content warning: there's some pretty heavy trauma going on and pretty dark thoughts. depressive spirals, suicidal ideas. can't be sure of what is worse which is why there is a warning now. as always take care when reading.

short content warning above. enjoy the chapter.

Scarlet Justice - ep. 95
"Rose"
[Crimson, Part 4]

I can understand...and feel...the gravity of my actions in this moment.

Leonidas Rothschild, the chief executive officer of Kobayashi Rice Corporation. Husband of Emi Kobayashi, once heiress to the Kobayashi Rice empire. My father. The one who, reluctantly, helped bring me into existence.

At this moment, he lies on the floor of his once majestically crafted mansion. Dead. And I am the one who killed him. I have killed my own father.

"..."

The ever increasing weight is a signal of sorts. One that tells me I am still human after all. Soon this facade will crack into pieces. I can only wonder what will become of me at that point in time. Will I survive the final transition? Or is this my end as well?

"Lili..."

Luna has the snakes around her arms disappear before kneeling down to meet me. She is still significantly wounded, but stable at this time. Her injured face shows concern for me. She is always thinking of me, more than she does herself.

"Luna-nee. Please, do not worry. It was something that I had to do, for your sake."

She shakes her head. "No. Don't say that. This isn't...it isn't something..."

"Luna-nee."

She hugs me tightly and refuses to let go. I can hear her crying.

"We've made it. This place is still standing, somehow..."

"Lili? Luna?"

Midori and Emi have arrived, though the front entrance. A bound, slightly moving person is set onto the floor before they hurry towards us. I assume that is Hidan from earlier. Luna releases me and is immediately embraced by Midori.

"Luna...oh, look at what they've done to you..."

"I'm alright, Midori. It's all thanks to Lili...she protected me this entire time, on her own."

"I can see that. Those other two attack...ers." Midori stares at a particular spot on the floor. Emi shakes her head and sinks slowly downwards.

"Yes. The person who...was behind all of this," Luna says. "The master of the house."

"There's no way...he really did his?" Emi asks. "But...but then why..."

"Weapons on the floor," Midori says. "Luna..."

"He personally did this to me."

"Why?" Emi asks, shaking.

"He wanted us all dead. He was the one who hired the two mercenaries, and they baited Lili into coming here so that she could be erased as well. It was all part of the plan. Everything, organized by his hand. The killings, the mansion burning...everything. I knew that he was always scum, but doing something like this...I never would have guessed at it."

"That blood is still fresh." Midori steps away from Luna and finally gets a good look at me. "Oh...oh no. Lili."

"Lili?! What's happened?" Emi stumbles on her way up and runs to me. Her trembling hands go on either side of my head. "What's happened...your eyes are so...it's...like staring into darkness..."

"Leonidas...hurt her. He...said many things. But worst of all, he said that she was...she was a mistake," Luna manages to get out. "And he tried to finish me off with that weapon. After Lili stopped the other mercenary, he was about to..."

"He tried to kill you...?" Emi asks.

"Yes."

"I was the one who did it, Haha-ue. He sought to kill Luna-nee, and I had no other option. I eliminated Leonidas Rothschild. It is something that I take full responsibility for," I say evenly. "He refused to negotiate, and was consistently hostile to us both. I suffered mental distress before the battle with the Akatsuki member Kakuzu, a man who carried the ability to steal the hearts of enemies. It is the reason why I am in this state."

"Something like that...it's my fault," Midori says with sorrow. "If I had been the one, then maybe..."

"Ane-ue. You are not at fault. I was the one who suggested this course of action. You could not have predicted that Leonidas Rothschild would be the mastermind of such an operation, nor could you have discerned his presence because of the advanced nature of the barrier surrounding the estate. You made the correct choice, using the information that was available to you."

"You're like this. How can I feel any other way?" she asks. "You were in so much pain that you just shut off...you had to face down your own father, and then make that awful decision. Something nobody, especially not a child, should have to carry out. Even if you felt bitter towards him, he was your family. The last remnant of your old life. Lili...I'm sorry. I should have..."

"Ane-ue. Please do not cry. I am not lost...the Lili from before will return to you. This state will not last for much longer. I am aware of everything that wants to come back. Those emotions are not gone forever."

"Putting it like that doesn't make me feel any better..."

"I apologize, Ane-ue. I sincerely wish that I could properly pacify your fears, but I am incapable at this time."

"Lili, no. You don't have to worry about...just..."

"I did not mean to-"

"You don't have to say any more," Emi assures me. "We understand, Lili. It just...hurts so much to see you like this, to hear you speak like some kind of machine. You're trying to cope. We know that. But this...all of this is too much to bear. You're in pain and...we can't help you."

"Haha-ue. I understand."

"I know you do." Emi pulls me into her body. I can feel her trembling disappear. She is calming. I hug her back and she has a positive response to it. For a long while, everything is quiet. The other women are too distressed to speak, or even move from their positions on the floor. Healing their pain is also out of my reach. Now that the threats have been neutralized, I feel...quite useless. It is a form of irony, I believe.

My words from before were not a lie to placate Emi and Midori. This state of being will not last for much longer. The partition that allowed me to operate at the highest efficiency, void of emotion or feeling, is starting to weaken and fade. Soon it will disappear. I do not know what will become of me. I do know that I would like to be alone and isolated, in an environment that would allow me time to recover if needed. My family is here. I know they care for me. But I must confront those feelings regarding L-...my...father. I must confront my feelings regarding my deceased father.

"Luna-nee. Ane-ue. Haha-ue."

"Lili...what is it you need, my love?" Midori asks.

"The time is coming soon. I would like to make a request. My desire is to retreat to a safe place where I can be alone for a while. I know the three of you wish nothing but the best for me, and that you would prefer to give me direct support as I work through my grief. However, I have determined that it would be best for my mental and personal development to take on these feelings alone, in isolation."

They look at each other before nodding.

"Take as long as you need, Lili," Midori says. "But if we hear...or sense anything that is amiss, one of us will be at your side in an instant. Is that an acceptable compromise?"

"Yes. Thank you for your gracious reply, Ane-ue."

She gives me a tender smile and pats my head. "Of course. Remember, we're all right here."

"Understood. I will see you all again in a reasonable frame of time."

As I leave, I hear the fading snippets of discussion.

"Emi...is there anything you would like to do with the body?"

"I...if you could hold onto him for a while...I would appreciate that. I have to figure out what to tell the family, and those on the board of directors...there's a lot of responsibility that has suddenly fallen into my lap."

I head up the stairs and leave the main foyer behind, moving to the top floor. The walls are scorched black everywhere I look. The carpet crunches beneath my feet. The heavy smell of smoke lingers. I walk past the burned out rooms until I reach a particular one.

This used to be my room.

Almost everything has been rendered down to ash and carbon. What remains is warped glass and blackened metal. The frame of my bed stands alone, with springs littering the now empty space inside of it. Perhaps many of these fires were set deliberately, with the help of jutsu. It would make sense...Kakuzu had the ability to send out his mask creatures, who were able to commit murderous acts on their own. All of the things that I owned before are now gone. The hideous dresses that must have still been in the closet. The old photos I left behind. The stuffed animals and toys that I collected. My most important treasures are in that small, locked cabinet in the Leaf, but...there were things here that had value as well.

I lower myself to the ground, resting my back against one of the blackened walls while hugging my knees. I wait. I feel the last shadows of this cold and empty state vanish. And at that, everything starts to flow. Just as it did before. I feel that pain once more, of when I shattered into pieces. My mind is hazy and heavy. Every feeling and cry from before was sealed away, never truly disappearing. In some place, on some level, I was still experiencing everything. I was still processing the hurt and anger and fear that had started to rule me from before, but it was being sharply managed, shunted somewhere else while I dealt with the task at hand. And now...now all of that is over. I have yet to heal. Especially from...those words.

He really called me a mistake. Shouldn't I have seen that coming? I don't know. I wouldn't want to know something like that. My own father, not just resenting me, but saying that I should...have never been born. What could I say to that? What could I do?

I want to say something, to just...speak, and maybe try to get over this in some way. But I can't. It's so hard to work up the strength to talk. My heart is still trying to put itself back together.

For a long time, many things happened. For a long time, I buried the truth inside of myself. I realize it now. The small void that I never explored. The memories that I had shoved down. The rage that burned inside of my heart, time and time again. Something that I had not just forgotten...I had repressed it. I sealed those memories away, because I was a frightened little girl who had just watched her mother die. I was scared, and I was alone in the world. I needed my father. I needed him to love me. I needed him to protect me from all of the scary, scary people that existed. I was nobody. I was nothing.

My mother...Caroline. Sometimes she wore a look of disappointment and dejection on her face. She tried to keep those moments from me, but I caught them despite her best efforts. These were things that I could not understand. What I thought of, what I wondered, was when that man would be home. I wanted my father to spend more time with me, with us. I grew older, and the presents and money weren't enough. I needed attention. I needed his attention. And it didn't matter how I got it. I ended up getting desperate. I was desperate enough to stop caring about what was happening around me. He never hugged me. Never read to me. Never kissed me good night and put the sheets over me. I was ignored in the mornings, talked over to my mother and stepmother and any other adults in the room. I was nothing to him. But I was a desperate, foolish child. I wanted nothing more than to please my father. To make him proud of me. To see him finally smile. To make him happy.

"I...wanted it. So badly."

My mouth is bitter. The tears are starting to fall, and I know they won't stop.

I had pushed everything out of my mind after that night, the last one I spent with my mother in this world. I shoved it all down. At the wake. At the funeral. Every day after that, until I left as my father's accessory. I pushed away everything, including the truth that I had known for so long.

"It was you...then, too. You did that to her...and I was too weak."

He threw me to the wind after Mom...no. The truth. He threw me to the wind after he killed Mom. I denied it until the truth was papered over in my mind. It was his fault. He never truly loved her. He poisoned her. He broke her. He made her go through all of those stressful things on purpose, never allowing her a chance to rest, even as sick as she was. And my mother fought for her life. I watched it all happen, afraid and alone. I saw him look at her frail, light body the morning she died. There wasn't anything there. He didn't care then. My instincts told me over and over that he was a monster, that I should have run away as far and as fast as I could. But I was just a child, wasn't I? How could I do something so drastic? How could I survive on my own, in a world that I had never truly experienced without my mother's guidance? And so, I shoved down those instincts. They screamed at me, but I refused to listen. I...needed my father. He was all that I had. I followed him.

I followed him right into the darkness, where he abandoned me.

"I...wanted to be your daughter. I always wanted...that much."

I became twisted. I saw the things that no child should see. Those experiences that filtered through me and gave deep colours to my soul. Those depraved people, those depraved things. The immorality and corruption. I saw and felt fear. Broken people, breaking each other. Hands that reached for me, trying to spirit me away. I cried out for my father, hoping that it would be enough, knowing in the back of my mind that if anyone knew how far apart we truly were, I was done for. I spent night after night, terrified and sobbing, stuck in the most decadent nightmares imaginable. And every morning I would rise to breakfast, alone. I took those blackened memories and locked them away, hoping that...if I was the good girl that he wanted...maybe I would never have to deal with them again in this life. I wanted to be his daughter.

But not once did he see me as a human being.

"Those...words. All I ever wanted was to hear...those words."

Everything hurts so much. I feel myself choking on my own tears.

I wanted him to say that he loved me. But I killed him. He's gone. He's dead, he will never come back to me. I did it with little hesitation. I knew that it was the end, but I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want that sort of thing to happen. I just...just wanted him to acknowledge me, for once in my life. To see me as a person.

I don't know why he chose this path. I don't know why he hated me so much that he chose to try and kill me, to kill my loved ones. Why he wanted to hurt Caroline, why he wanted to hurt Emi. What did I do to deserve something like this? There had to be a reason. Something that I did. But I can't...think of anything.

The people who gave me life. Both of them are gone. It's...my fault, isn't it? All of it?

Isn't it possible that I'm...I'm just a cursed person? I feel...maybe like...I should crack apart. Maybe...maybe I'm the one...maybe everything I knew was wrong. And I was...always the wrong type of person. Maybe that's why Daddy never loved me. I can't escape this pull. I know that...I know that my worth isn't based on what he thinks. But my head...in my head I can't help but think it. That I'm just wrong, that maybe I always have been.

It hurts. My head hurts.

"Nngh...what do I do..."

The memories keep flooding in. The ones from so long ago that I shoved down, and now I can remember it all. I can see everything disappearing, and I keep thinking, over and over and over...that...that maybe...I should...

"It's too much," I say through my tears. "I don't want to see it any more. Please..."

The strange background noise comes into focus. Foot...steps. This entire time, someone has been coming closer to me. They get to their knees and wipe away my tears gently.

"Step...mother?" I choke out. "Haha-ue...?"

"Yes. It's me. I'm...sorry for intruding. This is your place, and I...I was just so worried, and then I heard you in pain."

"N-no...don't apologize. Please...thank you for coming to me..."

"Lili...will you look at me a moment?"

"Yes." I look into her wearied eyes.

"I...am going to make a promise to you. It's one that will be bound to my soul forever." She takes her trembling hands and places them around mine. "I am going to be your mother. From here until the end of time."

"My..." I feel a wave of panic come over me. "Emi...please, you don't have to...I'm-"

"I want this. I want to be there for you, not just as a guardian, or a supporter. I want to be family. I want to be your family, most of all."

"You shouldn't..."

"I want you as my daughter, Lili," she says with tears in her eyes. "I've always wanted a beautiful, precious daughter. And I'm...a selfish person, I know it. I want you as my daughter because you're so warm, because your love has reached me over and over again. I want someone to love me, without condition. A precious friend who I can talk to about anything that's inside my heart."

"Emi..."

"I want to make this promise...I want you to accept me, Lili."

I start to open my mouth to protest. The words never make it out.

At once, I understand everything. I understand that there are things I have forgotten in this terrible situation.

It's not...just me in this world. It was never just me. I want to be selfish, I want to be alone as the cursed person that I think I might be. But the truth is that I'm not cursed. I'm needed. I am treasured. I...am loved. By so many people.

I have a family. I have always had a family. One that I created with my own two hands. I became a little sister that royalty could boast of. I became a step-daughter that brought pride to her family name. Someone who became a light in the darkness, a leader, a courageous and trusted friend. Even if I was never my father's daughter...I was always so much more. And I proved it.

The painful memories that have taken over my mind...they're not who I am. They're not the truth any more. I am not cursed. I am not a burden to those I love. I was scared before, it's true. I was powerless to save my mother from her illness, and my father from himself. But I am more than my painful failures. I am more than the foolish mistakes I made.

More than that...I am duty bound. My eyes move to Emi's stomach.

The duty of an older sister. To guide and protect. Midori and Luna have taught me that. And their lessons will not go to waste. I...am everything. I will mourn that bond that never was. And I will celebrate all of the bonds that are, that exist at this very moment and make me who I am.

I look into Emi's eyes...my mother's eyes.

"Emi...Mama. I hear your words, and I accept all of them. I understand now. Thank you...you came to me when I needed you the most, just like any mother would. I love you, Mama."

"Lili...thank you..."

She hugs me with all of her strength, crying and shaking. But I can feel her warmth and happiness. It's all I ever wanted. It's enough. I can start to move forward, to pick up those fragments of myself and put them back together slowly. Step by step. Day by day. I will find a way to overcome the pain inside of me. My heart will heal...and I will become whole again in time.

I will fight forward. For Caroline's memory. For Emi's future. I will protect everything dear to me...this I swear.

"That should be everything. I imagine the proper authorities have been called and will be arriving shortly..."

Midori lets out a breath. It's just the four of us now in the burned out foyer, standing near the front door. The bodies have all been moved...Hidan, who had been run through, poisoned, and subject to several torturous things to keep him down is going to be sent off for studies. Kakuzu's corpse has been transported and will likely be subject to the same type of testing, given his unique physiology. He likely was making use of a kinjutsu from the Hidden Waterfall, his home village. It has been a long time since he was first a shinobi, though. And my father's body...or rather, Leonidas Rothschild, the master of the house. He will be held for a while, preserved until Emi figures out what to do with him.

"Everything should be fine," the woman in question says. "As a result of this incident, the family business will fall into my hands again. I'm going to take it a bit more seriously this time, and I am certain that my father will see to it that the transition goes smoothly. But if I need your help, I will call on you, Midoriko."

"See that you do, Emi."

"Yes."

"I will let Sarutobi know what has happened through our usual channels. We don't want too much trouble, especially for our Lili here."

"Agreed. This experience has been...more than enough. And the potential scandal is something I want no parts of. Midoriko...when I get settled in, I will have access to certain sensitive records. I will have to find a way to forward them to you, so that you can investigate what has been taking place behind the scenes. You mentioned that the technology to obscure communication between yourself and Luna..."

"Originated in my land, yes. More than a little suspect. Orochimaru did own the old Rice Country in a literal sense, but that would not be enough to square this circle. Jakari Programming will be able to help. We have several people on payroll that will be happy to do something more exciting than usual with their time."

"That sounds very good. Thank you in advance for this."

"You're very welcome."

"I should be able to do something," I say. "Taking care of all this yourself-"

"Stop being stubborn," Emi says firmly. "You're in no state to carry on business. Please understand that, Lili."

"Yes. I'm sorry."

She gently rubs my cheek. "You meant nothing by it. I'm just being my pushy self, as you know. I would really like you to stay with me for the next while. But...I know better than that. You need to spend time in the Leaf, with the friends and family that you've made there. I have quite a few errands to take care of, no thanks to one former Mr. Emi Kobayashi, and you need a bit more emotional support than I can give you right now."

"Yes. I know it's...a lot."

"It's a lot for you as well. I can see that you want to get back to where you were before all of this happened. But it will take some time, and you have been through more than any twelve year old girl on this planet or any other has been, I suspect. All of us will need some time to properly process this. There's no need to rush."

"Yes, Mama."

"Good." She turns to Midori. "Midoriko...I'm leaving Luna to you. Love her like only you can."

"Yes. You can count on it." Luna nods and snuggles into Midori's side as they hold hands.

"Further discussion can be had later...for now, you are on paid leave until further notice, Luna."

"Mistress...yes, I understand. Will you be okay, Miss Lili?"

"More than okay, Luna. Your health is what's most important. You need time to heal, like Mama said earlier. Please take care of yourself, and let Midori-nee tend to you as she pleases."

"I understand. Then be well, Lili. I love you dearly, and I always will."

"I love you too, Luna-nee," I say with a smile.

"Lili, Emi...until the next, my lovelies. We will speak again soon."

With a light nod, Midori and Luna disappear by way of reverse summoning. Voices can be heard in the distance, coming closer to us. Emi and I move to the front steps to see some of the help arriving in the distance with horses and carriages. They're tending to all of the people they can see.

"Reinforcements...a welcome enough sight." Emi sighs. "I suppose this is a good excuse to build a new mansion, presumably somewhere more secure. Or perhaps I could just properly renovate this one. Mm...both. Both sounds good. While that is happening, travel sounds nice."

"You really will have a lot on your plate," I say.

"Yes, that much is true. Oh, and I can use my alter ego for more modelling and related activities. It's a delicious way to unwind, you know. I always feel so much lighter after a photo session."

"Mm. Up to perverted things as always."

"Come, now. Every woman has her hobbies. Mine just happen to be a bit lewder than most."

"You're pregnant, Mother. You do remember this, yes?" I ask with a brow raised.

"Well...as a wise woman once told me long ago," she says with a smug smile, "it's somebody's fetish."

I pause in wonder for a moment before giving her a resigned nod. I really can't argue that, can I.

"You truly are my mother. An unrivaled response," I say, flatly and sincerely.

"A lovely compliment that I will graciously accept. Thank you, my daughter."

"Think nothing of it, mother dearest."

"I will be sure to contact you at some point while abroad. Do you have any plans on changing your address?"

"Not any time soon, especially with Luna gone. You will have more than enough time to send me a card, and I can reply with details quickly if I do change my mind."

"Very good. Then expect to hear from me."

"Please take care of yourself, Mama."

"I promise you that I will. You make sure to do the same, my love."

"Yes, I promise you that."

"Mistress Emi! You're...you're safe!"

"Touka! You made it out...I was worried that you were lost, too..."

A woman makes her way up the stairs, out of breath. There's a sword on her hip, inside of a sheath that has had several chunks taken out of it. Her shirt and pants are matted with dried blood and dirt, and her brown hair looks like it's been chopped to pieces. A thin and waifish looking young lady, who had some strength in swordplay before she was hired.

"Lady Lilith? You're here...I-I thought..."

"It was thanks to her that I made it out alive. Luna is with Midoriko right now...she is safe as well. The master of the house, unfortunately...I will have to speak to you about that later, Touka."

"Yes...Lady Lilith, thank you. Because of you...I'm sorry. If only I had been faster, or stronger...Miss Lunamaria wouldn't have had to shoulder that burden, and Sara-nee..." She sniffles before dropping to her knees in front of us. "Please, forgive my weakness. I'll accept any punishment you decide on."

"..."

"Touka...you don't have to go that far," Emi says. "None of this is your fault."

"There is always tomorrow..."

Emi looks at me, and Touka raises her head.

"You don't...have to be the same person you were yesterday. Touka...I can feel your passion and sorrow. I want you to channel those things within you. I want you to remember the sacrifices that Luna and Sara, and everyone else made to protect Mama. Make those memories your strength...and serve your Mistress with everything that you have from now on."

"Lady Lilith..."

"I will put my faith in you, Touka Suzuki."

"Yes...yes!" She rises to her feet and salutes. "On my life, I will serve House Kobayashi with everything that I have. Lady Lilith, I swear this to you!"

"Well said. Mama, you are in the best hands."

Emi smiles and nods. "You're right. It looks like I've found my bodyguard...and new chief maid."

Touka blinks. "Ah...?"

"Goodbye for now," I say to Emi.

"Until the next."

We hug each other, for what feels like a long time...and at the same time, not nearly long enough. I don't want to let go, but I know that we both have to. And so, we do. I nod to the flustered Touka and leave the mansion's front steps. I go past the growing crowds of people, the medical staff and local lawmen, the shinobi that arrive and are surveying the scene from afar. I leave all of them behind. I don't look back.

"..."

I...am slowly returning to a home of mine. A place where I grew up. Where I learned the importance and true strength of bonds. The Village Hidden in Leaves...one more place where I can belong, and the place that will help me change the world. If not now, then one day soon.

The urgency is gone. The pain still lingers. But...I am sure of where I am heading now. This is time to myself...time to finally breathe. Where the air is clear, and my thoughts are fresh. This is the start of a new journey. For now, I only have the strength within me to walk slowly down this road.

But I have made a promise to myself. That when I am ready and healed...I will move at a speed too terrifying for man to comprehend. I know that I can do it. Because I'm Luna's elegant mistress. I'm Midori's brilliant little sister. I'm Emi's virtuoso daughter.

I'm Lili Kobayashi...the woman who can do anything.