Hermione, after much convincing, had not killed Harry. Instead, she had peppered him with questions, most of which he wasn't able to answer.

"Listen, 'Mione, I just don't know. Ignis didn't ask or explain really anything beyond what I've told you. I was so tired that I just went straight back to the dorm and passed out for what I thought was a few hours but was apparently an entire day."

Hermione just shook her head at him. "I've no idea how you can have all that happen, and then have your biggest concern be your potions essay."

"Well, Professor Snape can be rather frightening." Luna piped in helpfully.

"Thank you, Luna."

"Of course Harry."

"And an unknown ritual isn't?" Hermione asked incredulously.

"That depends entirely on who's doing the unknown ritual." Luna was batting a thousand.

Harry smiled. "How about this—after dinner, we can all three go back to the enclosure. I'll ask Ignis to explain, and then translate while you two ask questions that I would never think of but will turn out to be ridiculously important."

Luna clapped her hands together in excitement. "Oh that sounds lovely, Harry! I've never spoken with a dragon before."

"Most rational people haven't." Hermione said drily.

"Hey!"

It was at that moment Harry's stomach began growling. "Someone's hungry." Hermione teased.

"Give me a break. All I've had to eat today is chocolate frogs."

"Shall we go to dinner now, then? There's supposed to be treacle tart at the Ravenclaw table tonight."

"Luna, you had me at 'treacle tart.'"

"I had a feeling you might say that."

There was, in fact, treacle tart. Harry was ecstatic, and Michael Corner nearly lost a finger when he tried to take the last piece.

That incident was all but forgotten, however, when Malfoy's nasally voice called out from directly behind him. "I can't tell if you've been confunded, or if you're just dumb enough to forget which table is yours, Potter."

Harry rolled his eyes and turned around to face the ferret. "I'll sit where I bloody well please, Malfoy. It's not like there's a rule against it." He furrowed his brow and turned to Hermione. "There's not, is there?"

"There's not." She tried (and failed) to hide her amusement.

"Right, that settles that then." He turned back toward the table, intent on ignoring Malfoy. Of course, Malfoy had other plans. He took a few steps forward so that he was right behind Harry, and now the other Ravenclaws were watching.

"So a bloodtraitor and a mudblood weren't enough, eh Potter? Had to round it off with the local outcast as well?"

Harry saw red. He stood up and turned around so quickly his book bag fell on the floor, but he didn't notice nor care. In a split second, he was in Malfoy's face. "Say that one more time, Malfoy."

Malfoy's eyes widened, but he quickly schooled his face into a sneer. "Oh, hard of hearing, are we?"

"I swear to God, Malfoy-"

"What, are you going to hit me, like some savage muggle?"

Harry smirked. "I dunno, I think I'll leave that one to Hermione. I hear that she has a pretty mean right hook, especially when she uses it on pointy-nosed bigots."

Malfoy's face twisted with fury. "Go ahead, call your whore to-" He never got to finish that sentence. Harry grabbed him by the neck of his robes, but before he could hit him, two voices from the Slytherin table called out "Expelliarmus!" and "Serpensortia!"

Harry was forced to let go of Malfoy as he was thrown back by the first spell. He looked up to see who had hit him, and was torn between being impressed by Goyle's disarming charm, and incredibly amazed by Crabbe attempting to attack him with a conjured snake. Had he not seen Harry literally tame a dragon in the First Task? Idiot.

The snake that emerged from Crabbe's wand was gorgeous. It wasn't huge, but not exactly small either. It was about 4 feet long, and probably 3 inches in diameter. The scales on its back were a shiny black, and its underside was a dull off-white. The most remarkable thing about it, though was its stunningly green eyes. The color was eerily similar to Harry's own.

"Why was I thrown here?" It, or rather he, hissed angrily.

Ironically enough, it seemed to be Malfoy that was most scared by the snake. At the sound of his hissing, the blond scrambled back toward the safety of the Slytherin table.

"Hello." It wasn't the best conversation starter, but it was better than he had done with the dragon.

The snake paused and regarded him for a moment. "Am I hearing things, or did you just speak?"

Harry blinked. He had never gotten that reaction before. "Erm, yes?"

The snake stared at him. "What? No, that's absurd. Humans can't speak."

This time it was Harry's turn to stare. "What? No, snakes can't."

"Well, I'm speaking right now, aren't I?"

"Well, so am I!"

"Okay… you must be the exception then. Were you hatched by a snake?"

"What? No. Humans speak all the time!" Harry could not believe that this was a conversation he was actually having.

"Listen, man. I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just saying that I've spoken to a lot of snakes, but only one human. The evidence speaks for itself."

"Yeah, well, I've spoken to a lot of humans."

"…You make a good point. Alright." The snake slithered closer. "The name's Monty. Nice to meet you."

Harry quirked his lip."Monty the Python?"

"What the hell is a python?"

"Right, you don't know human species names. Okay. Anyway, I'm Harry, and likewise."

"Uh, Harry?" Hermione interjected. "I hate to interrupt, but the Headmaster is coming."

"…Of course he is."

Dumbledore had reached them at this point, eyes twinkling at full force. "Hello, hello everyone! I do hope I'm not interrupting, but I couldn't help but notice a bit of a commotion from the staff table."

Was he being serious? "Headmaster, sir, Malfoy started it!" Hermione said quickly. "He came over and started insulting us, and then when Harry told him to knock it off Crabbe and Goyle hexed him."

Malfoy had found his voice again at this point. "Greg and Vince only did what they felt they needed to do to protect me, sir. Potter was threatening me!"

"That is not what happened-" Hermione started hotly.

"Miss Granger, Mr. Malfoy, thank you both. From what I have gleaned, it seems that there may have been some misunderstanding on both sides. Let us take a moment to calm down, and put this incident behind us. Harry, my boy, if you could take care of our reptilian friend?"

Harry nodded. "Of course, Professor." He held out his hand to Monty. "I know you didn't understand what just happened, but you could come here please? Most people are afraid of snakes."

"As they should be." Monty said smugly as he slithered over to Harry and up his arm. "Wow, nice view. Are you this tall all the time?"

"Most days, yeah."

"Nice, brother."

Dumbledore cleared his throat and Harry turned his attention back to the wizened old man. "I was rather thinking something along the lines of vanishing him, my dear boy."

"With all due respect, sir, Monty hasn't done anything wrong. I don't think he deserves to be vanished, especially not right after being torn from his home."

Dumbledore nodded and smiled, though Harry had a strange feeling that he wasn't as pleased as he was trying to appear. "Of course, of course. Protecting the innocent is the most noble of pursuits. I'm sure your new friend will be delighted to make his residence in the Forbidden Forest."

"Of course, sir." Harry wasn't certain if he would actually take Monty to the Forbidden Forest, but he figured the Headmaster didn't need to know that. At least, not now.

"Excellent! Enjoy your pudding, everyone." And with a wave, he was off.

Harry moved toward the bench to sit down again, and that was when he noticed his book bag on the ground. His book bag, which had fallen open and was now exposing his newly-acquired-and-probably-illegal dragon egg. He hurried to pick it up and, after a quick glance to make sure the egg wasn't harmed, swung the flap over to close it. He glanced around nervously, but was relieved that apparently no one had seen it.

What he didn't see was how Malfoy's eyes had widened when he had knocked the bag to the floor in the first place.

After dropping Monty off in the dorm with a promise of bringing him some rats to snack on later, the trio went to visit a certain Horntail.

Harry really, really wanted to make it to Ignis's enclosure without encountering any of the keepers. He quite liked them, but wasn't certain how they would react to him essentially stealing an egg from their preserve. Unfortunately, luck was not on his side and he, Hermione, and Luna were spotted almost immediately by Fnord.

"Harry, hello! Oh, and Luna! And… Curly?" Hermione glared. Fnord laughed. "Sorry love, I know the other two but I don't think we've met."

She held out her hand. "Hermione Granger, it's nice to meet you."

"Fnord Haugen, the pleasure's all mine." He shook her hand gamely.

"You and Luna know each other?" Harry asked.

"'Course. She's come to visit the dragons a few times, was talking about doing a spread on them in The Quibbler."

Luna smiled. "Daddy and I are always looking for creatures to do features on. Plus, it's rather timely, what with the tournament and all."

"And speaking of the dragons." Fnord turned to look at Harry. "Care to explain why our Horntail appears to be missing an egg?"

Harry's eyes widened. "I-er, what?" He tried to think of a good cover story, but his mind was blank. "Er- oh! Didn't the other dragons all give the Fireball an egg? To help her cope?"

Fnord snorted. "Yes, they did, but you're forgetting one crucial detail, Harry. I know how to count." Oh. Crap. "Now spill."

Harry reached to open his book bag. "To be honest, I don't really know much myself. We were on our way to ask Ignis some questions." He pulled out the egg.

Fnord gaped. "Is that? No, there's no way." He stepped closer and stared. "Fire, sun, warmth, friendship." He muttered, apparently translating on the spot. Harry was impressed at his knowledge of runes. "Friendship?" Fnord muttered again, before exclaiming. "Friendship! Morgana's saggy tits, Harry, are you- did Ignis- is this?"

"If you're asking if she initiated a rare and ancient ritual to make Harry a Draconus Amicus, the answer is yes." Luna said serenely.

Fnord threw his head back and literally howled with laughter. "Good god, man, this is the best thing that's happened since that Ironbelly had a crush on Charlie."

Harry paused. "Since what now?"

Fnord waved a hand at him. "I'll tell you the whole story later so you can embarrass him. But first, is this for real?"

Harry shrugged in exasperation. "I would think so. You apparently know a lot more about this than I do, so it would be pretty hard for me to make it up."

"Yeah, okay. Just, this is kind of hard to believe, you know? The last dragon friend in Europe died around," He paused for a moment. "around 80 years ago, I think? I know that there are a couple still kicking in East Asia and the States, and at least one in Africa, but this is insanely rare, Harry. Like, one-in-a-billion, rare."

"So… you're not mad that I basically stole an egg?"

"Mate, even if I were, there's not much I could do about it. This is basically the one instance that it's legal to keep an egg outside of a reserve. I think there's a bunch of paperwork or something that you need to file, but even if you didn't, that egg is not leaving your side. There's no magical government in the world that can change that."

Harry let out a breath he hadn't even known he'd been holding. "That's a relief. I wasn't certain how long I'd be able to hide it, anyway."

"Well, considering what happened in the Great Hall earlier, you're probably right." Hermione snarked.

"Hey! That was a one-off, Malfoy was being a git."

"Malfoy is always a git."

"…True."

"It's too bad his name is Draco." Luna mused. Harry and Hermione both turned to stare at her. "It means dragon—it could have been such a nice name for your friend, Harry."

"Yeah, I'm not naming a dragon after the bouncing ferret."

"Okay." Fnord cut in. "Pretty much all of that went right over my head, so I'm going to take that as my cue to leave." He paused. "Oh, and Harry? You should send that letter about visiting the reserve to Director Roland. She'll want to speak with you, and you'll definitely want to speak with her."

Meanwhile, a letter was sent from a certain Slytherin to his parents.

Dear Father,

I got the class high on our most recent Potions Exam, and am doing well in all of my other classes, especially with the extra study time I have this year. The rest of the quidditch team and I have been having casual practices and broom races about once a week, but I still miss it tremendously. I still don't understand why they had to cancel the whole season for three measly tasks. Oh, and Pansy is still fawning over me incessantly—must we continue marriage contract negotiations with the Parkinsons? I can't imagine living with her for the rest of my life, and besides, she lacks the decorum necessary to represent the Malfoys.

On a more serious note: at dinner this evening, I noticed something strange in Potter's bag. He had a dragon egg, and it most definitely was not the golden one from the task. It was real. I think he took it from the Horntail's nest and is doing some sort of ritual with it, because it was covered in runes. The only ones I was able to make out from the distance were sowilo and kenaz, which likely indicates something about strength and fire, but I can't be certain. Whatever it is, it must be of dubious legality at best, so I trust you will do with that information what you will (hint, hint).

Theo and Daphne both say hello. Send Mother my love.

Your son,

-Draco

A/N: You know, in almost all of the fics I've read, snakes immediately go "a speaker! You're amazing!" and I'm not saying that I don't love those fics, but I do wonder... why would all the snakes know? Human parseltongue speakers don't know, so why would all the snakes, especially when they're so rare? The result of that idle thought: this beautiful characterization of Monty.

I've got one more chapter prewritten, and then I'm back to writing as I go, but I'm almost done with the semester, so I should have a lot more free time to write and stay on schedule.

Please let me know what y'all think, and if you have any requests for Monty scenes! See you next week!