Chapter 89

Elain leaned back against the tree, her legs stretched out before her, and Lucien's head resting gently in her lap. As a soft breeze passed them, she glanced down at him laying in the grass, reading quietly to her from the book he had brought with him, before she returned her eyes to her half completed sketch. The tiny red flowers grew in abundance around the tree currently supporting her spine, and this had appeared the perfect place to stop for a rest as they had wandered down the south side of the mountain from the city. She added another detail to the petals, squinting at the little flowers, trying to figure out what she was missing as Lucien's voice washed over her. He had returned earlier from wherever he had gone with Varian in a somewhat pleased mood, and he had been all too eager for them to head out on their own.

Elain had been happy to go almost immediately, having sketched several flowers from the garden Tarquin had shown her. She wanted to make up for the way she had been last night, still feeling rather guilty for allowing her jealousy to take hold like that, and she wanted to apologise for what she had asked him about who he would have chosen between herself and Jesminda if the other female had still been alive. That hadn't been fair, and she didn't feel right about it.

They hadn't gone to bed angry with one another, or even upset. Curling beneath the covers together, Elain had wrapped herself around Lucien as had become her habit, but still she felt as if the conversation hadn't settled, and she wanted it to be done.

When her sketch was about as good as she supposed it was going to get, she set the book aside, looking down at Lucien's head in her lap again, and she smiled. Carefully, she trailed her fingers through his vibrant hair, noting the way the feel of it sent tingles throughout her body. His eyes flicked up to meet her own, and he smiled gently. "Are you listening to the story, Petal?" he asked, and Elain nodded.

"I was…"

"No longer?" he asked, and Elain bit her lip then.

"I… wanted to tell you that I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Last night."

Lucien lifted a hand, encircling Elain's wrist with his fingers as he brought her hand down to his lips, pressing a kiss to her skin. "You don't have to apologise for that…"

"I think I do." She breathed, "I shouldn't have asked you if you would choose to be with me or her… That wasn't at all fair."

"Elain…" he laced his fingers through hers, not releasing her hand. "You're my mate. You can always ask me anything…"

"It was cruel."

"It wasn't." he held her hand tightly, "I completely understand you needing an answer to that question. I understand the uncertainty…"

"I'm sorry I was jealous…"

"It's okay."

"No…" She shook her head, combing her free hand through his hair again, "I don't want you to be afraid to talk about her with me. You loved her, and she was important, and I want you to feel free to discuss her. I want you to share with me… and if I'm always jealous of her, then you won't be able to do that, and you should be."

Lucien sat up and turned to face her, and Elain met his gaze, feeling guilty. She watched him, able to see him thinking as he looked at her. One of his hands came up to her cheek, his thumb tracing her cheekbone slowly.

"You don't need to be jealous of Jesminda." He told her, his voice gentle as the light breeze caressing them on its way to the ocean.

"I don't know how to stop." She told him, "I don't want to be but the same thought keeps going over and over in my mind. If she were still here, perhaps your love for her would be stronger than the bond… and you would want her more than me."

Lucien's metallic eye whirred and he frowned, both of his eyes narrowing as he looked at her. "There's nothing to say that she and I would have even still been together…"

"You loved her." Elain breathed, and he nodded.

"I did. And she loved me." He replied, "But she was wild… she was impulsive and unpredictable." He smiled softly, and Elain's heart clenched, "She was the first to love me for who I was and not because I was the High Lord's son… and so I loved her." His eyes locked on Elain's then, "But… I have changed since then. Perhaps she would not love who I have become… Perhaps she would have grown bored of me… perhaps it just wouldn't have lasted all this time…"

Elain stared at him. "You can't know that…"

"No." he agreed, "Just like I can't know that we would have been as in love now as we had been then." He shifted closer to her, and Elain ran a hand up his arm to his shoulder. "But you…" his fingers moved across her jaw and down her throat, "My mate… I love you with an intensity I've never felt anything before… and I know it will last an eternity, because that's what being mates promises us…"

Elain felt herself grow hot at those words. "Really?" she asked, and Lucien nodded, his eyes earnest. Her heart felt lighter, and she smiled at Lucien as she shifted to her knees, wanting to wrap her arms around him, wanting to crawl into his lap. She wanted him to kiss her, wanted him to show her how much he was looking forward to his eternity with her. It was so comforting, she realised, to know that she had him, would have him, by her side for as long as they would live. To know that the love wouldn't just fade away until one day they realised that it had been gone for years. Elain pitied every faerie who had ever lived or, who would ever live, who would never find their mate. Even more so, she pitied any who did find their mate only to be rejected. It was almost unbelievable for her now to think that she had ever put Lucien through the fear that she may not accept him, that she hadn't wanted anything to do with him after the war.

"I'm sorry." She murmured, crawling into his lap and kissing his cheek. "I'm sorry for ever hurting you." She wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing her face into his hair. "Anything I've ever said, or anything I've done that has hurt you… I wish I could take it back…"

"Elain…" he breathed, and she could hear the slight laugh in his voice as his hands rubbed circled into her back when she leaned into him, "Don't worry about it." She felt his hands in her hair then, and she closed her eyes. "We have so very long to spend together making sure everything we do is right… and even if that doesn't prove the case, we can make up for it…"

She nodded, still pressing her face into his hair, her hands firm on his back now. "I want to accept it…" she murmured, and Lucien went so very still instantly. "The bond…" she breathed, "As soon as we get back…"

It was several long moments before Lucien moved again, his hand slowly tracing gentle circles across Elain's lower back. "If that's what you want." His voice was low and soft, but she could hear the longing in it.

"It is." She told him. "It's what I want."