A/N:
thank you to Yoshi my beta-reader for being there to bounce ideas off with and for being so speedy!
the most gorgeous art for this was made by Hehei and Shineriot!
and big thanks to everyone who came together to make this event a success!
in the silence
an ichiruki fanfic
It's early morning and the sun sits low in the sky. It rises slowly, pale pink fingers crawling across the clouds.
The cool spring air nips at his fingertips and nose. His long dark robes flutter around as he moves through the tall and pale grasses.
Things have settled down in the Soul Society. And by that, Ichigo means that no one's tried to kill him in several days. It's nice not having to fear for his or his friend's lives. Good change of pace.
Excitement buzzes through his entire body.
The world is bright and full of life. Or whatever.
Rukia is alive and she's safe.
With her return to him, the rain has stopped. The world spins once more on its axis.
Now a pale sun shines over the city in his soul. Zangetsu likes the change even more than Ichigo does.
Ichigo is ready to go home. So much has happened here in the Soul Society but he remains just Ichigo. He misses home more than he'd thought he would. It's strange because he doesn't recall ever feeling this way before.
He strides through the field, trying to calm his breathing. His pulse beats erratically in his throat. He swallows thickly. His nerves are unfounded.
Home.
He wants to go home.
Tomorrow they leave.
He's following the bright red Reiraku spirit threads. They stretch far out in front of him. They glow in the morning light leading him to his heart's greatest desire.
It's an embarrassing sentiment but he finds he doesn't care.
The threads lead him to Rukia.
She stands outside of Kūkaku's current residence.
It's a squat building with the usual gaudy decorations.
Rukia and the two Shiba siblings look deep in conversation. He can't hear them from this distance.
Ichigo calls out to Rukia. "Looks like we're done here."
She startles, spinning around to see him. Her surprise softens and she relaxes and walks to meet him.
With Rukia spared from her execution, he has nothing left to do on this side of the dead. Aizen and his allies may be at large but that isn't Ichigo's problem. He has nothing to do with the Soul Society's drama. All he cares about is Rukia.
She frowns at him.
Ichigo steps closer. "They're going to open the gates to the world of the living tomorrow. We gotta get going."
He nods in acknowledgment at Ganju and his sister.
Ganju scowls in answer.
Rukia begins to step forward, but she stops. "There's something I have to tell you." She says. Then she pauses, thinking over her words. "I've decided to stay here."
His stomach plummets down to his feet.
No—what?
Wait—this isn't how the conversation is supposed to go. There is no other option but for her to return with him. He stands frozen, mouth open. He isn't prepared for this.
He blinks in confusion but quickly hides his feelings with a typical look of disinterest. "That's good. I mean, if that's what you want. If you really want to stay here, then you should stay."
She narrows her eyes as if she expected him to put up more of a fight. Ichigo shrugs, the smile on his face stretches tight. The skin aches with the force.
Wind whips the pale grasses around them.
They face each other in silence.
Then a pained smile of her own replaces the frown.
"Good." She says.
"Good." He replies.
He leaves her there, trudging back through the long grass by himself.
.
And the sky is blue blue blue. So very blue. And the wind is cold. And the clouds drift on by.
It doesn't take long for her forced smile to fade away.
.
Ichigo returns home with his three friends. Everything returns to normal. At least, it returns to the new normal.
Summer ends with one final roar of heat. A muggy autumn follows. The green trees fade to yellow, turn bright orange and red, and finally grow brown and wrinkled. The cicadas scream all throughout the day and night.
Ichigo, Tatsuki, Chad, and their friends celebrate Orihime's 16th birthday at a local theme park. Afterward, she insists they stay out for karaoke. Ichigo isn't in the mood but Keigo and Mizuiro drag him along anyway.
The music is loud. The only person who can sing is Tatsuki, surprisingly enough. She favors rock. No surprise there.
Orihime pulls Ichigo up and gets him to sing a chorus or two. After a couple songs, he politely declines a duet and sits back down to watch the chaos.
They return late.
He's forced to endure a shouted lecture on punctuality.
Winter comes and so does a respite from the humid weather.
Orihime's longing looks follow him everywhere he goes. For the most part, he ignores her. But, the intensity grates on his nerves. Hat and Clogs keeps he, Chad, and Orihime stocked with Hollow fighting gear.
By January he begins to really fidget—not worry. He doesn't do the whole worrying thing.
Rukia's birthday comes and goes without even a possessed dream. No letters. No word at all.
He knows that in the Soul Society they don't celebrate birthdays but he'd marked it on his calendar all those months ago when the topic came up.
The day of, Orihime suggests they light candles. That feels far too much like a seance.
"She's not dead." Ichigo protests.
"I mean, she kinda is." Chad points out helpfully.
Only it isn't helpful.
Spring rushes by in a blur. He is almost too busy with exams and acting as Deputy Soul Reaper to think about Rukia. It's a cold spring. Frost kills the flowers that poke their buds up through the frozen earth. The Kurosaki residence loses power several times to the heavy ice hanging along all of the power lines.
'Daddy' Kurosaki is far too invested in huddling together for warmth which results in several bloody noses.
Summer arrives again.
He's been too consumed with exams and his Reaper duties to hang out much with his friends. It's good to reconnect as the months swelter by.
One afternoon he and Tatsuki lounge by the poolside. His father tasked him with watching Yuza swim. It's dumb because she isn't a baby and will be fine by herself. He obeys because he has nothing better to do with his morning.
Tatsuki brings up the previous summer. It's casual but he senses there's a hidden angle. Sure. There's been a change to their friend dynamics. Sure, he and Orihime spend a lot more time together.
But it isn't like they're dating. It's just—he can't very well explain the real reason.
Oh. Ichigo knows what this is really about. Tatsuki is jealous. He says as much.
"Don't be stupid Kurosaki." She flicks him across the forehead. "The three of you have a secret, but you won't tell the rest of us what it is. I'm not jealous."
"Uh huh. Sure. You're just curious. Been lonely?" He leans away to rest his arms against the hot brick wall.
"She likes you!" Tatsuki growls in frustration.
"I know!" He scowls. "But you like her so get off my ass."
Tatsuki crosses her arms and glares. "Big deal."
He snorts, closing his eyes against the bright sun.
"You're missing my point. What changed? What makes your little trio so special that you've stopped caring about the rest of us?"
He pauses. Her words bring him up short.
What has changed? He's been so out of it for months. There isn't an excuse for ignoring his friends.
"Hey. You're right, and I'm sorry." He scowls. "I haven't really been around."
She itches her shoulder and looks away—suddenly embarrassed. "Thanks. I guess."
The sun beats down and they sit in mostly silence as Yuza and some random neighbor kids splash and yell.
As he walks home that evening, he promises himself he'll do better.
.
She dreams of him ablaze against the night sky. Red with blood and fire. And she wakes from fitful sleep. These nights she lies awake gazing at the moon. It hovers above her, pale and wide like a bloom in the black sky.
She watches the passage of waning and rebirth but never feels peace.
.
The swish and scrape of his toothbrush goes shssshshhshshhshshh.
Brush. Brush. Brush. Monotony.
Hard bristles and foaming paste.
Mint.
Brush. Brush. Brush.
He leans over the sink, spitting.
Rinses with a mouthful of tap water.
His toothbrush clinks against the glass cup.
Nothing is the same anymore. He likes Chad and Orihime perfectly fine but they aren't—they don't replace—it just isn't the same. He's found that with her absence, his feelings of home have disappeared. He wishes he could return to the Soul Society. Even if it were just for a day.
He hates it here in the land of the living.
All the same, he's been making a real effort with Keigo and Mizuiro. Today the three of them are going into town. He can't say he's excited. That would be a lie. He doesn't care about much these days.
There is a new video game or something on sale and blah. Blah. Blah.
'You haven't been around. I never see you. When I do see you all you do is mope'
He grabs a graphic T-shirt from the floor. It's rumpled and wrinkled but after a preliminary sniff, he confirms that it's clean. He shrugs it on and goes searching for jeans..
Tatsuki can't make it. She and Orihime are out of town on holiday. Or something.
Keigo and Mizuira show up around 10:00am and drag him away for a hectic afternoon. He's hoping they manage to distract him but he has low hopes.
It's quiet out and the sun beams down in hazy rays. The air is thick with floral perfume and the buzz of insects. Summer is in full bloom. So are the flowers.
He is dead. Or, about as close to it on the inside as he can be on this side of the living. The rain inside his chest is frosty. The city in his soul that knows neither day nor night is gray with a half-light. Zangetsu has been nearly silent himself.
He doesn't know what to do about his perpetual gloom. There doesn't seem to be anything he can do. Rain or shine he feels the same. Thunder or snow. The world is passing him by and he feels frozen in time.
.
Battles wage and souls die. Her world is a blur of destruction. All she can see is carnage. She stands alone on a great grassy hill. Wind whips by her sending her black robes flying in the gust. The cold seeps into her skin but it does little to break her from her reverie. The empty battlefield might as well be a graveyard.
.
Ichigo hasn't been paying his kid sisters much attention recently either.
One morning he and Karin sit at the kitchen table. Neither can face the other. She still pretends that she can't see ghosts. He is a Soul Reaper. There isn't an in-between for them.
"You been good?" She mumbles.
He clenches his hand into a fist, knuckles white with the strain, but his face gives nothing away. "I'm alright. How are you holding up kid?"
Karin crosses her arms, disapproving. She shrugs and her shoulders sag. She looks away from him. "Eh."
"Nothings the same anymore, you know?" He says.
"Yeah. I do know." She examines her nails, picking at the edges. She's chewed them down to nubs like usual and only the pink skin underneath is left. "Too many things are different."
"Yeah." He leans back pushing his bowl away and setting his chopsticks down. He closes his eyes. He feels small and ineffective.
This is the best they can do. He and his little sister have never been one for words or even emotions. The two of them hold things in. Today isn't going to be the exception.
He's right.
They pass the rest of the meal in silence.
.
Occasionally someone will mention him and his past deeds. It's always in passing, always offhandedly. How she longs for a glimpse of him even now. Her brother notices but refrains from comment. He is as distant as the sky. She can't hide her melancholy.
.
Today is the last day of classes. Ichigo sits slumped at his desk, carving deep indents in the wood with a pocket knife. He stares off not seeing anything.
Tatsuki stomps a foot down on his desk, arms crossed and resting on her knee. "Alright, spit it out. What's wrong with you? You're more sullen than usual and that's impressive. Orihime says you won't talk to her."
Ichigo vaguely recalls walking past Orihime that morning in the hall. If she greeted him, it hadn't registered.
There Orihime is, peeking timidly from under her long bangs. Their eyes meet and she glances away quickly.
Ichigo glowers at Tatsuki. "You're running errands now? What is she, your queen?"
"You're in a bad mood. I get it." She shrugs, nonchalant. Then, she grabs a fistful of his collar in warning. "But be careful because I'll kick your skull in if you take it out on Orihime."
He slaps her hand away. "Watch it! I'm not in the mood."
"No. There's something wrong with you Ichigo." She dusts herself off and leaves him without another glance.
Fall arrives a second time without Rukia.
Winter replaces it.
Spring follows.
The months blur together and the days pass without leaving even a fleeting impression.
The rain returns with the summer.
.
She finds that time fails to erase him.
.
Ichigo wakes one morning in late July with a chill realization.
Rukia has been gone for two years. He rolls over to check the clock. Bright green numbers glow up at him through the gloom. It's 5:30am. His mind clears and it occurs to him that today of all days is his 18th birthday.
July 15th.
He is numb to even that.
At breakfast, Yuzu plays a voicemail from Keigo.
"Soo so sooooo Ichigo, plans? 18th birthday and all that~! We're getting drunk babbby~!"
"He's going to be 18, not 20 you idiot!" A voice interrupts.
There is a crash through the receiver and more of Keigo and his sister yelling. Then the noise clicks out.
His friends stay true to form and drag him out that night.
They all get together and drive out to the nearest town over. It's bigger than Karakura. Orihime has managed to bring Uryū along. He doesn't want to know what blackmail she and Tatsuki used. He isn't thrilled to celebrate but it's probably for the best. Being cooped up can't be good for his mood.
It's been blacker than usual recently.
As he and his friends walk through the crushing crowds, his mind zones out. His heartbeat thumps away in his veins with the pulsing of his blood. He finds that the rhythm is too slow. It's lethargic.
Nothing matters and… that's pathetic.
As they walk and talk, he tries to pay attention to the words. It all moves through one ear and out the other. He just. Doesn't. Care. And Ichigo hates it.
He hates hates hates this.
Why does he care that she's gone? How can one small woman have left a hole the size of his heart? What is she even doing in the Soul Society?
He wonders what her days look like. He wonders, too, if she thinks of him.
Through the crowd, he thinks he sees a familiar face. Can it be? No. That's impossible.
Rukia?
The woman is pale in the growing evening and dressed head to toe in her black Shinigami robes. She guards her zanpankuto at her side with a careful hand.
He freezes
It can't be anyone else.
She steps lightly through the crowds. His feet carry him past the people as he follows after her in a daze.
In the flesh! Rukia—in the spirit?
He starts to push and shove, calling her name out in a panic. "Rukia! Rukia!"
Far in the crowd she turns in confusion. Yes. Yes it is her! He'd know that face anywhere.
He runs.
She catches sight of him and steps back in surprise. Ichigo reaches her and bends over, out of breath.
"Ichigo?"
He sucks in air and looks up at her.
She is unchanged. Her dark hair falls into her dark eyes and her small mouth quirks in disbelief.
As if in a dream, he straightens up.
He reaches out and touches her face. Flesh. Warm skin. His knuckles brush along her smooth cheek.
"Ichigo! What are you doing?" She catches his hand, drawing it away from her face. "What are you doing?" She repeats.
He pulls her into a crushing hug.
She lets out a startled gasp of air. It tickles along his throat and the sensation rolls all the way down his spine. He realizes his arms are shaking. He is shaking.
The whole world has crashed to a standstill and here he is at the center of it. Spinning. Spinning .
Rukia is pushing his arms away. "What are you doing here?" She asks.
"Uh, well, it's my birthday." He says, as if that answers it. He swallows the dryness away but doesn't let go of her.
Her hands are so gentle as she takes hold of his face. "I missed you."
The words rip through his chest like a knife.
He has to swallow again.
She presses a chaste kiss right in the corner of his lips. Her mouth is warm, soft, a whisper of a t
ouch. Then, she draws back. Her eyes hold a gentle light in them. "Thank you Ichigo. Whatever happens in the future, thank you. I never got to thank you for saving me."
"Shut up!" He grabs her by the shoulders and pulls her into his body.
Rukia yelps in surprise.
"Shut up! Don't say stuff like that! Don't tie things up with little neat ribbons! Don't you dare fucking leave me! Where have you been!" He's yelling.
His arms wrap around her, crushing her to his chest with all his strength. She clutches at his shirt for balance.
"Why do you think I saved you! Why do you think I went through all that trouble! It wasn't so you'd leave me afterward when everything was safe again!"
His shirt is wet.
She is crying.
Silent tears soak his t-shirt.
He crashes his lips into hers, pressing her back into the brick wall in the darkness. The stone is rough on his open palms. Rukia holds his face in her trembling hands. No longer gentle or sweet, her kiss is as ragged as the air in his lungs.
Rukia is so small—almost fragile under his dwarfing hands.
He can't get enough of her as his lips press searing kisses to her mouth, moving downward, sucking bruises into her jaw.
She keens a cry of grief and bliss.
"Don't leave me. Please." His mouth is on her neck.
She arches into him, her body pressing into his.
Rukia pulls his face to look at her. "There are too many things you don't understand—things you can't understand. I had to stay away. This world and the Soul Society cannot meld. We can't—"
He is kissing her jaw again. Working his way to her soft lips. She can't continue as he claims her mouth.
If he can just silence her voice, maybe he can banish her thoughts of leaving him again.
"Then tell me." He scowls deeply. "Make me understand why you have to abandon me like nothing happened."
"I can't." She slumps in his arms, totally defeated. "I can't. That's the whole point."
"Is Aizen causing trouble?"
She pulls away from him.
Ichigo lets her.
Rukia's fingers and gaze linger but she steps back, back, back into the open courtyard.
She takes a deep breath in, puffing her chest up. "Don't you fret your pretty little head about that. About any of it. As a Deputy Soul Reaper these things are not your concern. Karakura Town is all you need to worry about."
She straightens her robes, rubs gingerly at the red marks on her skin.
She turns to leave him just like that.
Just like he means nothing to her.
Just as if their kiss didn't steal her breath away.
With her back facing him, Rukia dares to whisper: "I'm afraid I don't have more to say Ichigo. Forget about me. It's easier that way—for both of us."
Without her he can't sleep and he can't eat. His world is empty—even emptier than before.
His longing for her has consumed him. It's a hollow longing. A well deep ache. It's the kind of longing that is incomplete and imperfect.
And yet it is perfectly and completely consuming.
She can't abandon him to that living hell again.
Before Rukia can hurry off into the evening gloom, he catches her wrist.
"Ichigo, I told you to leave me alone. Why must you always be so stubborn!"
He stands straighter, bolder, and crosses his arms tightly across his chest. "I don't care."
"Ichigo—"
"No excuses."
"Ichigo—I can't ." There is genuine pain in her voice. It carves deep lines in her face. "You don't understand. I want to keep you safe! Why can't you be reasonable? My world is too dangerous for you."
"I've already proven to you I'm strong enough! I've never lost! I've defeated every foe."
Both of them are breathing heavily from yelling.
"Idiot! Just come back to me. You know nothing has been the same since you left."
She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. "What do you expect me to do Ichigo? I am tethered to the land of the dead. You're still living flesh and blood."
"You want me back."
"Of course I do. I—The sun rises and the moon sets. Nothing changes."
"Then I'll risk it."
"What can you do?" She smiles a sad smile. "You're mortal."
"There's nothing stopping me from returning with you."
The stiffness in her shoulders melts away. "You would leave all of this?" She gestures around in the darkness. Her palm slips along his chest to rest over his heart hammering away. "You would give up everything?"
"Who says I have to?" He grips her hand, pulling her close.
She meets his eyes, questioning him.
"Ichigo! Ichigo!"
The sound startles them apart.
Orihime arrives breathless. Her long hair has fallen from its ponytail and her face is flushed from running.
She bends over to catch her breath. "Me and Chad felt a strong spiritual presence! We didn't know where you'd gone."
Chad arrives next. He looks less alarmed and more confused. "Rukia?" He asks.
Orihime starts. She looks up first at Chad and then at Ichigo and finally, her gaze lands on Rukia. A little o escapes her lips.
She straightens up. She looks torn between hugging Rukia and running back the way she came.
Rukia bows deeply. "Hello."
Ichigo thumps her on the head. "Hey! No need to be so formal. You know them."
She glares at him, rubbing at her scalp. "It's rude to hit people."
"It's rude to pretend like you don't know someone."
"I did no such thing!"
"Guys, uh—" Chad starts.
Orihime interrupts him. "Rukia, are you hurt?" She gestures to the red marks adorning Rukia's neck. The concern is short lived. She's backpedaling quickly, her face flushed with embarrassment and something that looks dangerously close to jealousy. "I mean. Oh, uh, nevermind. Did you say something Chad?"
He grunts a no. She elbows him in the ribs.
"Did you find him?"
Tatsuki and Mizuiro jog over.
Mizuiro is out of breath like Orihime but Tatsuki is unfazed. She steps to Ichigo and punches him in the shoulder.
"What was that for!" He snaps.
"You left us all hanging man. Where'd you go anyway?" She glances around the empty alley looking for an explanation. Nothing catches her eye.
He looks at Rukia.
She taps her foot impatiently. "I have to leave Ichigo. I can't stay here all night."
"Just give me a second."
Tatsuki rolls her eyes, assuming the words are for her.
That's when it occurs to him she can't see Rukia.
Keigo and Uryu are next to arrive.
"Aww, where are the babes at?" Keigo asks loudly.
Ichigo and Tatsuki exchange an eyeroll.
"They saw you coming and cleared out." She says.
He and Tatsuki begin to argue. Ichigo would join in but he's distracted by the feel of Rukia's hand on his arm. He glances down at her.
She's biting her lip, worrying it between her teeth. His throat is suddenly dry. He wants to kiss her again. He needs to.
Summoning all of his self control, Ichigo grips her hand and squeezes in reassurance. She looks up at him and in that second he knows.
He can't be parted from her.
Not ever again.
To do so would be death itself.
Tatsuki and Keigo are yelling. Mizuiro keeps trying to break into the bickering without success. Uryu acts as commentator. Orihime is fretting. Chad looks lost.
Ichigo is oblivious to it all.
The only thing that registers is the small hand on his arm.
The touch blazes through every single one of his senses.
He's lost.
His friends begin to disburse in pairs. Tatsuki and Orihime. Chad and Uryu. Keigo and Mizuiro.
He doesn't notice them go.
They don't drag him along.
He and Rukia stand side by side in the dark.
"We're going in circles." Her cool hand still rests on his forearm. All her impatience has melted away. In its place is simple fatigue.
"You being gone, Rukia, it feels like dying."
He stuffs his hands into his pockets and looks away. His pride is too bartered to keep this up.
"I know it does." Her small hand soothes circles into his skin.
She wraps her arms around his neck, drawing him down to her level, and buries her chin in the dip of his shoulder. Her breath is warm against his skin.
He pulls her in. This time his arms around her waist are gentle. His heart has slowed down and his breath is even. He drinks in the feel of her—completely still yet alive.
She is spirit. That much is clear from his friend's reactions. Tatsuki and the others couldn't see her. Somehow Ichigo can hold her. He doesn't need explanations. All he needs is this moment to last all of eternity.
The muggy summer air is interrupted by an occasional whisper of breeze. The late night sounds of traffic and pedestrian bustle buzz just out of reach. Beyond the brick wall is a whole world brimming with life.
None of that matters. Only Rukia holding him does. Without her the world is empty. He can't be distracted by anything so trivial as reality.
Ichigo returns to the Soul Society. And he returns home again. All that changes is Rukia by his side. The details in between are inconsequential.
A/N:
this took me a very long time to write even though the premise is so simple. I wanted to portray his depression in a realistic and genuine way. I really enjoyed writing Ichigo and Rukia reuniting. it was so therapeutic. so soothing!
thank you for reading man