content warning: there's going to be discussion in this chapter about past unsavoury off screen actions. these will include teacher-student relationships, certain types of predatory behaviour, and child grooming. you may also have some opinions on certain outcomes. this is just a heads up before you start reading. thanks.

Scarlet Justice: Full Blossom – ep. 21
"Reflections"

Today's personal mission: meeting with Tomoko Kosugi.

"..."

Though I have heard good report of her so far, it doesn't change the fact that she was up to decidedly unsavoury things with a student of hers, even if I don't know what those unsavoury things were exactly. I don't think that they went too far, but does that even matter? It was still gross and inappropriate.

But...I know that Iruka has good judgement. He knows her better than I do, and saw her apologies and repentance as genuine. That's enough for me on its own. And because of that, I want to ask her about a few things. I also want to see her for myself, and hear just how much she's changed. It might not be good enough...but that needs to be something I decide while we're face to face. My feelings for a person won't be decided solely on rumour.

I walk the halls of the Academy and follow what I remember as her chakra signature. Upstairs to the second floor, where Iruka said she would be today at this time. As I near the room, someone else is heading out.

"Jiraiya?" I mutter. Annoying, but that only makes sense...women like that must be well within his strike zone, for obvious reasons.

He sighs before noticing me. "Oh. Hello, Lilith."

"Lord Jiraiya."

"Taking remedial classes or something?"

"No. I'm here for a meeting with Kosugi-sensei."

"Yeah, I wanted to talk with her too. But she's not in there...looks like some geek from one of the computer departments was taking over her class today."

I have to wonder what he's on about. Unless my recollection is wrong, and I'm picking up the chakra of her relative, or something to that effect. "Did that person say who they were?"

"Didn't ask. It's a real hassle talking to girls like that...always starstruck by my features, so they forget how to talk or act. Happens a lot."

"Uh-huh. I suppose I'll ask in your place, then. Be well the rest of your day."

"If you do find out where Miss Kosugi is, let me know later."

"I'll consider it," I say as I walk past him.

"Damn brat..."

I let his muttering go unpunished and slide open the door to the classroom. "Pardon my intrusion."

"Oh. You're...Colonel Kobayashi, right? Did you need something from me? Or, um...does this have to do with Lord Jiraiya coming in here earlier?"

The woman sitting at the desk in front of me is not what I was expecting. I'm sure, beyond anything, that this is her. It has to be. But...what am I looking at here? Her chest is modest, maybe even small underneath her black track jacket, which is balanced out by pink jogging pants. Her headband is wrapped safely around her neck. Over her light brown eyes are rectangular glasses with thin frames that I can tell are up there in price, based on what I've learned from Shino. Long, slightly tousled brown hair with an ahoge, like a manga heroine. And, as an added bit of mystery, her voice doesn't sound like it's been drenched in ten layers of sugar anymore.

Such are the wonders of time, it seems.

"Tomoko Kosugi...I'm sure I have that right. No wonder he didn't recognize you."

"Ah, yeah." She rubs at her shoulder. "You figured me out. Lord Jiraiya left before trying to get any information out of me...but, yeah. This is me."

"The other you wasn't...you. I mean...was she?"

"She was me, but...she was also someone I created. For a lot of reasons." She plays with her hands nervously. "I...can explain this, if you want. Or we can just get to your question so that you don't have to deal with me for longer than you have to. I think that's better for both of us, honestly."

"How much time do you have?" I ask. She looks surprised for a moment before adjusting her glasses.

"Oh, um. A few hours. My next class is a lecture in the afternoon...um. Coffee?"

"Sure. I'll buy."

"Yeah. Thanks. Sorry, let me just get my bag and we'll go."

Kosugi gets out of her chair and gathers her things together, hurriedly shoving them into her handbag. She does a visual sweep of the classroom, much like Iruka, then she heads towards the door with me.

"Would you like to try a cafe mocha today?" I ask as we leave the building.

"Oh. Is that alright? It's not too much?"

"It's fine, yes."

"Then...yeah. I'd like that."

"Good. There's a little place over here, not far from the classrooms. I think you'll like it well enough."

We step into a small shop, with a rustic looking, wooden interior. The shop owner greets me with a small wave.

"Good morning. Two cafe mocha today, please," I say to him.

"Yes, ma'am. I'll have them for you in a bit."

"Thank you kindly." I turn my head to Kosugi. "We'll go somewhere else after this. You probably don't want extra people listening in."

"Yeah...probably not. Thanks."

We get our cups and leave, then find an unoccupied bench so that we can sit together.

"So your breasts were fake, then."

She sighs and shakes her head. "You've got a way with words."

"Naturally. It's one of my many charm points."

"Well, for once you're mistaken." She zips down her jacket a bit so that I can see the wrapping around her chest. "Helps me keep things under wraps, pun intended. I take these off when I go home or work out, and other days I just wear a reliable sports bra instead. No hassle on my part. The wacky blue eyes you saw last time were contacts, obviously. I'm a bit near-sighted otherwise."

"I see."

"Kind of shocked that you wanted to talk to me. Buying me a mocha makes me think you might even like me a little, heh. But I'm not that deluded yet." She stares down at the cup in her hands before taking a sip from it.

"These things are hard," I say. "If your mind has changed, then...we can just sit here quietly for a while instead. It's no trouble."

I see her shoulders rise and fall before she goes still, continuing to stare down at her cup. Her fingers slowly move, tapping against the sides. I take a slow sip of my own mocha and savour it a bit.

"I was grooming Koichi."

The words weigh her down like lead.

"I didn't mean it that way. But I did. I was grooming him, and I didn't really stop until I realized it. Even when he came to me and made that reasonable suggestion to end our relationship as it was, I was just so stubborn and didn't want to let go. I finally realized it at the last moment. I realized what I had become. A predator."

"..."

"To get caught up like that as an adult is inexcusable. But I wasn't just an adult, I was a teacher. Something like that...it becomes unforgivable."

"That persona you put on. It came from somewhere. I can see that this is the real you, and not something you've done as penance," I say.

"Yeah. I...is it okay if I start from before all this? Not to make excuses, I just..."

"It's fine. Go on."

"Thank you." She takes another sip from her cup, then lets out a breath. "I never had a hard life or anything like that. My parents loved me, and they provided for me in all the ways that they could. It was just..."

"At a distance," I finish. "And you wanted more than just gifts and hugs every so often."

She looks at me and nods slowly, reassured by my understanding. "Yeah. I felt like...a fish inside of a glass bowl. I was fed, and tended to, and my water was always clean...things like that. But there was always a partition between myself and everyone else. I lived in a bubble that I couldn't get away from. People didn't hate me. Some of them even liked me for who I was. That smart, dorky, kind of quiet kid that didn't get on anyone's nerves. Plain and not as memorable as I wanted to be. I fell in love with cryptography from a young age. I had dreams of being the one to crack the supposedly uncrackable code, and rush into the Hokage's office to show it to him. He'd use it to win the war, and I'd get a medal and a whole bunch of people cheering for me at a ceremony. I thought that was cool. But even without that lofty dream, I loved it for what it was. It was fulfilling to me, you know? Something that was a part of me."

"Yes."

"I eventually became a chuunin. And even after that accomplishment...I felt like I was missing something. I was just so starved for attention beyond the praise my parents gave me in those brief moments we were together. I wanted to be liked more. I wanted to be like the other girls, who had girlfriends to gossip with and boys chasing after them all the time. So...I decided to move out when I got a little older. And that was when the Tomoko you saw came into existence. I researched stuff that people liked, and incorporated it into my new persona, as you called it. Instead of hiding the big breasts that made people give me weird looks, I got clothing to emphasize them. Instead of letting my hair come out however it wanted after a wash, I made sure it was smooth and shiny. I traded the comfortable clothing I liked for stuff that clung to my body. Did voice training to sound cute and bubbly."

"It worked well enough, I suppose."

"Critical success," she says with a wry smile. "I got all of the attention I wanted, and then some. I left my original career path in cryptography behind because that was boring nerd stuff, and I was beyond that. I went into teaching instead, my second choice. And...I really liked that, too. Truly. It wasn't just part of the gimmick. But it helped push me further down that road. I...I was getting so much attention. All the boys who would have ignored me before and called me a loser in their heads were looking right at me now. I could see the lust in their eyes. I got so addicted to the thrill of it, sick as it sounds. I would overhear those teenage boys saying dirty things about me, wanting me. I was the young girl from way back when, chasing after that adoration and finally getting it. I could wrap them around my fingers without even trying. And then...you know what happened next."

"Your first team."

"My first team." She shakily takes another sip of her mocha. "Kiba, Erika...and Koichi. All good kids. Erika was sharp from the day we met. I know now that she saw through me all the way, but she did all she could to give me support. She helped me, she talked to me often. I felt like I could let some of my guard down around her. Kiba was oblivious, which tracks. I knew I couldn't wind him up too much because of how protective his sister was. Oh, and his mom would probably murder me afterwards. And then we had...Koichi."

She stops and fiddles with her glasses.

"He was such a strange kid. I thought that I could just kite him around, I guess. But...but he called me a goddess. And it was at that point that I lost control. Just that one word sent me into a spiral, and I thought that I had to keep him close to me. I was just so high on it, on him. I gave into terrible impulses. It wasn't...I didn't have sex with him, or even tried it. I didn't want that from him, I just wanted to be touched, and held, and looked at by someone who wanted me, and me alone. I kept him to myself, took him to places where we could be alone and just flirt with each other, even if he wasn't fully aware of what was going on. I fed from him. I took his time and innocence, and played it off as something it wasn't." She sniffles and takes off her glasses. "I just wanted to be...to be wanted. I was just chasing something from so long ago, something I thought I deserved. But I was a monster. I always will be for that, even if in my mind, I didn't realize what it was that I was doing. Rika, she kept talking me down, one step at a time, even though she wasn't really aware of what was really happening between us. And because of that, by the time Koichi came by to have that long conversation, I could understand how much damage I had done, and it was easier to let go. It was after that conversation that I felt the full weight of what I had done, just crashing down on me like a giant wave. So...I panicked. I went to Iruka and told him everything, and I told the Hokage, and I got my resignation letter ready, and went into the office. And when I got there, they...they..."

"..."

"They said they forgave me, and wanted me to stay."

I take a tissue from my pocket and hand it to her. She wipes at her tears.

"Thank you. I was just in shock, and Lord Hokage said he had seen this happen before, and Iruka said that he just wanted me to get help, and that I was a wonderful teacher and he saw potential in me. I really couldn't believe it. I thought my life was over, but somehow I got a second chance. It was something that I didn't think I deserved."

"If we were all treated as deserved for our sins, there would be none left to walk this earth," I say gently. "You realized your wrongdoing and were ready to accept the outcome. It's more than most people would do. You apologized to the person you hurt. You tried to make amends."

"Does that even matter?"

"Yes. It does. It always does. It's not absolution, but it is something. And those kind souls who see your effort, and your struggle, will do their best to reward you. You didn't run away...you faced what you had done."

She sniffles again and puts her glasses back on. "I...took close to two years off. Went to therapy. Stayed with my parents for a while...they retired early, so they have lots of free time now. I told them how messed up I was, and they...held me for the first time I could remember. I just broke down, turned into a puddle on the floor. Just the feeling of knowing how fucked up I was, and that they still loved me as their daughter. That was the start of my healing. Now, I'm...doing classroom study and cipher analysis on an alternating schedule. Staying away from anyone or anything that would get me into trouble. Iruka and Lord Hokage are looking after me, making sure I check in. Rika talks to me as often as she can. The boys at school...they don't pay me much attention anymore, looking like this. Heh. I can't say I hate the peace and quiet."

It's amusing, almost. All this time, I thought we couldn't be further apart. But...I can understand her feelings. The pain she felt, being all alone even within the growing, moving crowds. And the desire to change. I folded into myself, descending into darkness, while she changed herself to go outwards, in an attempt to escape the feelings tormenting her each day.

We didn't do the same things. Nor did we make the same mistakes. Maybe, if she had been validated sooner...and I had been left by myself for longer. We could have fallen onto different paths. Wanting to change, and disliking the person you were born as, even if you were perfectly healthy otherwise...

"Miss Kosugi?"

"You don't have to be so formal, especially with the difference in rank and all. Tomoko is fine. Or Tomo, if you're feeling bold," she says with a weary smile.

"Tomo. I'm proud of you."

"I...eh?" She blinks, fresh tears coming to her eyes. "Why...what did you..."

"I'm proud of you," I repeat firmly. "You overcame yourself. You've chosen to become a better person, and risked yourself to do so. You chose not to stay down." I place my hand over hers gently. "You don't have to be the same person you were yesterday."

"But I was...I did..."

"I know. What you did was wrong. But it's also in the past. It's not something that needs to define you, and you should know that. You should know that you deserve forgiveness, and that you're a human being like the rest of us. Don't think of yourself as any less than that. Erika has never said a bad word about you, and neither has Koichi, and neither has Kiba. You are loved, and always will be."

"Do you really...mean that?" she asks, trembling.

"Yes. No matter what I might have thought of you before, I think much better of you now. In fact, that's probably why I reacted to you so badly in the first place...just the feeling that you were a plastic person, tailoring yourself to what the world wanted." I take out another tissue and she uses it to wipe her tears again. "I must ask, though...why are you placing such importance on my opinion?"

"Ah, yeah...it seems kind of weird..." She takes a breath in to calm down. "You were the type of person I wanted to be, and I...felt so guilty about it."

"What do you mean?"

"You were so true to yourself at the Academy, and beyond that. I was watching you a bit...just the way that you carried yourself was amazing. You were confident, and beautiful, and competent in just about everything you did. You were wonderful, and yet...so many people looked down on you. I didn't have to deal with what you did as a child, and yet I could just put on a fake image like I did and get all of the praise and attention and affection that you never did. I just...wondered if you would think I was pathetic for talking about all this stuff. I expected you to treat me more harshly."

"Well, I did hear good report of you from Iruka, among others. In fact, that's why I sought you out in the first place. You are a brilliant young educator, who has guided her students and helped them grow splendidly. You're also a virtual savant in your home field, from what I hear."

She laughs a bit. "Yeah. You can take the girl out of the cryptography lab, but you can't take the cryptography lab out of the girl, I guess. No matter how far I tried to run from my first love, I'd always come back to it. I, um...do some good work, yeah. Nothing special."

"I think you are special. Iruka has taken you as his second, and speaks highly of you. He's someone that I love and respect deeply. Do you know why?"

"Because...of what he did for you after that incident. With Sasuke Uchiha."

"Yes."

"He's an incredibly kind person. Maybe too kind sometimes. The last thing I want to see is him burning out, so I take care of his work from time to time."

"He definitely needs a few people to look after him, yes. But someone like that...if he's endorsed you, then I think you're more than good enough for what I'm thinking."

"What is it?"

"Something down the road." I take a scroll from my pocket and hand it to her. She sets down her cup and unrolls it a bit.

"Wait...this is a new education plan."

"I want to have it implemented when I become Hokage."

"Shouldn't you have Iruka look at this?"

"I did. And he said you would be the best person to optimize all of the solutions we have there. It's an incomplete plan right now, with things that we will fill in over the next few years. But I wanted to leave the project in your hands to refine, if you can handle it."

"I want to say no."

She rolls the scroll up again and holds it in her hands.

"I don't deserve this responsibility. Shaping the future of this village's children? After what I did? How is that fair?"

Her hands tighten around it.

"But I know now that those voices...don't matter. Because I have people who believe in me. I made mistakes, but I'm fixing them. I'm trying, and not just superficially. Most of all...I don't want to throw away the faith that so many kind people have in me. If I just tossed that away because of my doubts, I would be even lower than the trash I thought I was. I'm more than just some attention seeking bimbo predator...I have to move past that. I can't live inside my own head forever."

She gives me a determined nod.

"Alright. I'll take on this challenge."

"Good. And you may call me Lili from now on, if you're comfortable."

"Lili. Thank you so much...for all of this. Though, if I have to be honest," she says with a smile, "being noticed by the most popular girl around is a big ego boost, you know."

I smile at that. "Hmph. A bookish girl at heart, aren't we."

"For sure." She finishes her mocha and sighs. "That's good stuff. I really will pop by that place more often."

"Speaking of making up for things...I've been told that you were playing matchmaker a while ago?"

"I was, yeah. Shiho is a nice girl. A little too nice for the boy she was crushing on before."

"Who was that?"

"Shikamaru Nara."

I blink. "Seriously?"

"Seriously. You know him pretty well, from what I remember. That's the kind of guy that needs a good kick in the behind from time to time, and I don't think Shiho has it in her. Koichi is a good guy, and he's pretty low maintenance. They get along well...he's a natural at cipher cracking, too. Part of why I clung to him. I almost cracked, heh, and showed him my true form a few times, but yeah. I was loopy at that point."

"We do live in interesting times, don't we."

"We sure do." She sighs. "I still can't believe this happened. But I know I'm not dreaming."

"This world of dreams will come to an end soon enough. That is why I have started my preparations now."

"I can see that. Rika always liked to mention how cool you were, and...yeah. It's great to see it up close, finally. I was a bit jealous of you. In a good way, I mean. Yeah. Sorry, I'm just a weirdo sometimes."

I smile. "I seem to be well-affiliated with the many strange people of this village. What's one more to my ranks, hm?"

"I'm glad I can be of help."

Hm. There is one more thing we can do, isn't there?

"It's not my intention to make use of you as a common tool," I begin, "so feel free to consider this suggestion at your own leisure."

"What is it?" Tomo asks.

"Given your skill at creating and deciphering code...I'm going to ask for something a little dangerous. I want you to create two secure systems. One for use in an upcoming undercover mission, and the other for my use at Magnolia House. I'll get the Hokage's permission so that you can continue without any issues."

"I can see why you said it was dangerous. Things like that would catch the attention of a bunch of unsavoury agencies." She lets out a breath. "Another challenge, eh. Sounds good to me. I want to help any way that I can."

"You really will be helping to save the world, Tomo. Just like in your dream back then."

"Yeah..." She smiles and stands up. "Just like back then. You've got me fired up now, so I'm gonna take off and get started on ideas for the cipher. Thanks for the talk, and the drink. And, like...not hating me."

I stand up and give her a hug, which she returns happily after a moment of surprise.

"One day at a time, Tomo. You're doing well."

"Thank you, Lili. I'll...see you around." She hands me her empty cup and grabs her bag before leaving.

I finish the rest of my mocha and find a bin to toss the two cups in.

"Second chances...and past crimes."

I settle into a walk, putting my hands in my pockets.

"Tomo, I know you'll make use of what you've been given. That's what I feel in my heart. May heaven be with you."

It's all that needs to be said, in the end.