Ough agh schedule slip. Cherished readers, hope you can enjoy the end of this mini-arc! I wish they could've talked things out in more detail...but Kanda would kill himself before being really honest about his feelings.
In fact.
Canonically.
He pretty much did!
Instead of sweeping past him like before, Kanda fell into place at his side.
"What the hell were you thinking?"
Daisya waved a hand at him, flashing his wrist out from under the coat sleeve. "You know. Shut up already, you sound like my mom."
"Tch."
"I don't get why you care so much. It's not like I'm going out and hunting people in the streets."
"You did," Kanda growled.
Daisya smacked him hard over the shoulder. It wasn't like he could even think about cuffing the back of his head.
"Yeah, I was looking for you. What's your problem?" He snapped back. "Geez. I thought you'd stopped treating me like that."
"I don't—" Was that a rare moment of uncertainty? Kanda usually stuck to his guns no matter how wrong they were.
"You don't what? You don't approve? You don't see why I had to think fast when I had half a dozen murderers thinking I was going to get them in trouble?"
The next fence drew down to a frosted-over turnstile stuck out across their way, so Daisya vaulted it. He tried to, at least. The hand he planted down on the waist-high wood was solid, but his side cramped hard the minute he tensed, and then while he was trying to get a move on, he kicked off of a slippery patch of grass that sent his boot flying. He ended up almost flat on his back before he knew it.
Almost, not quite, because Kanda somehow caught him in his hands before his own head thumped on the frozen ground. He was pillowed on his knees now, which might actually have been harder.
"Help me get up," he ordered. "I'm tired"
Kanda watched him uselessly.
"Because, you know, running all night?" he filled in.
"That's not my fault."
Seriously?
Daisya folded his knees back in and hopped to standing, no thanks to that streak of nothing. He brushed the dirt off of his back and tried to ignore the aches as Kanda followed like a fox.
One step up and over the turnstile, then across another field. Same as the old one. He half-strolled, half-shuffled down the icy hillside while the sun carried out its own descent. The way the rays spread out underneath the cover, it looked almost like the way an angel could. Big, light thing that you couldn't see properly.
"Tough," he spat. "You were dumb enough to get jumped. Don't do it again and I won't have to clean up after you."
"That was you."
"You think that was a choice?"
"I don't die. You shouldn't have come looking," said Kanda. He stayed infuriatingly behind his shoulder. What, did he think he was going to trip again? All it did was give Daisya an ache in the neck as he tried to glare at him.
"Hello, if I hadn't, Mugen would be God-knows-where."
"And you wouldn't murder anyone."
Flipping around, Daisya just decided to walk backwards from here on. There were patches of bare ground between the ice patches on the way and besides, maybe if he knocked himself out tripping over them, he'd at least get to sleep.
"Really? I've already killed a lot of someones," he pushed.
"Akuma don't count," said Kanda.
"I'm saying they do. It's not different. I don't feel—" he realized that he hadn't thought about it this way. "—Different."
"Huh," said Kanda.
Daisya considered as they came to another bend in the road. Did he feel different, knowing there was meat under that pile of bricks instead of dust? No. At least, he couldn't make out anything under the mass of different feelings he had about other things. If he got sad every time one of the Finders died, he wouldn't have made it this long without getting all depressed like Marie. And he liked the Finders. The men he'd killed were dull as watching paint dry.
He stopped. He faced Kanda.
"No," he said.
The expressions he was looking for came out. When he was on edge, the scowl left Kanda's face for the confused look of someone who never had to think about what he was saying. His cheeks softened, his black eyes relaxed to the point where they were almost wide open.
"You can't kill everyone," Kanda said slowly, "Who hurt me."
"I'm not going to stop."
"Why?"
"Because I hate it when I have to stop."
"Doesn't matter."
Finally, Daisya grabbed him. He sank two hands into the collar of his jacket and yanked Kanda's bird-boned body to its tiptoes so he could scream in his face.
"To you, maybe! Who the hell cares what you think. I was scared out of my damn mind!" He shook him, trying to get some kind of anything out of Kanda. "If I let them go they were just going to do that again, to somebody else. Not me, I don't think. I'd be too fast. But somebody."
Daisya dropped him.
"So you know," said Kanda.
"Know what?"
"It's because of me. It's not my fault. You made it my fault."
Daisya kicked a pebble sticking up from the road, jarring his ankle when it turned out it was frozen to the ground.
"Ouch."
"I don't want people to die," said Kanda bitterly.
"Me neither."
"Doesn't matter. You killed them."
Daisya let the sting sink in. There wasn't any reason for Kanda to be this cut up over his own murderers, when he didn't even cry when their friends died when they were kids. Even he couldn't just let Isaac go as fast as Kanda did. It was years since he thought about him, and it still tripped him up, looking into the deep hole that was the time he thought he'd be there in the back of his head. Kanda only got mad about it when somehow he could blame it on Daisya.
That sucked.
"Yeah, it doesn't matter what I want. I'm not even supposed to be here."
"No."
He twirled from one foot to the next, dancing all around Kanda while he talked so he could see his face from every angle.
"Thought so. You, mom, dad, you guys all just think I'm going to go do what you want me to do," he complained. "Do you even know me? What d'you think I'm going to do, listen to you? Give me a break."
While he ducked just around Kanda's feet, he heard the thing he said that just proved that he'd never noticed what was going on.
"I thought you'd be smart and stay at the inn," said Kanda.
Daisya threw his hands up in surrender. He jammed himself in Kanda's way, facing him and walking backwards. Kanda was avoiding his eyes. He didn't look at him.
"What the hell d'you know, huh? You don't even know who I am? What's my name? Maybe you 'remember' 'things'," he dragged his hands through the air to mark quotations. "But you definitely don't remember me! Think fast!"
While Kanda marched, Daisya paid attention to his feet. The next step he took forward, Daisya stopped and grabbed his arm, then turned, throwing him from the hip.
Because Daisya was so nice, he remembered that Kanda was hurt badly. He'd already moved his grip up to his shoulders mid-throw so that he could keep him steady while he lost balance. He fell to his knees to cushion Kanda's body, holding him tight to his stomach so that his head didn't jar when they both hit the ground.
"Lena practiced that on me loads of times. You should've known how to get out of it," he said. "If you remembered."
Kanda didn't say anything back. Probably he was having trouble figuring out what happened when a nobody murderer took him out.
"Hey, d'you know who I am? Three guesses, and the first two don't count. You can't peek."
"What?" asked Kanda.
"Just say who you think's with you. C'mon."
Sighing, Kanda answered. "Fine. Daisya. Let me go."
Daisya wasn't about to let him to what he wanted. His knees did hurt, sure, but he could wait it out if it meant that he'd prove a point.
Shifting in his arms, Kanda frowned stupidly.
"You're crying," he said.
"Yeah, right," said Daisya. "I'm a cool soulless killer."
"Stop."
"You're the one who keeps saying it!"
"I'm not trying to."
"It sure sounded like it."
Kanda shuffled forward. His head slid on to Daisya's lap, hair matter and sticking up everywhere. He stared up at Daisya. Finally, he was looking at him.
"You shouldn't do things for me," he said.
"Yeah."
"I don't…" Kanda struggled. "Like. When you're crying. It's weird."
"Yeah?" Daisya snorted
"Why did you think I forgot your name?"
"Because you wanted me to have Alma's memories, or whatever. You keep acting like I'm going to be the same as whoever—."
"Shut up," Kanda spat.
"—your precious little Alma was—"
"Alma was a murderer."
"Hey, so am I!" Daisya said obnoxiously. "He sounds pretty—"
Kanda grabbed his collar and yanked him down to his level, breathing hard.
"Shut up. I don't want. Him again. It has to be different. But you still had to kill somebody. Because I fucked it up."
Kanda exhaled, wet over Daisya's face. "I have to find someone. Not him. I don't want to keep looking."
There was something else that he was missing. The day after Kanda near as much admitted that he—loved him?—wasn't one that was super clear for Daisya. Mostly because he was dizzy from exhaustion and needed to be carried out of that village in a haycart. He did say something about not staying with Daisya forever. Fine by him, if he kept acting like this! What else did he say? There was something he needed to do, and Daisya didn't factor in.
Daisya put it together.
"You're looking for someone you remember," he said.
Away below them, Daisya knew the wooden fenceposts stretched out as far as anyone could see. They were the last things standing in the haze that had swallowed everything up. And him. And Kanda.
"Yeah," said Kanda.
Daisya flopped forward so his forehead touched against Kanda's. His was as icy cold as the road that bit into Daisya's shins.
"You wanted me to remember, so then you wouldn't have to stay with the Order, huh?" he guessed. "That's why you keep getting sent out on all kinds of cool assignments."
"No," muttered Kanda.
"What the hell did you want, then?"
Fingers loosening, Kanda let him go and pushed him gently back up.
"Let's go."
He moved to sit up, but Daisya pinned him back down with hands on his shoulders.
"Not until your tell me why you're being such a dick," he said.
"No," said Kanda stubbornly.
"Oh, go fuck yourself."
Was that a blush? Daisya watched Kanda's upside-down face scrunch up like an old apple. He poked at it to watch it twist more.
"You're going to die like this," Kanda said dully.
"Huh?"
"The higher-ups can do it," he said. "Or somebody else."
Daisya let him take his hands off his chest this time and twist around, so that he was sitting right in front of him. As weird as he was, Kanda didn't have enough imagination to lie. Most of the time. He'd just tell him to shut up. He'd hang for this, is what Kanda said.
"You saw it?" he asked. "Executions. You're not trying to trick me here."
Kanda stared back at him. "No."
"Then just say that! Don't be suck a jerk," Daisya whined.
"You already you won't stop," said Kanda. "You don't listen."
"Yeah, of course I don't. People keep trying to tell me things, and most of it's dumb," he explained.
The look that crossed over Kanda's face looked like pain. That wasn't something he felt a lot of the time, and Daisya felt it bounce back on him. This was new. This was interesting. He didn't want to see it again. Daisya wasn't used to wanting the same old thing back again.
"Fine. Don't make it my fault when you die," Kanda said. "I don't want that. Go somewhere else if I'm stupid enough to get hurt. "
The fresh snow melted into his boots while sweat froze their eyebrows white. Daisya watched Kanda fight against himself to beg for an answer. Did he want to make him?
Sure. He wanted.
Daisya put a hand on his cheek, enjoying the way Kanda froze up, then moved it back around to the place he'd found his skull caved in last night. "You're hurt now. I guess that means I'm going?"
He stood up before Kanda could think too long about it and swung his feet obnoxiously high.
"All right! See ya later. I'm going home."
Things felt better now. How stupid was it, getting upset over Kanda?
It wasn't like they promised to do anything for each other. Except for the times when they did, he remembered. But anyway, Kanda never even told him he…anything. They didn't do that. Daisya just did what he wanted, Kanda did what he thought he should do, and sometimes that lined up. Yeah.
Daisya stared straight into the sun so that he wouldn't be able to see anything. It stared back. The sun was always watching him like that. He could never get away from him at home.
"Actually," he yelled, "How's it go? Sa-yo-na-ra? I'll say sayonara, Kanda! Goodbye, since I'm leaving! Or maybe 'a-ba-yo—'"
Footsteps padded up beside him as Kanda followed.
"You said to go. I'm leaving."
"Yeah," said Kanda.
"So stay put, huh? Scram. Get out of here, dumbass."
"Do you want that?"
"Like hell I do!"
Kanda didn't answer that.
The sun's outline flashed brown-red in Daisya's vision as he set off down the road again.
"You can't just make me do what you want," he said, and he heard his voice crack again.
Kanda didn't answer that one either, but he did shuffle closer so their arms brushed together every step they took.
"It's not like I can stop getting scared, right? Say thank you! I saved your sorry butt because it was going to suck for me if I didn't. At least act like you wanted it," Daisya couldn't stop himself.
"Thank you."
He did not expect Kanda to answer that time, either, but he did. He was surprising like that.
"There! That wasn't hard," Daisya said.
The burning afterimages that Daisya saw started to fade a little as the clouds got thicker in the air. He felt the alcoholic taste rise up in his throat that you got after crying. His breath must have been steaming right out of his lungs.
Then something tugged on his wrist. Kanda stopped them both with thin, cold fingers. Come on.
"What is it this time?" Daisya asked.
He couldn't see exactly what Kanda looked like as he watched him.
"Not that," said Kanda.
It definitely didn't feel like nothing. Daisya was sure he'd let go if he tugged his way out of that grip, but there was no way he was breaking it with any human kind of strength. Kanda wanted him here.
"It's going to take a while to get to the next village," Daisya said. "Hurry up or shut up."
His vision finally swam into focus. Kanda faced him as flat as a stone in the slanting sunlight. His hand stayed firm on his wrist, not painful, but Daisya knew it could've been.
"If you're scared, this works."
"What?" asked Daisya.
"You can feel me," Kanda said simply. "If you're still scared."
Daisya felt his hand slip down, fingers into the warm palm of his hand, then wrapped in the slots between his own joints.
"Yeah, I can."
He tightened his own fingers.
Then felt Kanda raise them and watched him bow his head, still looking like he was bored at a funeral. He touched the back of Daisya's hand to his lips.
"I can feel that too," Daisya joked.
Kanda tossed his head, bangs shifting in the breeze that blew up around them.
"Let's go," he said.
"Yeah. But don't let go."
…
It was night-time by the time they got to a place with a bed. They slept the same way they did most nights. Daisya pressed his knees up into the backs of Kanda's legs and tried to get comfy. By the middle of the night, he was laying across half the straw mattress and Kanda was cuddled into the corner by the wall. Daisya didn't realize until his bladder woke him up and Kanda was just lying there, pretending not to watch him.
He had to give him credit.
Except when other people were watching, the whole time, Kanda kept hold of his hand.
Daisya never thought it'd keep happening like this.
Even when things stayed the same, they didn't always have to be boring.