Only in the expectation of the end, you attach the right value to life. Death is the mother of all beauty.
- COMMENTARIES ON ANCIENT POETRY, BY REVEREND MOTHER SUPERIOR TARAZA
Tairasu woke up from a nightmare in black but found she could not move. She screamed like she had dreamt a moment ago, but the scream was stifled by the muffler in her mouth. As she tried to bring her hands to her mouth she felt strings around her wrists. Breathing heavily, she slowly took stock of what her senses were telling her.
Am I standing against a wall? No, I am lying down.
Her heels hit something that was not the floor. Her flesh chose that moment to remind her of the pain inflicted by kicks, smashes, and punches from the night's ordeal. Cuts and tumescences covered her chest, back and legs. Only body parts you could cover with clothing, she realized. She ordered her muscles to move despite the ache. Her limbs felt surfaces all around, all smooth. She smelled tree sap. Despite the dark, the faint echo of her muffled scream meant the ceiling no more than a few inches from her nose.
I am in a wooden box, she thought as she intuited the shape of it.
A coffin.
I am tied down inside a wooden coffin.
For several minutes she could not move, busy as she was quelling the pain and slowing her breath down for fear the box was sealed shut a finite amount of air. Calm down. If only she had been initiated to the true Bene Gesserit secrets. The rumor was that the Sisters could slow down to a breath per minute. But that was a secret reserved to the Reverend Mothers, whose initiation was shrouded in mystery.
Finally, against every pulsion of her body, she managed to lay still, her heartbeat slowed, her muscles relaxed.
My mind controls my body. I must not fear.
Light came through the cracks... the illusion of light, more akin to a lighter darkness. Tairasu let her eyes get accustomed to it. She labored with her hands, testing the straps that tied her down, and found that if she pulled really hard sideways, they started to tear apart from the wooden board they were hastily nailed to. She focused all her energy on one jolting movement. One and two and... there! Free!
Except, not only her wrists but her forearms were strapped down also. She had only gained a couple of inches to maneuver. She flailed, trying to break free, but the forearm straps were harder to fight.
Legs?... no, not enough room to maneuver either, with her knees blocked by the wooden coffin cover.
I am stuck!
She stopped to check the air she was inhaling. It was good air, normal oxygen levels easing the pain of her exertion. So the box was not sealed shut. A distinctive Matres reaction overcame her. Rage surged through her body, like the desperate and burning instinct of a cornered animal. Her knees flailed violently but even trying to move at supernatural speed she could not extend her legs to hit the top of the box. But she managed to move it so slightly. Tairasu stopped once again, listening, catching her breath. A different white noise came through what seemed to be an empty space above to the left. A breath of cold air touched her nostrils.
Could it really be? The cover is not nailed shut.
The cover must have slightly moved. Heavy it was, though. She twisted her body to the sides, figuring out that the box would rattle and move. She continued to flail like a snake for many minutes until she noticed an imperceptible change. As she lashed out a desperate kick with the last of her energy, the box rattled once again, and the cover moved, unbalanced itself and slid to the side, falling down with a thump.
The starry sky welcomed her, beautiful, the distant stars crossed by red and white nebulas scattered in giant filaments that crossed the entire skydome, a feature unique to Chapterhouse, which owed its magnificent night sky to the proximity to the galactic core. The stars welcomed her. The smell of fresh night air wafted to her nostrils. The smell of roses touched her frayed nerves like a soothing balm. The botanical gardens were not far. This was Central. In the open. The thought was calming. She rested for a minute.
Now, the ropes.
Her legs were still tied down but she could flex them now, unconstrained by the box cover. Using all her torquing strength she managed to move the box an inch at a time until it tipped from the place it was resting on and came crashing down to the ground, leaving her on the side. The coffin must have been on a table. From the new position on her side, she found it easy to wiggle her hands out of the straps, which had come loose just enough. She rolled onto the grass, felt the prickling of a thousand blades of grass. She bit hard on the muffler to neutralize the lingering pain in her muscles.
Finally, Tairasu stood up. Her naked body, caressed by the breeze, could feel every single particle of air. Air, air, fresh fragrant air filled her lungs. Only now she picked up on the crickets chirping. She looked around, massaging her wrists.
A dozen or so robed figures stood in a circle around the table where the coffin had rested, patiently waiting. Tairasu removed the muffler and the strap that secured it to her face. Her instinct warned her that these were the people that had beaten and clubbed her almost to her death.
Run!
She tried but stumbled, and fell on the grass.
One of the robed figures broke away from the circle to come closer.
Fight!
But she had no strength left. Pain overcame her senses.
The robed figure was holding a cane.
Tairasu called upon all her energies, sprung against the approaching enemy. She blurred her way up...
The cane swung to her side, catching her body as it rose.
Down she fell, an animal-like rasp coming out of her throat.
The robed figure raised the cane high above her head. Tairasu did not want to die. She raised her arms to protect her face, tears streaking her blood-stained face.
Uncontrollable sobs took over her.
She did not want to die. She thought she had more time. Dying in battle, yes. All Matres were prepared to die, that was the essence of training.
She raised a closed fist... but the effort consumed her. Her fist came down, unresisting.
Not this way, unable to fight back.
Through the tears, looking up, she saw the cane and the firm hands holding it.
It swung down at breakneck speed...
Thump.
Silence.
I am dead.
Dead.
Soft breeze on her naked skin, prickling her.
Crickets chirping in the night.
Why am I still breathing?
Her eyes opened.
The cane rested on the ground but an inch from her body.
Looking up... the robed figure, hood pulled back.
"Angelika."
"By the blood and spirit of old, the sacrifice is done. Your body is none, your mind is none, your spirit is gone," said the dark Angelika.
The circle of people clapped their hands.
"You have gone to the land of no-return. You died there. What was her name? Tairasu. But Tairasu is dead. Cry over her name."
"May she rest in peace," echoed the circle, and clapped once.
"This one is a naked creature coming out of the womb. You are reborn. Raise up! For you died Tairasu tonight, and are reborn as a new Sister under the starry lights."
"You are born." echoed the group.
"You are ours," proclaimed Angelika. Then: "Have you brought the token to pay for your Passage?"
"Her wounds are her token," whispered the circle.
"Do you vow your life, soul to the secret sorority?"
"I... do," whispered a voice that was Tairasu's, but Tairasu only heard herself saying it.
"She vowed," chanted the circle, "we witnessed."
"It was vowed, and witnessed. Reborn one, choose your new name."
Confusion set in. A name?
"Mami" was all the reborn girl could think of.
"Mami is as you will be known to us. It is set. With the blood and flesh of your death you are bonded in secret to your new Sisters. Guard them with your life, for they will guard you with theirs. Betrayal means a curse worse than death. You paid for your Passage. Your soul is born anew. Do you accept the Joining?"
Tairasu sensed weight in that question. She was past the point of no return. To go back was to choose death... a literal one now.
"I... accept,"
"Embrace your Sisters, Mami."
Angelika produced a white linen which she put on Tairasu before embracing her warmly. She was the first, then one by one, each robed Sister broke away from the circle, kneeled down and embraced Tairasu's small figure covered in the white linen; then stood up to rejoin the circle. Tairasu/Mami stood motionless, barely able to keep straight from her kneeling position on the grass, the linen stained with blood and sweat and soil. The last of the Sisters went back to the circle, then in unison they rejoiced shouting one single powerful Ha!
Every puzzle piece suddenly fell into its place.
Angelika helped her up, hugged her again for a long time, this time as a friend. Tairasu felt so hurt, so desperate. She had never craved so much in her life for love and protection, she opened up completely to the unassuming embrace. So many things took over her mind and her body... relief, happiness, bottomless sorrow. Her animal instincts took over, felt all the pain and the unfair suffering of her body, then found the abused dignity that lay underneath. It was a dignity - her dignity- that had been wounded but stood firm and undefeated. She cried, and cried and cried like a baby, like a heavy rock had been removed from deep down her guts.
"Welcome, Sister," whispered Angelika, "I am so glad you are part of us now. We will take care of you."
Tairasu... Mami... was in.
She felt euphoric now, a joy rooted in abandonment and sharing and acceptance.
I have a home!
She smiled.
I belong!
She felt like she could have stayed there in an endless moment, until the end of the world.
Forever.
Then without notice, the breeze carried the call of an owl. The group suddenly turned to action. Two robed Sisters took her under her arms walking her as much as shoving her forward. The group scattered and dispersed in different directions. They walked and walked and walked taking what seemed to be a meandering set of turns, until through a door and a lamplight she was back into the dormitory. She recognized the two Sisters. What were her names again? Her rational mind was not there. It took time to turn her mind on. Gerta. Sutica. Of course.
"Hush," admonished Sutica.
"The effect of the narcotic gas will be wearing off on Tutor Gammala," Gerta filled her in.
"Here is an ointment for your entire body. Make sure no bruises show through your clothing in the morning."
"What are we? What are we about?" stumbled a weary-eyed Tairasu.
"Do you need to ask? Enough for tonight! Go to sleep, Mami. It is almost dawn."
"What have I joined?"
"The real Order, Sister. Never mention this to anyone.
"The nameless?"
"Listen, there is no time. Gerta will show you the call and response signs. You are a fresh initiate still on trial. You are forbidden to use them unless under duress."
"Is this the Black Order?" Tairasu blurted out, uncomfortably loud.
"We call ourselves the Black Swans. Remember, talk to no one."
They silently ran up the stairs. Tairasu had left the dormitory, and only Mami had come back.