Chapter 40

He found her outside, as he suspected that he would. He smiled and slid the door closed after himself as he stepped out into the garden with her. "Good morning, Petal."

She looked around at him and smiled, and he felt his heartrate increase in response. "Hi." Moving closer, Lucien grinned and lifted the small bag he held, watching as her eyes widened and she straightened, wiping her hands on her skirt as she did so. "Is that from…"

"Of course."

She grinned back at him and turned toward the blanket that she had put out under their usual tree. Lucien looked at it with surprise, wondering if she had known he would be hoping they might slip back into their old routine today. When she sat down he handed her the bag and watched her open it to peek inside. "Oh, it's got that glaze…" She reached into the bag and pulled a small pastry out as he sank down beside her. Handing the bag back to him, Elain gave him another smile and pleasant tingles spread throughout him.

"Thought you'd like that."

"Mmm… it's that really pleasant nutty flavour…"

He watched her take a small bite, her eyes closing as she let out a small groan, and the sound went straight to his cock. He tried not to think about the sounds she had been making last night as she had tugged at his hair but, when her eyes opened and flicked directly to him, he knew that his thoughts had been clear. A light blush appeared on her cheeks and she turned her attention back to the pastry in her hand. Lucien pulled another from the bag and began picking it apart in his own hands, placing tiny strips into his mouth every so often.

"I have missed this." He told her, and those dark eyes lifted to his own again.

"Me, too." She said. "Even though everything has been quite… interesting… lately. This was nice…"

"While we're here, then…" He wiped his hands on his pants. "Perhaps we should aim to maintain tradition."

"Yes." Her eyes moved over him and Lucien knew exactly when her thoughts went back to the previous night. He watched her eyes grow even darker and even the way she held herself changed. He watched then as she licked her lips with her pretty pink tongue before catching his eye and dropping her gaze.

"… Rhys said something this morning that suggested he… ah… he knows." Lucien watched her reaction carefully, wondering exactly how mortified she might be by that knowledge.

"Yes…" she murmured, wincing a little. "Feyre… heard… me…" She went scarlet, flicking a glance up at his face before looking away again. "She… put a little shield around the room…"

Lucien wanted to laugh. He knew, however, that Elain definitely would not have appreciated that. He settled for staring at the blanket for a moment as he tried to keep his face neutral before looking back up to her. This, at least, would lead nicely into what he wanted to talk to her about.

Elain knew that Lucien was amused. She could see him struggling to contain a laugh, and she narrowed her eyes at him. "You think it's funny." She accused. He looked guiltily at her, before running a hand over his face.

"Sorry." He murmured, "I know I shouldn't…"

She just raised an eyebrow at him. "I suppose…" she agreed, "if we had have heard Nesta…"

Lucien looked horrified, and it was Elain who laughed then.

"Elain…" he asked, sounding hesitant, and she looked at him expectantly. "Had… had anyone ever done that for you before?"

She blinked, shocked. "No…" she looked at him, "Why would you think that?"

"I… didn't." he said, shaking his head, "I just wondered. You… were engaged…"

"No…" She murmured, "Graysen tried to make me once…" She remembered him kneeling over her on a couch one day, trying to make her take him in her mouth.

A low, feral, snarl escaped from Lucien and she looked at him quickly. "…what do you mean 'make' you?" he asked and Elain blinked slowly.

"We hadn't seen one another for a few weeks." She said, unable to take her eyes off of his face, "When he returned he… he told me that if I had missed him, I would want to… pleasure him." The last two words came out as barely more than a whisper, and she watched something feral move behind Lucien's russet eye.

"And you did not…"

"No." Elain said primly, smoothing her skirts out as she dropped her gaze to her knees, "I did not. I told him that we were not married, and it was not proper."

"…we're not married." His voice was soft and Elain looked back up to meet his eyes. "I… I hope that you don't think that I made you…"

"No." Elain said quickly. "I don't think that. I know that you waited for me to make that choice…" She bit her lip. "It… feels different… from… how it was then with him."

"Fae marriages are not the same as mortal marriages." He told her gently. "And sex is… viewed differently…"

"It's not common for fae to wait for marriage?" She asked quietly, "I had always thought I would… but…"

"That's a very mortal thing." He replied, his eyes moving over her, but Elain saw no judgement there. "And, you're no longer mortal, Petal."

"No." she agreed, "I'm not…"

Pleasant anticipation and hope began to reach Elain down the bond from Lucien and she looked at him. He was watching her with a small smile, and she could feel how pleased he was. "Did you enjoy it?" he asked, and she felt herself blush again. "Last night?"

"I did." She told him, and his smile widened. "Lucien…" she breathed, something tightening in her chest. His eyes moved back and forth across her face.

"…you're conflicted about it." His head tilted as he looked at her. "Is it because we're not married?"

"That's…" she paused, not knowing how to say what she needed to. "That's part… part of why I am hesitant to accept the bond…"

The brightness leeched out of Lucien's russet eye and his face went blank. "I don't understand."

Drawing a deep breath, Elain figured the best way to explain would be to just tell him all the thoughts she had been having. "It's not that I don't want you." She said firmly, "You need to know that. I do want you." She met his eyes, "So very much…" Swallowing, she went on. "But that's just it… I can't tell if it's me… if it's me who wants you because you are you, or if it is the bond just telling me I want you."

She paused again, waiting to see if Lucien had anything to say, but he just looked at her as if he were a puppy expecting to be kicked, because that was what had always happened in the past. She struggled to swallow, clearly able to feel him down the bond now, and feeling as if she had been punched in the chest.

"I also…" she went on, "I want to know that you want me."

Lucien looked confused then. "I thought I have made that clear…"

Elain crawled toward him, reaching out and taking his face gently in her hands, as she looked directly into his eyes. "I appreciate that you have given me the time and space to try and work it out. And, I'm nearly there. I think I'm nearly there." She murmured, thumb moving across his cheek, "But, I want to be sure. I want to be sure that it's me choosing you… and I want to be sure that you choose me." She shifted closer on her knees, "I know that the bond makes you want me, but I want you to be certain that you want me. I want you to have that choice. I want to know that you would choose me without that primal force driving you toward me. You deserve that choice too. You don't have to submit to the bond just because it's there."

Lucien's metallic golden eye clicked and whirred as he looked back at her, and Elain wondered how it was possible for him to be even more handsome while he was thinking. Eventually he nodded. "I understand." He said gently, lifting his hands to take hold of her wrists. Elain let him draw her hands away from his face and she sat back on her heels. He was hurt, she could feel it, and she hated herself for being the cause of that pain. She leaned forward a little when Lucien suddenly shifted and got to his feet. "If you would excuse me, Lady." He said, "I need to think."

Elain felt tears well in her eyes as he turned and strode back inside. She could feel his disappointment, and his near certainty that she would tell him that she was rejecting the bond any day now. That was not the message she had tried to convey, but she figured she should give him a while to think about what she had said. He was not stupid, and she knew he was someone who would think on what had been said to him. Lucien paid attention to words, and Elain was sure she had used the correct ones to get her point across. Hopefully, when she spoke to him later, he would understand what she had been trying to say.