Chapter 30

She was still curled up against him, her head on his chest, and Lucien was scared to move. When he had noticed that Elain had fallen asleep on him the previous night, he had been pleased. He hadn't dared shift her, afraid of waking her, although he hadn't been sure about if he should stay on the bed or not. In the end, he hadn't had the strength to force himself to relinquish his position with Elain resting against him, and had instead sent a bolt of his power into the fireplace, ensuring the room would be warm enough for the rest of the night so they wouldn't need the bedcovers that were currently trapped beneath them. He'd known he was being weak, but he didn't care. Elain had willingly settled against him, trusting him enough to fall asleep on him, and he wasn't giving that up.

Turning his head to look at her, Lucien smiled. She had been right, he realised. If anyone knew what it was like to have their whole existence turned upside down, it was probably the mortal girl who had been made fae. He wasn't naïve enough to think that his situation in any way compared to the trauma of her change, but he was glad to know that she wouldn't just dismiss the inner turmoil that he was experiencing. He had thought about it all night, and he still didn't know exactly what he thought or felt about the whole thing. His whole identity had centred around being a son of Autumn, and on having left that behind to find something else. Yet, that had never truly been who he was. He hadn't left behind the court of his father, the court of his blood. He'd only ever been to the Day Court a handful of times as Tamlin's emissary and, while he had liked it well enough, he had never considered it for a home.

When Elain tilted her head slightly, he felt her next breath across his neck and he shivered. He didn't know how he had managed it, sleeping next to her all night while keeping his hands to himself. Perhaps, he supposed, it was because he didn't have to let her go. He knew that he had her here with him, and that she wouldn't be going anywhere. She was even still wearing the garnet necklace he had given her yesterday. Glancing down at it, a single thought went through his mind. Mine.

His heartrate increased at the thought and Elain's brown eyes opened and peered up at him. "Oh…" she murmured, pushing herself up on one elbow, and Lucien wrapped an arm around her so that she wouldn't be able to get too far away. "Did we sleep like this all night…?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry…" she breathed, "I didn't mean to…"

"I'm not complaining, Petal." He grinned at her, but she shook her head.

"I didn't mean to tease you, or make it hard for you… but, thank you… for not…" Lucien lifted a hand to her cheek and she stopped. Her eyes widened as she looked back at him. "Did you sleep well?" she asked, and he nodded. "Do you feel okay?" he nodded again and she smiled after a moment. "If it was cruel, I'm sorry…"

"Stop…" he breathed, his hand still at her cheek, "It wasn't cruel. I loved it."

"Didn't you want…"

"Of course I did." He said, trying to read the look that moved through her eyes, "But, having you here, where I could touch you, worked just as well as that night in the kitchen. Focusing on that was enough." She blinked, looking at him and if Lucien didn't know better he would have thought she was disappointed. Did she want him to want her? If so, he'd show her that he did.

Sliding his hand from her cheek to the back of her neck, Lucien pulled Elain down as he lifted his head to kiss her. The way she melted into him almost immediately told him he had been correct and he slid his other arm around her, pulling her tighter against himself. The small squeak she made into his kiss had Lucien suddenly rolling them to pin Elain beneath his body. She gasped and he felt her arms wrap around his neck as he pushed to deepen the kiss, one hand brushing her golden brown hair back from her face. Moving gently against her, Lucien let out a soft groan, knowing that she could feel exactly how much he wanted her now.

When Elain's hands tightened on his back, Lucien forced himself to stop. Dragging his lips from hers, he instead buried his face in her hair, stilling his movements, and simply drawing one slow breath after another. Her hold on him loosened and, after a few moments, he pushed himself up and off of her. He could feel her eyes following him, but he didn't dare meet her gaze until he was standing beside the bed, far enough away that he couldn't touch her. The heat behind those dark eyes surprised him and, when he drew a breath, he could smell her arousal.

"Uh…" he stiffened, turning away and staggering over to the orange couch, sinking down on it and trying to force himself to calm down.

"Sorry…" Elain said softly and Lucien shook his head.

"No, that was my fault…" he replied, gripping the seat of the couch tightly in his hands.

"I wanted you to kiss me." He met her dark eyes again and nodded.

"I know." He gave her a small smile. "I guess I was kind of at the end of my self-control." And it was going to be so much harder to keep himself leashed if she had decided that she wanted him kissing her now. He definitely wanted to give her that. He wanted to give her more than that, but he would not. He knew that she wasn't there, not yet. And, until she told him otherwise, he would keep himself in check.

As Elain got off the bed, he watched her. He could still smell her and as he drew another breath her eyes flicked his way. The look that crossed her face told him that she knew exactly what had just about doubled his heartrate and she bit her lip, meeting his eyes. "I…" she broke off and he just watched her, not having anything to say in response. After a moment, she straightened and lifted her chin before turning and heading into the bathroom, closing the door after herself. Lucien released a relieved sigh, running his hands over his face. If she had have stood there any longer, he might have struggled to keep himself on the couch. It was one thing for him to tell himself that she didn't want him and force himself to ignore his own desires, it was quite another to try and maintain that control while her body was saying that she did want him.

With the bathroom door closed, Lucien decided it was safe enough for him to get off the couch and he got to his feet. Moving to his pack, he rifled through it, looking for something to change into once he had bathed himself. He tried to keep his mind off what his mother had told him last night, but found he was unable to do so. She had told him because she thought that he was safe, but was she? What would happen if Beron found out that she had told him? Would she be punished? He didn't know, and decided that it was probably better if he acted as if he did not know.

When Elain came out of the bathroom, smelling of the floral soap from the sink, he gave her another small smile before heading into the bathroom himself. It was still early enough that they wouldn't be late for breakfast, and he desperately needed a relaxing soak in the bath and to relieve himself of his pants which had become uncomfortably tight. It was fine. They had time.