Chapter Three: Gift
"Let me go!"
"She–is–hysterical–my lord! We must–lock her away–immediately!" Maester Brenett cried out, while father and the rest of the household stood and watched from the opposite end of the corridor. The maester had covered himself from head-to-toe; from a makeshift helm covering his face, to chafing gauntlets, which were seizing me by the arms – hauling me to one of the rooms at the end of Tyta's hallway.
My sister was dead.
And now they presumed I had whatever she had had.
Carelessly pushed inside, I was told that I would be observed for the next two days to see if I developed any signs of the sickness. It had not even been five minutes since her passing, when they had dragged me away from her side. No one had wanted to come near to mourn her, nor to comfort me. After, her room had been locked shut, with her body still laying there, until it could be safely removed from the keep. Her death had been meaningless. And when I looked into Maester Brenett's pitying eyes, I was certain mine would be as well.
"Have faith, Ayana. All will be well, I promise." He whispered his assurances, as my father yelled at him to hurry up.
Before he could shut me out however, I had to ask, "Maester Brenett? Could you not burn everything in her room? Her books, her notes – they are too precious."
"I–I shall try, my lady." He gave a stiff nod, shutting the door hurriedly – locking it with his jangling set of keys; cutting me off from the world outside.
A lone cot, a chamber pot and not much else lay within this hovel. No one had bothered to light a fire, so the little light that came, did through a tiny window. After the commotion outside died down, I remembered everything all over.
Another person, lost. And now this wretched disease was going to take everyone with it. I knelt on the floor, facing the window above, and prayed to the Mother – that she would at least keep safe my Shirei. And Walda. And Joyce. And me. Tears came naturally then. I was going to die. Dead and forgotten.
The silence made me sob harder, louder. I wanted them to hear me; to not forget that I still lived. Eventually, tiring myself out, I laid down on the threadbare cot, open eyed, listening to the quiet. I thought about that massive book I had been riffling through – that one chapter about a woman named Alys Rivers, the witch queen of Harrenhal, some Targaryen's bastard lover. I remembered folding the corner of the page I'd stopped on, forgetting how it always irked Maester Brenett. It probably still sat on the corner table of the library, gathering dust.
Evening turned to dusk as moonlight trickled in through that hole of a window. Every breath of mine sounded louder than before, and the more I noticed it, the louder it became. I tried to focus on some other sound. Usually the keep was so noisy that most of us were accustomed to talking louder than how normal people talked. So, to not be able to make out even the slightest peep, was unsettling.
Without the constant hollering of children chasing each other in the halls, the maids calling everyone out for supper, the usual drunken racket at this hour in the dining hall – without all the sounds of the living – this keep became foreign to me. I had lived here my entire life, yet I'd never once noticed that the river that flowed underneath our bridge, made sounds even when the weather stayed calm.
It sounded…similar to a gentle fizzle, as if one were pouring wine down a never-ending goblet. Lulled by the gentle hush, I could no longer stop myself from falling into a deep, dark slumber…
I woke up to find myself in a room much darker than the one I had been locked inside of. There was no window, nor was I lying on the moth eaten mattress. Even the musty smell was missing. No sound, no smell, no light. Just endless dark. Had I lost my senses? I tried to move, step by step, hoping to brush against something. But the only thing I could touch was the cold ground I walked upon. At least I knew I still retained one of my senses.
Suddenly, with no warning, the ground tilted, as if it had changed its mind and decided to become a wall instead. I flailed, trying to dig my nails into the slippery, spinning floor-wall, but failed. I began plummeting into the inky abyss.
In a span of a second and eternity, the darkness changed to a smoky, formless gray mist – the change in light blinding – through which I could discern some shadows. But before I could adjust to this change, the nothingness transformed once more and wind whipped my face, as I tumbled through thick branches, finding myself about to crash.
The crash never came. Instead, I landed perfectly on my feet with a gentle thud. And then, I was running.
My heart was surely going to rip out of my chest at the rate I was racing. Someone was howling my name behind me, in a sing-song voice.
"Ayana! Ayana! You can run as long as you want but I will find you. And when I do…"
I hated this game the most. Every time he offered to play with me, I thought we would play something else, but no. We always, always played this. Branches and fronds smacked me in the face as I began running off course, through the bushes.
I blinked and was split in two moments – I was running and then watching myself run from a distance.
Maybe I was him too.
I could see her now, leaping through a bush – hair wild, skirts in tatters. She turned her head to see if I were close, and promptly fell on her face.
I fell, hard. It hurt. My cheek throbbed. The skin on my knees had split open minutes into the chase. But despite the physical pain, it was the loss that stung more. I got caught. Again.
Climbing off my horse, I sauntered towards her, while she determinedly tried to lie as still as possible. She would never show me her tears. I knew as much. Though much as I enjoyed seeing her this way, a part of me felt something akin to guilt.
"You have injured yourself."
I wouldn't ever answer him. I would lie still until he thought I was dead, and left. Then I would run away from him, forever. I would win.
"I can help you, sweet. You need only ask."
Never.
As I pretended to be unconscious, I realised something:
This had happened to me before. This was not a dream. The realisation brought me out of both my younger-self, and him. Now I could see them both on the forest floor from a distance, as if I were watching a play. I could see it now – that it was my fight he revelled in. That if I had only submitted sooner, he would have lost interest. But how could I have known? When he had always claimed to love me. A time when his voice did not chill my very bones.
I was him once more–
She was feisty. Just like her mother.
Black Walder, they called him. Because when he raged, he turned…black? Never understood what the colour had to do with his temper. He was always so sweet to me – like sticky honey. He flipped me around to face him and began tending to my wounds. From this close, I could make out his one slightly lazy green eye. His sable curls remained in place – his cheekbones sharp and high. He resembled the knight he was.
"I have to say, you did better than last time. But don't ever think you can outrun, or outsmart me. Next week, you will begin with a horse."
Her puzzled eyes seemed to ask the purpose of all this. But I knew she never would do so aloud. She knew just when to fight, and just when to submit. She was perfect. I had ensured it so.
"And remember, this is our little secret."
"Our little secret." I murmured, as he gently pulled me into his arms, while I sunk back into darkness.
I opened my eyes where darkness loomed again. It had gotten colder since before. Still couldn't see a thing. I woke up in the same position as in the forest, laying on my front, but here the ground felt smooth, glass-like. Knocking on it with my knuckles, I heard the rap echo. I sat up and waited for something to happen again; waited and waited but nothing happened.
"Hello?" I asked aloud, my voice echoing back at me. Maybe this was a cave? Not that I had ever been in one before. But it would be similar to this; all cold, dark and empty. "Hello!" I raised my voice again, which was returned with more echoes. It felt as if my echoes were mocking me.
"Hello, Hello, HELLO!"
A clamour of my echoes called back at me. At the very least they made me feel I was in an open space in this suffocating dark. I was ready to yell some more, as soon as the echoes diminished to whispers. But they didn't.
Whispers from faraway. I wanted to move towards them but I couldn't see which way was forward. I focused on the source of the sound and started walking, with my arms raised, so as to not dash into a wall.
Closer, closer, closer.
Whispers…they were whispers of leaves.
The world shifted and changed again as I kept walking, shadows rising around me as darkness ebbed away, and I found myself walking into another forest.
Red leaves, a man sitting beneath them, sharpening his blade, by a pool of clear water, and a little boy sitting by his knees.
"Father, I am scared."
"What is the matter, son?"
"I…don't want you to die."
He stopped whetting his blade and set it aside.
"Why do you think I am going to die?"
"Mother said you are leaving. To fight."
A pained sigh escaped him, as he reached to brush the boy's hair with his hand. "It is true, m' boy. But I have to go, to protect our home, our family."
"But you could die. Someone could kill you in battle."
"Only if they are very, very good." The boy looked at his father's mighty sword, the one of legends, and looked back at his wielder. He was reassured.
"Will I die?" The question took the man by surprise. The boy was afraid, not of battle, not of his father leaving, but of death itself. How to console a child from something so unknowable, and inevitable?
"No. As long as I am alive, I will protect you. Your mother will protect you."
The man picked up his blade again and returned to his task, watching the boy from the corner of his eyes. He sighed a breath of relief when the boy became busy with his wooden toy-soldiers. Death. The boy had wanted to know what death meant, but the man had tactfully avoided answering that. His son was young still. One day he would discover the truth on his own, or find comfort in either his father's faith or his mother's. Till that day came however, the boy…
I blinked and was back in the dark cave. This was getting tiresome rather quickly. Someone had put me here; perhaps to torture me, or prank me. This had to be a game. The visions could be explained away by some concoction to make me hallucinate. Tyta's books contained all sorts of recipes.
"Alright. I don't know what is going on, but I am quite finished. Do you hear me? I want to leave! You've won!"
The echoes rushed back, morphing into a cacophony of strange sounds. Blades clashing, nails scraping against glass, screams of agony, howls, laughter. I smashed my palms against my ears to shut them out. The familiar silence returned. The longer this lasted, the more this place–this world felt…permanent. It was unlike when the world changed and I traversed through forests. Those experiences had felt more dreamlike. This–this felt cold, and hard. I could only conclude one thing.
Tyta was dead. And I must be too.
Was this it? Was I done? Were these the dreams that were supposed to ease me into death – into this place? I placed my fingers on my wrist to check for my pulse, like Maester Brenett had with Tyta, and felt nothing. So, this was it then. Submerged in complete darkness, having random visions of trees and past memories, with only my echoes for company.
Death was so underwhelming. What in the actual seven hells was I supposed to do now? I thought–I thought, in death you could reunite with the ones you lost. So where was she?
"Mother?" I whispered, so the echoes wouldn't consume my call and regurgitate it as loud noise, making it hard for her to find me by my voice.
Nothing happened for a while. But then, a gentle blue light began emanating through my chest. I could see! I pulled out the glowing thing out of my dress and there it was: mother's ring. It shone bright enough for me to see a bit farther away from myself. I stood up, stretching out my arm, so the little gem could spread the light as far as possible. It was indeed a dark cavern, as I had suspected, but either the walls were as black as onyx, or the cave was so enormous that the light could still not reach its edges.
But oh! There was someone…or something, shuffling. If this were death, then one thing was clear to me; being here by myself was much more terrifying than meeting with the Stranger himself.
"Show yourself, please. I–I don't wish to be by myself here." The world spun once more, the floor whirling beneath my feet as I keeled over and fell on my back. Black became gray and gray gave way to an open sky, awash with stars and a full moon. The grass beneath was dewy and soft, tickling the back of my neck. This was the darkness I preferred. Perfect amount of dark it was; eerie, yet thrilling. Anything more and it was suffocating. Trees and bushes surrounded me and I realised that all three of my dreams had had this thing in common–
–but before I could further ponder upon that, a soothing haze set in, giving this vision an even dreamier appearance. I was also not alone anymore. I turned my head sideways, and there he was.
"You were saying…?" He asked, splayed nonchalantly, his arms crossed above his head, and one knee bent and leaning against both of mine. Both of us faced the night sky; split with hues of black and blue and violet. It was a balmy night.
His voice made me giggle. "What was I saying?"
"How the moon is magical."
"Oh, yes! Don't you think so?" I looked around – the pond beside us was silvered in the same light that blinked through the leaves of the giant tree above us. The leaves, my arms, his neck; everything was shrouded in the pale gossamer of moonlight, washing out all the colours until everything either gleamed like pearls, or was shaded in charcoal. It made it possible to see just enough of him, as shadows danced across his face. Any more, and I knew he would not appear as ethereal as he did right now. "It makes everything more enchanting than it really is. Hides the ugliness away."
"I think I like daylight better. Everything is visible; nothing can hide. Everything is real."
"Well I like daylight too. I like how it brings out all the colours; the life. But be honest – Would you rather kiss under the scorching sun, or the gentle moon?"
"I'd kiss you under a snowstorm, matters not to me."
"Ugh, you don't understand."
He sighed. "I suppose, if I were being honest, the moon – it scares me a little." He shifted his head towards me, cheek pressed against the dewy grass, but refusing to meet my gaze, as if ashamed.
"Why?"
"Because it controls the wolf."
"You're scared of the wolf?"
"No. Control."
"I don't unders–"
His breath hitched, making me halt as he caught my wrist. He sat up, looking about frantically, curls and shadows still hiding his face. He bent his head towards me, cupping my hand in his boyish palms, and fear coated his plea. "Stay right with me, sunshine. I hate being here by myself." The boy who had not looked at me once, now met my eyes directly – and when he blinked, his eyes were blue frost–
–and I gasped awake in my cave, facing a pair of golden eyes peering down at me. What had I thought caves were again? Empty? Such a fool! Caves were never empty; they were where beasts resided, and I had alerted one right to me. The glowing ring, laying on my chest, revealed enough for me to determine that the beast had a sharp set of teeth.
Taking advantage of the cold and smooth ground – which now with the aid of the blue light I could see was indeed made of ice – I placed my weight upon my hands, lifted myself off the ground and carefully slid from beneath the beast. I shut that part of my mind which was wondering why the beast hadn't already chewed my head off, and focused on getting away. Managing to glide away quite successfully, I stood up ready to run, but found the beast merely staring.
"What are you looking at? Aren't you going to chase me?" The beast gave me a momentary look and began trotting away.
"Wait, no! Don't leave me!"
Echoing whispers rang around me as I chased after the beast, yelling at him to stop. I had no idea why I commanded said beast to remain with me, but I just knew, in my heart, that he belonged with me; my companion in death and darkness.
All of a sudden he stopped, giving me enough time to pour my blue light onto his entirety. First of all, he was indeed…a he. Second, he was massive enough for me to ride him like a horse. Third, he was a wolf.
"Do you see something?" He snorted in return, as if affronted at my questioning his vision. Directing his golden eyes at me, he turned his head towards the darkness, and then back at me, almost gesturing me to–
"Hey! Don't shove me." Nudging his snout at my knees, he forced me to move towards the direction of nothingness. "You are so rude, d'you know that?" Tilting his face to the side, he gave me that look again, right before he turned around and padded away from me.
"Thanks for nothing." I muttered to myself, as I watched my companion disappear out of my light's scope. What part of not leaving me had he not understood?
Walking this time felt more of a task than before. The air was much colder, and the ice beneath my bare feet was certainly not helping. My cotton dress was not well suited for these conditions, but then, it hadn't been an issue a while ago. This place had become more real; more harsh. Shivers took over my body and teeth began to chatter. Every breath inhaled burned my nostrils. No dreams came now, to take me away.
Was it possible to die after dying?
I stopped. I could not go any further. As soon as I gave up on continuing the wolf's quest, he returned. Huffing disappointedly, he knelt on the frozen ground, gesturing for me to climb atop him. His coat was warm and fluffy. Without waiting a moment longer, he burst into a sprint, with me holding onto his fur, as my legs bounced off his sides. He must have run for hours, or mere moments, but now I could see what he had seen.
A lone flame. Barely brighter than my ring.
But it was so warm. I could feel its heat, thawing me. It was strange – my back was numb with cold, but compared to it, my front was searing. If a flame so small had the capacity to warm me, then what could it be behind us that was freezing me so?
The beast growled, increasing speed. I was so very lost. Was someone after us? My back felt as if it were on fire; a sensation of needles prickling my exposed neck. All I knew, that whatever was after us, could be outrun.
And I could outrun anyone.
"Run fast like the wind." I pulled at his neck-fur, urging him like a horse towards that unreachable flame.
"The night is dark and full of terrors." Tyta's words rang clear in my head, but the night did not frighten me. This cold did – a threat that had creeped up on me, unnoticed – which made me mad at myself, for taking my surroundings for granted this entire time. No wonder the beast had been disappointed.
And now warmth was within reach; and if I could feel warm, then I must be alive.
"Take me home."
He howled and took a giant leap into the air…
Author's Note: Hello y'all. It has certainly been a while and wow has the world changed so much since the last time I posted. This chapter took me much longer (6 months) than I thought it would, considering not much of relevance happens here (or does it?) I want to say it will be smooth sailing from here on out, updating wise – but you know, it just takes me so damn long to put together a decent, flowing chapter that links well with the rest of my story. I have most of it planned out of course, but fleshing out individual chapters is harder than I previously thought. But, we persevere.
Also, how TF did this fic become so topical and prophetic? If I had known this would be the world we would be living in right now, I certainly would not have included a pandemic in this fic – that is not the kind of escape I need in my life right now and neither do you. But rest assured, it is a plotline for mostly time-jumping purposes in this fic so it'll pass in a few chaps – though the implications might linger for a while [should I put trigger warning…?].
Hopefully, I will update in a week or two (the next chapter is half-finished), so until then – Stay safe, be kind, donate if possible – and we shall overcome. Thank you as always for reading, following, favouriting and reviewing.