Chapter 41

Elain was dirty by lunchtime. She had knelt in the garden, pulling weeds that had sprung up since the last time she had gone over it and, as they day grew warmer, she had begun to sweat in the heat. Covered in sweat and dirt, she supposed that she should definitely bathe and change before trying to sit down at the table inside for lunch.

"Are you joining us?" Mor asked, as Elain strode toward the stairs, "We could have brought something out for you if you weren't finished outside…"

"I need a break anyway." Elain responded with a smile. "I'll wash and be back down soon…" She cast a glance into the dining room as she passed. Lucien was not at the table. Perhaps she would check his room before coming back downstairs.

After a quick wash, Elain pulled on a fresh dress of periwinkle blue before running her brush through her hair. She pulled her hair around over one shoulder and quickly braided it to keep it out of her face. On her way to the door, Elain paused, spotting the small book that Lucien had given her on her vanity table. Thinking that she might later speak to Rhys about which flowers he might like included in her book for the Night Court, she moved to pick the book up and slip it into her pocket.

Stopping by the door to Lucien's room, Elain knocked quietly. "Lucien?" she called softly. There was no answer, and she bit her lip. Maybe he had already gone downstairs. She knew that he wouldn't have ignored her if he had been inside, no matter how upset with her he was. Tilting her head, she listened for his heartbeat and, sure enough, it was coming from downstairs.

Elain had just reached the bottom of the stairs, when she saw his vibrant hair. "Lucien…" She froze when he turned to her, and she saw his pack in his hands. "… what are you doing?" she asked, her breath catching in her throat.

"I'm… leaving…" he said softly, and Elain tried to fight down panic.

"N-no…" She replied, shaking her head, "I… didn't mean to make you leave…" she took a step toward him, "Please don't…"

Lucien gave her a half smile. "It's not forever, Petal." He told her gently, shouldering his pack.

"Please…" Elain took another step toward him, "I didn't mean to push you to leave…"

"I know that." He said, adjusting the strap of his pack over his shoulder. "I… I think you're right." His voice was gentle, and Elain realised that her hands were shaking. She clasped them tightly before her, unable to take her eyes off of him. "I'm not running away, and I'm not leaving you…" his eyes moved back and forth across her face, "I'm not giving up."

"Then why are you leaving?" she could hear the hint of tears at the edge of her voice, but swallowed them.

"What you said to me." He said, his eyes meeting hers. "I think you were right. I'm pretty certain that I know my own mind… but, putting some space between us will allow me to clear my head and you deserve to know that I have chosen you." He glanced down at the dark rug between them for a moment and then back up to meet her eyes once more. "I owe it to both of us to be certain."

Fear gripped Elain for a moment. She pushed it down, trying to focus on what he had said. "But you think you are certain…?"

Lucien nodded, but then frowned. "I am." He said, "I would have come to you again tonight. I know it. And, I don't want to put the responsibility on you to say 'no', when I had been unable to say it to myself." He ran a hand through his silken hair, "If you want certainty, this is how we have it."

Elain took a hesitant step toward him, wanting to hug him, but she was uncertain if she even had the right considering he was leaving to work out if he even truly wanted her. Lucien suddenly dropped his pack at his feet and strode toward her. He came to a stop just before her and lifted a hand to her cheek, Elain just stared up at him.

"Don't take long…" she breathed and Lucien nodded.

"Maybe a couple of days." He replied and Elain bit her lip.

Slowly, she lifted one of her own hands and slid it up over his shoulder and around the back of his neck before she moved forward and buried her face in his collar. Lucien's warm hands came to settle on Elain's lower back and she squeezed her eyes shut when she felt him use his hands to press her to himself. All too soon he had released her and stepped back. Elain lifted her eyes to his to see him looking her over from head to foot as if trying to commit her to memory. As she watched, his face went hard and she felt bitter resignation reach her down the bond. Lucien let out a slow breath before he turned and walked back to the door, picking his pack up as he went. She wanted to tell him not to go, but she said nothing, watching silently as he opened the door and disappeared from her sight.

Bringing a trembling hand up to cover her mouth and stifle any sobs that may escape, Elain spun away from the door. Panic rose in her again and she strode down the hall toward the back of the house. Pushing the door open, she stepped out into the garden, staggering slightly as she moved down onto the grass, and she shook when she felt the moment Lucien winnowed and was gone. Lowering her hand from her mouth, Elain drew gasping breath after gasping breath, trying to fight back tears that threatened to choke her. She could feel the distance. He was further from her now than he had been in weeks.

"Elain…?" Mor's voice from behind her made Elain jump in shock and she closed her eyes for a moment before turning to face the blonde. "Were you co-" Mor broke off upon seeing Elain's face and Elain tried to force a smile, "What happened?"

"Nothing…"

"Lucien." Mor's dark eyes narrowed, "What did he do?"

"He…" Elain felt the tears coming, and could do nothing to prevent them welling in her eyes, "He left." Her voice was thick and she turned away again before Mor could see her cry.

"Oh…" Elain heard Mor take a couple of steps toward her before stopping. "Nesta and Feyre are both up at the House of Wind…" Elain just nodded. Mor's hand touched her for a second before retreating. "I… Az is inside, if you'd like me to send him out…" Elain nodded again. Azriel knew how to sit in silence and not try and force her to talk and, right now, Elain did not want to talk.

As she heard Mor head inside, Elain moved to the stone bench and sank on to it. Now, as the tears came, Elain didn't fight them. She just sat, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees, and allowed herself to cry. After several moments, she felt Azriel sit down beside her on the bench and she lifted her head with a sniff, wiping at her eyes.

Azriel sat still, his hazel eyes flicking toward Elain as she looked at him, but he said nothing.

"Did… Mor tell you?"

He nodded. "She said Vanserra left."

"Mhm."

"This upsets you greatly…"

Elain nodded, running a hand over her face and sitting straighter. "It's my fault."

"I can't imagine how that could be the case."

Elain let out a soft groan, her fingers moving into her hair, pulling her braid loose. "I hurt him." She told Azriel, "I told him that I couldn't accept the bond until I knew that it wasn't the only reason he wanted me. That it wasn't the only reason I wanted him…" She looked again at the Illyrian beside her. "So he left…"

"To prove that he does truly want you?" Azriel asked. Elain bit her lip and nodded.

"That's his plan."

"Why does this upset you?"

Elain drew a slow breath, trying to work out how to explain. "I… quite often can feel what he does." She said softly, "The bond shows me." Azriel's eyes remained fixed on her face, and he didn't move, so Elain went on as he let her speak without question, "And I could feel how much I hurt him. Like everyone else always has. I could feel his doubt that I would truly want him without the bond, and his expectation that I would tell him I was rejecting the bond… and… I can feel how far away he is now and … I…" she shook her head then, not knowing how to finish that sentence.

Azriel was quiet for a long time and then spoke. "Maybe he's right." He said gently, and Elain opened her mouth to protest, but he went on. "It hurts now because it's fresh." His hazel eyes met hers, "And, while I have no experience of the bond, it does heighten emotions around one's mate. After a day or so, I imagine you will both be able to think more clearly… and then you'll know."

Swallowing thickly, Elain nodded. "You're right…" she murmured, "He's right…" She looked down at her hands in her lap, and then back up to Azriel. "Thank you for listening to me." He lifted one of his own hands, placing it gently on Elain's back.

"It was my pleasure." He told her softly.