Peach had been kidnapped. Again.
As the monarch of a large, prosperous kingdom, there were just certain risks one grew accustomed to facing. As the neighbor of another would-be monarch with a reckless streak of infatuation, those risks tended to increase more than the usual. Since the only possibility of fighting back against such forces usually amounted to a measly two outsiders, the risks shifted to reality pretty quickly.
And, since those two outsiders had made a name for themselves in a great many other kingdoms, they inexorably drew more dangerous individuals seeking their own fame.
There were upsides to this sort of thing, of course. Peach had seen a great deal more of the world – and other worlds – than if the Mushroom Kingdom had always stayed peaceful and manageable. A couple times she had been forced to fend for herself, and so gained a level of confidence and competence that would not have been allowed to surface otherwise. For all the twisted, evil individuals that had come into her life, there were many more who had brightened it when all threatened to go dark.
Still, some kidnappings were better than others. Bowser at least could be trusted not to do anything seriously dangerous. She would be given a nice place to stay, and he might even be able to tempt her into a round of tennis to pass the time. He was not above either working with or competing against his enemies in a friendly game. For all his fire and bluster, he just seemed to enjoy causing a ruckus.
He would not, however, strand her in what appeared to be a basement with gray concrete walls, with an endless number of arrows pointing down an endless number of corners. Peach had been walking for what seemed like hours, with nothing but the sound of her own footfalls for company.
Finally, the tomb-like silence began to give way to a tinkling melody. She didn't recognize the tune, but it felt completely out of place. Carnival music, with the toots of whistles and tinkle of bells. Was this the backstage of a circus? What were the chances she'd find herself on some kind of spotlit rotating platform, placed on view for a multitude of rogues?
Finally her path led her to a pair of double-doors, the thick metal variety with a push-bar for escaping fire. With a fervent prayer that what she found on the other side would not be worse than what she was coming from, she pushed one of the doors open.
The sudden increase in volume alone nearly blew her backward, but the sound was nothing compared to the sight that assailed her eyes. Bright moving lights of all sizes and colors flashed in rhythm to the music, a carnival nightmare that espoused evil clowns more than happy children. Sitting before her, in a small railcar painted in glowing pink and green, was a tall man in an outfit that stood out even in the cacophony of color. A tall top hat, a purple suit with a glittering orange flower, white boots studded with rhinestones, white gloves that ended in cuffs of mutating rainbows.
He stepped from the railcar and doffed his hat, dropping down into a gangly bow. "Greetings, Princess Peach, Matriarch of the Mushroom Kingdom, Mother of Toads, Queen of Power-Ups! Welcome to the Arena!"
"Um...thank you," Peach answered, more at a loss for words than usual. "And you are...?"
He stood at attention and replaced his top hat, extending his hand. "I am the Grand Master, the Hand of Fate. You may call me Master Hand."
"Er...pleased to meet you, Mister Hand..." She extended her own for a handshake.
"MASTER Hand," he said in the same friendly, singsong tone he had used to greet her, but with a flash of the eyes and surprisingly strong squeeze of the hand. Peach sensed immediately that she was not in store for a Bowser-style kidnapping. He pulled her gently but firmly into the railcar. "I am the master of games, the Baron of Bets, the Earl of Entertainment! Cast away all dull toil, all ye who enter here, for FUN is the order of the day!" He sat down on one end of the railcar, facing her, and motioned toward her to do likewise. The moment she was seated, the railcar lurched into motion, propelling her forward into a tunnel with walls on all sides and the smiling Master in front of her. The walls dimmed to black, then flashed to life, showing a hodgepodge of images of the Mushroom Kingdom.
"The role of Princess is a hard one, is it not?" implored the Master. "How competent you must be, to handle a population of mischievous Boos and literally explosive Bob-Ombs! Well, you have earned a well-deserved vacation!" The scenery changed to a luxurious bedroom with balcony and enormous bath; a table laden with lobster, exotic fruits, and seven-layer cake; a swimming pool with slides, fountains, and a Tiki bar; and a large room with gigantic TV set, pool and ping-pong tables, and a karaoke machine.
"But what fun would this be all by yourself? Here are gathered the most brilliant and talented warriors, from the far reaches of the universe!" The images changed again, showing scenery that felt exotic even to a traveler of worlds like Peach. And as strange and varied as the landscapes were the people; a fox piloting a winged craft, a bouncing pink blob, a furry creature that summoned lightning with a cry.
Despite this, only one word stuck in Peach's mind. "Did you say warriors?"
"But of course!" Master Hand exclaimed with toothy glee. "O Princess of Perils, I have seen deep inside your heart, and I can tell that you tire of playing the passive role. Here you can match wits as well as skill!"
"B-but, I'm no kind of warrior," Peach stammered. "The Mario brothers..."
"Hush! There is nothing to fear. We are entering the Safe Zone." Here he pointed upward to an arc of light. As they passed through it, Peach felt a strange sensation, like being covered in a protective barrier. "After all, this is a place of games and amusement, not life-or-death battles! Go ahead, hit me!"
"I could hardly..."
"Go ahead, do it!"
Peach reached forward and struck him across the face as hard as she could. Her hand tingled with the strange sensation of rubber striking rubber. The Master's head whipped to the side, then snapped back. "You see? What fun would it be if you had the specter of death hanging over you? And now, the game begins!"
With that, he pulled back on a lever and the bottom of the railcar opened up. "Here's just a little warm-up to get you used to the mechanics of the place," the Master called down as Peach fell through with a startled yell. "After that, get some rest, as I've got lots of activities planned for everyone!"
Peach landed with a slight bounce, which mercifully did not hurt at all. "At least that bit about the Safe Zone wasn't a lie," Peach muttered as she dusted herself off. She looked around to find herself in a passable imitation of the Mushroom Kingdom, but obviously engineered so that there was one and only one way to move forward.
"Vacation indeed," Peach muttered. "A day by the seaside with a good book would have suited me better!"
Peach carefully made her way along the passage, keeping clear of all obstacles. "Now now, that won't do!"
She stopped short as she heard the Master's voice. She looked back and forth, but could see no one. Where was the voice coming from? Inside her own head?
"I know you're more of a pacifist than some of your peers, but this will be no fun if you simply try to dodge everything. And don't think I would throw you in here with nothing but your bare hands! Look to the ground!"
Peach did so, and recognized some of the tufts of grass. She pulled one up and got a fair-sized turnip. "And these will show up regardless of what stage is set!" the Master assured her as she tossed it at a Goomba. Its image shivered and disappeared; a holographic projection. "But you also have the ability to summon certain items; just think of it, and it will appear in your hand! Have a go at punting that one across the field," he said as another Goomba appeared. "Or should I say, a line drive?"
A golf club appeared in her hand. She lined up the shot and sent the faux Goomba sailing. "Brilliant, no? But there's still more! You'd think there's no way to get across that yawning chasm, right?"
"That did come to mind," she replied dryly as she stepped up to the side of a wide canyon.
"Think of an umbrella in your hand! And now, jump the gap!"
"Are you kidding?" Peach demanded as the suggested umbrella appeared.
"What are you afraid of? This is the Safe Zone, after all!"
"Is there a bottom to this thing?" Peach asked warily, not able to see anything but blackness below.
"Actually, it's a sort of warp zone," the Master replied, "Not all that different from what you see in your own world. Observe!"
Somebody shoved Peach roughly in the back, and she fell over the side with a shriek. The umbrella popped open and she found herself floating slowly downward.
"With practice, you should be able to pull your way out of a fall. But for now, I'll just demonstrate the warp zone."
With that, Peach found herself swallowed up in darkness. But before she could move or cry out, she was standing back on the edge of the cliff again. She breathed in deeply, trying to slow down her racing heart, and opened the umbrella again. "You're saying I can actually cross this if I jump far enough?"
"Absolutely!"
Peach took several steps back, sucked in a deep breath, and sprinted for the edge. She leaped over the side, and held the umbrella over her head. To her surprise, she could feel both the umbrella and her skirts trap air beneath, and she floated slowly over to the other side.
"You see? Easy! Now I'll just leave you to the practice course. Your living quarters are on the other side, which you'll share with some of the other warriors. Ta-ta!"
"I hope the others are less crazy than that guy," Peach muttered as she slowly made her way through the obstacle course.
Finally, hot, sweaty, and dusty from sliding down a hill of sand, she reached another fire door. She pushed it open with a grunt, and found herself in another hallway. This one, however, had a shiny tiled floor and elegant wallpaper. Her heels clicked on the floor and she rounded a corner to see the TV room she'd been shown earlier. A group of odd-looking characters stopped what they were doing and raised their heads to greet the newcomer.
Two young boys sat in front of the television. One looked like any small boy, with a striped shirt and baseball cap, but the other sported a laurel crown and a set of wings. Off to the side stood a person who could have been a robot or just wearing heavy armor, Peach couldn't tell. A gorilla wearing a tie turned toward her with a ping-pong paddle in its hand. His partner was a young woman, and as Peach spied the crown on her head, she felt a surge of relief at possibly meeting another princess. But behind her, tinkering with karaoke machine, was a much more familiar face.
"Peach!" Bowser's face lit up the moment she spotted him. "Am I glad to see you!"