Yo! So, this chapter was an AN chapter explaining that I had to go on hiatus for a while do to some eye issues I was having. I decided to remove that AN now, but don't want to delete the chapter itself because these sites get kind of weird about sending out notifications when you delete and re-upload chapters.
Because of that, and because I already continued this fic in a later chapter, this chapter has now become a sort of...bonus mini-chapter. It focuses on Sirius and his past, though it's not overly detailed or anything. Sorry if it breaks the flow of the story or whatever, but I worked my ass off for this fic and don't want it taken down because of something as innocent as an AN chap telling readers I'm going blind.
Original AN chapter posted: Feb 21, 2020
Mini Sirius chapter added: Sep 8, 2021
Sirius had so many regrets.
Life had never been easy for him, not even as a child, but for a long time, it was the only life he knew. His mother and father were strict Purebloods and raised him and his younger brother using those ideals, and while he'd never really liked it, he also hadn't really bothered questioning it. And in fact, he didn't even think about any of it until he was eleven.
He met James on the Hogwarts Express during their very first trip to the castle, and they became fast friends. Sirius never told anyone, but he'd actually been a little desperate to form that friendship, and it was specifically because James was a Potter.
He'd grown up hearing his parents talk about a host of other Purebloods. They considered some of those Purebloods better than others, and never shied away from telling him and his brother all about the good Purebloods they were to associate with, and the bad Purebloods they were to distance themselves from so they wouldn't bring shame to the Black family by being seen with them. The Potters were in the latter group.
Sirius never really understood why, and nor had he really questioned it for that matter, but his parents always told him that the Potters were traitors for not following the Dark Lord and for not believing in blood purity and all these other things he'd been way too young to understand. And they'd told him about their blasphemous son James, who was the same age as him. They'd told him to keep away from him when he went to Hogwarts because they didn't want his family's idiocy rubbing off on him.
But he'd been so desperate to be different, and to understand, and when he realized he was seated in the same train compartment as James Potter, he jumped at the chance to befriend this 'traitorous blasphemer'. Luckily for him, James was just as eager to be friends, albeit, for different reasons.
When he was being Sorted, Sirius practically begged the Hat to put him into any House other than Slytherin, though he wasn't actually expecting to end up anywhere other than that. The only reason he even wanted to end up somewhere else was because of his parents, of course. They'd threatened to punish him if he got Sorted anywhere else, and when he'd asked how he had any influence over the Hat, his parents punished him for 'talking back'.
Even though he didn't think there was anything he could actually do, and fully expected himself to end up in Slytherin, he still begged anyway. And he was more than a little surprised to hear the hat call out Gryffindor instead. Yes, it was surprising, but it was also a huge relief.
James ended up in Gryffindor too, and Sirius was glad about it because all it meant was that their brief friendship from the train could continue. He couldn't tell his parents about it-and nor was he ever going to, but he was definitely going to do what he could to keep it going. His parents still found out, of course, but it wasn't because he told them. There were plenty of 'good Purebloods' in the castle who didn't know how to mind their own business, after all.
Things only got better when Remus and Peter joined them, and he knew his parents would hate all of them. That just made him happy, honestly. Anything to go against what his parents were preaching.
And in fact, he changed a lot about himself because of that very thing. He didn't want to have anything to do with his parents, his family in general, and the things they believed in, so he changed everything.
He changed the way he talked, and he changed the way he worked, and he changed the way he listened, among a few other things. It wasn't the easies thing to do, since he'd been raised in a very specific way, but he put on a rebellious act whenever he could, even when all of his instincts were screaming at him no to.
He talked back more than he'd ever dared to before, and misbehaved too, landing him in detention after detention, though James pretty much always joined him in these. He never tried to fail his classes, but he never tried anywhere near as hard as his parents would've wanted him to. Once again though, James was pretty much equal with him in that regard-they really did frustrate Remus with their neglect when it came to studying.
But though he came to see James as his best friend, and even a brother of sorts, Sirius found that he was also somewhat jealous of him.
James was a Pureblood too, but his life seemed so...carefree in comparison. His parents loved and supported him, and they never even raised their voices, let alone their hands or wands against him. They never punished him with Blood Quills either, though he'd never told his friends about that bit. They didn't push their ideals on him, though they did encourage it, and those ideals were better in general too.
Why did some people have it so easy?
His care for his friends increased over the years, but his jealousy of James grew too. Sirius knew it was all his own issue and had nothing to do with James himself, so he never said or did anything to let that jealousy show. Even then though, he knew Remus saw right through him.
Remus was the only other one in their group who had things rough, though it was in a very different way than he did. Sirius knew he could never really understand it, but it couldn't be easy to be a werewolf.
Maybe knowing that Remus was suffering too was what made him open up to him a bit. They were sixteen at the time, and he'd run away from home, having had enough of what his parents were doing, and had spent the summer with James and his parents instead. And seeing the difference on a daily basis, seeing how much better James was treated by his parents just made him feel worse.
He'd never even felt this jealous of his own brother, because even though Regulus believed in and followed their parents, he'd had to suffer too. He just handled it in a different way than Sirius did. Where Sirius preferred to rebel against it all, his brother embraced everything, hoping that doing so would make their parents appreciate and encourage and care for him. Sirius didn't have the heart to tell his brother that it would never really be enough for their parents.
That was something he regretted.
But he told Remus all of this. He told Remus everything. And Remus listened to him, and sympathized with him, and told him about the problems that existed within his own household, though he admitted that it wasn't exactly what Sirius was going through.
He was glad for it anyway. Glad to hear it all. Glad that there was someone who understood even a little bit. Peter wouldn't understand, and he wasn't sure if James would either.
Sirius never told James the whole truth, but there were days when he wished he did. When James started dating Lily, he wished he could tell him why he would never be able to date the one he cared for as freely. When James became an auror immediately after leaving Hogwarts, he wished he could tell him why he hesitated so much before doing the same. When James married Lily, he wished he could tell him why he spent half the night glued to Remus' side. When James told him Lily was expecting, he wished he could tell him why he could never risk having children himself.
And what made it all worse in some ways was that Sirius knew his brother was still suffering too. Regulus did everything to make their parents proud, even joining the Dark Lord's ranks as a Death Eater, but all they did was ask for more. He wanted to shake them and question what more they could possibly want from Regulus. What more could Regulus possibly give them? What more could Regulus possibly sacrifice for them?
But he didn't ask, and instead he just kept away and focused more on James, and Lily, and Remus, and Peter. Because what else could he do? What else was there to do? He joined the Order of the Phoenix, and he fought against the Dark, and there was a large part of him that prayed he would never come face to face with his brother, because even though their paths differed so much, he still cared, and somewhere deep down, he knew his brother cared too.
But he never told Regulus that he cared. Remus told him to write to him at least, but he never did. That was another regret he had.
He thought things would be better once the girls were born. Rose and Violet, so tiny and cute. Rose was his goddaughter, and Violet was Remus', but he didn't favour one over the other. He couldn't. He wasn't like his parents, even though he knew in the end, his parents hadn't really cared for him or Regulus beyond what influence they could bring the Black family.
But he tried not to think about it. When he wasn't working, and when he wasn't off on missions for the Order, Sirius spent as much time as he could with the Potter family, doting on the two little girls. He had to make sure they didn't grow up like him and his brother. Lily felt the same way, having had a rift with her sister that was created in childhood that had only recently been mended.
They had to make sure these girls stayed together.
But then it all went to hell when Voldemort attacked. He killed James, and he killed Lily, and he'd tried to kill the twins too, though he'd fortunately failed to do it. Sirius didn't even have time to mourn. The instant he found out about the attack, he understood what happened. They'd been sold out, and he knew exactly who was behind it too.
All he saw was red.
He flew into a blind rage. He'd always had problems with his temper. He wasn't thinking about James, or Lily, or Rose, or Violet, or even Remus. All he could think about was getting hold of Peter and tearing him limb from limb for this betrayal.
He regretted that too.
With revenge clouding his mind, he didn't even think about Peter escaping until it was already too late. And when the rat scurried away, he stood there in the street laughing because it was the only thing he could really even do. It was like something broke in his brain that day.
He laughed the whole time he was being hauled away, all the way up until he was locked inside a cell in Azkaban. And then he finally fell silent.
It was all over. There was nothing else he could do. He had so many regrets in this short life. Regrets about his parents, his brother, his friends, the girls, and so many other things. And every single one of those regrets was going to die in that cage with him.
But even though he knew that, Sirius never gave up on the thought of revenge either. It was selfish, he knew, because he really should have been thinking about the two little girls who'd been left orphans, and he should have been thinking about Remus, who'd lost everyone he loved. And yet, instead of them, he thought of Peter, and all the terrible things he would do to him if he ever got his hands on him.
Maybe not all of his parents' teachings were horrible.
But then he got out. Twelve torturous years later, he managed to escape. And during his hunt for Peter, he decided he had to see Rose and Violet too. He had to.
Sirius wasn't going to add yet another regret to his already long list.
That's that. Hope it was okay. Sorry it isn't a proper chapter.