Chapter 19

It's getting hard to breathe in the dark, she just wants to go home.

A voice called the five cats to proclaim that all was well.

Aranyer reappeared after a long time and told the commune, "Right, they've readied for us. It's just right 'round there,"

She pointed with her tail as the four other she-cats rounded the corner to greet the allies waiting for them there.

Aspenpaw moved only barely forward, unaware of whether the other commune had been warned that a tom was among their ranks, and what they would do to him if they saw him.

After the rest of the group had vanished from sight, Aranyer began to approach Aspenpaw, and the look in her eyes suggested she was thinking the same things as he,

"You better stay back here, I think," She was fairly nonchalant, which confused and worried Aspenpaw,

"What do I do out here?" He asked, his worry turning to anger as the words left his mouth.

Strangely, it seemed as though Aranyer hadn't fully considered this, and it took more than a moment for her to give him an answer,

"You're a tom, you can go wh'ever ya want," Her voice sounded reasonable, but her words only amplified the emotions that Aspenpaw was feeling.

She was banishing him without hope of re-entry.

Fear was the only thing which stopped his snarl from becoming a scream,

"I'm a part of this commune too, Aranyer! You can't throw me out when you get more help!" A part of him knew it was somewhat unfair of him to take this out on Aranyer.

It was probably impossible to convince their hosts to invite a tom in as a member of their ranks, "I'm not some monster! I'm as much a cat as you!"

The word 'monster' made his stomach tense and churn in unexpected ways, like for a moment he was back in the forest, on the run from every shadow which might catch and kill him.

There was a strange look of shock and realization in Aranyer's eyes, and a strong sense of pity there too, despite the history between the two cats,

"I'll make, something happen," Aranyer gave him her last assertion, but the way she paused before vaguely declaring, 'something' drained the last of the hope from Aspenpaw's body and made him completely despondent,

"See ya, sometime," Aranyer quickly removed herself from the street corner, and Aspenpaw didn't follow.

He felt betrayed and shamed, not only by the commune, but more specifically by Deya, who hadn't even passed a glance back when they were invited in.

He had felt like there was a great kinship between the two of them, and now it seemed that he may never see her again.

He felt even more wallowed than when Jingo had left.

It was like every cat who showed him kindness could only be temporary, and they would all leave eventually.

Aspenpaw sat and waited, hoping dearly that Aranyer's words weren't hollow.

He knew if he tried to step inside he would likely be attacked and killed on sight, so all he could do was hold out hope.

The sun had moved so considerably, and his hunger was so gnawing, but still there was nothing.

His hope had distorted into discontent, and grown into anger, and finally, his mind boiled over and Aspenpaw turned and fled down the endless expanse of burgeoning streets and alleys, searching for something which he couldn't quite name, his rage overflowing into the violent impacts which his paws made on the ground.

He wasn't getting anywhere, there were no distinctive landmarks, but he continued in a straight line, just in case he needed to get back, in case Deya would come find him and bring him back.

In a strange way, he wished Apollo was still alive, still leading them.

Everything had fallen into chaos just as she fell in battle, and it had taken such a toll on everyone left in the commune.

Roco had become even more nervous, Rese was more controlling, Aranyer had become more distant, Deya had become prone to outpours of strong emotions, and Aspenpaw was only holding on to his position by the thread of chance.

And now it had snapped, and he sat heaving against the unkempt stones of a building, wishing that he hadn't been so much of a coward as to freeze in the face of the patrol which ripped Apollo's life.

Everything caught up to him in this moment.

He hadn't had the time to think or make realizations since before the battle with Jean's army, but now, alone, without responsibility, all the memories, and all the repressed, sinking sands of trauma came back like tumbling branches in the slicing breeze.

Those visions of carnage were before him, and he was frozen as ever,

"What're you doin' here, twitchy?" A young voice growled, and Aspenpaw lifted his head from his chest to see two toms.

They seemed to be brothers, with similar stature and the same brown stripes running along their backs.

Aspenpaw reared back against the wall, much to one of the brother's amusement.

He wasn't sure which of them had spoken, but he didn't have any intent to answer, not after they had already insulted him.

The same voice spoke again, artificially deepened to sound threatening, from the cat on Aspenpaw's left, "Ya dumb, spaz? This is our block,"

Aspenpaw hardly heard the end of what he was saying, because the tom had begun to lift his leg as to strike him.

But Aspenpaw was faster, and with one paw he caught the strike, while with the sheathed other he bludgeoned the back of the tom's head.

His brother shot forward, and Aspenpaw ducked around him, kicking his leg back to send him into the building.

No longer cornered, Aspenpaw was about to make a break for it, when a new voice yelled from across the way, "Scram! Scram!"

Immediately the two brothers were on their paws and were taking off, and Aspenpaw was left dazed and confused.

He turned around and saw two more toms heading his direction.

Once the brothers were gone, neither of them called for Aspenpaw to follow them, so he stayed still as they approached, paranoid however of their intent.

They walked dignifiedly, with combed, relatively clean pelts bearing a few scars, and fear struck Aspenpaw as he connected them to be soldiers,

"We've not seen you 'round here 'fore. You blowin' by?" A beige tom greeted him,

"Just a rolling stone," Aspenpaw stood his ground, an edge in his voice and a myriad of stray furs risen on the back of his neck.

The other tom, a dark gray cat with a booming voice compliment him, "Awf'ly impressed by yer combat, stranger,"

"I s'pose we should introduce," The beige tom spoke again.

His words were tight, like he was putting on an act, trying to make Aspenpaw lower his ground, "We are soldiers, sworn to Charlie, the leader of this city-"

"Despite what some may've told ya," The other tom jumped in.

Aspenpaw remained silently in terror without a single movement,

"-We've got a policy 'ere 'bout treatin' wanderers. Come with us, you'll be a guest for the night. We've food and sleepin' quarters, plenty safe, and shes for your needs,"

"I'm not fighting for you," Aspenpaw's eyes darted from one to the other, ready for when they coordinated an attack,

"We cert'nly ain't askin' ya to," The beige tom laughed reassuringly, "We've got plenty of everythin' to go 'round, so why not spread a bit of charity to those passin' through?"

Aspenpaw realized that he was now faced with another trial, as if Starclan, or whatever Ra'in was, had placed him here on purpose.

Though their offer was incredulous at best, Aspenpaw had seen how rolling stones were treated in the city, and the thought came to him that if he was able to scour their base and bring back information, he could prove his loyalty to the communes,

"Alright," Aspenpaw agreed with surprisingly little thought.

Part of him just didn't want to be alone tonight,

"Great. Come with us," Aspenpaw was almost won over by the beige tom's swooning, but stayed on edge as the two cats led him away,

"I am Gaine, scout and second line combatant, son of Da'in, the rations distributor," He introduced himself in a way that reminded Aspenpaw of Di, the first cat who he had met coming into the city.

He hadn't thought of the small tom since he'd left him in the rain the day of that great storm.

He hoped that he had taken some of Aspenpaw's advice and stayed away from violence,

"I am Ichure, scout and second line combatant," The gray tom didn't follow up with information about his father like Gaine had.

Neither of them asked Aspenpaw for his name, or any questions at all, and he much preferred it that way.

The streets were like navigating in tree branches, unsure of where he was putting his paw and with no sense of direction, the sun blocked out by foliage.

All he knew was that he was far away from the commune, and despite his best efforts, Aspenpaw just couldn't keep track of which street came off from where.

Gaine had said a few more things, all of which Aspenpaw found useless, simply informing him about city traditions and how he would be treated once they made it to their base.

They were here now, at a building which looked as stable as a bundle of sticks, but it was big, and Aspenpaw could already smell many cats inside.

He had been second-guessing himself over the decision to follow these cats here since he had agreed, but it was the realization of just how much potential danger there would be here which made him want to turn back the most.

But he had nowhere else to go.

Even if he guessed the correct way back to where he had started, he was sure that Aranyer had not made 'something' happen that would allow him to return to his place there,

"Please, wait here," Gaine said as they neared, "I will announce yer presence and make sure that the correct preparations are made,"

Aspenpaw was shocked by the formalities of his arrival, how precise every word was pronounced and delivered.

Ichure sat down in waiting. Aspenpaw stayed risen, looking into the dinghy building warily.

It was stout compared to the buildings around it, but was likely the same size due to its limited reach into the sky.

There were massive holes like teeth marks scattered across its surface, which seemed to Aspenpaw like it would make it uninhabitable during leaf-bare.

It was only a couple minutes that he stood there before Gaine reappeared at the only visible entrance, joined by two small she-cats who walked with their heads bent mostly down in submission and their tails lodged between their legs.

There was a prideful look on Gaine's face as he neared, "Some beauties," He wore a hardy smile, "Our most beautiful ancillae," He introduced them without names.

The two she-cats walked up to Aspenpaw, who was stunned with struggling to decide what to do.

He suddenly felt a poke on either side of him of their tongues against his pelt and he leaped back.

Neither of the she-cats looked up at him, they just stayed where they were,

"Oh, please," Gaine implored him endearingly, "Don't be humble of our comforts here. These two are yours to treat how you will, and they will fetch you all that you need. Now come, let me show you yer quarters,"

Aspenpaw hesitantly stepped forward, too far in to step out now, and hoping that the faster he did as Gaine said, the sooner he would be left to his own devices.

The she-cats followed behind him, an equinox distance from one another as if they were protecting him as closely as possible.

Aspenpaw turned to see that Ichure had stayed behind, looking out into the streets like a warrior in vigil.

The steps up to the entrance were soft wood, and they creaked with every step.

It seemed like whatever stone had been here before had been demolished, and in fact, there was wood covering many parts of the building, second class repairs for so many damages.

The shadows inside were violent against the small amounts of light which shone through the cracks.

The rooms were conjoined by numerous crawlspaces, to the point where Aspenpaw wasn't sure if he would be able to find his way out again.

They finally emerged into a large open space with only a couple slivers of light shining from the top cornice.

There was a nest splayed out in waiting, made of various twoleg fluffs and held together only by a hollow metal base,

"Be comfortable now, friend. I will inform the general of yer presence, but I apologize that he may not be available instantly. Until then, I hope you will find your company sufficient," Gaine left Aspenpaw feeling bemused and relieved at his exit.

He waited until he was sure the tom was gone before he turned to face the nest.

The two she-cats were huddled on either side of it, and as soon as he turned, they crept forward and one of them asked in a thin voice, "How may we serve you, sir?"

Aspenpaw was involuntarily silent.

He had never been a commanding cat, much less had he ever been given complete power over another before, and it was nearly tempting to exhort that power.

But looking down at the slaves, Aspenpaw felt assured that he could never do such a thing.

Anger rose from anxiety, and when one of the she-cats looked up at his expression, he saw such a deep fear in her eyes that he suddenly knew the worst that life could offer.

He tried to soften his gaze, but she looked down again in submission while Aspenpaw continued to stand there mute.

The same she-cat ventured to make him an offer, "Please come lie and rest. We will do all you desire of us,"

Aspenpaw wanted to escape their awaiting ears, so quickly and wordlessly accepted, stepping past them and pressing his paws onto the nest.

It disgusted him to accept this luxury.

He certainly didn't deserve it, and the cat's who gave it to him deserved it even less.

Both she-cats turned to face him with their heads still down, always in symmetry.

Aspenpaw was agape by the whole scene, and could only think to ask the simplest of questions, "What is your names?"

The she-cat who had spoken before raised her head, surprise and caution in her eyes, but she quickly responded,

"I am H'aoshin, and she is Acreo," She hesitated to say any more, as if she were afraid that Aspenpaw could find issue with any of the words that she spoke,

"I'm As,"

"That's a wonderful name," Aspenpaw started to become irrationally irritated by her insincere act.

He felt entirely helpless, even just to simply communicate with these cats.

Even trying to look in her eyes, she seemed to stare right past him,

"I'm not-" Aspenpaw couldn't find the words to tell them that he wouldn't hurt them, that he wasn't here to indulge in undeserved pleasures.

He stood up, unable to bear resting in that nest any further.

He saw Acreo quiver and bend down until her nose came right to the dusty floor.

The room was filled by a large, empty space of darkness, and Aspenpaw wished he could sink away into it and never be found again.

It was a mistake to accept the invitation, a mistake to join the commune, a mistake to ever start out in the direction of the city.

A soft, choked sob suddenly came to his attention, and though at first he thought it may be of own voice making the sound, he soon realized that it was coming from Acreo.

She was completely face-down now.

Aspenpaw tried to approach her, not knowing what to do, but H'aoshin quickly shot forward to block him, and with her head also pressed to the floor, she pleaded with him, "Please, sir! Don't hurt her! She's only a kit; I'll do everything for the both of us, please!"

Aspenpaw felt his body go cold and numb.

He could never, in any of his furthest dreams, harm these cats, her plea made him imagine it, imagine the injury he was capable of inflicting on them without consequence.

Aspenpaw was unsteady on his legs and he knelt down, breath caught deep in his throat.

H'aoshin looked up at him, and Aspenpaw finally found the words return to his mouth,

"I'm not gonna, hurt her," He whispered softly and mournfully. Her eyes were wet, as were his, but they glistened like street lights.

Empathy flowed from one to the other, and they knew now that they were safe, at least for the moment.

In a raspy, unstable voice, Aspenpaw began to make the only sounds he could now, and he started singing,

"Dark was the night, cold was the ground where they laid my body down

I got no place left in this world

I only got my skin to feel, my eyes to see

Hm, my skin

Hm, my eyes

Take my soul, well

Take my soul

Use it to soak up your misery, hm

I don't need it anymore

The worms'll eat me up, the earth'll swallow me, well

I am a tramp, I am the wild, I am a child of the green

Take up my soul, well,

Take it through, well

Them stars up 'bove the far side of the sun

I'm still a-wanderin', and I'm goin' from hill to hill, well

'Til my grave shivers and unturns, and I'm placed back on my legs, hm,

But at least the ground is well-fed,"

Acreo was still sniffling, but her tears had stopped.

H'aoshin had never broken eyesight.

Aspenpaw rested his head on his paws, worn out by the overwhelming emotions of the experience, but a paw came and touched him gently, raising his chin to the sky.

She held him there and looked into his stranger's eyes, then mouthed the words that Aspenpaw understood, and let him go,

"When will they be back?" Aspenpaw asked, unable to answer her,

"There's time," H'aoshin's voice was weak, and Aspenpaw finally looked upon her in detail.

Her small, thin gray pelt, finely matching his own, was groomed and slicked to perfection, not a single strain of dust or loose hairs.

She was prepared like a kit at their apprentice ceremony.

But her eyes betrayed her age; they had seen too much.

And the way she moved, so carefully, more like she was in pain than of show,

"Why do you have to be here?" Aspenpaw whispered nearly inaudibly, but H'aoshin seemed to understand,

"We just, got unlucky," She didn't give him more than she was required to, owing likely to how she was never meant to speak out of line.

Aspenpaw was unsatisfied by her answer, and felt the courage in him to disagree, "There must be more to life than lucky strikes!"

H'aoshin flinched at his words, and she finally shifted her eyes, admiring more of his form than just his face,

"I want to help you," Aspenpaw stated, "I can bring you, there's a commune nearby,"

"Shh!" H'aoshin quickly hushed him at the mention of communes. She pulled away, and then sorrowfully shook her head,

"Get out of here," She whispered adamantly.

Aspenpaw knew that she should go, but he didn't want to leave these strangers behind, "I want to help you," He implored further,

"It's not safe, not even for you here. They don't take kindly to toms who don' wanna fight with 'em,"

"It's not safe for you here!" Again, H'aoshin flinched, but she stood her ground and reasoned,

"They will track us down; you can just walk out," Aspenpaw opened his mouth to argue more, but nothing came out.

He became caught up in the hopelessness of their situation,

"I can take punishment," She said, "Don't get lost in our city. You'll never find the way back,"

Aspenpaw looked to his left and pointed at Acreo, "What about her?" H'aoshin looked at him with a sad, sweet smile,

"I can protect her. You're a good tom, As, you don't deserve to bear everyone's weight," Aspenpaw felt on the verge of tears, pleading now,

"I'm not good! I'm not a good tom. You deserve so much more than I do!" His voice cracked and a couple droplets fell to the earth before Aspenpaw forced himself to stop crying.

H'aoshin didn't say anything at first, but rested her tail cautiously on Aspenpaw's shoulder, and then leaned in to whisper,

"Go. We'll get out sometime. You've given us hope, and that's all you can do for us. Go," She removed herself from his reach and padded over to Acreo, the spring in her step dissipated and her tail flowing freely.

Aspenpaw, alone, ran, paws on fire.

He didn't stop to look over his shoulder, or to check down any alleys; he just kept going until he was out in the late afternoon sun, and still he kept running, back from where he came, hoping to find a familiar face in this sea of hostility.