The second hand on the clock kept ticking, mocking him while he sat in the uncomfortable school chair. This was to be his punishment on the way to recovery. This was supposed to help and if he wanted to get better he needed to will himself to believe it. But damn if this wasn't going to drain him completely. He was going to die trying to cooperate with these new rules and regulations dictating his life…
No. He was not supposed to think like that.
"Eddward?"
Eddward snapped his attention back to his captor, Mrs. Davis, the guidance counselor.
"I'm sorry, could you repeat that please?" Eddward asked, trying to feign interest.
Mrs. Davis was an overbearing mother hen type of woman. And Eddward figured with his own mother mostly absent that she would fill some kind of void in his life whether he had a choice in the matter or not. Part of his probation for returning to school and stepping back into the real world was therapy and counseling, and a lot of it.
Every morning during homeroom, after his lunch period, but before he went to the nurse to take his medication, and then after the last school bell rang; he was to report to her. They were supposed to talk about anything and everything. This along with actual therapy three times a week and nightly phone calls to check in with his parents. Oh, the road to recovery was littered in anything, but loneliness. He didn't even have a moment to himself to think.
Mrs. Davis placed her elbows on her desk and interlaced her fingers before she rested her chin atop her hands.
"Where did your mind run off to Eddward?" She asked sincerely.
Eddward resisted the urge to roll his eyes as he crossed his arms and slumped back in his chair. For the first time in his life he was actually trying at something and failing miserably. Maybe getting better just wasn't his thing… no he couldn't start thinking like that again. He looked down to his wrist. The armband was long forgotten and in its place stood a few thick rubber bands wrapped around his wrist. He absently plucked one and then looked Mrs. Davis right in the eye as he pulled it again.
"Eddward?" She persisted. "Whatever's on your mind you can share it here. This is a safe space for you." She encouraged in her gentle mother voice.
Speak what's on his mind. The one thing he'd always struggled to do. Always something he needed, but he'd never had someone who wanted to listen. No. That wasn't entirely true, there were people- friends who wanted to listen. But damn his brain for thinking beyond thinking. Yes, she wanted to hear him, to listen to him talk, but she was being paid to do this. This was her job. Sure, she came across as genuine and caring, but that's because she was an actor perfecting her profession.
Just like he had done for the past few years. Wearing a mask and perfecting a role to the point where he didn't know right from wrong; up from down. He was back there in his tub swirling down the drain; sinking farther and farther and he was never going to be able to crawl out. The walls were wet and slippery, and that wasn't water pouring out of the faucet. It was a deep, red crimson color. It was overlapping at the sides as his hand burst out from under its murky depths.
His arm was reaching up through the water. His face was mere inches from the surface, but he couldn't break through. His arm was laced with withered cuts along his skin. All of them looked back at him as he accepted his fate. One final tantalizing gash started rupturing his skin. The blood shone in the light and sparkled as it rushed down his arm. He tried to scream; make it stop. Make it stop. This was enough, but when he opened his mouth to speak the last remnants of his breath escaped him as he choked on blood. His blood.
But that's not how it happened.
.snap.
He looked down at his wrist where the rubber band had landed. His skin was now red and raw with irritation. If he lifted it up he'd notice how it covered a once precious cut that had long since healed. If he were to look up further he'd see the gauze wrapped tenderly around his skin to hide the evidence of what he'd done.
It was supposed to be a shield; a mental barrier to help block out those memories. But he knew what was under it. He'd memorized every single mark on his flesh. Underneath was the horrible side slash he'd made in a hurry. That one wasn't very deep and it was almost completely healed. It ran like a haphazard road across nice, neat little intersections. And then if he ventured even further up.
.snap.
He was here.
Still alive. Still breathing. Still here.
He felt the cold sweat coating his skin. He swallowed hard as he tried to refocus his eyes on Mrs. Davis. She was also here. He looked back at the clock. The bell had already sounded some time ago. He was missing his first period of the day. He looked back to Mrs. Davis.
"I get lost inside my head sometimes." He admitted.
"When that happens, where do you go?" She asked prodding him gently.
He scrunched his brows in consideration. "It depends. I don't know what causes it exactly. I used to go back to the night when I was stabbed. It was always that night… until recently."
"And where do you find yourself going now?" Her voice was soft and easy.
"To the night I killed myself." He responded.
Her elegant eyebrows rose slightly in consideration, but not in judgment. Damn, she was good at her job. Eddward felt more at ease when she spoke softly.
"Eddward you're alive. You're here in this room with me. Why do you say you killed yourself?"
Eddward didn't know how to explain himself to her. How was he supposed to make her understand? But he wasn't supposed to make her understand. Her job was to make him understand himself. And he was more confused now than he'd ever been.
"I died that day. Well, a part of me did at least. Or… I wanted him too. But I didn't. I don't know how to explain it." Eddward's words weren't coming out as he wanted them too.
"You're doing fine. Just say whatever comes to your mind."
Eddward chewed on his bottom lip in consideration. His brain was exhausted from this session already. It was his third day back to school. The first two were hazy to say the least. He just kind of floated through his days and winded up in guidance more than he was scheduled too, but it was the only place he could retreat without question when the world became too much. Except right now when guidance was becoming too much. Now what?
"Mrs. Davis, our session ended over thirty minutes ago. May I have a late slip to class please." His voice was dull and dejected.
Mrs. Davis smiled, it was pure and genuine as she scribbled her signature and handed the slip across the desk to Eddward.
"I'll see you at lunch?" She asked.
It was an actual question meant to give him the illusion of control even though they both knew he was required to come back here. He smiled as he grabbed the paper and turned to leave. He opened the door and came face to face with Eddy hovering by the wall.
Eddward arched an eyebrow as Eddy shrugged against the door and fell into step beside him. Eddward felt a pang of anger radiate in his core. Were they really falling back into their old ways where Eddy didn't trust him.
"Why were you waiting outside Mrs. Davis' door?" He asked as they approached his locker.
Eddward opened his locker and grabbed a book to read during the remainder of his first period; if he made it there at this rate. Eddy leaned against the locker beside him and kicked his foot up to rest behind as his bag slumped off his shoulder. He looked over to Eddward.
"I couldn't focus in science. Asked to go to the nurse." He said nonchalantly.
Eddward sucked on the inside of his cheek in consideration trying to keep the hint of anger out of his tone. "Nurse's office is on the other side of the building, Eddy." He said as he shut his locker with more force than he meant too.
Subtlety was never easy for him and old habits die hard even after you try to kill yourself. Eddy was his best friend and he was trying to be supportive. Eddy also had every right to monitor his every move since he'd lied straight to his face about his actions in the past. But just a little leeway would be nice with all things considered.
"I walked by your class on the way there and you weren't in your seat. I got worried. So I detoured a bit."
Eddward nodded his head as he processed. Last time Eddy was worried he'd been right because he was lifeless floating in a bathtub. His head started to float away again. And this was exactly why he couldn't be mad at him though every fiber of his being wanted him too, the old Eddward wanted him too. He pulled the rubber band a little further than he usually did.
snap.
He absently plucked at the rubber band after the blow and Eddy winced.
"That works?" He asked, squinting at Eddward's wrist.
"Yes," he grunted, "no." He let his head fall back against the locker with a shushed thud. "I don't know." He sighed as he leant back against the wall of lockers and slid down to the floor. "It helps take the edge off. Keeps me grounded. It's like a lifeline back to reality."
He ran his finger under the rubber band against his scarred flesh. He rubbed it gently and he felt his old self peeking at him through the scarred flesh. The feeling of that cut. The wonderful, glorious precision that had crafted that beautiful masterpiece. But that was the old Eddward.
.snap.
"Ow. That last one looked like it hurt." Eddy said and Eddward turned his head to see that Eddy had slid down the lockers to sit beside him.
This was a safe space for him now. They promised each other no more lies or secrets.
"Is it weird that I miss the pain?." Eddward asked as he looked up at the ceiling. "I don't miss the person that I was." He added quickly, but yet… "But I miss that feeling. I miss that control and the release that came with it. That moment after was like pure solidified bliss." Eddward's face froze, he was saying too much.
He turned to Eddy, his face held him no ill will. In fact he seemed calm and relaxed. Maybe he was crazy too. Eddward lowered his head in shame. His existence was pitiful, why was he even trying to have a life after everything that had happened. He was hopeless.
He felt Eddy grip his shoulder.
"It's okay. I can't tell you I get it. But, you've never been this open with me before so that's gotta count for something. No one said you'd feel better overnight, Dee."
Eddward squeezed his hands tightly into fistes at his sides. "It's been weeks and I don't feel any better." Eddward admitted as he thumped his head back lightly. "They diagnosed me with depression and anxiety and loaded me up on medication to cure me. And yet… I still feel like a failure."
"Hey, you're not, okay. Just keep doing what you've been doing. Rubber bands and therapy and shit. It seems to be helping."
Eddward snorted. "You're better at this than Mrs. Davis."
Eddy interlaced his fingers to crack them and then rested his hands behind his head as he pushed back against the row of lockers. "Maybe I'll go to college after all. You can be my first patient."
"Gentlemen," a voice said from a few yards away.
They looked up to see one of the teachers, it happened to be the one that broke up the "almost" fight in the cafeteria between Eddward and Tom. Eddward didn't know him personally, but he seemed to give Eddward a once over in recognition. It was like a lightbulb went off in his head.
The entirety of the school; faculty, staff, and students all knew what he'd done. He was aware of the stares and the hushed whispers when he entered a room. How when he sat down people would avert their eyes ever so slightly, like if they lingered too long they might catch suicidal thoughts as well. He was a virus and this school was poisoned by their top student gone rogue.
"Why are we sitting in the hallway during first period?" He asked with no emotion in his tone.
Eddy laughed nervously as he grabbed Eddward's shoulder in an attempt to pull them both up, but Eddward didn't budge. Eddward looked up to meet the teacher's hard gaze. This school already had his schedule mapped out from the start of the day until he graduated. All the guidance counselor therapy sessions; meds from the nurse at lunch. This guy could fuck off, but he couldn't just outwardly say that.
"I needed a break from class, it was too much," Eddward said and turned to glance at Eddy, "Eddy was helping me."
The teacher looked him up and down and then let his eyes roam over to Eddy before he glanced at his watch. "You have until the next bell." He said and nodded as he continued down the hall.
Eddy laughed beside him and clapped his shoulder. "I don't think that dudes ever given me a break before."
Eddward smiled sadly. "Perks of being friends with the school's poster child for suicidal awareness."
Eddy sucked in a staggered breath. "Come on, Dee. It's not like that."
The bell sounded then and students began to file out of their respective classrooms. Eddward made a grab for Eddy in fear of being abandoned, but Eddy didn't even try to get up. They sat on the floor and stared out into the horde of students who passed by. They all seemed to steer clear of the two huddled on the floor. They received numerous odd stares and snickers as they sat and watched everyone pass by.
"We skipping second period too?" Eddy asked as he extended his legs out trying to get comfortable.
"Not entirely sure yet," Eddward started to say as something, or rather someone caught his eye.
There were less students in the hall now as the stragglers hurried along. But even in a sea of people Eddward would always be drawn to that one individual with a shock of red hair. A dark, forest green hoodie hid what Eddward knew was a well-toned and muscled chest. A familiar hat turned backwards sat atop a perfect face. A strong clenched jaw and unwavering eyes didn't even bother to look his way, but Eddward knew he saw them.
They'd yet to speak, so a formal conversation was completely out of the question. They had avoided each other at all costs. They were complete strangers and they still drifted further from one another. Eddward felt Eddy's eyes boring into his skull as his eyes fixated on Kevin.
Look at me.
Kevin was a few yards from them. His eyes were looking straight ahead.
Look at me.
He was almost directly in front of them now. Eddward could almost smell his cologne.
Look at m-
"Don't act like you don't see us, Shovelchin."
Leave it to Eddy. At least he had the courage to say what Eddward had been thinking. Eddward almost envied his friend, but he was grateful. All he wanted was acknowledgement. To know that what they once shared had mattered to each other.
Kevin's steps faltered and then he stopped right in front of them. He gave a small side smirk as he looked down at Eddy.
"Sorry dork, hard to see you down there. Didn't think you could get any shorter." Kevin said as more students cleared out of the hall.
"Fuck you. Hope you remember that when I'm kicking your ass later." Eddy said jokingly as he shook his fist at him.
Kevin stepped closer to Eddy and reached his hand out. Eddy's fist opened and they did a quick handshake and pulled at the end. A greeting, Eddward had watched most of the jocks do, but he, himself, had never participated. Eddy either for that matter, until now.
It was weird to see them like this. So friendly and at ease with each other. Hadn't it just been a few months ago that they couldn't stand to look at each other. And yet, they had bonded. Kevin was laughing at Eddy as they spoke and Eddy was joking with him.
Eddward felt his heart cracking.
How was it that even when Kevin and Eddward had been at the height of their relationship they were never this easy going at school. Even as friends, they had never been this casual. Did this mean everything really was a lie? Were they really so toxic… was that the bell ringing? Eddward was toxic, he was poisonous.
.snap.
Eddward instantly regretted pulling the rubber band as he saw Kevin wince, but his eyes never left Eddy's. Anger; hot and putrid boiled in his blood and radiated through his veins. He knew he was toxic, but he was working on himself and that had to count for something. But it didn't matter now. None of it mattered if Kevin wouldn't even look at him. He couldn't even-
"Hey, Dee."
His voice was like liquid silk as it floated through the air and caressed his ears. A symphony of violins all pirouetted together as his voice sparked something within him.
Eddward swallowed hard. Now he was the one struggling to meet Kevin's eyes. Eddward took a deep breath and opened his mouth to speak, but his extensive vocabulary had abandoned him in his time of need. His eyes slowly looked up to meet Kevin's and he instantly melted. Kevin was smiling at him. It was warm and loving and… too much. This was too much.
His fingers went to the rubber band absentmindedly. No, he could do this. Just a simple greeting. They'd shared more than just pleasantries before. He could do this, just look back into those beautiful emerald eyes and say it.
I still love you.
"Hi, Kevin." He said.
Kevin smiled at him and for a moment he was back on Eddy's porch when they talked last summer. Back before Nazz's party and that first night Kevin stayed over and before everything got complicated. For a moment they were just existing together in a blissful moment of… contemptment. He wanted to stay like this and start over.
"Hey, Dee? You still with us?" Eddy asked as he shook his shoulder lightly.
Eddward needed to stop zoning out. These meds were supposed to help him. He'd been bad before, but now. He felt like his mind was wandering every other conversation. Wait what was Eddy saying.
snap.
Kevin winced. Eddy squeezed his shoulder.
"I was telling Shovelchin he should ditch his football groupies and sit with us at lunch." Eddy said as his eyes locked on Kevin's daring him to disagree.
"I don't think Nazz would appreciate being called a groupie." Kevin said and Eddy blushed.
Their banter was refreshing. It was a reminder to Eddward that things could change. If Kevin and Eddy could be friends then anything was truly possible. Sitting with them at lunch…
"I have to report to Mrs. Davis during lunch." Eddward said solemnly.
So much for making any progress. He wasn't allowed to associate with society until he was cured of his unethical thoughts and impulses. So where was the part where he could have friends and a life. Was being sheltered and kept separate really healthy if it meant he was alone. Funny, earlier he felt as though he was never alone and now the isolation was devastatingly clear.
"She can't keep you in there forever." Eddy said. "Isn't the whole point of those meetings so you can come back eventually. Just tell'er you're having lunch with friends."
Eddward felt his pulse quickening. He was okay with walking to class. The passing period between classes only lasted about three minutes. It was quick enough and when moving amongst everyone else he could just keep his head down and almost blend in. But walking through the cafeteria, with all those people looking up and staring at him.
Eddward wasn't sure how long he'd been silent for, but it must've been long enough because Eddy cleared his throat. Eddward looked over to Eddy and then up to Kevin. Kevin looked unsure of himself. Or maybe he was unsure of them, of Eddward. Eddward felt himself shrinking in on himself.
"It's okay. We can catch up later." Kevin said and smiled again.
That smile was all Eddward needed to carry himself throughout the rest of the day. He went to get up and Kevin extended his hand to him. Eddward's heart skipped as he grabbed Kevin's outstretched hand. He gripped him firmly as he pulled him to his feet.
"Thank you." Eddward said as he squeezed Kevin's hand a little harder, he wanted this touch to last as long as possible.
"Yeah, sure. Don't worry. It's like I'm not even here." Eddy said as he pulled himself up off the floor.
"Oh shoot, I forgot how short you are even when standing." Kevin laughed as Eddy shoved him and Kevin let go of Eddward's hand involuntarily.
"Ha ha. You're so funny." Eddy mocked him. "Anyway," he started as he looked at Eddward, "you good? Cuz I don't mind skipping the rest of the day."
Eddward smiled faintly and nodded his head. "I'm fine, Eddy. I'll see you later."
He gave a slight smirk in Kevin's direction and began walking down the hall. His mind was racing along with his erratic heartbeat. He heard footsteps beside him and he turned to see Kevin walking a few feet behind him. He almost tripped, but he caught himself before he fell.
"I-I wasn't following you. My class is this way." Kevin stuttered.
Was he nervous too?
"I figured as much." Eddward answered.
They kept walking in uncomfortable silence until he heard Kevin stop behind him. Eddward wanted to stop. He wanted to talk to him. There was so much left unsaid between them. But he didn't even know how to broach that conversation. And was that even a conversation that was safe to have at school?
"Hey, Dee." Kevin called out to him and he turned to look over his shoulder. "I'm glad you're back. Seriously."
Eddward smiled at him as Kevin lingered in the doorway to his class.
"Me too."
As Kevin entered the classroom he noticed that his teacher wasn't in yet which he was thankful for. He looked over to his empty seat with no one other than Nazz seated right beside squealing. She was practically bouncing in her seat as he dropped his bag and sat down next to her. He put his elbow up on the desk and rested his head in his hand as he looked at her. He was sure he had a dopey smile on his face from the way she was trying to conceal her excitement. To anyone else it would look like she was excited to see her boyfriend, but she was happy for an entirely different reason.
"Tell me everything!" She exclaimed in what he thought was her attempt at being quiet, but she basically shrieked.
Nobody was really paying any attention to them.
"Nothing, just finally talked. I mean- said hi at least." Kevin blushed and Nazz reached across to grab his arm to shake him.
"There's more. Tell me there's more?" She demanded.
Kevin shrugged her off. "We held hands for like ten seconds I guess. I don't know if it means anything though." Kevin looked at her, his eyes hopeful.
"It means everything; he let you touch him. That's huge Kevin." Nazz squealed in delight as the teacher walked in and called for attention.
"I really hope so." He mumbled as he turned to face the front.