that. Why are you doubting that? You and I both know what a shitty father looks like and you are the furthest thing from it." She turned towards him a bit more and placed her hand on his cheek, urging his head to turn towards hers so that she could meet his eyes at last. She could still feel the tears in her own, but right then she couldn't really stop herself and got choked up. "If anything, you're gonna be the one carrying the whole thing while I drown in my anxiety," she scoffed at herself.

Bishop nodded at her slowly. She had a point in one thing – he knew what a shitty father looked like. He would never treat any child like Torban did, let alone his own. Fuck, he had trouble treating adults like that when he was doing Thorn's dirty work. Maybe he should be grateful to Torban for one thing – for setting the absolute worst example he could.

It was kind of a nice idea, actually. So many kids were dealt crappy hands in their lives – him and Aeyrin included. Maybe they could actually ensure their kid never had to worry about pissing off its parents, getting beaten or forced into shit no kid should be doing.

And what the fuck was she talking about? As if she ever let down anyone who needed her, despite the situation or anxiety or anything like that.

"Please," he scoffed. "You're the most caring person I ever fucking met. I didn't think people like you existed," he chuckled. "Not for a second did I have doubts about you being great at this."

Aeyrin gave him a small scowl and he promptly smirked.

"Well not this," he gestured to the two of them to indicate the unexpected situation they found themselves in. "At what comes after." Sure, very inconvenient pregnancy was hardly anything that anyone would 'be great at' and they were two shining examples of that. But whenever he saw her interact with kids, he knew she would be great at being a mother, even young as she was. It was the temple upbringing doing a lot of it, sure, but it was also just her. Nobody was as understanding as she was – not even temple people. Well… maybe Therien was. The two who never judged him for his past, despite the somewhat judgmental environment they came from. The man must have passed it on really effectively.

She let her hand slip from his face and moved a little closer to him, nuzzling into his side with a deep sigh.

"I don't know. I just can't see it now," she shook her head. "Everyone's talking about prophecies and there's the… werewolf thing. It's… it's insane."

"I know. It is insane," Bishop sighed. "But it is what it is now. Guess we just gotta make it work. And… you know, trying to give someone a life that's not shitty like ours was… I don't know. It's kinda nice," he smiled weakly.

"It would be, but I'm not so sure we can give them that life," Aeyrin sighed.

"Well… look what happened in two fucking weeks. Two weeks to turn the whole fucking Province upside down. Imagine what will happen in nine months," he smirked.

"That's not encouraging! That only sounds like things will get worse," she huffed.

"You never know. Fuck, at some point our luck just has to turn, right? Things just can't keep getting shittier and shittier."

"Please don't challenge the Gods," she huffed, half in amusement. The other half sounded somewhat worried that it might actually happen and the Gods might make things even worse.

"I don't believe in that crap," Bishop grinned. Gods may have been there somewhere lurking, but they sure as fuck weren't gonna entertain themselves by trying to prove him wrong. Then again, that's definitely something he would do in their place, but they were supposed to be more compassionate or something. "Whatever the fuck's going on, we'll make sure the kid's alright. Gods can go fuck themselves."

She nuzzled closer into him. Divines, did he even realize how comforting it was to have him near again? It was like the proverbial distance between them finally disappeared. Sure, they were definitely both still terrified and worried, but… at least this helped. At least they could panic together and reassure each other.

She needed that.

And maybe the hardships they'd been through would help them raise someone who would be prepared for this – for anything life could throw at them.

In this world, it was certainly a necessary skill.

…

Clearly they both needed this.

Even though their rough patch lasted only a couple of days, it felt like ages. And though the talking didn't diminish the problem, it did make it feel less overwhelming when they had each other to lean on.

They stayed in their camp instead of going further and they spent the entire time talking.

The night fell sooner than they expected so it was for the best to stay until the morning. They were well hidden there and they weren't exactly in a rush anyway. It was a surprisingly calm evening, despite the constant chaos that plagued their lives.

They didn't eat much, or do much, in general. For the last few hours, they'd been spending their time just lying in their bedroll and still discussing the situation.

It wasn't that there were any solutions being discussed, or anything even remotely productive. They were mostly just finally talking out the mess in their heads.

"You know… this kind of makes me feel like an awful person," Aeyrin sighed. A shiver ran down her spine when Bishop ran his fingers gently over her arm. He'd been doing that for a while, but the pleasant shivers came every time. That was pretty much the extent of their intimacy though. Despite being naked and lying there, facing each other in the small bedroll, neither of them really had any urges to indulge in their usual distractions.

Maybe distractions weren't the best idea right then. They tried that and it only made things worse back in Dawnstar. Avoidance was, for once, not the answer, clearly. This was not going away.

"What do you mean?" Bishop questioned her. He knew what 'this' referred to – they'd only been talking about one thing the entire time. Still, this needed some elaboration.

"That… that I'm not excited. People get excited about this kind of thing," she averted her eyes from him for a bit, as if in shame. "I was just scared. And panicked. I try to imagine the good things, but…"

"But the shitty ones take precedence," Bishop smirked. "I know what you mean. I thought I'd… that I'd be at least a little… I don't know. It's weird. How can you imagine good stuff when you can't help but see assassins swooping in and taking it all away? Or a dragon just snuffing you out in a second."

Aeyrin nodded instantly. They weren't in a position not to worry, of course. But surely there were people in tough situations who were excited. Those who could imagine the good. But not her. And not him. And she wasn't sure if that made it better or worse.

"See, this makes me happy. And that makes me feel even more like an awful person," she groaned in annoyance at her own mind. "I'm actually happy that you aren't excited either. How messed up is that? Why would I want you to be miserable about this too?"

"I don't know, I think that's pretty fucking normal, for one. How fucking crappy would it feel to be all anxious and upset about this while the other one is ecstatic? That's even worse. At least this way we can panic together," he chuckled a little weakly.

Aeyrin gave him a soft smile. It probably was a natural reaction. It still made her feel bad, but he was right about being in it together making things easier.

"So… how do we actually start focusing on the good stuff? Together," her brows creased a little. "I mean… people must be worried all the time with what's happening, but they're still excited to have kids, right? So why can't we be? How do you 'imagine the good'? I can't even…" she couldn't even bring herself to think of good things. She thought about taking care of a baby and it just terrified her more. What if she didn't know how to do it properly? What if she hurt it or endangered it? "How do normal people do it?"

"Maybe if we had some fucking frame of reference of what 'good' is with kids, it might be different," Bishop scoffed. "I only ever saw screaming brats who were neglected by everyone because we found them 'annoying'."

"Not always, right?" Aeyrin's eyes looked at him with unexpected intrigue. "You… wanted this. Because of Jules's daughter. So… why? What was good about that that isn't… there now?"

"I don't know," he sighed. "I didn't want this now, I just… fuck," he wasn't sure how to explain it. "I just have this… image I guess. I don't know. About us, when we're older. When the dragons are gone and the assassins too. And every other asshole stops bugging us. I always thought we'd… slow down eventually. Like we do sometimes when we just get out in the wilderness for a week or two and ignore everyone. Just more… regularly, I guess. Maybe travel, maybe go on some adventures, just… not all this 'constant doom' shit."

"You know that I'd love that too," she smiled at him a bit. "I don't want to be in constant danger. I like adventuring and helping people, but… this is… too much."

Bishop moved his hand to stroke over her cheek a bit with a soft smile before he spoke again. "Right. So… I guess that was it. That was the image I liked. The good thing. And when I was with Elisie and she had Zoelyine… I guess that kind of fit. We were out of that shitstorm with Thorn, at least we really fucking hoped as much, and things were… calm. Zoeya was like a little ball of chaos in all that," he smiled fondly. "But… I don't know… in a good way. Like a different adventure. There was no constant fear or resentment. Until it all went to shit anyway."

"That doesn't sound too bad," Aeyrin smiled a little. "I just have no idea how you get to just enjoy that. I just worry that I'll do something wrong and…"

"Well… maybe me and Elisie were just… in a different frame of mind?" He sighed. "We had nothing before. Our lives were shit and constantly threatened. Everything was crappy. And then Jules died and… fuck, I don't think it would have been possible not to think of the kid as something good. I mean, how could it be fucking worse than what we'd been through, right?"

Aeyrin nodded thoughtfully. Though she couldn't help but think they weren't in a much different situation. They constantly went through hardships – especially lately. Though it wasn't the same as being held captive by Thorn, surely, it still felt like this should be a welcome reprieve too. Maybe it was just the fact that she knew it wouldn't be a reprieve. Not from the dangers. It would just make it more scary because now there would be a little defenseless kid in the midst of it.

"I didn't know she was pregnant for a long time," Bishop continued when he saw Aeyrin's troubled expression. "You know, Jules was… he was an energetic kind of guy, but he was fucking terrified of Thorn. With good reason. I can't imagine him taking the news too happily in the first place. And neither did Elisie, I'm pretty sure. They were still there at Lost Knife and they had no idea what would happen to their kid in the clan. Jules contacted fucking paladins! He was clearly desperate."

"What are you saying? That they panicked just as much as we do now?" Aeyrin chuckled a bit.

"Wouldn't it be weirder if they didn't?" Bishop smirked. "It's a reasonable reaction, right? You have something depending on you all of the sudden and you know there's shit out there you can't possibly protect it from. Who would be happy about that?"

That was a good point. It made her feel a little better.

"But Elisie was happy after, right? And you too…" she looked at him hopefully.

"Aside from the 'dead Jules' part, yeah. Sure. It's… it's fresh, princess. I think that with time, we'll be able to be excited. And hey, nine months. A lot of shit can happen in nine months."

"Yeah. That makes it worse! Look what happened to us in two weeks now! Markarth, Rorikstead, the Vigilants, Serana…" her eyes widened instantly.

"I meant more like… maybe someone will wipe out the Brotherhood in that time. And maybe someone will appear as another Dragonborn and everyone can leave you alone," he chuckled a bit. "Maybe you'll be cured of the wolfy too."

She smiled a bit, but just then, it was hard to hope for these things. The way shit had been going lately, it was just one thing piling onto another.

But maybe they were due for some reprieve. Weren't they?

"Alright, so… the big question. What do we do now, exactly?" She sighed. It felt like there were things to do now when they knew. Weren't there? She had no idea what, but it felt like they should pay attention to what was coming.

"I… have no idea," Bishop gave her a defeated sigh. "Do we do anything? I mean… you're one month in. That's really fucking early. I'm even surprised how fast you began to suspect this."

"Healer, remember?" She smiled a bit. She was more disappointed how long it took her, even though she had symptoms for a few days already. If she was her own patient, it would have been one of the first options to consider.

"Right," he chuckled. "My point is… nothing? I don't know… what do you think we should do? I mean… you need to take it easy. I know you don't want to, but if you feel tired, you fucking rest, alright? And… I don't think we should exactly plunge into Dwemer dungeons or something. But… I think we can just… go on to Windhelm and deal with other shit."

That was the plan. She still felt like they should be doing something else, but she had no answer to that conundrum.

Maybe it was for the best though. To just go on with their lives and focus on this when it was needed. At least they weren't stuck now and could actually talk about this.

Bishop was right. It was very early.

And she was just happy she had the security of their relationship again.

…

Something was happening.

Aeyrin suddenly jolted awake – faster than she ever had. It was disturbing. Her waking up was usually a slow process, but now she shot up into a half-sit like lightning. She felt strange.

What was happening? Was this a pregnancy symptom? Her heart was pounding and sweat was pooling on her skin. She never heard of that kind of symptom – at least not this intense. Her breathing was so heavy all of the sudden and she was burning.

It felt a little like those absorptions sometimes. Like her blood was boiling. Like there was a strange fierce battle inside her.

Was that what it was? Was she woken up by a dragon dying nearby and she absorbed the soul? She didn't see the lights, but maybe that happened before she could regain her senses?

But this felt different. Oddly different. Her skin itched. All of it itched. Why?

Her fidgeting eventually woke up Bishop – much later than she would have expected him to awaken. Maybe he was exhausted from all that talking. They only actually fell asleep a short while ago and it was almost morning now.

Such a long night.

But it really helped. Aeyrin expected to wake up somewhat calmer, actually.

Except for this! What was happening to her?!

"Sweetness? What the fuck? What's going on?" Bishop grabbed her shoulders as if to steady her when his gaze finally focused on her. Her distress must have been visible. The sweat was probably visible too, of course. And she felt like she was shaking.

"Fuck. Talk to me. What's happening?" The panic was obvious in his voice when all she could do was let out a soft whimper. Her stomach was clenching uncomfortably and the heat in her was worse and worse. Almost unbearable tension wreaked every single muscle of hers.

And then… it suddenly all eased. It didn't stop. The feelings lingered unpleasantly, but… the tension was gone, replaced by odd soreness. And the heat felt milder as well. It was as if something snapped suddenly.

Then, her mind got flooded by images. Strange ones. Happy ones. Frightening ones. Disturbing ones. Disgusting ones. She saw forests, so many forests. The Eastmarch tundra, a snowy crumbled tower, a lush blooming foliage above her head as well as a dark dismal fort filled with blood and torn-off body-parts. She saw flames.

Memories.

Bishop watched her with creased brows as her eyes widened at the overwhelming internal onslaught. Fuck, why didn't she talk? What was happening to her? First she looked so flushed and panicked and now she just looked… shocked. What was it?

Talk, princess, dammit!

She could clearly talk though. She let him know soon enough. Her eyes narrowed after the shock, though she still looked confused. The accusing and indignant look she gave him was unmistakable though. And her words were accompanied by a firm punch into his bicep.

"You asshole! Why would you do this to me?!"