Chapter 43: Under Wraps
A/N: Andddddd I'm back finally with another chapter! When I said I'd take a small break from Skyline I didn't really mean a five month break and for that I sincerely apologize. My life hasn't been so kind to me in that time frame and I'm slowly recovering from the mental fog of it all. I had a lot going on and unlike some writers, I can't force myself to write through mental blocks or lack of inspiration. Frankly, I was surprised that I managed to get the Skyline Prelude out and update Heat of the Moment during that time. Anyway, sorry for the personal monologue, I just needed to get that out.
P.S: The title of this chapter was inspired by the song by Her's and listening to it really helped me put it together. Now onto the story! Enjoy!
Despite how panicked you feel inside, you tried to be as unassuming as possible in the doctor's office. It was hard to believe that you were sitting in yet another office's doctor so soon but it was the new reality you'd just have to get used to.
Unfortunately, even with you having prior knowledge of the upcoming ultrasound appointment, apparently that still wasn't enough time to prepare yourself.
Sitting in the lobby was just a significant reminder of your condition…of your pregnancy.
You didn't need to verbally express your anxiety, it was all in your posture and the way your shoulders remained pulled in tight. Aside from not being able to keep your legs from jumping, your jaw was starting to hurt from how tightly you were clenching it.
All you really have to do is retain a collected disposition outwardly so one would see how uneasy you actually are. But you're thoroughly convinced that John has already caught onto your perturbed behavior. Regardless of how hard you attempted to conceal your true emotions from him, it was all in vain. Especially since you'd long come to realize that just because the man wasn't currently focused on you didn't mean he wasn't paying attention to a single detail about your mannerisms.
Once you got tired of hanging your head and focusing on the dark fabric of your leggings, you allowed your nervous gaze to peruse over the doctor's office. Sadly, anxiety has been twisting your insides into knots for a while now.
A part of your brain still hadn't accepted it, at least that's what you suspected. Looking back, there had been so many indicators that you glossed over. Since finding out, you're constantly exhausted and spend your waking hours stressing heavily about it. But the truth of the matter was that you haven't been able to quiet your mind for some time now.
And on top of that, you've invested many hours scouring the internet for what you should do and how to prepare to have an ultrasound. It's not like you could think of anything else.
The hitman was calmly seated in the chair next to you, in companionable silence. He'd taken it upon himself to accompany you to the appointment given the importance of the scheduled visit. Aside from his usual cryptic mien, you've already started to see the subtle change in his character, in regards to your newly discovered condition. The man had started treating you even more gently than before as well as being quite patient and understanding regarding your delicate emotional state. In addition to that, the fatherly instinct towards his unborn child was also taken precedence.
All of the changes just seemed to be a bit much for you at the moment.
Moreover, there was the nerve-wracking matter of informing your family and friends.
You figured your friends would handle the news much better than your parents did so you resolved to tell them first. Since finding out, you haven't really been out of the house and so can't act like you haven't been avoiding them like a recluse. Between daily calls and texts, the pair could sense that something was going on with you no matter how normal you tried to appear. You kept the secret under wraps for as long as you could and it would only be a matter of time before the pair started threatening to randomly show up at John's house just to see you. And you knew they would so it was less of an assumption and more of a well-intentioned fact.
With that thought in mind, you decided to finally tell them. Even now, the conversation you had with them days ago replayed in your mind on a loop-
Three days prior…
For a while, you'd been in bed, finger hovering over the call button.
Hopefully, breaking the news over a Facetime call would minimize the amount of reaction she was sure she'd receive.
You called Alexis' phone at a time you were sure she'd be home and she had Jasmine around her. This was not the kind of news someone needed to divulge while the other was in public. Besides, you can't be certain that your friend won't embarrass herself and you.
"Yellowww."
"Hey, are you around Jasmine?"
"Yeah she's right here." She says before angling the phone towards Jasmine, who's munching on what looks to be a bag of kettle corn that you really like to eat.
"Hey girlie. We're thinking about hitting up that bar downtown later, you coming?"
"No, I can't. I've got a lot going on."
At this point, you see Jasmine lean more into frame. "Yeah I've been meaning to ask…what's up with you?"
"What you mean?"
"Don't act like you haven't been acting funny lately."
You can't exactly deny her accusation. There's been a multitude of conduct from you that could raise some eyebrows, from barely saying anything in the groupchat, to never taking them up on the offer to hangout.
You hadn't realized how triggering the question was until you felt that familiar lump in your throat just before you're close to crying.
"Y'all…okay um.." You begin, starting to rub your forehead hesitantly.
"I'm pregnant." You proclaimed, clearly unable to find another way to come and say it.
Just saying it still feels weird.
There an audible paused from the other end of the phone.
"Girl, stop lying."
"You're pregnant or you think you're pregnant?" Jasmine clarified, gesturing with her hand.
"Look Oprah…I'm pregnant as in, there's a literal baby inside me right now." You explained.
"I don't believe you. We had too many scares in our friend group already and not one of us has a single kid to show for it. Stop acting like we're not God's favorites."
"I can't be one of his favorites now if he let me get knocked up!" You remarked.
"I want receipts." Alexis says, folding her arms stubbornly. "Produce the receipts."
Left with little choice, you reached over and grabbed a small box containing the tests. It wasn't until you started flashing the many home pregnancy tests you took out of sheer disbelief did they truly start to take your admission seriously.
For several seconds, there was nothing but stunned silence from the other end of the phone.
"Are you for real?"
In a last ditch effort, you positioned the camera on a pillow where they see an angle of you from the top of your head to your waist. From there, you lift up the hoodie you're wearing to show the slightly prominent bump of your abdomen.
At that moment, wide eyes and slacked jaws is all you're able to make out before both women promptly begin screeching like banshees.
"There's no fucking way!" Alexis instantly jumped from her resting position on the couch. "If this is a prank you're the most evil person ever."
"It's not a prank."
Jasmine had yet to uncover her mouth with her hand. "I knew it! I had a sneaking suspicion and my gut didn't let up. All the food you eat and you're just now complaining about suddenly gaining weight out of the blue."
As anticipated, you're immediately bombarded with question after question.
"How the fuck did that happen?"
"What do you mean, how did it happen? Her man has been putting in that work! What I don't understand is how I've had more slip-ups than I can remember but somehow you got caught up before me?" Alexis remarks.
"I definitely had all my money on Alexis but you took the cake with this one sis!"
"Not even my biggest haters can keep me down. First thing I want to do is thank big lord who's the head of my life." Alexis gloated.
"Girl shut up. Did you cry when you found out?"
Hearing that, you promptly buried your face in your hands. "I've been crying almost everyday."
"Girl I won't lie, you messed me up with this one. Aren't you on birth control?"
"I am! Or I was!"
"What does that even mean? This is crazy, I can't even! Hold on, let me add Tre to the call!" Alexis says, grabbing up her phone and typing at the screen furiously.
It doesn't take long for your male friend to answer. "Whaddup hoes."
"Tre…you won't guess who's pregnant." Alexis happily voices.
"I know it better not be Jasmine!"
"Bitch don't even try it!" Jasmine admonished.
"Guess again." Alexi continued, a little too giddy.
"Wait, you're way too happy for it to be you so…wait a minute. I know it ain't who I think it is."
With that statement, you can actually see him sit up.
"Don't tell me 'Big Money J' finally caught you lacking." He humorously remarked to you with an incredulous look.
"Did!" Alexis confirmed before the pair started cackling loudly.
And although she was barely within frame, you weren't shocked when you saw Jasmine cover her mouth to stifle a laugh as well.
"What part about this is funny!?"
"Everything!" The trio answered simultaneously.
"Wait, I need a shot. Hold on." Alexis says, leaping out of the frame of the camera to do just that.
"Do you know when it happened?"
"Not really. The doctor told me she thinks I got pregnant around December or November and it makes sense."
Jasmine brought a hand to her forehead. "Bitch! I'm so confused, how are you almost three months pregnant?!"
"Yeah the math just isn't mathing for me." Alexis added.
"I mean…I'm probably around four months now." You commented.
"So all this time, you were pregnant? Even when y'all went on vacation?"
"Yeah." You nodded.
"So what are we doing? Are you going to make us fine aunties or what?"
You shrugged. "I don't know. I'm scheduled for an ultrasound in three days."
"You don't know? What about John? What does he think about all this" Jasmine enquired.
"Well he wants to keep it."
"And you don't?"
Truthfully, you didn't know how to answer the question without sounding indecisive or troubled by the response you provide.
"I don't know. All of this shit is just so sudden and I have so much going on as it is. I'm not sure what's the right thing to do."
"Truth is there is no right thing to do. You just do what you feel is best."
"Have you told your mom and dad?"
"No. I don't know what I'm going to tell them."
"Oh wow. You think they're going to skin you alive?" Jasmine asked.
"Yeah probably." You admitted.
At this point, you probably wouldn't stop the pair if they did.
"How long have you known?" Tre queried.
"About a week and a half."
"Why didn't you tell us?" Jasmine pressed.
You could hear the genuine concern in her voice and it made you feel even worse.
"I can't explain it, it's like I was still in denial or something. A part of me still doesn't believe it." You explained.
"Damn sis."
"Look, I know that this is a serious moment but I just want to put it out there that you owe us two hundred dollars each. We can talk about it later but I just want that to be known." Alexis added.
Some years back, the three of you made a bet that whomever got pregnant first owed the other two a generous sum of money. Clearly, that means you're the one who lost that bet so you do in fact owe them money.
"Lex…" Jasmine uttered.
"What? We made a bet. She lost. We're going to be buying pampers and pacifiers anyway, she might as well give us a head start." Alexis reasoned.
For the following three days, instead of doing what was ultimately in your best interests, you spent the time trying to hype yourself up to do what needed to be done and inform your parents. Each time you thought you had the courage, fear quickly overshadowed that confidence. You never imagined that it would be this hard.
Regrettably, instead of gaining a backbone and going over to inform your parents of your very pregnant condition, you did the exact opposite. And just like that the day of the ultrasound appointment creeped up on you.
In the midst of you internally debating whether or not you'd be able to go through with it when one of the nurses comes through the doors and calls your name. The both of you followed closely behind as she led you into a room on the left.
Obviously you were guided to this small room to await another person to conduct the procedure.
After settling on the exam bed, you're grateful that your waistband doesn't dig uncomfortably in your midsection like it would if you'd worn jeans.
Consequently, you noticed that your stomach was steadily growing and would soon begin protruding in an obvious manner. Even now, buttoning up a pair of pants was no longer possible without extreme discomfort. It was bad enough that it seemed like you'd be making the shift to maternity clothing sooner than expected.
Fortunately, John held your hand while he stood by your side reassuringly, essentially acting as your emotional counterweight. He's no doubt clued into your unease and tried to subtly soothe you. The fidgeting and rigid posturing was likely what gave it away.
While John appeared more or less neutral about the whole ordeal, you feel nervous enough to actually throw up. With something of this particular magnitude, you can't help but have complex feelings about it.
Regardless, this was actually happening - you were an expectant mother and the very concept of it was beyond frightening. All you know now is that you're terrified going into it. Unlike your lover seemed to be adjusting just fine to the idea of becoming a parent. For he surely wasn't as anxiety-ridden or stressed in any noticeable fashion.
In spite of the raging storm within your mind, you attempted to focus on one of the many pregnancy related posters on the wall until the door finally opened to reveal a female doctor you haven't seen before.
"Hello, how's everyone doing?" She greeted in a cheerful cadence. "My name is Doctor Eleanor Nguygen. I'll be conducting your scheduled ultrasound today."
You managed a small smile to the woman instead of openly conveying your nervousness.
"I trust everything is going well. It's already been quite a busy day, believe it or not you're my fifth patient for today." She revealed.
"Oh…really?" Was all you managed.
"Oh yes! Statistically, most women tend to conceive during the winter months of November or December so I typically conduct a lot of ultrasounds around this time of year."
While you quickly understood that she was only trying to make you feel more comfortable by providing topics of conversation, the tidbits of statistical information wasn't making you feel any more at ease than before she walked in.
You watched as the woman sat down on a rolling chair and began to put on a pair of gloves.
"Are you alright?" The woman politely asked when she saw the look on your face.
"Yes, I'm fine."
"Lots of new mothers experience anticipatory anxiety, it's very common." She said with a reassuring smile. "There's nothing to be nervous about." She remarked. "An ultrasound is a common medical procedure to monitor the health and development of your growing baby. You and dad have nothing to worry about." She happily assured.
"Alright let's get started." The woman gleefully started with a small clap. "First thing I'm going to do is dim the lights a little bit."
"Now, I just need you to lay back, lift up your shirt and relax."
You do exactly as she instructs, laying back on the exam bed and pushing your shirt up to reveal the expanse of your abdomen.
"Now just a heads up, the gel does produce a cold sensation along the skin."
You jump slightly as she begins to lightly slather the layer of wet gel over your lower stomach.
Turns out, the woman wasn't lying - the icy sensation the clear gel produces was terribly uncomfortable.
From there, she pressed the wand to the now recognizable bump, only applying a negligible amount of pressure to the area. She begins to move the wand around your belly and you have to assume that a grainy image of the inside of your body was being shown on the small screen.
"Are you alright?"
"I'm fine." You nod tightly.
"Have you noticed any significant bodily changes since finding out?"
"Not really. It's just that I have these weird food cravings sometimes." You spoke in a soft murmur.
It was true.
In what seemed to be a relatively short time, you've become quite fond of Chinese takeout. You just can't seem to get enough of lo mein even after eating ungodly amounts of it. Not only that, but you're sure that you're starting to develop an aversion to all the sweets you typically love.
Truthfully, that realization was more hurtful than finding out you were pregnant.
The doctor nodded in understanding. "Weird food combinations and cravings are totally normal things to experience around this point in the pregnancy. It's just one of many changes you'll experience throughout the second trimester. In fact, there's a new range of symptoms you'll start to notice. Typically, it can consist of food cravings, heartburn, and most notably an increased sex drive."
Your eyebrows rose high hearing that last part. Seeing as how sex put you in the current predicament, you don't even want to think about having sex for a long time.
As the doctor presumably centers the device on your womb, you just merely resign yourself to staring at the ceiling for the time being. Aside from the gentle whirling of the machine, the space is engulfed in a tense silence.
Instinctively, your gazes immediately shift upwards, having told yourself that you wouldn't look. You merely listened to the doctor's observations as she continued moving the transducer over your abdomen.
"Okay…let's find the baby." She says, moving the probe in various spots on your belly, producing visual images on the screen. "Where are you?"
"So there's the yolk sack…over here we have the gestation sack."
Tensing, you paused to listen more intently, still not wanting to glance over and look at what she was referring to.
"Oop I see something. And there baby is!"
Only after searching for a short time, did she find what she was looking for - the sound of the baby's heartbeat. The rapid reverberation was surprisingly steady and strong.
"Heart rate 1:41, very good."
Taking a few moments to register the sound, almost immediately an unrecognizable feeling began to take root inside of your chest. Though unrecognizable, the intense feeling hits you hard in the chest.
The feeling is alarmingly incomprehensible and you're almost disconcerted that you can no longer feel all the tension previously restraining your limbs. Frankly, you didn't know how to feel listening to the tiny rapid heartbeats on the monitor. The sound was undeniable proof of the creation of another life inside of you.
But still…you couldn't bring yourself to actually look.
As the woman continues showing the visual effects on the monitor, you take a second to glance towards your spouse, who's watching the screen with a peculiar softness in his gaze. To another the man may appear unaffected by the happenings around him but you knew him better than that.
"There's the head and here's the body structure."
"At approximately sixteen weeks, your baby is about the size of an avocado. Pretty soon, you'll start feeling the baby move around as well. At this stage, the baby can even hear its mother's voice." She excitedly explained. "Over the coming weeks, expect more growing developments from the baby, as the second trimester allows for many bodily changes."
You lay there in a stupor whilst being inundated with various new information about your changing body and growing baby.
"There's not a lot of movement, we might've caught the little one while they're sleeping. By the looks of it, the baby is snug and comfortable in there."
Just out of curiosity, you slowly turned your head and allowed your gaze just to the right. You audibly gasped as the screen was already towards you and you're subsequently rendered speechless at the sight. Suddenly, an acute tightening in your diaphragm started making it hard to breathe evenly.
On the small screen, you can make out the outline of a very heart beating through waves of black and white. Sure it wasn't the clearest image inside of your body but you can make out the most defining features. You can't believe you're looking at the inside of your body or that you're actually in the process of growing a child. From this very moment onward, you could no longer attempt to distance yourself from the reality of the situation.
"Oh my god. I can see its heart beating." You say.
"Yes, that's totally normal." The woman assured.
Everything around seemed to fall to the background and your eyes were beginning to fill with moisture. For a brief moment, all of your worries were banished. You easily pushed aside any bothersome thoughts and concerns in favor of what you were witnessing.
"Oh! They're just starting to move! So exciting!" The woman excitedly points out.
From there, you watch in awe as the tiny mass begins to shift and from there you can make out the bodily outline of your unborn child - you can clearly see a very tiny nose, a fist and head.
As a direct result of this, your partner's larger hand tightens around your own in response to your reaction. Although it wasn't verbally communicated, you simply took it as him trying to calm you as you glanced at the image with a fixed gaze.
Before you truly understand what's happening a single tear manages to slip past your defenses. You weren't quite ready for the flood of emotions to sweep over you the way it did. The assortment of emotions was difficult to pin down - you're feeling a multitude of things all at once. Confusion, wonderment, dare you say, overarching joy.
While you can't necessarily associate the flowing tears with sadness, the feeling that comes with them feels overwhelmingly pleasant. In fact, you're almost certain that you felt it before as it wasn't entirely unwelcome.
Either way, you hadn't expected to become so emotional. Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones making you feel a type of way.
The woman is quick to comfort you once it becomes apparent that you're overcome with emotions. "It's okay to cry mama."
Thoroughly embarrassed, you used the sleeves of your jacket to wipe away the tears along your cheek. Amidst all of this, your lip curls into some semblance of what should be a smile.
The woman spends an interval of time displaying more images of the baby until she eventually turns off the machine, signaling the end of the appointment.
Once the lights come back on, you slowly try to sit back up into a seated position, there's a minor struggle until John politely assists you with a hand to your lower back.
Afterwards, an eerie calmness settles over you and that worrisome inner voice that had been going on nonstop had gone completely silent.
"Here you are."
You stiffened as she handed you the newly printed images and you stared down at them with an unshakable admiration, not knowing what to make of them.
"While it's typically good to be productive, it's important to get lots of rest." She insightfully emphasizes. "Be sure to speak with the secretary to set up your next appointment in a couple weeks. The next time we meet, hopefully we'll find out what gender the baby is. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions and concerns."
"Of course." John placidly responds.
Once the appointment was done, your lover led you from the office by hand while you followed behind complacently. You remained quiet and subdued as the man carefully guided towards the parked mustang. After you're settled in the passenger seat and the male slides into the driver seat and the vehicle soon rumbles to life and before leaving the lot.
In the time between the walk from the office and now, you've just digested everything including your current emotional state. Your mind and body subsequently feel as though they're operating separately from one another.
No words spoken as the car maneuvers through the busy streets of the city. While your partner focuses on driving, your gaze remains downcast on the printed photos you were just provided.
Naturally, you assume that the two of you are on your way home until he eventually makes a turn onto a familiar corner where one of your favorite food spots is located.
Then he backs into a secluded parking space and leaves the car before you can question him.
He returns in less than ten minutes later with a bag of food - the smell of which you immediately recognize. By now, John had to have memorized your order and you know exactly what's in the bag just by smell alone. At this point, your heightened sense of smell is acting like a superpower you didn't expect to have.
Now, you understand that him choosing to park in such an isolated spot was so you both can indulge in your food in relative peace.
You felt a gentle hand being placed on the side of your face, stirring you from your reverie.
"What's wrong?"
Up until now, you'd been unnaturally quiet, head lowered enough for your chin to be in close proximity to your chest. It was another thing to see that sadness reflected in your eyes or along your features - it had to be written all over your features. He could read the expression on your face easily and you hadn't mastered the ability to hide it from him. Especially when he was an expert at masking any emotion he may feel.
"It's nothing." You say, ripping the plastic from your fork.
"Milaya…" You could suddenly feel his gaze more intensely on your person, almost like he knew you weren't being completely honest.
Before you knew it, a firm hand had taken hold of your chin and began lifting it towards him. Evidently, the lack of eye contact from you was obviously something he wouldn't abide by.
At some point, the vast majority of people eventually come to realize that life can be a constant upheaval and there's nothing anyone can do about it. You think you've reached this exact point in your life. He obviously knew that you hadn't been having the easiest time adapting to the situation despite him readily attempting to go above and beyond to help you feel somewhat receptive.
"Tell me what you feel at this moment." He replied tersely, his expression soft but indecipherable.
"What I feel?" You nibbled your bottom lip absently, mind faltering for a split second.
"Um…is there any part I should be elaborating on specifically?"
In spite of the initial reluctance to do so, it was time to be candid about your newfound feelings. You could no longer deal with the generalized worry every second of the day. While John had been readily coping with the change, it hadn't been easy for you. After all, someone had to be sane throughout everything.
"No. I only wish to know how you feel presently." He clarified.
While you're not exactly over the moon so to speak, deep down a part of you is keen at the prospect of such a unique experience taking place in your life. Obviously, you're pregnant but it's been incredibly hard for you to identify with that fact. Because of that, you had trouble fully accepting the change that came with it. You'll never forget the look in his eyes when he asked you to voluntarily be the mother of his child. It was rather apparent to him you were having trouble holding up your end of the agreement. You feared not being able to fulfill that desire and not only that did you feel a sense of foreboding given the circumstances that preceded it.
"I was scared going into the appointment but now I don't know how to feel."
He nodded once. "How do you think you should feel?"
Nervously, you kept your lips pressed together until a tightening of his brows forced you to part your lips again.
"Probably more happy or excited? I just feel like I'm in this gray area…like I don't know which emotion is best."
"You should feel however you wish to feel freely."
"Aren't you upset me with me?"
"What reason do I have to be upset?" He inquires with a lift of his brow. "Is your uncertainty what truly troubles you or is it something else?"
"I can't tell you…I don't want you to think less of me." You quietly elaborated.
Self-awareness demands honesty and sometimes being honest wasn't the easiest to do.
"Milaya, I've promised to give any and all you require of me. You need only ask and it is done. Thinking less of you is something I couldn't possibly fathom."
"Okay." You inhaled a deep breath and held it a brief moment before releasing it.
"I don't think my mind accepts me becoming a mother even though some part of me feels differently." You admit, looking directly into his solemn gaze. "I'm not like you. I can't always have control over my emotions and look like nothing bothers me because it does. I'm an emotional person."
"You can start by working on your response to things out of your control." He advises.
That considered, you largely understood the sentiment behind his words. More often than not, your mind was quick to veer off into another path rather than the one that seemed more logical.
Searching his own expression for the slightest hint of anger or disgust - there was none. He simply allows you to speak your peace without judgment.
"Not to mention, I'm really nervous." You worriedly replied, chewing absently on the fried rice.
"About?"
"I have to tell my parents and I'm really scared."
"Would you like me to accompany you?" He acquiesced.
"No, I can go alone." You say, taking note of his cool countenance whilst he spoke to you. "I don't know how my dad is going to react even though you both are technically on good terms. I don't want him trying to fight with you."
With your father and John being on relatively good terms, you don't know how the revelation of you getting pregnant would change the dynamic of their relationship which was civil at best.
"His reaction is of no concern to me."
"I know but it is to me. I can't have you both at each other's throats."
Clearly, these were agreeable terms to him and you took his silence as assent.
"How do you even put up with me?" You murmured.
"You make it sound like a burden."
"That's because it is."
His stance is resoundingly clear as he gazed impassively at you with those reassuring brown eyes. "I have never viewed you to be a burden in any circumstance."
Amid your ever-changing emotions, you at least found some comfort in your partner's calm demeanor.
After the appointment, you felt awfully drained of energy and the first thing you did when you made it back home was lay down for a quick nap before making the drive over to your parents house. When you awoke, you sent a text to your mother that you'd be coming over later.
Regardless of your apprehension, they would have to be told at some point. As a matter of fact, it's not like you can put it off any longer anyway - your abdomen had only just begun to protrude to the point of being noticeable in a fitting shirt. It wouldn't be long before you started to show more noticeably. Honestly, you'd rather tell them than have them find out on their own.
Admittedly, the notion of being forced to finally have a conversation with them about it was daunting. On the drive over, you thought of and extensively rehearsed what you'd say to them. Now as you sat outside their house, none of it was coming back to you.
There was no telling how they'd react to the news and you were honestly scared to find out. You dimly wondered what you'd ultimately say and hoped that they wouldn't have the reaction you fully expected them to.
Whether your parents be angry or accepting, you just need them to be understanding above all else.
Even with that in mind, it still didn't take away the edge of nervousness. Now, some part of you is wishing you'd brought along John to help you circumvent the trepidation surrounding the entire endeavor.
You tried to persuade your friends to accompany you on the venture but they quickly declined, saying they didn't want to get murdered by association. Clearly, they only wanted to be there in spirit. However, the pair did advise you to hit them up with the details of what happened if you're still alive that is.
After finally mustering up the courage, you took a moment to collect your thoughts before exiting the car and starting up to the house. Surprisingly, the front door was open so you stepped in quietly, noiselessly closing the door behind you. Walking in your parents house never felt so terrifying.
The smell of food cooking is the first to hit you as it was wafting in the air and noise from the kitchen alerted you that someone was there. The pleasant aroma seemingly emanating from the kitchen is satisfyingly familiar; it had your stomach lurching out of hunger.
If there was one thing you did perfectly, it showed up when food was being cooked.
When you rounded the counter the first thing you saw was your mother moving about with three steaming pots on the stove. Clearly, she was hard at work putting together a meal and she turned and jumped at the sight of you.
"Oh girl! You scared me! Don't be walking in this house and not saying nothing." She shouted, a heart on her chest.
"Well I told you I was coming over." You state as you slide onto one of the chairs at the kitchen island while the other continues washing her hands in the sink. "Where's daddy?"
"He's somewhere around here." She plainly voices after wiping her hands with paper towels and beginning to fix plates of food.
As she sat a generous slice of golden cake on a saucer plate next to your bigger plate of food, you could tell it was still warm the way the aroma was swirling in the air. Your nose wrinkled at the overly sweet smell from the dessert. It was a strange reaction to have considering that the dish happens to be one of your favorites.
As your hand came up to cover your nose, you pushed the small plate aside so the scent wouldn't be as strong.
Aside from the fact that your mother made a pound cake because she knew you loved it and it was one of your favorite desserts. Now, it pains you to acknowledge that you could hardly stand the smell of it.
Having caught your reaction, the older woman's brows drew down. "What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing." You say, trying to act like your heart wasn't racing a mile a minute behind your ribcage.
"You sure? I ain't never seen you turn down my cake."
"It's just the smell is a little strong." You warily replied.
"Out of all of the times I cooked it, you ain't never hated the smell of it before." She commented, as if she were personally offended - knowing your mother, she likely was offended.
"Hn." Was all she uttered before turning her attention back to her plate.
The sudden exchange caused a charged silence to fall between the both of you. You tried not to avert your gaze from the other woman's in order to preserve the lie. In fact, the longer your mother centered her unwavering gaze onto you, the more uncomfortable you became.
Without pretense, you pick up your utensil and begin quietly eating.
Whilst eating, you watched your mother start to prepare a third plate, a clear indicator that your father would soon be joining the both of you.
The silence was a reprieve, you can't afford for the discussion to start off wrong. In all likelihood, you probably should've initiated conversation so as not to raise further suspicion. At most, maintaining some small talk should help ease the tension.
During some intervals she would pause eating from the main plate to indulge in a piece of her cake. Truthfully, this shouldn't even be a problem but watching her use her fork to cut a piece of cake was inadvertently making you sick.
Crazily enough, you are quite certain it's a pregnancy thing and that you don't actually hate sweet foods. Sadly, this realization doesn't stop you from making a face and your mother immediately picks up on it.
"What?" You say, trying to figure out why the woman was staring at you like she was.
"Why are you looking like that?"
"Looking like what ma?" You counter.
"Like my food disgusts you."
"It doesn't disgust me…it's just the smells are making me a little sick. That's all." You answered, trying to pretend you weren't on the verge of vomiting.
Your mother raised a curious brow but seemingly accepted the explanation and went back to eating. But it appeared she was only biding her time as she finally uttered, "Is it my food making you sick or is it that baby making you sick?"
At that moment, you very nearly fell out of your chair. "Huh?"
The woman only shook her head, raising an accusing brow. "Mhhhh. I know already…I was just waiting on you to tell me." She said plainly, noting your quizzical countenance.
Bearing in mind that the woman had just caught you completely off guard, you couldn't even bother hiding the shock and disbelief on your features. On the other hand, she maintained a knowing smirk along features that greatly mirrored your own. The look on your face must be one hell of a laugh given her expression.
"I'm waiting."
Completely abandoning the pretense of uneasiness, you decided to get straight to the point with her. "How did you know?"
Sheer amusement sparked in the woman's gaze as she sat across from you.
"I've been pregnant before and I know a pregnant woman when I see one. Plus you've been coming over here eating me out of a house and home every chance you get and then falling asleep right after."
In your shock, your mind instantly went back to all the times where you did exactly what she accused you of.
Now looking back, you're now thoroughly convinced that she'd known well before you even had any inkling of your condition. Over twenty years later, you have yet to pull the wool over your mother's eyes and now wouldn't be the exception.
The woman hadn't completely freaked out on you like you expected and while you could be mistaken but it was almost as if she were okay with it. At the very least, it eased a great deal of pressure off you.
With that thought in mind, you slumped back into the chair. "You're not mad?"
"Why would I be mad? You grown. I'm just surprised because I thought you didn't want kids." Your mother nonchalantly voiced.
"I don't!"
"Mmhh but you sitting in front of me nauseous and full of baby."
"Ma…it was an accident."
"I bet it was…" She remarked with a sip of her drink.
"Yeah, this isn't making me feel better. I'd rather you'd be upset with me. As a matter of fact, you flat out told me not to bring home any babies until I finished school."
"Child, your grandma told me the same thing - I was pregnant with you the next year." She emphasized. "So no, you haven't but that doesn't mean you still won't."
Hearing that statement promptly caused your mouth to drop even lower than before. The way the woman was handling all of it was seriously throwing you for a loop.
"Sometimes things don't always happen when it's expected to. That's just a part of life. At least, I'll get a grandbaby out of it."
"What did the doctor say?"
Following a brief moment of composing yourself, did you provide her a valid response. "She basically said that I'm healthy and the baby is healthy too."
"You know how far along are you?"
"Sixteen weeks." You mumble.
The older woman swiftly balked at the admission. "Sixteen weeks?! Girl how the hell are you a whole four mouths and ain't told nobody?"
"Well I just found out two weeks ago! The doctor said she thinks I got pregnant around the end of October to the beginning of November."
The woman merely shook her head in response. "You know what you're having?"
"Not yet. I'll probably know by the next appointment."
"So you keeping it?"
"Yeah."
"Alright…have you and John talked about what y'all gone do?" She continued.
"He doesn't want me to work and he says I can still go to school."
"And is that what you want?"
No matter how much control you wished you had over the situation, it all hinged on his decisions and opinions and you would just have to accept that fact. If he thought you shouldn't work then it was probably in your best interest to work.
"Well…I don't want to not work but it's not like I have a job to go back to."
"Oh lord. This child of mine. How are you going to work, do school and be pregnant?" She questioned. "With everything that's been happening with you, that man knows you've been going through it. You think that man wants you doing anything stressful and you're carrying his child? No, he wants you as stress free as possible."
"Your father acted the same way when I was pregnant with you. He used to rip and run just to make me happy."
Like always, there's shining adoration in her gaze as she recounts those memories with your father. It was hard to miss.
"Would you rather John handle it in a different way than he's been handling it?"
An unsupportive spouse would be detrimental in many aspects and you can't afford any mental strain. You've gone through enough inner turmoil as it is.
"You have to look outside of yourself. I know you probably didn't intend for it to happen but sometimes that's life. I sure as hell didn't mean for it to happen to me."
"Ma!"
"Well I don't have a reason to lie. What y'all kids like to say - I was having a 'hot girl summer'. I wasn't worried about anything."
Listening to her, it wasn't hard to see how you ended up in the very same predicament. The two of you regularly did what most people do and obviously a child would result from it at some point. Now that seeking out other options concerning the pregnancy was out of the equation entirely because of your semi-retired, assassin baby daddy, you're scrambling trying just trying to accept the fact that you're going to be a full-fledged mother in a few months.
You can't say that you ever saw it happening, especially this soon if ever.
"I just don't know how to feel about everything." You revealed. "I mean everything is going to be different now."
"Yeah, having a child will change a lot. But your circumstances are a little different - you went and got pregnant by a well off man that I know ain't hurting for money. I wouldn't worry too much about it. From what I've seen, I know he's going to make sure your needs are met."
"I know but…it's not just that."
"What is it then?"
"Mom, I don't feel like I'm ready." You said quietly.
"Truth be told, I don't think anyone ever feels like they're ready for something like motherhood."
The last thing you anticipated was being validated in your ambivalent state of mind regarding your dubious choice to become a mother.
"Let me ask you something, are you just afraid of the baby or all the change that comes with it?"
Right away, you feel yourself tensing.
While the question was relatively simple, you found yourself struggling to provide an adequate answer. Internally, you're too afraid to admit but you're sure she hit the nail on the head - afraid to acknowledge the truth of how correct she was.
When you put everything into perspective, you'd undergone so many life changes within the timeframe of becoming acquainted with John
When you look inward and truly consider the source of your mental battle, it all comes down to perspective. Coupled with the fact you've actually gotten a glimpse of your unborn child and now you're having mixed emotions and questioning how you feel.
While your initial stance may have changed, you still don't feel mentally prepared for the emotional or physical journey of motherhood.
Just as you were coming out of emotional hardship, the knowledge of your new condition just about caused all of these crippling emotions to resurface. The past two weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions and you're tired of going through the stress Olympics.
Even after everything happened with the landlord, it was hard for you to pay attention to your body when you were in the throes of depression. In retrospect, it certainly didn't help that you got knocked up during a tumultuous period in your life and that's probably the reason why you're being intensely critical of yourself because of it.
The introduction of a child will undoubtedly bring about the biggest life alteration in your daily life. The only thing is that you had yet to look at it as a point of transition. Until recently, you weren't willing to open yourself up to any sort of concept.
In stark contrast to you, John was just a person who adjusted well in any situation and he'd even taken an active role in helping to alleviate the dysregulation you were caught up in, regularly assuaging your worries and concerns while you still had difficulty accepting the circumstance and embracing what it ultimately meant for the future.
"I know how hard-headed and stubborn you are - I raised you so listen." She urged. "How you feel now doesn't have any bearing on how you'll be as a mother. It's okay to have both negative and positive feelings about it but it's not okay for you to feel unsure about becoming a mother."
What she was saying couldn't be closer to the truth. Taking her words into account, you came to the conclusion that maybe you needed to try and reframe your perspective and do some self-reflecting and decide what it is you truly wanted.
"You know what I think…I think you made a crucial judgment before you were settled on what you truly wanted to do. And if that's the case, then it sounds like you don't trust in yourself. Nobody is going to condemn you because you're busy condemning yourself."
Never once had you taken a second to consider another perspective and not allow yourself to be overcome with irrational thoughts.
"You know when a couple is having a child, it's a trying time. That's why it's important for the two of you to be open and communicate with each other. It's entirely up to you to consider what's important."
"If having a child is not truly what you want to do then now is the time to do something about it. But if you have the mindset that is it…baby, just know that you're blessed with friends and family that will help and provide all the love and support you need. There's no need to torture yourself by acting like it's the end of the world."
In hindsight, you can't recall a single time your mother led you wrong regarding any situation and you just can't afford to feel anymore conflicted than you already were. When everything is said and done, you love your mother and as much as she gets on your nerves sometimes, you greatly value and appreciate her advice. While you're terribly afraid of navigating the unknown, at least you have people to guide you through it. In any event, having support made the transition less challenging.
The sound of paced footsteps coming down the stairs soon reached your ears and you felt your stomach instantly plummet. In reality, you knew that there was only one person those footfalls could belong to.
Just the thought of actually having to face your father and tell him sent a shrill of fear down your spine.
While your mother wasn't typically an overactive person, your father on the other hand was a different story. You can remember one instance where a man who owed your father money from a lost poker had suddenly passed away after successfully managing to dodge your father on multiple occasions.
Initially unbelieving, your patriarch suggested that his family should wake him up in order to repay the debt then let him lay back down. After hearing this, your mother, having gotten over the stomach cramps she received from laughing, explained to him that it was wrong of him to say.
He just couldn't believe a man had the audacity to die and still owe him money. After some time spent calling around, he discovered that the man in question did actually die and remained upset about it a few weeks afterwards.
With that realization in mind, you swiftly sought to compose yourself just as the man in question comes into view and notices you.
"Hey babygirl! What are you doing here?" He asked, heading straight to the fridge to no doubt retrieve a cold beer from the fridge, something he normally did before a meal.
"I just came from a doctor's appointment."
"Everything alright?"
"Yeah, just an important checkup."
Eyes wide with panic, you immediately dart your mother's eyes for help, who was still eating without a care in the world. When you cleared your throat to get her attention, you weren't surprised when she gave you a look with a roll of her neck.
"So how are you about to break the news to him because I'm not telling him." She whispers across the table to you.
In other words, she was plainly saying without saying that she wouldn't be responsible for giving your father a heart attack.
And the very last thing you want to do is give him an actual heart attack.
While you hoped that your mother would chime in at some point, it appeared that she was simply content with the notion of merely watching the scene play out. You accurately guessed that she'd already determined that interaction didn't need her interference.
"Hey daddy, I bet you didn't know I used to sneak sips of the wine you kept in the fridge, did you?"
"That was you doing that?" He asked, a confused look appearing on his features. "I knew I wasn't crazy. I ain't no way I was going through wine like that."
"I couldn't wait until I got older so I could be like the grown-ups and drink whenever I wanted. Funny thing is, I'm grown now but I can't even drink any wine now because I'm pregnant." You said with a nervous laugh.
He continued eating for a few moments and you and your mother shared a brief look at each other before looking back at the seemingly oblivious man who was only preoccupied with eating.
He probably got about four good chews of food in before he was able to process what you'd said. "Wait…what did you say?" He asked.
Instead of verbally responding to the question, you simply procured the sonogram pictures from your hoodie and sheepishly slid the images across the table towards the couple.
"What's this? He asks, squinted at the paper before he was ultimately forced to put on his glasses to see better. It was only after a few seconds of examining it, did he truly realize what he was looking at.
At that moment, your father, who had barely been listening, suddenly regarded you and your mother with wide eyes and a confused look.
"Don't look at me!" She shouted.
Your father was obviously stunned just looking at the small piece of paper containing the sonar image of a fetus. Judging from the look on his face, you know you hit him right in the chest with this one.
If it wasn't obvious already, he was now fully invested in the conversation.
Your mother with a warm smile, leaned over to look at the printed images. "Yep, that's a baby alright."
Along with your admission, the statement clearly took him by surprise.
Worse still, your father had yet to pick his jaw up from the floor. He would look at you then back to the sonogram then right back at you. He probably repeated this pattern a total of four times, as though he wasn't comprehending what was in front of him.
Based on his reaction, it seemed that you would have to be the one to break the stiff silence.
"Babygirl…you really pregnant? How did that happen?" He stammered through sheer shock.
He's obviously uncomfortable with the thought that you could be sexually active not to mention sexually active to the point of becoming pregnant.
You didn't miss the way your mother rolled her eyes and just took the photos from his hand for a better examination.
"Yes." You uttered abashedly. "Please don't be mad."
The longer you stared into his eyes, you can easily see a quiet storm brewing in gaze just waiting to be released in its full capacity.
"Daddy, I know how serious this is."
In this case, by serious you mean - 'I know I've dropped a bomb on you the size of Canada but I need you to be okay with it.'
The obvious answer would be that you had lots sex but clearly you weren't going to tell him that.
"I've done a lot of serious thinking about it. Me and John have been together for a while now and we're slowly building a life, even though it's still coming together. We've decided that this baby won't change that."
"So you're having it?"
"Oh Jesus." He said, placing a hand over his chest.
"Stop being dramatic." Your mother tells him.
"I'm not being dramatic enough." He insisted before turning to you. "Where is he? He needs to come see me."
"Why?"
"We just need to have a manly discussion, that's all."
"Daddy please don't. That's why I told him not to come because I knew how you'd react." You exasperatedly explained. "I want y'all to get along. Plus you said you thought he was a good man."
"Ain't no man ever gonna be good enough in my eyes to be putting a baby in you." He clarified.
"Hell I only met the man three times before this."
"I told him to take care of you, not put a baby in you." He stated, wiping at his mouth with a napkin.
By the looks of it, you might've ruined his appetite.
"He's been taking care of her alright." Your mother lowly commented behind the hand that held her fork.
He then shot your mother a look while she deliberately looked away.
Shaking his head, the man rubbed a hand over his face. "I need a drink."
"Didn't you just get a beer out of the fridge." Your mother pointed out.
"No, I need something stronger than that." He remarked, getting up from the table and ambling towards the liquor cabinet.
As the patriarch left the table you visibly deflated, slightly disappointed but completely unconvinced by his reaction.
Some part of him had to know how fragile you felt regarding the situation and how you'd obviously look to him and your mother for their support and perspective.
Besides, you're never above bursting into tears in front of your father if it meant he wouldn't blow up and go on a rant that inadvertently hurt your feelings. Such a visceral reaction from him would surely ruin any progress you made to truly accept the idea of becoming a mother.
"I know this isn't what you wanted for me…I know you're disappointed in me."
"No, I'll never be disappointed in you. Not unless you suddenly decide to become a Steelers fan."
The honest statement made you laugh knowing how dead serious he was being. There was no one who would took sports more seriously than him.
A beat of silence passed before either of you spoke again. Your father whose facial expression was initially stern, had begun to regard you with a gentler countenance.
"Are you sure about this?"
In actuality, it was a valid question that he posed. You can assume that based on his thought process, he probably couldn't picture you with a child of your own. A child meant you had to actually be an adult on a vastly different level than you currently were and just as your mother indicated, that wasn't something you could be unsure about.
"Yes." You nod, confidently.
"Well, there's nothing I can say then. If you made up your mind that this is what you want then I'll accept that?"
Hearing the man say this took you by surprise. "W-what?" You stammered.
You wish you could act surprised when he provided the stereotypical black parent response. "Now you know what to expect right? Your allowance…gone." He stated.
"Daddy I don't get an allowance."
"Shhh…no, don't interrupt. You're going to finish school. Christmas…over with. Prom is gone. You sat up and made that baby and you're going to take care of it." He continued while you and your mother just looked at him like he had two heads.
"Um…daddy you do know I'm in college right? I went to prom like five years ago. Do you even know how old I am?"
"Chile don't ask him anymore questions." Your mother urged.
Wordlessly, the man stood and walked over to you. You found yourself tensing up until the man surprised you by pulling you into a tight hug.
"As your father, I trust you and I'll support you no matter what. I just need you to do me one favor."
"What's that?"
"Next time John comes over, tell him to bring some boxing gloves."
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