Chapter 23

Watching as Lucien barred the door, Elain raised an eyebrow. "So…" she began, trying to sound casual. "We… we're going to share… the room…" She saw his back straighten before he turned to her, hesitation clear on his face.

"I… I thought to ask for separate rooms…" he said gently, "but… I think I would rest easier if I knew you were safe… here…" She watched as he bit his lip, a hand going up into his hair. "I know that Rhys thinks we're protected, but I wouldn't put it past my brothers to do whatever they liked, consequences be damned, because they certainly wouldn't give a shit about breaking any tentative alliance with the Night Court or anyone else as long as they got to satisfy whatever urge they had whenever they wanted to." His metallic eye clicked an whirred as he glanced around the room before focusing once again on Elain, "And if we asked to be put in separate rooms then they would know that… they would know that the bond hasn't been… accepted… and…" his look became more intense as he met her gaze, "I don't know what … ideas… that would inspire in them."

"Your mother knows." Elain said softly, "She told me not to tell anyone…"

Lucien nodded, taking a step toward her. "To hurt me, they wouldn't hesitate to hurt you… I'm sorry." Elain watched as he grew visibly frustrated, "I'm sorry that I put you at risk…"

"Lucien…"

"I'm sorry…" he carried on as if he hadn't heard her, "It's my fault. If you weren't my… if I didn't care for you, you'd not be of any interest to them…" a slight panicked tone had entered Lucien's voice and Elain strode forward, taking his hands in hers and pulling him toward the large bed in the centre of the room, making him sit down. He did as she indicated, and Elain held both of his hands in hers as she sat beside him, looking at him earnestly. "If… if you want your own room…" Elain had to actually strain to hear him, "I can ask."

Shaking her head, Elain kept her hold on his hands. "No." she said gently, "This is fine."

"I'll sleep on the couch…" he inclined his head at a small orange couch by the far wall. "I'll drag it in front of the door…"

Elain wanted to tell him that sleeping on the couch was unnecessary, but she didn't know how she felt about sharing a bed with him. She knew that she trusted him to control any driving urges from the bond like he had that night in the kitchen, but she suspected that would be rather more difficult if they were in the same bed. She swallowed thickly when she remembered the dream he had accidentally sent to her. Clearly some part of him was already imagining what it would be like to have her in his bed, so perhaps it was better not to test him too harshly.

When she looked up to his face once more, it was to find him staring across the room unseeingly. Anguish crept down the bond toward her, and she figured he was caught up in some unpleasant memory. "Lucien…" she began softly and his eyes flicked directly to her. "What are you thinking about?"

"Oh," he shook his head dismissively. "Nothing…" She raised an eyebrow at him and he gave a small sigh. "Just… memories of when I was a youngling."

"Like?"

"Uh…" he gave a light shrug, "Hiding in the library from my brothers so I could do my lessons in peace… read what I wanted…"

"Yes, the impression I got from them was … not … one of … enjoyment of libraries."

"Or learning in general." Lucien agreed, then after a pause added, "Except Eris."

"He does seem… different… to them."

Lucien's russet eye darkened as he met her gaze. "More cruel and calculating." He said. "He's certainly more clever than the others."

"Yet he's the one Rhys wants to replace your father."

"Eris has a brain." Lucien replied, "He's more likely to see reason and act accordingly."

"Did you really have nobody…" Elain looked at him. It was clear his brothers had no affection for him. Had he not had anybody to play with or confide in? Sorrow trickled down the bond before Lucien had clearly leashed it.

"There was a reason I liked to wander." He murmured, "Befriend fae that my father thought were not appropriate acquaintances for the son of the High Lord."

"…Jesminda." Elain breathed.

"And her ilk."

Elain maintained her hold on Lucien's hands as she looked at him. She had never been alone like that in her life. She had always had Nesta, and then Feyre. She couldn't even fathom loneliness in the way that Lucien must have experienced it during his time here. It was no wonder, she thought, that he had become so loyal to Tamlin and the home he had tried to build in the Spring Court. "It must have been so difficult," she said after a moment, "Every time you had to come back here as the emissary for the Spring Court…"

He gave her a bitter smile. "I had a role to play, and I played it." He told her.

"Did they ever try to hurt you?"

"They were far too afraid of Tamlin for that."

"Feyre told me…" Elain drew an uncertain breath, " She told me that three of your brothers followed you when you left." She saw the moment he figured out where she was going with that, "That… Tamlin killed one, and you killed another…"

"And the other escaped back home to deliver the message that I was now under Tamlin's protection, and an attack on me would be considered an attack on him and an act of war…"

"You… had to kill your brother…"

Lucien just nodded, his eyes on her face. "It… was… not like the relationship you have with your sisters…"

"No, I imagine not."

"Still…" he agreed, "It was not something I had ever wanted to have to do."

"They would have killed you…"

"Yes."

"Why…" Elain frowned, "Why did they treat you like that? I mean… they seem okay with one another. Why were you the outsider?"

A small laugh escaped Lucien before he cut it off. "I don't know." He said, "Because I wasn't like them? I didn't have the same penchant for brutality and violence? Perhaps they could sense that, right from the start? Perhaps I was just a threat to them? Perhaps it was that my father has always hated me and that made it okay for them to target me the way they did?"

"How did you survive it all?" Elain couldn't help the mental image of a little Lucien hiding in a library from his older brothers, clutching his book protectively and preying that they wouldn't find him. She didn't know if it was a real scene that she was being shown, or if she had imagined it up, but it stung nonetheless.

Lucien smiled at her, however, and lifted one of his hands from hers to tap at his temple with a slender finger. Ah, of course. He was clever. "I'm glad that you left…" she told him, and he tilted his head, looking at her thoughtfully.

"Are you?"

"You shouldn't have to constantly be treated that way. To always be looking over your shoulder…" Elain shook her head, "That's… I can't even imagine living like that." She watched his russet eye go a little unfocused and she knew that he was remembering something. Darkness swirled down the bond, and Elain looked around the room for something to try and distract him with.

She noticed his pack sitting by the door, and she squeezed the hand that she still held in hers. "Tell me which books you brought with you."

Lucien's eyes returned to hers, and she saw the questioning look in them before he glanced toward his pack and nodded. "You knew I brought more than one?" he asked, and she nodded.

"I did."

"I see."

Elain listened as he told her about his choices. After several minutes, the emotions reaching her down the bond had eased and become lighter. She could feel his interest in the topics he talked about, and that pleased her. She sat, enjoying his easy conversation for much of the afternoon, until the sun began to set and they were summoned for dinner.

Author's Note:

Let me know what you think!