Sunday 1 October 2006, Glastonbury, England
"If it wasn't enough that I'd had the shock of Croix getting extremely angry because Woodward had chosenme to be the witch with Claiomh Solais, things could get even worse and they did, when I was doing anotherof my performances, I was even feeling happy for a while, showing everyone the first word, only it didn't domuch good, since without Croix the stage effects weren't of the same quality and my audience found itself ina greater decline than I had gained earlier in the summer, a decline was beginning there and Alan seemedintent on that."
Wow, the people here weren't impressed by the first word, the lack of Croix only makes things more complicated, I thought the ShinyArc would give me an extra breath, the worst thing is that without Croix I can't have the same ability as before to get attention, she's still not talking to me and Alan has sacked her. I even see some clapping, but the stands are much emptier than before, that's too bad, what used to be full is now full of holes, I take a deep breath and head for the dressing room, a little frustrated, I know I'm going to hear a bomb coming from Alan.
"Seriously Chariot, look at this, how can you not maintain the quality, I even got a replacement to take Croix's place and you still can't deliver the same thing, we're having a drop in audiences and money like this" As if he's not even responsible for all this isn't he.
"I've already said that she doesn't have the same ability as Croix, she can't do the effects as well, apart from the fact that Croix did the work of many for just one, you forced us into this, how are we going to get more if this is happening?" He doesn't even seem to listen to me, all he cares about is money.
"I'm tired of all this too, you've been useful enough, I think I'm going to have to tell you that it's the end of our contract, I'll break it myself and you won't have to pay your fine, you'll be very unprofitable for me" I turn to him in shock, how can he make a decision like that? This is absurd.
"How can you do that? I wasn't even consulted, I didn't even have a chance to talk to you and your motives seem pretty silly, what do you mean I'm not useful? I can't organise the performances on my own, I'm underage, I don't have any money" I say to him, who shrugs his shoulders and doesn't seem to care.
"That's your problem girl, you're the one who wanted to venture out with Shiny Chariot, you didn't read the contract conditions properly and you danced, I've done what I had to do for now, you've been very profitable, but I still have a lot of people to use, unless you want an extra condition so we can continue the contract" He's got very strange eyes.
"And what condition is that?" I'm getting desperate.
"I'll even organise things so that Croix can come back and the presentations too, but without being his manager, but for that the condition is that you and your girlfriend pay me private visits, if you know what I mean" What's he trying to imply? I'm confused.
"I don't understand anything" I say confused.
"You were born yesterday girl, the condition is in yourself and your girlfriend with their bodies, if they're mine like that I can make an exception, but that's not for anyone to know" I blush a little.
"I'd rather not perform, get out of here soon, don't disturb me you bastard" I even get angry and he shrugs his shoulders.
"You're the one who has to leave, these things came out of my pocket, you're very ungrateful, shame on you, change your clothes and go back to your school, all this stuff you've got isn't yours, it came out of my pocket and will be sold, only your brand as a Chariot will remain, only by then it's too late to chase it" He even laughs.
When I left I was very depressed, even a little scared, the way he spoke to me about my body frightened me, I even tried to change more hidden, maybe he was watching me change, apart from the way he spoke to me about the two of us he seemed to be thirsty, I wanted to punch him in the face, nobody objectifies Croix like that and me too.
I got changed, but I was holding back the tears, this is tremendously unfair, after doing everything, I've put in the effort and all he's done is scrap my performances to have a reason to work for me, I've put in the effort and now things are being thrown away. I leave the stage, see that there's a small queue of fans watching me and try to smile and wave.
"All right, now get back to school girl, I can give you a lift there" said the bastard and I picked up my broom.
"No, I'd rather go on my own" I'm not going to say any more because I don't want to break the moment that my fans are around.
I go flying past everyone with the broom, trying to hide my face, I even see the square at the back, but I decide to go to The Last Wednesday Society, when I go in I see that Chum is still working and I go and sit down in one of the seats, which I'm very embarrassed about, and he soon comes to see me, worried.
"So, Chariot, you seem pretty down lately, has anything happened?" He asks.
"I've just been through worse, man, bad thing after bad thing, now this is the last straw, I just wanted something to forget about it" I say, crying, and he looks a little worried.
"Oh Chariot, tell me more if you can, I heard that you had a fight with Croix, it must have been a bad one by the looks of it" I just keep snorting.
"It wasn't just that, apart from my relationship with her going down the drain, worse things happened, my fucking manager sacked me, that bastard was sucking up all my money and had the nerve to leave" I say all down.
"Look, I don't have anything that can help with this, maybe a sandwich made with love, but we can talk, this will all pass" I hit the table crying and get up, already a little fed up.
"No! I don't want that, I'm sorry Chum, but I need some time alone" I say sullenly.
I come out of the shop where Chum works and my head is weak, my tears are still falling a lot as I walk, I think I've become a little isolated, I arrive in an alley, I reach for my pocket and well, my hands are shaking, which I make a point of lighting a cigarette, the moment I put it in my mouth I feel an enormous relief.
The smoke drifting down my lungs in that alley, the tears falling to the ground, I think that's what I need, so I get relief little by little, my breath becomes full of nicotine, my head feels a little relieved, but it's not enough, one cigarette didn't help at all, I throw it on the ground angrily and step on the cigarette butt.
"Not a thing! Not a thing! Not even that works!" I say angrily, picking up another one to light.
"Look, it sounds like someone's smoking, I wasn't expecting that" That voice... I look up and just see Croix in the alley watching me, so I throw another cigarette on the ground feeling ashamed, nobody had caught me smoking before.
"What are you doing here?" I say, clenching my fists in fright.
"Laura and Bernadette's baby really does have a dark little secret, doesn't she? I didn't expect someone like you to do this, who knew, it's unexpected" I even stop smoking and glare at her.
"What are you going to do? Tell them?" I say as if I'm showing some confidence.
"You're as frightened as if you were prey being caught in a trap, a thief being caught in the act by the police, I feel your guilt coming from here, every time you have to put it in your mouth, your girlfriend, your fake mums, they'd be really disappointed to hear about it, but I don't want to talk about it, although it would be interesting to see you begging them not to find out" What she's trying to say, there's worse to come.
"And why specifically did you follow me today?" I ask Daryl.
"Oh, you don't see it, you don't realise it, I think your girlfriend must have found out and hasn't told you yet, but I'll tell you instead, Alan worked for me, the money you made from the gigs went into my pocket, that's how I profited from it, he kept part of it, that way I'd know your every move, which was pretty pathetic really, is that what you wanted to do? It wasn't much use, a stage entertainer, what a useless thing, you're a joke" I'm even more shocked, what do you mean it was her who was under the covers.
"And why would you be interested in putting a businessman in my way, this has nothing to do with money, the Cavendish have a lot of money in their hands" I'm putting her against the wall.
"Oh you really don't know anything about power, do you girl? Your mums want to let the Cavendish family become an ordinary family, I want them to go bankrupt so I can take their place, if Bernadette keeps it up I can take it for myself and then the Cavendish family's things will be mine and the family's power will be mine,
I'll sell everything and get rich, which I already have a little thanks to you, but well your usefulness is gone, I managed to get what money I could out of your success, but now I don't have much to do" I was a bit shocked, it's one thing after another, I'm even taking a few steps back.
"How... How can you do that? My mum gives you a comfortable house to stay in with your daughters, even after everything you've done to them, all this isn't just power, it's your desire for revenge, that's how" I say to her and she shrugs her shoulders.
"Most likely, I can't stand Bernadette being up there, but well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about, if you're depressed add more things, just smoking doesn't solve anything, alcohol also works, so you have something in common with your father" She even laughs as she leaves, I'm a bit shocked.
I even light another cigarette, which I can't process anymore, it was all Daryl's plan in the end, she's also trying to bankrupt the Cavendish family, but in another sense, but that's going to be useless, mum Bernadette has a lot more power than her, even if she tries to do it by force and gets a good amount of money it won't be enough to stand up to who was chosen by Beatrix herself to lead the family, let's see this was just one of those bluffs.
Anyway, life has its ways, I don't think I'm going to sink into alcohol, even though I'm depressed, I still realise that I'm not going to become my father, let the nicotine do its job, it's better that way.
[...]
I went back to Luna Nova, I even ate a little to relieve the smell of my breath, after smoking half a packet I think my head is in a different place, I'm even a little better, arriving in the corridors I saw that there was Croix, I looked at her from a distance and she looked back at me, we both didn't open our mouths for anything, we just went our separate ways.
I go up to my room, when I see my mum tapping her feet, I think she's come to see me, I'm scratching the back of my head, I must have been late coming here, but I wouldn't have bothered going to train.
"Look who's turned up, I thought I'd just hang around outside until I could start looking for my daughter..." I hug her, she's already crying and the tears are coming out.
"Mum, everything is going wrong, everything, things have only got worse" I tell her tearfully.
"Oh... Chariot... Apparently the presentation didn't go the way you wanted, did it? People must not have reacted so well to the power of Claiomh Solais and..." It's nothing like that. I tell her that she's going to hold me tighter
I just wish I was lower at these times and could cry with my head resting on something, but even so, this hug is giving me an even greater emotional charge, I just wish it would all end once and for all, because I have to go through these things, what did I do to deserve this? After the nine witches, we go into the bedroom and there are my friends.
My mum signals for them to leave, which they do. It looks like it's going to be a very serious matter, I can tell just by the look on my mum's face, she's become much more serious.
"You can talk now, tell me everything, I'm here to listen." She says, holding my hand and I nod my head.
[...]
Well, that's all I knew, I just didn't tell you that I've been smoking for a few months, but that's more because of what happened over time, unfortunately the pressure of presenting and pretending to be a product left me like that, but at least Alan's trickery didn't go unnoticed, I'm sure my mums will be very attentive now.
"Look, I already knew there was something strange about that guy, I was a little suspicious, but Bern insisted, his proposals seemed very unrealistic, but well, he delivered, since our help for you proved to be essential, but coming from Daryl? I didn't expect that, I thought he was just some crooked businessman" We're dealing with a much greater danger.
"Daryl's not joking, she's the kind of person we have to be careful not to end up with the worst of it" I say to my mum.
"We can deal with her girl, but for now the focus is on getting your head right, I don't think we can go to the second word if your head is like this, you've just been through some pretty tense stuff, let's try to make peace with Croix for now, I knowApril must be doing a good job with your girlfriend" said Mum Laura and I really hope so.
"I hope so Mum, I really do, I just want to be by Croix's side, I just want us to work it out, this whole thing ending over a piece of wood is getting me down more and more, I feel like I'm not worthy of having Claiomh Solais so much" I tell her and she strokes my head.
"We'll manage, she'll understand what's going to happen, how essential it is that we get along and work as a group so that Claiomh Solais can work better, well, now change your clothes girl, you look like you're in an old Japanese man's car, it's not enough that Alan's scumbag took your money, he's still smoking around you" Yes, Alan's scumbag who's smoking, that's for sure mum... What the hell, I've left my clothes smelling of cigarettes, I've got to be careful, that way she'll realise I'm the smoker.
"There are so many things that I don't know how I'm going to carry on... I just want to be able to breathe at least a little, I feel under pressure, apart from the fact that I still have to keep up my grades in Luna Nova, I have to complete the Claiomh Solais and now that I can't perform, ahhh what a bitch, it all just gets worse" I'm on the verge of crying, but my mum puts her hand on my shoulder.
"I've got an idea here, Shiny Chariot is going to take a break, April and I are going to develop a game and now you can be sure, our participation as sponsors is more active, I'm going to talk to Bernadette, she's going to inject even more Cavendish money into this project, we're going to expand, Alan only made T-shirts, so let's do more things, expand the market, so that when you and Croix get back to work, everyone will really want to see Shiny Chariot in all its glory again" I think that could be good, my head isn't the best for getting back on stage, I thought it was quite interesting actually.
"It would be better for my head if I didn't introduce myself" I say, getting a little less down.
"I had an idea that I heard Croix saying to April, she said these days, let's create a card game with Chariot cards, spread it all over the world, with the whole witch thing around, children will be able to learn a little magic without knowing, how some creatures and spells are, besides wanting to buy because of your face, the plan is still very active to help future generations, I know you must know yu gi oh, it will be something similar, only simpler" That's very interesting, I remember I used to play the Mahoustation game.
"If it's an idea that Croix wants to put into practice, I'd be happy for us to do it, it'd be great" I say excitedly.
"And you know how to draw, girl, that's why I spoke to you, you can draw each letter, and try to talk to Croix about it little by little, maybe we can get closer" said my mum.
"Well, I saw her from a distance today, but we just walked past each other ignoring each other, I could see in her eyes that she didn't want to see my face, it still seems that her dislike for me is enormous" I say very low.
"That's an exaggeration, she's probably still devastated by everything, I guarantee that by the 13th everything will be fine and you'll be celebrating her birthday together like the good friends you've always been and the light of courtship might come on, I don't think someone who loves you will really abandon you like that Chariot, if she really loves you" said my mum.
"Thanks for the advice, but it's not up to me, I just want to be well with Croix, that's my priority" I say to Mum.
"Your priority should be to get your head together first, then you can think about dedicating yourself to your girlfriend, I know it's hard to deal with distance and a fight, I've never really fought that hard with Bern, but I know what it's like to be away, I know what it's like, but we're here together to overcome our two situations" I even let out a mischievous smile, feeling a little less worse.
We even started to play a bit, after this conversation we're going to have to cement a new path ahead, since Alan has thrown away everything that was built by Croix and my friends, with all the love and affection we gave, now it's going to be sold, what a bastard, he and Daryl, they're the worst, I can't believe I still have to deal with all this.
[...]
It's already evening, Mum hasn't left, she's still with me, I'm even feeling a bit better because she's here, giving me emotional support, having fun with my friends, I think I'm a bit sleepy now after all this, tomorrow school starts again and I have to prioritise that.
I lie down on the bed and see that my friends are also lying down, and I see my mum coming towards me, and she kisses me on the forehead.
"Good night Chariot, I think I spent too much time with you this day, but you needed it, sleep well girl, and good studies tomorrow, I'll be back soon, I'm going home, bye girl" Said my mum Laura as she headed for the door.
All this support from Mum is making me feel better than any cigarette I put in my mouth, even some of the shaking has stopped, I even see my friends giggling at the affection I've received, I'm even a bit embarrassed.
"Look at Mummy's little baby" said Becca, laughing.
"Hey, it's not that big a deal" I say embarrassed.
"You don't have to mock Chariot like that, I wish I could have a relationship with my mum like yours, your mum is like a friend to you, she treats you as an equal, she doesn't pressure you to be a perfect lady, on the contrary, she lets you be who you are, she's also affectionate and I can see that it's because of her that you're more behaved, with a mum like that and Mrs Cavendish who's going to have to rebel" said Parker.
"My parents are considerate too and that's not why I stopped being a rule-breaker" said Leyland.
"So rule-breaking that it became a joke for Mrs McLaren" said Daniella.
"Ah, but that one is the greatest of them all, it's like comparing a baby to a hydrogen bomb, I'm still not going to reach what Mrs McLaren was and I don't want to, imagine having to pay for detention every day practically, get out, but come on Chariot, you're still mummy's little baby, your mum has all that pose, but she treats you all cuddly, I think your relationship is lovely" said the blonde who was even mocking me.
"Let's go to sleep girls, we've got lessons tomorrow, switch off the lights" I say to them and they immediately switch off the lamps.
"Before we go to sleep I'll just say that I saw Croix and even managed to talk to her earlier, but whenever it was about Chariot she would run away from the subject and try to talk about something else, it seems she's still pretty shaken up by everything that happened, I don't know how you still want that girl back Chariot, but trust me, better try to let go a little and move on" I shake my head in denial even in the dark.
"She's just in the shock of the moment, I know she loves me, her mum and my mum will do their best, soon you'll see Croix back in her room" I'm hoping for that at least.
[...]
The school day was very quiet, like any other, I didn't do much, apart from paying attention in class, trying to keep my head empty, which I already did by leaving the classroom, going down the corridors, well, I think I'll go to my room to study, the girls are going for a walk with their groups, now I'm alone again.
Going to my room, I end up again with the same sight as yesterday, Croix in the same corridor staring at me, I stare back at her, should I try? I must try, if I get close, she'll try to run, for the nine witches, it doesn't hurt to try.
"Croix!" I try to call out to her and run towards her.
But then she takes off running, which I stop and, frustrated, I don't try to get closer, I just turn round and try not to go any further, I think it was still too radical, I even huff a bit, still very frustrated, I walk on like someone who doesn't want anything, I even hear some footsteps, which I look back at and I still see her hiding.
"It's all right Croix, I won't disturb you, I won't go near you if you want me to..." I say, walking straight down the corridor.
I even shed a few tears and it looks like it's going to stay that way, but that's the way it is, she doesn't care about me any more for now, all I wanted more than anything was to be close to my girlfriend, but I don't think I'll be able to do that either.
I walk into my dorm very frustrated and then I see that my mum is sitting at the window and she notices my expression.
"Nothing, right?" I nod.
"Unfortunately Croix still doesn't want to get close to me, but that's okay, I can understand her" I say, huffing in frustration.
[...]
It's time for another day back at school, I think my head is feeling a bit better, but after yesterday I'm a bit frustrated, so I head down the corridor to my room, I think I'll just go straight, even seeing her like that.
As expected, Croix is still staring at me from afar, but she doesn't have the courage to get close, because of the nine witches, I think she's really going to get into this provocation, but now I'm going to ignore it, I'm not going to try to get close. With tears streaming down my face, I go to my room and enter it, where I see my mum standing in the same place as yesterday.
"You even got there faster, didn't you try?" I shake my head in affirmation.
"I didn't even want to try, I think she also has to appreciate me if she wants me to pay any attention to her, if she's just going to stare at me from afar waiting for me to come to her to run away again, then it would be better if she didn't show up at all, it's like she's forcing herself to do it, it's not even for her to decide if she has feelings for me or not" My mum even put her hand on my shoulder.
"Patience, girl" I try, but it's not easy.
[...]
Another day and once again she's there staring at me with those green eyes, it's the middle of the week and I'm just staring at her, if that's the way she wants it, then that's the way she'll have it, I'm going to stare at her until she gives in today, let's see how she reacts to all this, my eyes are even starting to water a little.
Her eyes seem to look deep into my soul, but I'm not going to give in, I'm going to keep staring at her, even though I'm crying, I want her to see that I still have feelings, deep down in her eyes.
Croix goes upstairs again, I even wipe away my tears, still frustrated by everything that's happened, but what the hell, why are things like this? What did I do to deserve this, well anyway, I'm going to my room.
"It seems like you've stayed longer today, but you haven't said a word, well our plan to get closer is working, you want to be close and at the same time you don't, you have to get those words out at some point" said my mum.
"When she puts it on I'll put it on too, I spent a good few minutes staring at her, I was even crying, my body already says a lot about what it feels, but she doesn't seem to care much about my feelings, I think that's it mum, Claiomh Solais is more important to her than I am" I say to her who shakes her head in denial.
"Oh drama queen, it's only been four days, keep trying and go slowly, I don't doubt at all that she's got her ear to the door of this room right now listening to everything" I don't doubt it either.
"Oh that she'll listen, I'm being very patient, I loved her and I still love her very much, but this thing about trading me for a sceptre that I had no choice about having is idiotic, we could help each other, I can do my best to be a match for her, but she still doesn't seem to see that" I say in frustration and I'm even hugged by my mother.
"You don't have to force yourself so much, girl, let's play for a while, forget about it, soon your sisters will be jealous that I come here so much, the girls must be making a real fuss about my parents right now" I smile now just remembering the girls, they really are funny.
I've really got to lighten up a bit, after all this, I've been through a lot, I'm going to think about my sisters, they must be so cute, so beautiful, think about that and also about beating my mum who just plays unfairly, it seems like she's there for hours testing the games to break my face, I rarely win anything.
"Well it was to be expected that I was dispatched by Alan, in the biography book they made of me it's nottold, it just says that Alan left for other reasons, but not that he was a big sellout and also Daryl's henchman,all of this was just a plan to frustrate my career even more, but well you also noticed that Daryl wanted tobankrupt the family and until then I didn't realise that she was also under the table planning to get rid of mumBernadette, that's why she even mentioned taking away her power and so you're in this horrible situationtoday, but well let's come back here, because I have to tell you how things were able to take a breather onCroix's birthday which is coming up soon, for a brief moment I was able to make peace with her and thatmoment was actually very good."
See you, fired witches