They change back to regular attire in silence at the beach's bathroom stalls, and the walk back to the sky-car threatens to sunder Liara apart. She's lost. She knows she has. There's no reversing this decision, not with how determined Jane looks about it all now. The scientist wants to be anywhere else but here when they sit in the sky-car. It's as though she's taken a seat right in the core of a volatile volcano, and there's already a weariness captivating her as she looks out the window, her emotions drained in anticipation of being on the receiving end of wrath.

"Should I drop you off back home instead?" Jane asks with an unsettling quiet, a subtle bitterness to her tone.

For once, Liara is having difficulty caring to clarify misconceptions, knowing the source of the bitterness is that she doesn't support this decision at all. That part isn't really a misconception though, but it doesn't mean that she's never supported Jane being a marine to begin with. Yes, of course it was difficult when she first left, and of course it's always difficult for every single other time she's had to leave at the end of her shore leave. Isn't that obvious? Isn't that natural? But it never made her feel as though she needed to decry the career choice and lifestyle as a whole.

There's a sharp inhale, and Liara pushes her fist against her mouth as she fixes her gaze out the window. She doesn't know how to answer. There's a foolish part of her that believes she should still fight, but she knows it's futile. The sky-car revs as it turns on. The drive is spent in impenetrable silence, struggling to keep her breathing rhythm under control as she suppresses any noise that dares try to claw out her throat, blinking away tears before they have a chance to fall.

Traffic zips by, too quick to solder onto to drown out all the thoughts racing in her mind. Her eyes burn hotter, the world blotting out, her heart sinking to her stomach as she recalls every sweet memory that's turning bitter inside of her now. Her fist opens and she covers her mouth, pinching her nose as she squeezes her eyes shut as tightly as possible, an agony wrenching her apart when a deceptively familiar hand slips over her knee to squeeze gently.

"I love you, doc, but I have to do this."

"No you don't," Liara warbles almost incomprehensibly.

"Don't love you, or don't have to do this?"

Regret chases soon after, too late, when her gaze snaps to the infuriatingly calm marine as pain lashes out. "Both."

This time, a slower inhale. Jane is forced to focus on driving, until she takes the first path able to veer off and head down the line to enter some mall parking lot. The sky-car jerks to a sudden stop, and trepidation bites into Liara as she wonders what's about to happen. Right now, though, it all feels like the truth to her, even if it's painful. It's painful to both of them. She casts her gaze out the window when Jane twists in her seat with a serious look in her eye—what a goddess-send that she's finally taking something seriously for once.

"Do you really believe that, Liara?"

"Yes," Liara whispers without hesitation. "You wouldn't be doing this if you loved me, if you respected anything I've been trying to do for you, if you cared enough to listen."

"Ah, oh, okay, and are you listening to yourself right now? What exactly am I doing that proves I don't love you—that I'm leaving? Does that mean I've never loved you at all, to begin with, for every time I had to leave before?"

Pain zings down when the corner of her lip is bitten and chewed on, a voice screaming at her to stop everything and think things through, but there's a greater feeling commanding her. The world blots again. The words burn in her chest, deep in her lungs, her every breath searing on it's way out. She's struggling to keep it all inside. She pushes away the hand on her thigh as she urges quietly. "Please take me home, Jane."

Another slow inhale. "Alright. I will. But... Can you look at me for a sec?"

"No."

A tender hand cups Liara's chin, to which she immediately wards off with her biotics as she bites under her breath. "Just take me home. You've made this as clear as it can get." There's a sear building rapidly with the frustration prickling the car cabin. There's a kick to the next breath beside her. "There is no point to talking, anymore. Your rush to resolve this right this moment is going to backfire, I assure you."

"I think wanting to resolve this at any moment is going to fucking backfire at this point," Jane huffs vindictively, her movements jerky as she turns the sky-car on again and takes off. Her fury explodes like a volcano, her words racing, a chaos consuming the cabin. "You're so set in your goddamn ways. You're so certain your way is the only way that will help me. You don't even know what's involved in getting me reinstated into active duty. You think they're just going to take one look at me and be like: oh, okay! We need her out there, stat! No. They need to make sure I'm not going to shoot my own comrades in the fucking back if I have another fucking episode, whether out of blindness of eye or mind. Newsflash, hon: your goddamn way is involved in the fucking process, except I'm talking with people who actually know what they need to do with basket cases like me and how to help me, instead of searching for some random doc. I have to do the talking thing whether I like it or not, and I should hope that fucking proves how fucking committed I am. But now apparently me fucking leaving means I don't give a shit about anything and have never fucking loved you in the first place. What a giant load of fucking shit, man... Fucking bullshit. This is all just such bullshit."

Liara shrinks in her seat, her own anger simmering from the revelation. But now with chains broken free, a passionate temper on the loose on the opposite end of the spectrum—hating to be on the receiving end, and not knowing how to calm it all down—she feels as though she shouldn't say anything, hurting from all the poison flooding out her partner's mouth. They've never argued before, not like this at least.

Have they ever, at all?

"Then what was it you were even doubting if it was the right thing to do, going against your gut?" Liara asks in the midst of the rant, and has to keep asking until Jane finally comes to a sudden stop and groans.

"That's what you think, then, isn't it? That I was doubting my decision because, what, I'm off to war in the state that I'm in now? Wow," she drawls sarcastically, with a bitter laugh and shake of the head. "Okay. Yeah. There really is no point to talking anymore, then—because just as clear as I don't love you is you don't trust me. You accuse me of not caring enough to listen, but you never even cared to ask what's involved in me getting back to serving. Just immediately jump to these conclusions about me. For your information, I was doubting if I'm doing the right thing because all this shit—like, I don't want to do it so that's where I'm going against my gut. I know I have to do it and you got that through my thick head—but also it involves leaving you while you're hurting and worried about all this shit going on with me, and that's why I was trying to say sorry. But I have to do this if I want to get better, and if I want to get back on tour, 'cause I gotta talk to Alliance-certified docs. Lots of them. Mom explained what's involved at every step in the process last night, and it's not a decision I made lightly. I'm fucking terrified of it all, because I'm jumping right into the maws and handing myself to them on a platter as to whether or not I will get to wear a uniform again, or if it's straight to the straitjacket for me."

Another wry laugh, sounding more like a wounded animal.

"But yeah, oh yeah, I can totally hear it all now. That all sounds exactly like me not loving you at all or giving a shit about you. Fuck me, man!"

There isn't an opportunity to interject. Any time Liara tries to speak up, the wrath continues, Jane unloading everything indiscriminately as all of her own pent-up agony is unleashed in a sleuth of curses. Regret is running at an all time high, and she knows that she won't be the only one. She tries not to take any of it personally, but it's impossible. It all stops when they come back home, and Jane doesn't even bother to turn the sky-car off before she's stepping out, sucking in harsh breaths of air to try to calm herself as she mutters fucks in between each of them.

Apprehensively, Liara undoes her belt and steps out the car, coming on the other side to turn it off before she turns for the marine, pacing about with conflicted purposes changing like sleight of hand. Their eyes meet for a brief second before Jane tries to escape when the scientist approaches with resolution, trapping in a hold when Liara embraces from behind. She grabs her wrists and buckles down with all her might when there's an attempt to break free, trying to contain it all at least long enough for a break in that anger.

"Breathe," she coaches as she hides her face in the crevice of where Jane's taut neck meets shoulder. "Take a deep breath for me, with me, siame. We both need it."

"I can't. You think that I don't fucking care," Jane's voice cracks, teetering on the edge as it fades in and out of existence. "I do. I really do. I love you so fucking much, and it just—how can you just...? I don't get it. I'm trying, I can't—how can you accuse me that I don't? I'd fucking lay my life down for you in a heartbeat. No hesitation." She wiggles in the hold again. "Let go of me, I need to walk around. I need to get this out my system. I won't go anywhere but just—I can't stay still, lemme move."

Reluctantly, Liara concedes. She wavers, guilt needling her as she observes her partner—frankly speaking as Jane would—lose her shit. She paces about, hands in her hair, continuously muttering fucks under her breath still. She abruptly stops and spins around to face the scientist, looking as though she's going to fall apart and crumble. It hurts to see this, hurts even more realizing her careless words and assumptions have snowballed and lead to this ultimatum.

"You said you believe it. Do you really?"

"Jane, I'm sor-"

"You do?"

"N-no, please, listen... It was wrong of me to assume, and I'm sorry that I did. Everything leading up to that point, I just... I thought..." Liara holds out her hands, for some reason instinct compelling her to make herself appear non-threatening as she approaches slowly. "I thought you were doing what you usually do, to avoid it all, to pretend to be normal. I thought... There's really no..." She gropes for words, sighing with frustration as she deflates where she stands, the world growing misty again when she realizes that the olivine eye is sheen. "Jane, I'm so sorry for hurting you like that. I wish I could take all of that back, right now. I don't think understanding my thoughts is helpful right now, but I do not know what else to do or say." She takes another step, her heart breaking when Jane instinctively keeps the space between them. "Please, siame."

What is she even saying please for? She doesn't know, but she's just as scared right now. The auburn tresses are mussed up with a furious hand, and a groan spills from Jane's throat as her head lulls back. She closes her eye and sucks in a noisy breath, one after another. It takes time before the beast is lulled, and a new emotion overtakes wrath as shame seems to flood in.

Dejectedly, Jane's head drops as she quips hoarsely. "Fuck sake... You weren't kidding about that theatrical actress bit, all those years ago, huh? That was way too much drama for me, love. I really need to cool my jets before I fire off like that again—all because of a fuckin' misunderstanding..." She raises her head, and she seems stumped. Both feel awkward, out of place, wondering what to do or say. Jane is the first to meander back, hesitant in reaching out for hands. Her own guilt and regret drenches her eye, and she sighs through her nose as she forces a pitiful smile. "I'm sorry for scaring you in the car, and for all my snarky bullshit too. I'd get it if you want space and take a breather from me after all that shit I unloaded."

"I... Understand why it happened the way it did. It was my fault for assuming what I had, and-"

"Still not an excuse for me to behave like a brat. You don't have to protect me like one. I should've stayed calm and talked it out, love. Wish I could take that all back too. Sorry I stopped thinking and went off the rails there." Jane seems tentative in her approach. Uncertain. When her hand reaches out, Liara scoops it up to hopefully show it is okay—or at the very least, it's going to be okay.

"You don't need to apologize. It was all a misunderstanding, and I've done the greater evil of us two for assuming your intentions. It all would've been avoided if I had not, saying things that hurt you. So I'm more sorry."

A wicked grin. Here we go.

"No," Jane bounces her eyebrows playfully. "I do need to apologize. I'm more sorry, and—ah! Before you say it, I have a counter response: I'm most sorry."

Conceding reluctantly, wanting to stay on the momentum of the main point, Liara bows out as she murmurs softly. "At least we have resolved it. It would've eaten away at us if we left things like that. I know it would have for me, anyways." She melts when the marine moves to settle behind her, carefully wrapping arms around as a head falls to rest on her shoulder. There's a subtle squeeze in the arms.

Tension is slowly chipped away with the passage of quiet time, until there's another squeeze. "I really do love you, Liara. Did you think I didn't because I haven't been saying it?"

Regret nicks at her. More than ever, she wishes she could take that back the most—and understands all too painfully well why Jane was crumbling for it. She closes her eyes and leans her head back, tilting it on the side to lean against Jane's.

"No, siame. I know you do. You've always spoken it well without needing to say it out loud, as you've enlightened when we first breathed the words. I am sorry for saying that you don't... It's never warranted, no matter the circumstance. More than anything, I wish I could take that back right now." Her hands slip over the calloused ones loosely draped over her waist. "I love you too. I always will, no matter what."

Another squeeze of the arms, a silent acknowledgment, a wordless grunt croaking in the stead of a dead voice beside her. Her eyes begin to burn upon hearing the subtle shaky breath, so frail to cling to existence. It hurts far more when Jane forces levity back in the air with that carefree grin of hers as her head bounces up, her movements jerky again as she releases her hold and burrows her emotions by diving back into the momentum of the day.

"Let's take a quick shower to get rid of all this sand. I'll clean the sky-car before we head out again—really wanna take you to one of the places, even if we don't get to the rest. Make sure you bring something you wanna read too."

"Long drive?"

"Nah, just for you to really enjoy it all. You're always pushing yourself, doing shit I wanna do. It's high time we do the things you like to do too."

Liara stares. She cracks a thin smirk. "Jane, you will absolutely be miserable."

That spirited grin sets her heart at ease as the marine takes off jogging backwards with their bags of things. "Never, love. Not when I'm with you."

In a higher sector where it's perched and built upon a mountain, they overlook the city below as they relax on a bench. A simple yet majestic view. A good advantageous position to see if there will be any suspicious ships in the skies—but the only one paying attention to any of it is the marine.

"B-but the sunset..." Jane mumbles, flabbergasted by how her lover remains absorbed by the contents of a bloody book.

Liara's missing this entire beautiful scenery!

There's a moment blue orbs pan to her, a brow slightly arched in amusement. The smartass goes back to reading as if completely unperturbed by what she's not witnessing. Jane tries to contain herself, she really really is trying so very fucking hard, but she can't help but shuffle about in her seat on the bench. Her feet kick forward, swing back, ankles hooking and unhooking.

Restlessness brews and she posts her hands on the edge of the bench as she pushes to lift herself up, doing the tiniest incremental dips to do something with her energy as she soaks in the sights to engrave all of this to memory. The busy city of Armali never sleeps, the tall buildings stretching as far up to the skies as they can.

Architectural marvels to help solve overpopulation, with all manners of species flocking here due to the asari's acceptance, diplomacy, and grace—going so far to accommodate as many needs at the expense of their own.

Sounds like a certain someone.

Silence strains to remain with Jane's movements. She buckles down and renews her efforts, reminding herself of her promise that all of this is for Liara, solely about her this time. She enjoys it, of course—she has to. Right? She appreciates these things in their ambience, immersing herself and becoming part of that world, but not the center of it, flowing with it all instead. It's amazing, really, how she's able to do that, how she lacks a shred of hubris.

Well, until she wins a bloody game of sky-volley-ball. Arse.

Jane settles down and parks her elbows on her knees as she leans forward, gluing her focus on the sun setting as she lets her thoughts to drift with it, attempting to imbue and coach patience without aid.

Tomorrow, this will all be gone. Liara won't be there to save her, catch her, cradle her. As much as the tough marine protests, she's never felt more safe than the arms and care and love of this devoted asari. All throughout this turbulent ride, this chaotic life confusing her and casting her out at sea, her anchor's remained in the storm—or rather, a lighthouse for the marine to figure out her own way back home, free of chains and as little influence as possible. A gentle guiding hand stretched, not towards her, but to the path her heart has always been set on, even if her mind strayed off it at times.

"For all my life, before you," Jane murmurs, "I've seen things monochrome." She witnesses in awe of the gorgeous collision of colors in the sky, as the moon serenely assimilates the light, offering the sun a reprieve from it's duty. She wishes she'd have gotten out of her head earlier to have more time to appreciate these things.

At least there's still a chance to make the most of it right now, and that's only thanks to Liara—being like the moon.

Pages continue to be leafed idly by, but there's a subtle tilt of the head as a gaze doesn't flicker among the words as much. Liara quietly scoots over a little for them to touch shoulders. Jane tries not to let her fear take hold of her, no longer trusting herself not to have some other bizarre episode. She closes her eyes as she tries to focus on the warmth and loving pressure, leaning her head over to rest it on the corner of Liara's shoulder.

"I'll never be lost again to the ghosts living in my head," Jane continues. "You've been my salvation, love. I can only hope that once I pull myself out of this mess, I can finally be the marine and partner I want to be. I hope that one day, I can be as rock-steady and patient as you."

There's a tiny bubble of laughter. Liara's body presses in, a pressure softly weaving into thick hair until lips press to the top of Jane's head. "You never will be. It is not in your nature to."

A huff, competitive spirit alight. "I can be patient."

"Mm."

"I can be very patient!"

"Mm hm."

"Listen here you smar-" Jane grins as her head whips up, caught off guard by lips locking softly with hers. That jolt of fear sparks through her and she leans back, no longer who she was, embracing all the risks life came with. It's their last few hours together. She can't risk another random episode—but temptation always wins when those loving blues never stray from her, rock-steady and patient as always as Liara rests their foreheads carefully.

"You are fire, siame, so you will never be steady like a rock. Like flames, you will always move restlessly, so you will never be patient—but these are not bad things. I love you for who you have always been, and you need not change a single thing. Where I hesitate to leap, at the mercy of air, you are already long over to lead the way and show there is nothing to fear. Where I hesitate to act, stuck in my passive mentality, you show that being impassive and inaction is not always the answer, carrying a torch to do what's right no matter how terrifying. I am drawn to you. Our natures co-exist just like the sun and the moon, like this sunset."

"You've been watching? I thought you were reading."

Liara chuckles warmly. She presses her lips just above the eye-patch. "I would never ignore the sun's grace for a second. It is impossible—for it is quite bright."

Not long after, Liara settles so that it's her head resting against Jane's shoulder, her book back open in her lap as she continues to read. The marine is left confused, no longer trusting her memory as she wracks her brain to remember when Liara rose her head from her book to watch the sunset.

She shrugs it off, electing to commit all these sensations to memory and enjoy these final moments.

It will serve as her anchor to all the insanity she's obliviously leaping in, at the mercy of fate.

"Forget history. Forget others that have come before us, in this family, and whatever they have achieved. What matters most is finding that meaning for yourself—what does it mean to you to serve the people?"

Ironically, without asking out loud, Doctor T'Soni helped define that meaning. Maybe dad was on to something. Maybe all these experts on the news have been on to something, too. Trying to keep an open mind—over something that's cut it open—is painful and hard, god above is it ever really fucking hard, but Jane tries to ignoring the prickling of her anger. It helps when she asks herself how Liara would view it all, hear it all, and approach it under the light of her lens. What would indeed have been more strategic and better for her to have done to save more people? She tries not to take it personally, to shift her focus back to her dedication to learning it all. Maybe one day, she'll live long enough to be a veteran imparting her own wisdom, to mitigate as many casualties as possible.

While driving to the port under the blanket of nightfall, Jane holds hands with Liara, who's gaze is always facing forward. The marine steals many looks, before needing to look away and blink rapidly whenever she notices the blue orbs flickering sheen, struggling to keep it together.

There's no doubt—and not one Jane will resist in the name of being a tough marine—that they're going to be deduced to ugly tears like her and dad were.

As the navigation softly announces which turns to take, the screen displaying how much time is left upon arrival to the port, Liara's fingers tighten over time. Her breathing rhythm is disturbed, no longer the soothing calm. Jane sighs as she subtly squeezes the hand in hers, before relaxing.

"It will take time before I'm reinstated into active duty, so I'm not on rotations for shore leave."

There's a shaky breath in. Liara squeezes back. "Tempting, but it's best you focus on your recovery. I will be okay. It will do me some good to return to my expeditions as well."

Jane nods. She bites her tongue when her mind taunts her whether or not she would even be allowed to leave Arcturus Station. The doctors might declare her a safety risk, and disallow port security to let her out. If she has another episode—and no certain asari around to meld with her and break the illusion—she couldn't say she wouldn't understand why she'd be put on house arrest. She gets it, yeah. Doesn't make it any less scary.

Melding. A shift to the positive, a spark of curiosity. She made a deal that she'd consider it at the end of the day. Is it still possible to? How does it work? Can they do it anywhere, like at the port and waiting to board her flight? Is that wise? It seems, with the states they're both in right now, that the meld will be surrounded by dread of parting ways, rather than all the positivity Liara seemed hopeful to share earlier.

It's just as scary to ask.

Jane doesn't want her insecurities and fears to be heard or felt—at least, not the depth of them. She wants to instill courage. She wants everything to work out in the end as she promised. She doesn't want to worry Liara even more, to be kept up at night wondering and wishing to be there to support the marine, rather than going back to her own life. That she's been holding out on her expeditions and passion because of all this mess with Jane...

A light bulb turns on.

"Hey, I've got an idea," Jane murmurs, clearing her throat quickly to rid the rasp. "After I get reinstated and finish my tour, I can retire. Come with you on your expeditions."

Liara's head turns, her brow pinched in confusion. She seems to be studying, from the feel of her eyes, and the marine wars to stay focused on driving. She glances over and shares the look of bewilderment.

"What? Is that a really bad idea or something?"

"No, it... Just... Why be reinstated in the first place, then? Are the doctors not there for you to help otherwise?"

That's a good question. It renews a conflict brewing in Jane's heart, a pitched war of perspectives pulling her around. She idly nibbles on the corner of her lip, thinking, shrugging. "They are. But... But I have to do this."

"Do you, if you are doubting of continuing to be a marine?" Liara quickly squeezes her hand again. "Please do not misunderstand, I do support you and your choices, Jane. I am just asking to invoke reflection and conversation. Do you not want to be one, anymore?"

"So don't count on the military to give you meaning. You have to find that yourself, kiddo, just like anyone, anywhere, in their life."

"What does it mean to serve?" Jane blurts, seeing more confusion brew in the corner of her eye. She shakes her head a little. "Dad and I talked about it all in Elysium before... Before the ships..." She tenses just at the thought, the race of memories recollecting it all before hell was convoked that day. She sighs. "I guess I'm lost right now. Before, my meaning was just to be the best I could be. To be a hero. After Elysium..." She bites her lip hard. "I don't want to be a hero anymore."

Silence, until Liara hums. She melts a little in her seat and faces front. She slips out of their hand-holding, her fingertip slothfully tracing a vein on the back of Jane's back and forth, as if instinctively lulling some kind of beast disturbed from sleep.

"Well... Instead of asking yourself what does it mean to serve, then... Ask yourself: what does it mean to be a marine?"

"Isn't that the same thing?"

"Not necessarily. To serve is an action, a duty. To be a marine is your image and perception of such a position. For example, an archaeologist's duty involves excavating, dating, and interpreting objects found at historical sites. Then start the process of working with museums and curators to handle the object, if they want it, if government bodies have cleared it as nothing concerning or negatively impactful to public knowledge. But that's not all that it means to me to be an archaeologist. To me, it means searching for and unearthing the truth. Some archaeologists may find truths only to bury them, succumbing to politics if it is a truth too painful for the public to know about—I view it as the chance to begin anew if the truth shatters beliefs that have been formed and misled from misinformation. Just like the Protheans. They're enigmatic, and nobody knows anything about them. It is all speculation. We assume they are benevolent because we are using all this wonderful technology left behind. But why did the species disappear? It beckons far more speculation, both positive and negative."

Hearing this, the passion that's been contained for so long just to help Jane... It also makes her wonder what meaning Liara adheres to when it comes to being a partner. Is it asari philosophy? Admittedly, Jane hasn't really taken the time to learn their culture—hell, she hasn't cared for human history or culture either—and now it makes her curious whether it's a lifestyle or individual. She makes a mental note to learn more during her spare time on the Arcturus Station too.

Speculations dance in the air as Liara is taken over by her own passions and dreams, despite all these years of grinding stagnancy of getting nowhere to attain those dreams. There's an admirable selflessness and determination in it all, even with doubts expressed.

It's turning into a lesson on it's own that perhaps doubts aren't necessarily such a bad thing. It helps lead to understanding.

There's a sudden choke, a gasp suppressed by the gurgling in the throat upon realizing that they're turning into the port lot. Jane is only just now realizing that they've taken the rental all the way here, without giving information as to where the hell Liara is supposed to do or go with it later. She parks and shuts the sky-car off, turning in her seat to start spouting everything flooding into mind.

To her surprise, a hand grabs and twists her shirt to pull her, ardent lips smothering hers and leaving no room for fear to intrude. Fingers slip along the curve of her jawline and burrow in the back of her hair, her bun threatened to undo as it loosens from it's elastic.

"I will miss you so much, my siame," Liara breathes in between reverent kisses. "I will pray for you every night that you find all the answers to what you are seeking. But please, promise me Jane... Do not let this change who you fundamentally are. If being a marine threatens to do so, there will always be a place for you in my expeditions." She leans back with a subdued playfulness dancing in sorrow-drenched eyes. "You will have clearance to all dig sites, and will not have to guard me from stalactites."

"Heh! What'll I protect you from then, though, huh?"

There's a devilish smile, then.

"The asari commando."