Chapter 16

The corners are lit by a dying gleam; nobody takes refuge.

It was too far to take Apollo's body; they left her by the thunderpath.

There were no words about the course of action to take now that their leader was dead.

They just continued on as she had ordered, as if they knew of nothing else that could be done.

Aspenpaw felt as though his insides had been hollowed out.

He had heard a thousand stories of stoic leaders as a kit, and never once did they die but for ultimate sacrifice.

Apollo had simply died, not heroically, nor gruesomely so; her body just gave out after so much battering.

It felt like a skip in reality.

Aspenpaw walked far behind the rest of the commune, not wanting to remind them of his existence, his exhaustion lost for confusion, and his paranoia lost for a greater anxiety.

Everything had been cut off too early; Aspenpaw wasn't even sure of his feelings about Apollo, and he would never have chance to revise them except with his own development.

Though he had been growing to hate the white she-cat for her reckless actions and neglectful conferring, she had given him a place to be, a place to be real again.

A monster blew past, ripping the air like claws, and Aspenpaw, for a moment, wished to be there, to fly away from this sidewalk and reach the ends of the world, where no thought would need ever pass his mind again.

Aspenpaw wasn't sure how it was decided, who had suggested it or who had agreed, but the commune, once the sun was readying for rest, swerved off their path and across the thunderpath, settling in a crowded narrow-way, too cluttered for both sight and scent that they should never be found.

Aspenpaw stayed where he was, on the sidewalk beside the thunderpath.

He told himself it was because he feared crossing the black river, but looking over to his departing comrades, he found himself fearing more intensely that they may turn and see his form against the orange dusk.

They were in a thicket of buildings, much closer to the center of the city than they had been before, and though it wasn't busy with twolegs, Aspenpaw crept into the shadows to hide from what foes he couldn't see.

It was night before he saw any familiar face.

Several monsters had driven past, flashing their eyes over the thunderpath to create the illusion of sunlight.

He couldn't focus on a single thing, picking at the ground, trying to unearth the jags while his mind bombarded him.

He was a reprehensible creature, inpitiable and undeserving of goodness, too afraid to live and too afraid to die.

These were all redundant thoughts, Aspenpaw knew what he had done, but they plagued him further nonetheless, day and night,

"As?" Deya was in front of him, as suddenly as any thought, "Why're you still out here?"

Her voice was apprehensive, but she came to stand beside him without hesitation.

Aspenpaw wanted to throw himself into her and cry out in anguish.

It had been so long since he had been able to tell somebody how he felt.

He looked down in shame, unable to answer her question, but she interpreted his movements in her own way, "Everybody's all messed up right now, y'haven't gotta hide it from me,"

Aspenpaw found it almost amusing how Deya would always attempt to interpret what he was feeling.

Even when she wasn't completely correct, it was reassuring just to hear some words of encouragement.

But there was a shake in her voice, and when Aspenpaw brushed against her, he felt her muscles quivering like they had caught a frost, but her skin was exceptionally hot,

"You okay?" He ventured, laying his tail upon her back as she had done to him before.

Instantly, Deya's voice arose again, but the only sound that she could produce was a breathy crack as she eventually stuttered out the words,

"I-I-I'm fi-fine," It sounded painful for her to speak, and soon Aspenpaw felt hot liquid careen down his neck.

Aspenpaw had never thought that the strong she-cat could break down into tears, and he had never before been able to offer his emotional aid to anybody, always so distant,

"I-I, are you okay?" Aspenpaw, not knowing what else to do, asked the same question once again, his own voice now unsteady,

"I-I'm so, I'm so-so messed up," She didn't seem to know the words to describe her strife.

Aspenpaw pressed his body tighter against her's, but she refused to look at him, staring down instead at the pool she was creating, of tears and snot and drool,

"Wha-What do you want me-me to do?" Aspenpaw was frenzied with trying to think of a way to help,

"No!" Deya pulled away from him, before correcting herself, "Nothing,"

Aspenpaw felt helpless and could offer no comfort.

Even in her state, it was still Deya who had to be forward to get anything from him, "Y-You could, can you, can you sing me that song?"

She gave him a smile, as if trying to be sly, but her face was betrayed by the muscle spasms flexing her scars around, and the steady glaze over each of her eyes,

"T-The one Jingo taught me? Yeah, yeah, sure," Aspenpaw didn't think about it at all, "Lie down,"

He suggested kindly to her, trying to get her off her shaking paws, and Deya complied, resting uneasily before him,

"Okay," He breathed out before he started, painfully aware of Deya's eyes trained on him, and suddenly feeling responsible for whatever happened next.

Starting softly, unconfident of his projecting his voice through melody, Aspenpaw began to sing, improvising in the places where his memory failed to enlighten him,

"Dark was the night, cold was the ground where they laid my body down

I got no place left in this world

I only got my skin to feel, my eyes to see

Hm, my skin

Hm, my eyes

Take my soul, well

Take my soul

Use it to soak up your misery, hm

I don't need it anymore

The worms'll eat me up, the earth'll swallow me, well

I am a tramp, I am the wild, I am a child of the green

Take up my soul, well,

Take it through, well

Them stars up 'bove the far side of the sun

I'm still a-wanderin', and I'm goin' from hill to hill, well

'Til my grave shivers and unturns, and I'm placed back on my legs, hm,"

Aspenpaw had closed his eyes part way through the poem, too embarrassed to meet Deya's eyes as he sang the words he didn't feel belonged to him.

But when he opened them again, he didn't see disgust or disappointment; there was a smile spread across Deya's lips, a real, genuine smile behind her weary, saddened eyes,

"How was that?" He asked, filling the space left famished by the song,

"It was wonderful," Deya responded, calmed from before but still flinching when Aspenpaw took a step towards her, "Thanks,"

She didn't stay long, as if it was too hard to have any conversation after the emotional outpour she had just had, and Aspenpaw didn't try to stop her, didn't say anything back; he just watched her disappear into the night, streaking the city with white until she was consumed by shadows.

Aspenpaw curled up in his place, and for once, unplagued by thought, he fell seamlessly into slumber.

Morning came far too soon, the incipient sun cusping over the building tops when Aspenpaw blinked awake, a paw jabbing at his side.

He fell from the cradle of his dreamless sleep and into the company of Deya once again, who stood beside him, kneading his pelt,

"Yeh," Aspenpaw sighed, his voice tight as his muscles stretched underneath him,

"You awake now?"

"Eh,"

"We gotta go find somewhere to go hunt,"

"Okay," Aspenpaw relented, still mostly asleep, simple sounds all he could muster.

Deya nudged him to his paws when he still refused to move, "Where are we going?" Aspenpaw asked,

"I don't know, I've ever been here 'fore," Aspenpaw was reminded of the rest of commune, camping across the thunderpath where he hadn't seen them since, "But I'm sure the'll be some pigeons around, I heard them earlier,"

Aspenpaw was now ready to head out, but Deya looked around as if she was still waiting for him, prompting him to ask,

"Are you okay?" Deya's head snapped back towards him,

"What? Yeah," She answered quickly, but seeing the concern in his face, she elaborated, "I was just a bit stressed out yesterday, I'm fine. I'm sorry I forced you to deal with me like that,"

"You didn't force me," Deya didn't seem to believe him,

"Yeah. Come on, let's go," She spun around before Aspenpaw could put any more words into his mouth.

It was obvious that she was serious about keeping yesterday's event entirely in the past, but Aspenpaw still felt a strange feeling of remorse for not continuing the conversation.

He followed Deya out onto the sidewalk, where, to their right, a twoleg was walking down the way.

They went left, ever further from Apollo's camp.

Her body would have been carried away by scavengers by now.

Aspenpaw wondered if Jingo would ever learn of the she-cat's death.

The two hunters kept close to the sides of buildings, growing cautious at junctions and passing monsters.

It was still strangely lonely here, despite being further into the city.

Aspenpaw wondered why these buildings had been constructed if all they would be used for was drab decoration.

There was a claustrophobia here that Aspenpaw didn't think he would ever get used to, trapped beneath and between countless behemoths.

When they reached a stretch of land that burgeoned out in a space at least four times as large as Riverclan camp, Aspenpaw saw something he had never prepared to find in the city.

There were trees, and a small patch of grass, preserved in the center of the clearing by a short wall that went only halfway around on each side.

The sight invented a deeply nostalgic, painful feeling in Aspenpaw as he gazed in awe, though he couldn't find what memory he was revisiting now,

"What is that?" He asked, entranced with the mystical museum of a forest which had once been,

"Jus' a little park. I guess twolegs need a break from the city too sometimes," Deya responded without the wonder that grasped Aspenpaw, "There are birds, look!"

She alerted Aspenpaw to the sight of several sparrows and a starling perched silently on the thin branches of the small trees.

Her voice turned quiet as she pointed them out, and she began to stalk forward, crossing the thunderpath without caution.

Aspenpaw watched for monsters until she reached the sidewalk that surrounded the miniature forest, and he then raced towards her as close to the ground as he could be.

When he reached the other side, Deya was peeking over the top of the wall.

She sprang without signal as soon as Aspenpaw was in close by, causing him to fumble his body over the wall and leap blindly at the where many of the birds were.

Deya came down on the starling while the sparrows panicked and fluttered aimlessly, without the self-preserving instinct that so defined animals in danger.

It seemed that they had never been faced with predators before, and so, though he was slow, Aspenpaw was easily able to knock down two of them, killing both and nearly reaching a third before the flock took off.

He slumped down beside his catch and watched as the black shapes in the sky turned to specks and thin air,

"You could've warned me," He said, a bit irritated.

Deya looked confused for a moment before letting out a casual, "sorry," which Aspenpaw accepted, not wanting to stay mad at her over a small error.

He thought for a moment; it never usually mattered in what way a cat made him angry, whether mistake or intentional, the emotion usually overwhelmed him all the same, but not now, not with Deya.

It felt strange that the urge to snap at her was completely absent.

He'd never been able to successfully contain himself.

At times it felt like it was the rage he felt against their father's disappearance, which had never fully fizzled out.

Deya brought over her catch and laid it beside Aspenpaw's, taking one of the sparrows and settling next to him to share.

Just as Aspenpaw forced himself to take a bite, she asked a question, "Why'd you ever come here, if you don't mind?"

Aspenpaw didn't want to answer that, of course, and a million possibilities flashed in his mind of different answers to give and different reactions he would receive,

"There was no where else to go," he settled on, a sentiment which Deya seemed also to identify with, though likely in a less guilty way than Aspenpaw,

"Yeah, but there's surely gotta be somewhere else. Always thought that, at least. We just got unlucky,"

"Why haven't you left, then?"

"I could ask you that, too, but I don' think either o' us have got a good answer," She playfully shoved Aspenpaw and tried to lighten the load of the questions, "But I guess we ain't all that unlucky,"

"Yeah,"

"You really oughta talk more, I can see your mind racin' with all sorts o' things,"

"Don't I talk enough?" Aspenpaw asked sincerely, not having been aware of this perception of him, a trait he was never known for lacking,

"You answer questions well enough," Deya said in between a bite, "But you should really be a bit more selfish, talk 'bout yourself a bit,"

"I haven't got much going on," Aspenpaw tried to convince her as he had himself that there was nothing worth saying about him, but she refused to take it as an answer,

"Oh, come on, y'can't say that 'til you actually start, ya know, talkin' and stuff,"

"I talk enough,"

"Alright, As," The mood was still light as they shared the meal, but silence overtook them for a while.

Aspenpaw felt stressed by the whole situation.

A prying eye felt like a sharpened claw.

His nerves were in shock and an unfamiliar scent wrenched his muscles into a defensive position.

There were two toms walking by on the other side of the clearing.

Deya, looking down, advised Aspenpaw, "Sit down, they won't bother us,"

With a wary attitude, catching one of the toms in the eye, Aspenpaw did as she said and tried to ignore the cats until they passed,

"Who are they?"

"Donno, but I'm glad I brought you along," She smiled at him, forgetting their previous exchange,

"Let's go back," Aspenpaw suggested, eyeing the mostly eaten sparrow and hoping that Deya would agree.

She did, much to the gratitude of his nerves.

The way back was completely silent, due mostly to both of their mouths being filled with fresh-kill.

Aspenpaw had felt rather miserable on the way back.

His stomach ached from how little food he had eaten recently, and yet there was no thought in his mind about filling it any further.

He followed Deya into the narrow-way where the commune was hiding away, feeling quite sick as he did.

They had no camp yet, the cats were just packed into the small width.

Surprisingly, the commune seemed indifferent to his arrival, as if this wasn't the first time he had been here, with only a couple glances acknowledging his presence.

Rese and Roco were all still asleep on the hard ground, though it was certainly past the time they would usually be up to work.

There were only six of them now.

In such a short time they had been cut in half without communication to other communes.

Aspenpaw and Deya placed their catches in a sheltered corner where birds wouldn't spot them flying by, and sat beside one another for a moment.

As time passed, Aspenpaw noticed that Deya was starting to fidget.

Her eyes darted, and her body screamed to be released from here, as much as she tried to retain herself.

There was nobody to tell her what to do now, and she seemed completely lost,

"Let's get some rest, somebody else can find moss," Aspenpaw tried to sound as casual as he could, hoping that Deya would agree to sleep for a while.

Her eyes dragged as if she hadn't since the night before they left,

"We could do that," Deya said in regards to the search for moss, like she hadn't realized that it was a need until Aspenpaw mentioned it.

But he was already lying down,

"Later," He said with conviction, which finally convinced Deya, who plopped down beside him and nervously rested her head on her paws.

Aspenpaw knew what he should do here; he'd seen this scenario before.

It was his turn to comfort her like she had him, place his tail on her back and move his body close to her's, and let her head rest on his.

But he didn't do any of that.

It was a deep shame and regret that filled Aspenpaw as he closed his eyes, refusing to even give Deya a reassuring look.

He was entirely incapable of being an emotional support, and Aspenpaw felt like a true monster.

No matter how he had before tried to define that word, the only thing that it defined now was him.

Aspenpaw slept like he was dying.

It was much later in the day, around dusk, when Aspenpaw finally opened his eyes.

He had been awake for hours now, or at least, in and out of sleep, but the thought of even having his presence acknowledged anymore paralyzed him with disheartening feelings of self-hatred and regret.

Nobody had spoken the word, 'leader', and Aspenpaw could tell that it wasn't a conversation that any cat wanted to start.

He finally forsook his restless slumber and spread his lips in a yawn, his eyelids stretching out with his limbs.

His apparent entrance to the waking world was minded greatly by the commune, as nearly every pair of eyes in the narrow-way found their way to him.

Deya came bounding from the dusk-orange shadows and took Aspenpaw with her tail, leading him into the corner.

Her excitement disturbed him, and his worries were proven true by the tone of her voice as she began to whisper in his ear, "Rese has demanded a vote, for whether or not you can stay here with us,"

Aspenpaw's eyes widened with shock and fear.

Rese had always despised him, and at the first moment where she could annex some power, it was to bar Aspenpaw from their ranks.

Looking back at the eyes gleaming over his thin body, he realized that he had no allies here, none besides Deya.

He also saw, at the paws of Rese, five small voting stones.

She was anxious to be rid of him, "Alright," He whispered back to his only friend, completely in awe, but already justifying the decision in his mind.

He had done so little for the commune throughout his time here, it only made sense that they would wish to kick him out.

He stepped forward in preparation and kept his head high, wanting at least to create a faux pride to walk through exile with,

"Fin'ly. Git in line an' we'll vote like 'ow she taught us," Rese's voice boomed with authority, but Deya was quite to contradict her,

"You ain't our leader 'ere, Rese!" She grabbed a stone a hit it flying across the clearing where she took her place to stand, "I say he's stayin'!"

Aspenpaw raced to be by her side, though he wasn't allowed a stone to vote.

He looked at Deya with admiration and gratitude for how adamantly she had always defended him.

Rese didn't need to say a word and simply grabbed a stone and curled it into her lap.

Ledivier next took one and refused to do anything but glare at Aspenpaw as she sat opposite of him.

Aspenpaw knew what the outcome of this vote would be instantly when she did.

Aranyer prodded Roco forward until the healer nervously rolled back a stone onto her paw.

She stared down at it for many long moments, as if petrified by fear, which Aspenpaw had only ever known to have been caused by toms.

But then she looked at him, and in a decision that Aspenpaw couldn't comprehend, she rolled her stone to his side.

And with that, Aranyer passed a glance at Rese, one which seemed to be of disgust from what little of her face Aspenpaw could see, and then grabbed the final stone and sat beside him,

"Don't take it personally, tom," She whispered to cover herself.

The vote was three to two.

Rese was appalled. Aspenpaw was astonished,

"If that's now settled, Rese," Deya growled, "I'd like to ask you to forfeit whatever idea you have that you're in charge here,"

To the whole group she said, "We're one here, let's not start mutilating ourselves," and then she walked off, and Aspenpaw followed closely behind, too afraid to be left by his lonesome now that he had seen the extent to which Rese hated him.

He never quite caught up with her, and she never turned to say a word; they both just walked with a myriad of emotions through the fading colors of the city maze.