Chapter 186

"Don't you want to stay?" Lucien looked at his mother who sat across from him on the long plush couch. Ashk met his eyes, her chin held high and he could practically see her forming her response in her mind. "Don't you want to…" he paused, "I haven't seen you for so long. Not properly…"

"I…" Sadness washed over her features then, and Lucien's heart sank. He hadn't meant to hurt her. "Now that Eris is High Lord you are welcome to come and visit." She said, her long slender hands lifting to take hold of the end of one of her braids. "He has said that you are welcome at the Autumn Court, and you could stay as long as you like… You could come for Mabon…"

"I don't mean a visit." Lucien said, shifting closer to her on the couch. "I mean that you could live here… I could see you every day. You could … see… " Helion he had wanted to say, but he did not. She knew what he meant, Lucien could see it in her eyes before she lowered them to look at the end of her braid being pulled again and again through her gentle hands.

"He has not asked me to stay."

"I… thought he did." Lucien frowned. Ashk didn't meet his eyes, still looking at her hair.

"It is right that I return to the Autumn Court."

"But…" Stopping himself, Lucien twisted his own hands together. He felt like a youngling, begging his mother for her attention. He had missed her in the long decades since he had left the Autumn Court and Beron had pretty much prevented him from seeing her except briefly on official visits when he had no other choice. Lucien wanted time with her, he wanted to know that she was nearby and he wanted to see her every day. Somehow he had fooled himself into believing that he would be able to have that and, now that the possibility had been taken from him, it hurt.

"I can come and visit you." She said gently, and Lucien looked up at her. "If you are staying here…"

"Elain and I need to have that conversation." He said and then, catching his mother's look, he went on. "I think it is likely we will stay here." His heart hurt, and Lucien tried to think of anything to make it stop. He did not think that it was reasonable to get this upset about his mother not staying in the same court that he was. He was an adult, and he had been without her for so long. And that was the problem, he thought. When she reached across to him, setting one of her elegant hands on his knee, Lucien met her eyes again.

"Mabon is soon." She told him. "Come and visit me for it." She smiled, "I have already asked Elain and she liked the sound of it. I even believe Nesta may visit."

"I don't know if Nesta is your most persuasive argument."

"No… but your mate is." His mother said, giving him a knowing smile. "Elain wants to return. She wants to see more of the Court, and I know that there are places you wish to show her." It was true, Lucien had to agree. He had hoped for more time in the Autumn Court to show Elain all the beauty of the place.

"Mabon." He agreed, and his mother smiled brightly at him.

"And then I shall come and visit you." She promised, "Wherever you may be."

"I would like that."

When his mother's hand rubbed his knee, Lucien glanced up at her face again. He watched as she thought about something before she licked her lower lip, and he knew that she was about to ask whatever it was that she had been wondering. "Has… has Elain's acceptance of the bond changed things between you?"

"Oh…" tilting his head, Lucien considered. "I suppose it has and it hasn't." he replied after a moment. "It hasn't changed what we want. That we want one another, and that we love one another. It hasn't changed that we're sure about that." He smiled at the certainty he still felt, "That is very much as it has been… but what it has changed…" he paused to consider for a moment, "Is the drive behind it." He bit his lip, "Before she had accepted the bond, I constantly had this need to get to her, to put my hands on her, to feel her, to smell her… I wanted to claim her." He looked at his hands, feeling his face heat just a little, "That has somewhat eased. Especially since the frenzy came to an end." He smiled then, "I still want to do all of those things… but I don't worry now that I will stop paying attention for a moment, and then find myself pinning her to a wall…"

"Was that a concern before?" She asked, raising an eyebrow, and Lucien nodded.

"Yes." He said seriously, "When I first returned to the Night Court for her there was an evening where she walked in on me in the kitchen… and it took everything in me to…" he drew a deep breath, remembering how he had lifted Elain onto Rhysand's kitchen bench, pressing himself to her, trying to control everything in him which had been screaming at him to take her. "It was only my realisation that she had been a virgin that had enabled me to control myself. I clung to that knowledge, knowing that nobody else had touched her, and that I wasn't going to let her first time be forced and crude on a kitchen bench…" He made himself meet his mother's eyes then. "The drive behind those urges was so strong. If I wasn't continually keeping them in check I don't know what I might have done…"

"You did well." She told him, and Lucien felt a spark of pride deep within himself. "For so long…"

"It got easier." He said, "When she began to want me in return…" Allowing himself a small smile then, Lucien went on. "When I got to touch her… hold her… it got easier."

"And now?" she asked, and he grinned.

"Now I get to have her every day." He said, "It doesn't need to push me…"

She leaned toward him then, and Lucien smiled more brightly when she brought a hand to his cheek. "You are lucky." She told him, and he nodded.

"I never would have thought of myself so in the past." He gave a rueful smile then, "It was worth it, though."

"You come from love." She said, her eyes on his, "How could you not have been destined for great love in your own life?" Lucien's heart seemed to swell at those words, and he leaned further forward, wrapping his arms around his mother before she could so much as react. When her gentle arms came around him in turn, he pressed his face into her fragrant hair. It had been so very long since he had gotten to hug her like this, and he tightened his hold just a little, knowing that with her gone again, he wouldn't get to do it every day.

"I love you." He murmured, and he closed his eyes when one of her hands rubbed gently at his back.

"And I love you." She replied, her voice soft and soothing.