Chapter Two:

Inkweaver Vanishes and Swag Declares War

A terrified scream filled the walls of a watermelon waifu warrior's house, causing a flock of birds to fly into the sky from the branches of a tree outside in the yard. The green-haired ex-watermelon Melony searched under a crate and within a box, followed by a drawer, looking everywhere as an empty holder sat upon a wall.

"No, no..." Melony said frantically, "I didn't relocate it, it was supposed to be here. Oh, what would he say if he found out that his creation was stolen, if he was still alive?"

The magic anime pen, Inkweaver, created by Melony's boyfriend, the late manga artist Axol, had vanished overnight. And it was not the first time it had been stolen, the crazy weeaboo Francis and his Anime Cartel had taken it for themselves during the Anime Crisis a couple of years prior and used it for their own gain until SMG4, Mario and the others put an end to their plans.

Now, it had just vanished overnight after Melony had taken so much care of it in the time since Axol's passing, and it had likely been stolen once again. If someone else got their hands on it and used it for their own gain, bad things were bound to happen.

Melony took a minute to compose herself and looked at the chibi-style drawing of herself holding hands with Axol, then she looked over at her pet axolotl, Axol Junior, and gently pet his head, apologizing for panicking. It was no use freaking out, now was the time to go find Inkweaver and Melony had to act fast before something happened.

Just then, she heard her phone vibrate and picked it up, seeing that her boyfriend Jaxl was texting her, asking if she was ready for tonight's movie.

'Got something to take care of.' Melony texted, 'And I might take a rain check.'

'Is something wrong?' Jaxl texted back.

Melony hesitated, then she said, 'I'm fine. I just have a feeling that someone is in danger and I have to help them.'

'Okay, good luck. See you at 6, babe.'

She put down the phone and breathed slowly, then her eyes flashed white and her deity mode activated. Her hands glowed and her sword appeared, Fierce Deity Melony pet Axol Jr. again, then she flew out of the house, ready to find Inkweaver and hunt down the mysterious culprit who had stolen it.

She hadn't misplaced it, someone had snuck into her house overnight and had stolen it...

"Mama mia."

Mario rubbed his head as he walked down the steps of his porch. After being hung upside down and shrunken, the Mario Bros had freed themselves and eaten a Super Mushroom that restored them to their normal size. Luigi took care of the traps, getting rid of the rope along with that stupid Shrink Ray weapon, and threw them out, tidying up the front of the house.

"Luigi, c'mon!" Mario called, "Our spaghetti's missing and we're going to-a kick someone's ass."

"Hang on, Mario." Luigi grunted, "Just-a checking if there aren't-a anymore traps. Looks like we're in-a the clear."

"Okie-dokie, it's-a time to do the Mario." Mario flashed a thumbs up.

"Oh yeah." Luigi grinned, "Let's-a go, it's-a Luigi time!"

The green-clad Italian joined his big brother and they headed down the Warp Pipe, setting off to look for Mario's missing spaghetti plates before someone ate them or before they got sour. Mario did not like eating bad spaghetti noodles, despite his capacity to eat anything.

At the Mushroom Kingdom Military Base, Chris Gordman was polishing his rifle and whistling calmly while Sergeant Mark and Admiral Greg trained with their weapons. It was a busy day on the site and the military was active, protecting the Mushroom Kingdom, even after the castle had sunk into the earth, and making sure their weaponry was in good condition.

Just then, everyone's mood shifted when a door burst open and Chris' associate, Commander Swagmaster69696969, Swag for short, emerged with fists shaking in the air. Every soldier turned, watching their unit's leader make his presence known.

"Chris, where's my redesign?" Swag shouted.

"What are you on about, Swag?" Chris asked.

Swag approached his comrade, glaring at him sharply, "Where is my redesign, Chris? I've had it with seeing that ugly N64 007 GoldenEye Saint Petersburg Guard enemy whenever I look at myself in the mirror and you look like a freaking Arctic Commando from the N64 007 GoldenEye game! And when are Greg and Mark getting new looks, I hate their ugly 007 Goldeneye guard looks!

"Everyone else in the Mushroom Kingdom on the show has gotten a new look, all but us, and Mario is still around. Not that Mario being around is a bad thing, he's a cool guy, BUT WHEN'S SMG4 GONNA GIVE US THOSE SNAZZY NEW LOOKS?! Old Man Hobo looks so cool nowadays after looking like ass with that wacky Pokémon sprite for years, BUT NOBODY NEGLECTS GIVING US REDESIGNS!"

"Aren't you being hypocritical for saying we should get redesigns while SMG4 keeps Mario around?" Chris asked.

"Shut up, Chris!" Swag shouted, "It's time for us to get merch, not counting SMG4's 10-Year Anniversary Special poster, and it starts with us and the other bois getting redesigns that don't make us look like sh*t AND WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY TANK?!"

The dim-witted guard/military commander ran towards his tank, which was covered in red, and looked all over it, his eyes popping wide. Swag could not believe what he was seeing, someone must have given it an unauthorized painting and did a pretty bad job. However, it didn't look like normal paint, it was some other red substance.

"My baby has been bled all over!" Swag exclaimed, "Or did someone do something to it? Either way, OH MY GOSH, it looks like it's bleeding! Don't worry, my precious, I will clean that stuff off until you're good as new."

"That's not blood, that's ink!" Greg said from close by.

"INK?!"

Swag's eyes went wide. The tank wasn't bled on, nor did someone attempt to give it a paint job, it had been inked. A tank getting inked was something that you did not see in the Mushroom Kingdom every day and Swag didn't ask for his tank to get covered in ink. He looked at the ink, thought about what had happened, and then, he jumped on top of the tank with a mad look in his eyes.

"Oh, boy. Here we go." Chris groaned.

"Some darned Inklings inked my tank!" Swag exclaimed, "AND WITHOUT MY PERMISSION! THIS IS AN ATTACK ON THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM, I BET THIS IS AN INK ATTACK ON THE MILITARY, IT HAS TO BE AN INK ATTACK! NOBODY INKS MY TANK AND GETS AWAY WITH IT! Those Inklings inked the wrong turf and this here base, the Mushroom Kingdom and my tank is no place for a Turf War!"

Swag grabbed a megaphone, "SOLDIERS, ASSEMBLE! Chris, assemble the military!"

'Oh boy.' Chris thought, as if Swag couldn't get any sillier.

It took minutes to get everybody together. Uniformed soldiers and guards, the latter of whom bore uncanny resemblance to the GoldenEye enemy guards, stood outside the military base and snapped to attention as a tank rolled forward and Swagmaster emerged, wearing a full-blown military uniform and a hat with sunglasses.

Chris, Mark and Greg stood at the front, all prepared to hear what Swag had to say. Swag was the commander of the military after all, even if their orders came from the president or the Princess herself.

However, following the destruction of Peach's Castle and Princess Peach's disappearance, the land and the kingdom were in turmoil, politically and non-politically, even as the president tried to organize things. In relation to the Mushroom Kingdom military's command structure, Swag mostly had that covered.

"Soldiers of the Mushroom Kingdom..." Swag declared, "For too long, we have shared this world with the Squidwards, the Inklings of Inkopolis, the kids who turn into squids, the humanoid Bloopers who ink shit! Today, we have been attacked. MY TANK WAS INKED AND NO INKLING BASTARD INKS MY TANK!

"That is not all of it, I have just received word from intelligence that a similar inking incident took place at the military base in the Koophari Desert Region and near the military embassy in New Donk City! Inklings are vandalizing us and whatever Turf War events happening here are likely a cover for sneak attacks on our soil!

"When this attack on our base happened, I do not care! WE WERE ATTACKED! And it is time to fight back! As of today, a state of war exists between the military of the Mushroom Kingdom and the Inklings of Inkopolis! We shall wipe the Inkling threat from the face of the planet and show that we, humans, are the dominant species on Planet Earth!

"No mercy! No surrender! The Inklings messed with the wrong folks and their rent is due. I, Swagmaster69696969, will not rest until the Mushroom Kingdom is safe from the Splatoon Menace! We will fight them in the hills and in the streets! We'll fight them in the cities and fight them on the beaches! They can ink our lives, but they will never ink OUR FREEDOMS! Onwards!"

The soldiers hollered, pumping the air with their fists and guns raised high. Chris quietly rolled his eyes and went along with it, siding with Swag as Greg and Mark did so too.

A spirit-raising army anthem played over a loudspeaker, sounding across the land, and soon, the soldiers were marching off to war, ready for battle with the Inklings with Commander Swag leading them. Chris joined him in the tank and nodded almost grimly to his fellow guard/soldier.

War was no game, every soldier had to be ready to lay down their lives on the battlefield, fighting against the enemy, and the soldiers had trained for this.

"Can't you believe it, Chris? We're going to war with the Inklings!" Swag remarked.

"You're the one who declared war, Swag." Chris told him.

"Yeah, and after they inked my tank. And what I said about similar incidents, I am not making that up."

"Definitely doesn't sound like a set up, not at all, it isn't like someone is pulling the strings and trying to use us to wipe out the Inklings as part of some scheme. Nope, the Inklings attacked us and we're declarin' war on 'em. However, finding Inkling targets won't be easy."

"I agree, Chris." Swag said, he pulled out a phone, "In fact, I know someone who may be interested in helping the war effort."

Chris looked at Swag with wide eyes. "SWAG, YOU IDIOT!" He exclaimed, "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK MEGGY WOULD WANT TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE DECIMATION OF THE RACE SHE WAS ONCE A PART OF?!"

Swag chuckled, "Oh, it ain't Meggy I'm talking about, I'm talking about... him."

"Wait. 'Him'? YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!"

"Oh yes, I am. I met him a month ago, said he was a mercenary for hire and was nice enough to give me his number. I just hope he's not too busy running from the cops, otherwise, it'll be hard getting Hal Monitor out of the way!"

Swag dialed the number as Chris shivered nervously, unable to believe that they were about to recruit one of the scummiest people to have ever walked the land and resided in the Dark Web.

Meanwhile, at a cabin in a dark forest, a man with cybernetic hands and trimmed brown hair with a slight beard sat back in a chair as he watched a horror movie about a masked psycho hunting women for sport on an unknown island. The man laughed with glee, watching as the psycho found one of the girls hiding in a shower and prepared to strike.

Just then, his cell phone, laying on the table, buzzed and the image of Swagmaster appeared on the screen. Karlos S. Zepelkin aka KongScumZelus paused the movie and picked up the phone, grinning with delight.

He opened his phone window and tapped the answer button, ready to take the call. "Karlos here." He said smoothly.

"How's it going, Zepelin?" Swag's voice came over the phone.

"Just great, how may I help you?"

"We're going to war with the Inklings of Inkopolis and we could use your Inkling hunting expertise."

Karlos' face brightened up. "Really?" He remarked, "Ain't that interestin'? How much money are we talking here for my services to the Mushroom Kingdom military for pinpointing one of your targets and scoping out an Inkling of critical importance?"

"We will pay you a sum of $105,121 for your assistance."

"First things first, where do you want us to meet?"

A mad grin was taking shape upon Karlos' face, it had been so long since he hunted Inklings and, now, he couldn't wait to get back out there and hunt Inklings again as a mercenary for the Mushroom Kingdom military and during a war. He'd never been an operative for an army unit before in his life, but this was going to be fun.