Screaaaaaaming in under the deadline! sorry this is minimally edited. Things been happening (mostly good) and i wrote this chapter on my phone this week over the course of three busrides. Love you all, glad you're studying hard-my hits have fallen sharply from August to September in line with the North American school year. ganbare!
Lenalee hiked the stairs two at a time with flat feet. Last year, when her legs got long enough, General Yeager had added the dormitory tower to their conditioning schedule. The climb had started out a little tough without her boots. Now she didn't even have to brace her hands against her knees when she hit the last floor.
She let the breaths fall in and out of her. Paying attention just meant she'd tense up and get dizzy. Her body had to be one machine smoothly pushing weight from one foot to the other. The hot air from the kitchens rose up the tower and so did she.
Lenalee let her mind wander while she kept half an eye on the stairs. Not many people used their rooms in the late afternoon. If they'd had to go change clothes after training, they did it at lunch.
It wasn't like she wasn't looking out for people. She just didn't expect them barging in on her and getting tangled up.
Which wasn't quite what happened when Kanda suddenly appeared on the landing right where she was walking. Even if she stayed upright, it almost did!
Really, one second Lenalee was sticking to the right side of the steps, properly, and then at the same time he was opening one of the bedroom doors right into her.
Lucky for Kanda, she was still paying a little attention. Enough to jump out of the way. Her calves flexed under the weight of the extra gear she was carrying and still managed to take her across to the other side of the landing.
Kanda stopped as soon as he heard her anyway, door half open.
"Sorry," he grunted.
She nodded. Usually she'd say hi, but she had to be quiet so that she wouldn't run out of breath speaking.
"What'd you do?"
Daisya's voice reached her from outside the room, but Kanda slammed the door shut before she could peer inside.
"Let's go," said Kanda.
"Apology accepted!" yelled the now-muffled voice inside the room.
They were on one of the lower floors, Lenalee recalled. This was only the third story up from ground level. Kanda's room was on the fifth.
So he had to be visiting Daisya. At a time in the day where there should be nobody here at all.
Looking at the door, looking at Kanda's frowning face, looking at the warm spring afternoon out of the windows far up in the tower's top, Lenalee decided just to get on with exercising.
She took the next two steps fast to try and settle back into her rhythm. Kanda followed along beside her. His travelling coat was on and buttoned up. The belts were still undone, though, clanging whenever he moved. Was he getting sent off already? Lenalee thought he'd just got back from a short trip north to Scotland.
They reached the next landing.
Whatever was going on, at least Daisya seemed cheerful.
There were a few weeks after they'd gone to his home where he was edgy. Lenalee didn't ask about it. It was…she was glad to meet his family. They were nice. Knowing they were there, how they were, she just couldn't understand why Daisya didn't want to go back there.
To her, it felt like talking about it would make him realize that he should go back. She didn't want to say anything and wake up the next day and find that the dojo was quiet again without him there.
That was last fall.
Daisya made it all through the winter without saying anything about his family except the usual complaining. Part of it did make her want to grab him by the loose bandages he wrapped over his chest and shake him until he understood what he was giving up, but if Daisya really knew that, then he wouldn't stay here another week.
There almost weren't any kids left who she grew up with. Without Daisya…Kanda would be the last.
She glanced over to him. Kanda.
While she was distracted, they'd made it another three floors up to where the science staff rooms were. Theirs were on the top stories, since those jobs had the least turnover. Finders bunked in on the ground floor. It saved moving their things up and down the stairs all them time.
"Stop it," said Kanda.
"I'm not looking at you," she said calmly.
"You were. Nothing's wrong."
"Okay."
Really, he should know she didn't like being lied to.
Lenalee pursed her lips as they got to the final flight of steps. Starting in the dark, be light and heat got stronger as you climbed. Part of that was just sweating. The other part was more natural. It felt like she was a prisoner looking up at the sun. When she got to the top where the skylight sealed the roof, she felt like the window was actually the real sun. A perfect circle bolted in place, bright during the day and dark at night, that seemed too high up to ever reach when you looked at it from below.
Not unreachable, thought. Lenalee would catch her breath at the landing to make sure she didn't start crying and close her lungs up. There would be a break before she had to go back down and do this all over again, striding up the tower with legs that were still shorter than Daisya's.
"Can you do this outside?" asked Kanda.
"Training? Sure, but it's cold," she said without thinking.
"Get a jacket."
"Why?" she asked.
"It's warm," said Kanda flatly.
He was walking along the wall's edge, out of the way of the skylight while Lenalee stared through it.
She could guess that those words meant he wanted them to be alone. Alone alone, not just by themselves.
"Should I get anything else? It might be slippery if there's still ice," she said.
"No."
Finally, they got to the top. The stairs ended in a small landing at the door to Komui's other office, and on the other side was a long, long way down. Lenalee didn't stare at the floor from there, but she stopped looking away from it.
"I'll get it from my room," she answered.
Kanda just nodded, peeking over the edge of the landing. He seemed spacey today.
…
Lenalee took her time getting kitted out. If Kanda was going to interrupt her to drag her out in the biting spring winds, he was going to stay while she finished doing her routine.
At least straps of her bag didn't bite as much when she had her canvas coat on. To make sure her feet could handle more than gravity, she kept her backpack stuffed with rocks when she climbed up and down the tower. Here, it was the stairs to the outer ramparts.
"It's nice seeing everything start to grow again," she said while Kanda lurked silently beside her.
"Hm."
There were actually little shoots poking out under the snow against the the south-facing walls. With Kanda, she didn't need to fill the silence. She only had to say what she meant.
It would be snowdrops and crocuses in the rest of the country, then daffodils. Not many of those grew here. The first explosion was always the dandelions. They poked out of every chink in the old stone.
"You're still here," Kanda said. He didn't try to lead into anything.
"Well, Komui's here."
"He'd go wherever you wanted."
"What about you?" she asked instead of answering.
Kanda didn't say. He just grunted. She didn't think he'd ever said it directly, but he had some other reason for being here than the people he knew.
"I don't think that the place I'd want to go is somewhere that exists," Lenalee said.
"Yeah," said Kanda.
"Why are you asking now?"
Kanda ignored her. "Are you going to give back the Innocence when you leave?"
With the snow still half-melted, she couldn't give Kanda any attention. Her eyes had to stay on the stairs to make sure she didn't put a foot wrong.
"I don't…I guess so?" She struggled to think of what he meant this time. "I wouldn't need it. Would you?"
"Mugen is mine."
"That's because you really synchronize with it," Lenalee said. "The Boots don't like me. I don't like them either."
"You wouldn't fight," said Kanda. He chased her up the stairs. A few bounds and he'd cleared what it took her the whole time to climb.
"No, not if I was just living. Maybe if I saw an akuma, but without Innocence…"
"Not akuma," Kanda cut in.
She reacted. "No!"
Lenalee felt like she needed to scrub herself, or spit, whatever could get out the bad feeling it left. She didn't even want to touch anyone who'd come after her. It was better for them all to be somewhere where she couldn't even tell they existed. To get the feel off of her she'd jump into a lake in winter.
"You won't hurt anyone?"
"Kanda, you're being mean," she said.
Keeping an even pace, Lenalee tried to stay calm so that her breath wouldn't catch near the top of the stairs.
"Sorry."
"I thought you knew what I felt," she said.
"Yeah."
"I don't want to get revenge, or anything."
"I know."
She planted a foot on the walkway at the top of the wall. The rocks crowded up around HQ like the walls had been pushed up out of the ground when it was still wet sand. Way out over them, there were other people living without knowing that they ever existed.
"Not revenge," Kanda said once he thought she'd calmed down. "Can you hurt someone?"
Lenalee thought about it. She didn't look at the horizon too long, in case she found herself wanting to fly over it. "I wouldn't want to."
"You would do it."
They turned back around, Kanda leading her down the stairs.
"Usually there's something else I can do," she said.
"Not always," Kanda said stubbornly.
"Fine! What do you want me to tell you?" she snapped.
Kanda stopped still and glared at her. He blocked the rest of the way down.
"Who would you kill?"
"Nobody."
"To protect your brother."
"Nobody! I don't have to kill anyone, I don't want to hurt anybody! I don't want to get involved!" she whispered. "I don't care if they suffer, I don't even want to think about it!"
Lenalee panted. The stress she was trying to avoid by taking these stairs slowly was flooding her.
"Then he's dead," said Kanda.
"Not everyone thinks you can solve all your problems by just hitting it, Kanda."
"So?"
"Humans want things," she said bitterly. "It's okay if I can just give them that. Then they'll leave me alone."
"Okay," said Kanda.
"It's what works."
"You wouldn't kill Levellier?"
The horizon shimmered like it was a hot day. Lenalee didn't flinch or stumble thinking about it. She kept her legs flexible and let her head spin on its own. That couldn't get to her now. She wouldn't stand a chance in battle.
"I don't think they'd let Komui survive if I did that," she said.
For once, Kanda didn't have a sharp retort.
Lenalee breathed out for a long time. She would have to restart her exercises once she calmed down to the half-asleep heart rate that was meant to carry her through these. She stayed at the top of the wall, looking out.
"Was that what you wanted me to say?" she asked. "I don't get it. Whatever you know about the Order, I think it's more than me."
"Yeah. It won't let anyone go," he said.
"Do you want to leave?" she asked.
It wasn't something she ever got. Kanda didn't like everyone here like she did, and he hated the Order almost as much. There wasn't anything that tied him here except for his team, and he never was shy about how much he didn't care what they thought.
"No," Kanda said shortly.
"Why not?"
That stunned Kanda.
He hissed in a breath like he was going to just give another short answer, then stopped. He was actually thinking about it. He didn't expect to have to give her anything.
"I'm not leaving. But Daisya has to," he said flatly.
"He wouldn't!" Lenalee felt her stomach drop, forgetting how he'd just ignored her. "Just ask me what you want to know, okay? Stop acting like I'm a kid."
Kanda glared.
"You think Daisya can't protect himself if he runs away, right?" she asked.
"No."
"Then tell me!"
She could tell from his posture that Kanda had shut down. He was so annoying! Him and Komui, acting like she didn't know what the Order was.
She stepped down to the top stair to trap him up on the wall. He couldn't get away without going along the ramparts or somehow vaulting over her to the slippery stairs below.
From here, the world was eaten back up again by the wall's crenellations. Kanda's face stood up against the pearl-grey sky. She could see him in a different light. He was scared stiff.
The pieces came together.
Lenalee felt her eyes go wide. Would she leave? Could she kill? Would the Order come after somebody who disobeyed? What was right and what was wrong? Daisya had to leave. He'd never go back to his family or that small town by the seashore. Kanda was scared for him. No, and then, he was scared of him.
She stayed quiet. "Did Daisya…actually…?"
Kanda shook his head violently. The way his hair flew, it was hard enough that he should have strained his neck. That would serve him right! With that strong of a reaction, she was sure she'd gotten it right.
"I forced him," Kanda said.
"That doesn't sound right."
"Yeah, it wasn't right," Kanda spat.
"Do you think they know?"
"No."
Whatever Daisya did, at least Kanda thought he was safe. Lenalee felt her body sag under the heavy backpack.
"It hasn't been long enough to be sure," she theorized.
Kanda shrugged. "They know or they don't."
"Did you tell General Tiedoll that he k—"
"No. Just." Kanda looked cross eyed with concentration. "Make sure he can leave. In one piece."
"Of course I will! You don't need to ask me that."
"I don't know what you can forgive," said Kanda.
"It's not like that."
"Huh?"
"I can forgive people. I don't think I can stop caring about somebody just because of something they did," Lenalee said slowly, because Kanda still was more childish than her sometimes.
"Yeah." He didn't seem convinced.
"Daisya's my friend. You're my friend. Whatever happens, I can't just leave you guys alone."
Lenalee slid her feet around to get more stable on the top stair. Her neck hurt from looking up, but she still needed to. With how on edge Kanda was, she didn't expect him to start smiling now.
"What?" she asked.
"You're different," he said.
"No, we're not! You forgive Daisya, too."
Kanda shook his head again. "Whatever. Are you cold?"
Lenalee considered it. Her cheeks were hot, actually. She'd say they were burning.
"I'll go back inside," she said, and turned.
Her feet landed on the stone between the dark patches that were probably water. Lenalee made her way down.
The hills poking up around the Order didn't give her any comfort. Imagining the things over the other side just made her feel more sharply that she was never going to be outside again. It was a lot nicer to have solid stone walls all around when she had to think about the things she'd promised. There wasn't the temptation to hop off the staircase like there was with the ramparts up here.
"Sorry," she heard Kanda say. He was distant at the top.
When she didn't answer, a flurry of footsteps came down after her. Now Kanda stuck to Lenalee all the way down the stairs, like a heeler dog.
"It's not even like you know something's going to happen," she said.
"Hm."
You shouldn't scare me first by asking questions like that, is what she didn't say. He wouldn't get it. Lenalee flexed her fingers to keep them warm and stepped off the last stair, back to the ground.
Kanda still thought that she'd worry more about some stranger's life than her friend's.
Their boots pattered on the flagstones back to the dormitory tower. They'd slipped out a side door that was unlocked from the inside, but now they had to go all the way around.
Would Kanda care more about that stranger's life?
There was a small, bare tree poking out of a pot in sheltered corner of the wall. Lenalee wondered if it would get enough sunlight to come up again in the spring.
She thought, probably, that Kanda was asking her everything about that to make sure that she wouldn't turn Daisya in, but why would he think she'd do that?
The wind soughed through them. Now that she wasn't climbing up over and over, her body cooled fast. Her clothes were just a light woolen shirt and leggings.
Was he going to tell somebody else that Daisya murdered another human?
Lenalee crossed deliberately over an icy puddle to crunch the layer that froze on the surface.
Was he going to tell somebody else that Daisya murdered another human?
She pulled up short. Kanda didn't walk into her back. His spark-quick reflexes kept him safely behind her, in the puddle that would now be soaking into his boots.
"I don't think it's wrong, killing somebody," she said. "It's just me. I can't run away after."
Lenalee turned back and waited for an answer. Kanda started dully. He didn't even step out of the snowmelt.
"What about you?" she asked.
Kanda shrugged.
"You're not going to tell anyone," she said. "What Daisya did."
Kanda shook his head.
"D'you think…maybe it would be better…if we tried, too?" she hesitated.
Kanda scoffed. "I didn't think you were stupid."
"I thought about it!" she said. "I really did, and I'm still not sure if it's right."
"No. We can't kill people," Kanda snapped. "Don't get it wrong."
"Not even if it saves somebody else from having to be here? Or having to die?" she asked, taking his questions back from him.
Kanda muttered something.
"What?"
"I'm not human."
Lenalee stared at him as Kanda stopped moving at all.
"Doesn't matter," said Kanda.
It wasn't like she never wondered what happened to him. The Innocence didn't always work like it should. Nobody else that she knew looked that pale. The strength he had definitely wasn't natural. His skin was almost white, but opaque, not see-through.
She still never actually thought that…what?
"Oh," she said.
Kanda stared as his own wet feet.
"Don't do that," she said, because she couldn't hold it in any longer. "You're going crack your shoes."
"Tch."
Stomping out of the puddle, Kanda stayed behind her.
"Say 'thank you,'" she said.
Kanda rolled his eyes. "Thank you."
"You're welcome."
Shivering, Lenalee decided she shouldn't stop here again. The cold would get to you here if you didn't keep walking.
"I'm going back inside," she said.
That left Kanda a choice to stay away if he wanted. Talking to other people wasn't something that was easy for him. He also wasn't good at it.
"Mm," said Kanda.
Besides, that would give Lenalee a chance to think about things without him watching. Kanda was worried. She didn't want to upset him any more.
Which was why it was a little annoying that he tailed her all the way back.
They walked around the courtyard to the skinny little passage that connected the yard in the back to the rest of the complex. Lenalee faced front so that Kanda wouldn't be able to see her as she concentrated. He really did care about her. He'd want to comfort her, but now, she wasn't sure that was what she needed. She wasn't disturbed or anything. She was more confused.
Lenalee turned the problem over in her head. Daisya had asked her how she could still stay here if she wasn't having any fun. It wasn't quite like that. She didn't wonder how she could stay here. She was starting to wonder why it had to be this hard. Komui was in charge of this place now, wasn't he? Since the old chief choked while he was drinking.
She let people keep coming here, knowing what was going to get done to them.
Would she kill anyone to protect them? Most of them were her friends.
Skirting the tower walls, she heard a faint noise. Clanging. Like a tinker mending pots.
Lenalee was distracted. That's why she didn't put it together until Daisya came barreling around the corner and almost hit her. That was two! Two times she just avoided getting knocked over today.
"Hey, Lena! You're here?" Daisya gushed. "C'mon, let's go kick something around. I want to play goalie. Kanda's left me."
She looked at the grinning face that was hanging inches away, held in place by Kanda's fist in the back of its shirt.
"Uh, Daisya, he's here."
Kanda let go, and Daisya fell to his feet. He brushed himself off.
"Yeah, I know that. He ditched me in the middle of something important. Are you in or what?" he asked.
"I need to finish my training routine," she said. "Maybe later?"
"Okay! See ya.
Daisya bowed exaggeratedly and waved her in the direction of the main doors. He didn't seem put out. Once he snapped back up to standing, the Charity Bell almost hitting Kanda on its way down, he swung an arm around Kanda's shoulders.
"I've got this guy to keep me company."
His grin widened, and Kanda sent her a look. Lenalee took her cue. Daisya wouldn't be distracted for long.
She set off around the corner.
"Lucky you," she heard Daisya say once she was out of sight. "Getting this all to yourself."
If Kanda answered, she didn't hear it. Daisya just kept talking.
"Want to keep going? You seemed pretty—"
Then Daisya cut off as well, like Kanda had told him to shut up. Though, Lenalee thought, Daisya was bad at reading the room. He wouldn't leave Kanda alone if he was feeling moody.
The dark wooden doors loomed up over her. Lenalee pushed the small inset door aside and slipped into the dark interior, warm from the kitchen draft.
Kanda must have clamped a hand over Daisya's mouth or something. That was the only thing that worked.