This chapter picks up right where the previous one left off. I've changed the rating to M.
This story has gotten a bit longer than I had intended, so it will now be three chapters instead of two.
Major trigger warnings for a sexual assault flashback at the end of the chapter that is somewhat graphic, so please keep this in mind before reading (the flashback is in the last few paragraphs).
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"Just take your time. You can talk when you're ready. You have nothing to be sorry for."
Amanda is drowning in an ocean of guilt-ridden tears, her weeping so intense that the noise is ringing in her ears and making it difficult to hear anything else. It takes her a moment to realize Olivia is speaking to her, Amanda desperately trying to calm down so she can listen to what the older woman is saying, and so she doesn't run the risk of the guys making a reappearance in the cribs.
The combination of her breakdown and Olivia's nightmare is sure to have tongues wagging downstairs in the squad room, Amanda cringing at the thought of her fellow officers gossiping about either one of them or making comments about the female members of the team being too emotional. She admits that it would actually be worse if anyone decides to take it beyond mere gossip and starts asking serious questions of legitimate concern; queries that she is not prepared to answer, and that wave of protectiveness rising up again when she thinks of anyone inquiring about Olivia's nightmare or her time with Lewis.
There is a part of Amanda that wishes it was possible to stay tucked up here in the bunk, huddled with Olivia underneath the blankets, safe and sound from the rest of the world. But the other part, the one that longs to flee from the crushing weight of embarrassment and remorse, appears to be prevailing as her legs twitch restlessly on the mattress and her feet slide closer to the edge.
"Please don't leave," Olivia whispers into her ear, a shiver running down Amanda's spine in response. "I'm not going to make you stay if you're too uncomfortable, but I would really like it if you sat here with me for a little while."
Amanda doesn't reply for a moment, trying to gather her thoughts as she wills herself to calm down and stop crying, acknowledging how good it feels to be cradled in Olivia's arms. She has always wanted them to be close, both physically and emotionally, but had never imagined it happening quite like this. She wants to relish Olivia's embrace while she has the chance, unsure if their first hug will also be their last, but that relentless guilt won't leave her alone, prompting her to blurt out another string of apologies amid her tears.
"Will you stop telling me how sorry you are?" Olivia chastises gently, Amanda feeling those strong arms give her a brief, scolding jostle and then tighten their hold around her. "You don't need to be sorry. If anything, I should be apologizing to you. If I didn't have such a bad nightmare, you wouldn't be in this condition right now."
"Well, you can hardly control what you dream about, Liv," Amanda scoffs with a shake of her head.
"Exactly," Olivia replies firmly. "Just like our emotions are out of our control sometimes, too. We can't always help how we react to things."
"I didn't mean to react so badly," Amanda murmurs sorrowfully. "I didn't mean to make this about me. I really just wanted to help you, Liv, I swear."
"I know you did," Olivia answers tenderly, her hold tightening again. "And you did help me. You sent Fin and Nick out of the room so I wouldn't be as embarrassed, and you tried to wake me up. And then you waited with me to make sure I was okay and offered to talk about my nightmare. So I'd say you've done a pretty good job so far."
"Not good enough," Amanda protests faintly, unable to rid herself of the deep shame of her actions and the anxiety of what is likely to come in their discussion.
"I'm not going to convince you, am I?" Olivia chuckles softly, her tone somewhat resigned, and Amanda shakes her head against her once more.
They lapse into silence for a moment, the air thick with tension and awkwardness, before Olivia speaks again, the other woman sounding regretful herself now.
"You know, I remember a conversation you and I had a couple of years ago, in the corridor of the hospital where we were visiting Gia Eskas. You told me that something had happened to you on the job and that's why you had to leave." Olivia's voice is low, Amanda tensing up as she recalls that moment in time like it was yesterday, the scene painted vividly inside her head. "I regret dropping the ball with that conversation. I should have followed up with it later and I'm sorry I didn't. You deserved better, Amanda."
"It's okay," Amanda whispers with a shrug, still wrestling with the convoluted feelings she has carried from that day; a mixture of relief and hurt that Olivia had never brought the topic up again, but deciding to be generous about it, in light of their current situation. "That case was crazy and visiting a victim in the hospital wasn't the best place for that kind of talk. And I know you had a lot on your plate back then, with Elliot leaving and Nick and I joining the squad. Life gets busy, discussions get forgotten. It happens."
"But I never forgot."
Amanda sucks in a sharp breath, surprised by this information, as she had assumed Olivia had forgotten about it long ago. "Well, I can see why you never brought it up again, Liv. It's a hard thing to talk about with a co-worker and I know I don't make things easy for you." The words out are before she can hold them back, attributing yet another blunder to the stress of this case and her massive sleep deprivation, but recognizing the truth in her words. "And I know it's difficult to have a conversation like that with someone you don't trust."
"Amanda-"
Her face crumples with tears again and she interrupts Olivia as the devastation consumes her, the memories from Atlanta so fresh in her mind, it takes her breath away. "He said no one would believe me and he was right."
Amanda presses both hands to her mouth in a frantic effort to hold back the anguished wail that is threatening to burst forth, aghast at her inability to rein in her erratic emotions. Not since that night in the motel room with Patton has she been this emotionally unstable, and her sudden lack of control is terrifying, desperate to suppress this weak, needy side of her personality that is escaping from the strong and capable detective she has tried to become.
"Who said that?" Olivia whispers urgently, Amanda turning her face away when the brunette peers over her shoulder in an effort to make eye contact.
Amanda doesn't answer, her limbs stiffening and her breathing quickening, keeping her head resolutely turned to the side as she bites down hard on her lower lip in an attempt to stop speaking altogether. She curses herself for not being able to stay focused on Olivia's trauma and for making her own suffering the star of the show, wishing a hole would open up in the thin material of the mattress and swallow her.
"I believe you, sweetheart."
Amanda looks up through a haze of tears and misery at the unexpected announcement and term of endearment, blinking in shock.
"And don't worry about our trust issues. There's plenty of time to work on that later. But those issues don't extend to what's happening right now, do you understand me?" Amanda feels sturdy hands on her shoulders, pushing her slightly away so they are finally eye to eye, Olivia's gaze intent on hers as the other woman continues to grip her arms, repeating firmly, "I believe you."
Amanda nods slowly, still too stunned to speak as their gazes remain locked on one another, and she sees matching tears balancing precariously on Olivia's long lashes. She had decided to confide in her that day at the hospital after Olivia had said something similar to Gia; that she believed her about the rapes, and had then confessed to being assaulted on the job. The horrific case combined with Olivia's disclosure had prompted Amanda to admit to her own troubles at work, in a naive desire for them to bond and become closer. But even now, she remains uncertain that it was the right thing to do, terrified of dredging up the traumatic events that had occurred in Atlanta and not wanting any further contact whatsoever with her former deputy chief.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Olivia asks softly, Amanda breaking the intense eye contact that will be her undoing if she lets it; she'll be spilling the entire story in a heartbeat if the older woman doesn't stop looking at her like that.
"That's my line," she murmurs with a mirthless laugh. "We're supposed to be talking about you, not me."
"And I told you that I couldn't remember my nightmare," Olivia reminds her quietly, Amanda resolutely avoiding her stare again when she can sense the brunette trying to re-establish that disconcerting eye contact between them.
"Well, we don't have to talk about that specifically." Amanda squirms in Olivia's embrace, her persistence in avoiding those knowing brown orbs while engaging in such an important discussion making her feel ridiculous and immature. "We can talk about other things that you're going through." She pauses and nibbles the inside of her cheek, swallowing hard before she continues speaking. "And are you absolutely sure you don't remember any of it?"
Her brow arches in question when Olivia doesn't immediately answer, chancing a glance at the woman holding her and surprised to see that her sergeant is now the one averting her eyes as a blush blooms on her cheeks. "Liv, it's okay," she coaxes gently. "Whatever it is, you can tell me."
"The dream..." Olivia trails off and sighs harshly, Amanda becoming more intrigued and confused as the conversation drags on. "It was about you."
"Me?" Both eyebrows are raised high now, her jaw dropping in astonishment and her heart beating faster, completely unprepared for this reply. "What about me?"
"Lewis...in my nightmare, he had you. He had captured you instead of me." Olivia's voice is hushed, barely audible now as Amanda stares at her with wide eyes and rapt attention. "I was running after you, trying to get to you before he took you away, but the faster I ran, the further you both got. I just couldn't...I couldn't get to you in time. And then you were gone. And I knew you were never coming back."
"Oh, Liv. I'm so sorry," Amanda whispers compassionately, refraining from mentioning that it would have been well deserved if Lewis had taken her instead of Olivia. "But it's okay, it was just a dream. Nothing happened to me. I'm fine."
"Well, I wouldn't go that far," Olivia chastises softly. "Something did happen and you're definitely not fine. But right now, at least, I'm glad you're safe."
"I wonder why you were dreaming about me," Amanda says thoughtfully, choosing to ignore a portion of what Olivia has said; still hesitant about going into more detail with her own issues. "Maybe it's because we've been working so closely together on this case for so long. You must have some bad dreams about the others too, huh?"
Olivia shakes her head and Amanda's chin tilts in curiosity when she notices the blush becoming darker. "Actually, no, I don't. It's usually just you."
"Usually just me?" she confirms in a dumbfounded voice, taken aback once again. "How often do you have these kinds of dreams?"
"Quite a bit," Olivia admits quietly, still not meeting her gaze. "Maybe it's because you're on my mind a lot."
Amanda has to save herself from falling off the bed at this response, shocked that Olivia is being so candid with her after the last couple of years of standoffish behavior and frequent arguments; having previously been under the impression that Olivia didn't think much about her at all. "Really?"
"Yes, really." Olivia's voice is gentle and there is a note of sadness evident. "During my recovery period at home, I had a lot of time to think about my life and the people who are important to me; the people I thought I was going to lose when Lewis had me."
"I'm important to you?" Amanda's awed voice wobbles when she answers, blinking rapidly to keep another surge of tears at bay as she struggles to wrap her head around what she is hearing.
"Yes, you are." Olivia's tone is insistent, Amanda feeling long, elegant fingers squeezing hers in a firm grip. "I have a lot of regrets in my life and when Lewis had me, I wasn't sure if I was going to live long enough to rectify them." There is another pause, the older woman's voice trembling now as well. "One of my biggest regrets is how I've treated you since you came to New York. I want things to be better between us, Amanda. I care about you and I want to be there for you when you're having a hard time. I want to help you."
"I want things to be better with us too, Liv. More than anything." Amanda has to swallow carefully around the lump that has risen in her throat while she's been listening, her heart filling with a pleasurable warmth as she continues to grapple with her shock at the turn this conversation has taken. "I think about you a lot, too."
They stare intently at each other as the silence descends again, a distinct change in the atmosphere as something new and strange seems to emerge amidst them, leaving the tentative awkwardness behind. Amanda squashes the sudden urge she has to lean over and kiss Olivia, feeling swept up in this whirlwind of unexpected emotions and bonding, but knows she is getting carried away with her feelings. This is not the time or the place for that kind of gesture and she doesn't want to ruin this precarious, exhilarating truce between them with her impulsive and inappropriate actions.
"So will you let me help you, Amanda?"
Blinking slowly like she is coming out of a daze, she realizes that Olivia is speaking again, the other woman's voice tender and pleading and emphatically carrying on with a topic that she would rather drop. "Help me with what?" Her tone is flat now, resistant to continuing this discussion unless it centers on her sergeant and what she is dealing with in the aftermath of her abduction and confinement. "I came in here to help you, Liv."
"Well, it appears we've reached an impasse, then," Olivia says in a bemused tone. "We each want to help the other, but neither of us wants to talk in-depth about our own problems."
"Well, that certainly sounds like us," Amanda acknowledges with a tired chuckle, swiping a hand through untidy long hair that could use a wash and a brush, and wondering what it would be like to fall asleep in Olivia's embrace. "Maybe we should just try to get some sleep and talk about things later."
"I've had enough sleep for now but you go ahead," Olivia replies as she begins to untangle their limbs and get to her feet. "I should get back to work. I'm sure Fin and Nick could use some help down there."
Amanda feels a sudden surge of panic at the absence of the older woman's comforting arms and warm body, her mind swirling with a myriad of overwhelming emotions; desire, guilt, and the terror of being left alone in the dark now that both William Lewis and Charles Patton are inside her head, waiting to star in her nightmares. She sucks in a shuddering breath, stopping herself just in time before stretching to grab Olivia's hand and begging her to stay, hunched over in sheets that smell like her sergeant's lilac perfume and bereft at being abandoned right after their breakthrough.
Amanda burrows down into the covers as Olivia picks up her blazer off a nearby bunk and a pair of shoes that are sitting on the floor beside the bed, completely surrounded by the brunette's scent now as she pushes her face into the pillow in an effort to quell more tears. She is horrified at the sobs once again rising in her throat, chastising herself for engaging in this childish behavior when she should be settling down to sleep so she is well-rested and ready to tackle their case with fresh eyes and an alert body and mind.
She doesn't even bother switching into a bunk that hasn't been slept in yet, afraid of the agonized cries that will burst out of her mouth if she even so much as moves, and wanting to stay ensconced in Olivia's soothing scent. Amanda watches with tear-filled eyes as her sergeant shrugs into her blazer and slips on her shoes, Olivia somehow able to look beautiful and put together after such a chaotic break in the cribs, and can't help feeling like she is being punished with the other woman's departure because she won't talk about her trauma.
Her stomach churns as she pictures the object of her trauma standing at the edge of the bed, Charles Patton grinning lasciviously down at her as he waits for Olivia to leave so he can have his way with her. A rush of vomit is mixing with the tears, both of them lodging in Amanda's throat to choke her as the image of the older man sits beside her on the mattress and reaches for the zipper on her dress pants, apparently too impatient to keep waiting.
The present swiftly blurs into the past as she can smell the booze on his breath and hear the TV playing next door, and all at once she is back there in Atlanta, sprawled on that stained quilt in that dingy motel room, with his hands all over her. He is clumsy and rough, knocking her skull against the headboard and bloodying her lip, his fingers sliding into her pants to rub her through her underwear before the thick, probing digits are on her bare skin and slipping inside of her.
Before Amanda can try to yank herself back into reality or put a halt to her actions, she is leaning over and vomiting onto the floor, gagging and weeping and begging him to stop hurting her, knowing the pain from his fingers is just the beginning and there is so much more torture to come. She is vaguely aware of Olivia kneeling down beside her, the older woman's body language frantic and her voice sounding far away, the confusion and surprise in her sergeant's tone drowned out by her former deputy chief hissing into her ear, "You know I don't take no for an answer, darlin'."
"Liv, make him stop!" Amanda gasps out in desperation, her hands scrabbling in a frenzied motion at the material of Olivia's blazer, gripping onto both sides of the garment with sweaty fingers in an attempt to pull her closer. "Please help me!"
She can hear Olivia answering her but can't make out what she is saying, and before she can throw herself into the safety of the other woman's arms, Patton is pushing her down and climbing on top of her, his weight pressing her into the mattress as he pins her hands above her head.
Amanda knows she can't escape from him now; that not even Olivia Benson can save her from this torment, and she opens her mouth to let loose with a petrified scream.