Until the truth becomes a lie
Until you change, until you deny
Until you believe
- Thirty Seconds To Mars, "Savior"
Alluka absorbs.
At first, it's just images: views from the airship, various sceneries from mountains to seas, lakes and forests, and meadows stretching all the way until the horizon. She finds new names for colours and new colours for names. Oniichan, how come water has so many shades? Look, it's so light near the shore, but farther? Sapphire? Is this what happens when the lake gets deeper? And do you see those trees? They look so… soft, I just want to pat them. And those ones shoot towards the sky as if they wanted to touch the sun. Are they so dark so that they can protect themselves from its glare? Oniichan, is the sun yellow? No, it does change during the day.
Sometimes she is filled with such delight that she laughs to herself, which makes Oniichan smile even wider. Like the moment that several large birds – she'll soon learn more about them – fly at the side of an airship, their white wings with red tips seeming to cut through the air without any effort. They don't pay attention to the vehicle, they know that the sky is theirs anyway – but then one of them suddenly turns around and performs a manoeuvre that no machine could ever repeat. The crimson tips of the feathers almost brush the glass, and Alluka reaches out as if to return the greeting.
The evening sky is the most beautiful image one can imagine, when the intense blue darkens to black through all possible shades, just like the earth below is covered with shadow. Alluka knows she'll never get tired of this spectacle. Tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and the day after that, she's going to watch it. Oniichan, how would you call this colour? Well, think of something! What, boys don't know about colours? Then we will learn them together!
When the round moon rises on the opposite side, Alluka is unable to make a sound. Her eyes are equally round as she stares at the milky orb and takes in the serene light, and some long-lost memory squeezes her heart. She presses her hands to her chest and simply looks.
She could look all night long.
"Alluka, are you happy?" Oniichan asks, as if it weren't obvious.
"I don't remember the last time I saw a full moon," Alluka whispers in response and then asks, "Can we stay here for a while?"
"We'll stay as long as you wish."
When Killua sees Alluka's delighted expression – in fact, Alluka expresses delight with her entire person – he is filled both with joy and sadness. He's happy, but this feeling is tinged with guilt. Every time Alluka's eyes light up upon seeing something bewitching – which could literally be anything – Killua knows that he has made the only right decision to show her the world... and simultaneously he feels guilty for having left her alone for so long. No, for having forgoten about her completely. He probably will never be able to make up for those terrible years she spent locked up; himself, he breaks out in a cold sweat at the thought of such a fate.
Alluka doesn't blame him – not now, but what will happen later? If, as time passes, she realizes how much she has lost? Killua can very easily imagine how the happiness in his sister's eyes turns into accusation. Who should she blame if not the only person that ever cared about her? Something like that would be unbearable, but he deserved it.
Yet, at the same time – when he tries not to analyse things but listen to feelings, and not just in a fervent hope for his own salvation – it seems to him that Alluka will never hold a grudge. Not just against him, but in general. Killua knows that, no matter what others say, his sister is a fundamentally good person. All things considered, he doesn't even understand how this is possible, but he's willing to accept it as dogma.
And when he looks at her radiant eyes, at the astonishment mixed with adoration, at her lips parted in a delighted smile, at her hands trembling with restless enthusiasm on the glass... then he tries to hide his guilt and focus on happiness, which is not that difficult, because Alluka's joy seems contagious. Soon, Killua is able to see the world through her eyes. Sights that he had previously taken for granted and paid little attention to if they bore no significance, suddenly come to life when Alluka's words give them form, as if outlined with a finger, and filled with colour. Mountains begin to resemble the homes of some unknown giants, meadows dotted with lakes seem to be a game board, and guessing the shapes of clouds turns out to be great fun.
At first, Alluka doesn't say much – she absorbs the world before her as if there's no tomorrow. For her, every view is precious like a jewel; it's something new. Alluka is twelve, but she doesn't know any more than a child half her age. If she speaks, it is mainly to comment on what she sees – and even more often to ask what it is. Sometimes she turns pensive before saying, hesitantly, that she seems to remember it, and sometimes, that this is how she imagined it. For most of the time, she just stares with round eyes, taking in the smallest details of the scenery – she can sit by the window all day and all night and never get bored. Every now and then, she turns her head to look at Killua and whispers, "Is it really happening?"
And Killua, although his chest aches, smiles even wider and replies cheerfully, "Sure it is!"
Then Alluka looks out the window again, pressing her hands to her chest, and appears to be someone who has received the greatest gift in the world.
To realise that it is exactly what happened is sometimes insufferable.
Alluka rejoices in the energy of the sun, reaching her through the glass, and the calm of the shade. She loves observing the twinkling surface of lakes and the bright ribbons of rivers. She is delighted with the lines and contours that the day brings out inside the aircraft and the moonlight coats with silver. It feels as if colours and light change the texture of the material, so she touches the same places over and over again to see if this is really the case – or maybe just to make sure that they are real. Everything around her seems amazing just by its very existence – and her existence here. Wood, plastic, soft plush, glass – and she among it all. Everywhere she looks, she sees something new, even if it has been known for several days already. She repeats names and phrases in her mind and is surprised that there are so many things in the world. She won't live long enough to know them all, but thoughts about life are meaningless. What matters is whether she will still be here with Oniichan tomorrow.
Sometimes she is afraid to sleep and then find out that everything was just a dream.
But every night Oniichan sits on the edge of her bed, takes her hand and holds it until Alluka falls asleep. His presence, his smile, his goodnight wish – they all give confidence that tomorrow will be at least as good as today because Oniichan is someone Alluka trusts entirely. And when his smile greets her in the morning, Alluka is the happiest person in the world. She expresses this happiness with a joyful hug, and Oniichan doesn't seem to mind it since he always hugs her back and laugh.
Each day, the airship takes them farther, and Alluka never ceases to be amazed at how vast the world is. Even looking from above, one can see only to the horizon, and being on the ground, one can see just a tiny fragment. Then, however, Alluka realizes that seen close everything will be more clear.
She takes her eyes off the scenery that resembles a painted picture and asks, curling her fingers anxiously, "Can we visit any of those places?"
"You want to go to the surface?"
"Is it possible?"
Oniichan gives her his usual smiles and says, "Nothing simpler. We'll get off at the next stop and stay there for a while."
The joy that fills Alluka is so great that she has no idea what to do with it, how to contain it so that it doesn't explode and flood everyone around her. Alluka doesn't know if that would be a bad thing, but it's best to be careful, just in case. So she only presses her hands to her chest – as if to calm her heart, that is beating fast and hard –looks out the window again and says nothing more. She stares at the forest below, trying to imagine each leaf and the feel of the bark of the trunks. Then it occurs to her that under the trees, there may be grass growing, with flowers blooming in it...
In the next town, Killua rents a room. A Hunter license has better magical abilities than the cards from Greed Island: it opens every door and closes every mouth – no one is surprised about two children staying at a hotel without adult supervision. That they pay in advance for a week's stay probably has some significance, too.
When Killua discovers that a small fortune was deposited by the family to his account – he has to count the zeros very carefully to make no mistake, although, in fact, one zero more or less wouldn't make a difference – he is initially angry. He want nothing to do with the Zoldyck family – and nothing to owe them; the most, he would like to forget about them. Then, however, he realizes that Alluka has every right to this money. So he presses his lips into a thin line and tries not to wonder who it was, exactly, that thought about financially supporting their two children.
If the money came from Father, it may be some awkward attempt of compensation. If it came from Mother, then the message behind them is clear: keep that thing away from us as long as possible, preferably forever. Judging by the sum, "forever" is more likely.
Killua promised Alluka that he would free her from the family that has never been family to her; if he has to spend this... some-llion Jenny to keep her smiling, the he will spend it to the last. His anger is still burning, and he probably will never forgive the Zoldycks for what they did to Alluka. But he doesn't want to think about it now, he needs to push away this anger and smile again; Alluka doesn't need his bad mood.
In truth, it's hard to stay angry in her presence when she stares at the hotel's décor with eyes like saucers – red carpets, crystal chandeliers, tall windows with velvet curtains. She strokes the wood of the carved railing, stops at the statues decorating the corridors, and contemplates the coffers on the ceilings. In their room – a first-class suite – she admires the softness of the plush sofas, the enormity of the tub in the bathroom, and, above all, the plants in pots. She sprawls out on a bed that could fit five people like her, only to soon jump back on her feet and look out the large window.
"Can we go outside?" she asks shyly, as she usually does... as if Killua would refuse her.
"Even this very moment."
He's rewarded with an ecstatic smile, and then Alluka grabs his hand, as if urging him on. At the door, she suddenly stops and, absorbed, slowly reaches for the handle to open it. But instead of going out, she lets the door close, before reaching out and opening it again.
Killua has witnessed this scene several times before, so he doesn't ask anything. The answer that he would hear, 'You can really open it...!' would once again arouse his murderous tendencies, and that is something he wants to avoid. He prefers to witness Alluka's joyful astonishment and believe that one day that joy will prevail and extinguish the hatred in him.
Looking at Alluka, he doesn't find it hard to believe.
Alluka loves observing sceneries, buildings and, above all, nature – but she doesn't feel ready to observe people yet. So she sticks to Oniichana and only casts furtive glances at the passing persons. There's so many people in the city that it makes her dizzy, so she turns her gaze to the tall buildings with large windows reflecting the sun and then looks at the small houses with funny decorations above the doors and windowsills with flower pots. Amazed, she looks at the shop windows: mannequins in colourful clothes, shelves with decorative items, and beautifully decorated cakes that make her mouth water.
It really does, so Oniichan buys each of them a large cookie, and Alluka wonders if she's ever eaten anything as delicious. While they are still standing at the counter, the saleswoman with a pleasant smile shows the other delicacies and gives each a name – and Alluka remembers, so that she wouldn't have to point at them the next time.
They walk the streets of the town again, passed by people and vehicles, and sometimes by dogs and cats, too, until they reach a large park where various flowers bloom and many birds can be seen near the pond in its centre. Oniichan can name them all, and Alluka is greatly impressed by his knowledge. It seems like Oniichan knows everything – even if he claims that he doesn't know anything about colours, for example. It's enough to show him this or that tree, this or that flower, this or that bird – and he immediately gives the answer. The tall one is a poplar, look how its leaves are always shaking, even when there is no wind. The one with the hanging branches is a willow, it likes to grow by the water. And there is an oak tree with acorns. The cosmos grows here, see how many different colours its flowers are. It's the same with the asters over there: they are big and small, yellow and purple and pink, but see, they all look a bit like stars, hence their name.
"And those ones? They resemble the sun!"
"They're sunflowers."
"Well, they couldn't be called anything else."
"And their seeds can be eaten."
"Really?"
The world is full of wonderful things, and each of them has a name. Alluka would like to look at every blade of grass and the bugs walking on it, smell every flower and run after every butterfly. Even the grains of sand on the ground amaze her. She walks from tree to tree, touching their trunks and memorizing the shapes of the leaves. She even manages to spot a squirrel in the oak tree, but she doesn't have to look out for sparrows, because they are everywhere.
Hunger drives them back to the town, but Alluka knows she will come here again... unless Oniichan takes her to new places that will capture her attention completely. The prospect itself is so exciting that the taste of the dishes in the hotel restaurant pales in comparison.
In the evening, just before falling sleep, she thinks how wonderful it is that all doors open.
Killua would like to keep Alluka to himself – especially when Alluka doesn't seem to notice, much less need, other people – but since the world isn't all flowers and animals, he knows he has to get his sister used to humans, too. Besides, it would be naive and conceited to think that Alluka would never need anyone but her brother, and while he's been conceited quite often, he never wanted to be naive.
For a start, the easiest way would be to take care of basic interactions with people around her. Killua – more than is typical of him – talks to the hotel and restaurant staff, always trying to get Alluka to say at least one sentence. It's easier with a smiling saleswoman at the confectionery shop, and after a few days Alluka already greets her happily every time and asks about new sweets. The same applies to the old woman who goes to a nearby park with her dog every day and always sits down on the same bench.
Observing her behaviour in these interactions, Killua makes sure that Alluka does not dislike or fear people. Both would be completely understandable, but his sister is just shy around strangers, and that is something that can be dealt with. As he always knew, Alluka is a fundamentally good person.
After a few days of gentle yet persistent persuasion, Killua takes Alluka to a clothing store. He doesn't care about his own outfit, but Alluka is a girl and deserves to look as beautiful as possible, while he took her from home in only one set of clothes. Alluka stares at the various apparels with fascination and for a moment she forgets that they are here for her. Then Killua tricks his sister into trying on whatever she likes – the staff is more than willing to help – and after some initial distrust, it all turns out to be great fun.
"Oniichan, does it fit me?"
"How do I look in this costume? Isn't it too bold?"
"This dress is beautiful. Can I have it?"
"You say I need new shoes? No, I will do with less than five pairs...!"
"Swimsuit? I don't think I can swim! Oh, so I can?"
"No, I definitely don't want a hat."
"How do you even wear it?"
When they return to the hotel with their shopping bags a few hours later, Killua is filled with more mixed feelings than he expected. First of all, he begins to realize that he is probably completely crazy about his sister, because when seeing her in various outfits, his biggest regret was that the store didn't allow to take photos inside. He would take a thousand of them to record how lovely she is...
Then he realizes he doesn't need any photos when he has the live version next to him – and he doesn't plan to part with her.
It's getting easier for Alluka to believe that the next day will come – and easier to fall asleep at night. If anything, enthusiasm sometimes keeps her awake as she goes to bed full of excitement... and hopes for tomorrow. She doesn't really want to sleep, she'd rather experience new and wonderful things, but Oniichan says that resting will give her more strength for her next adventures, so she has to believe him, even though she doesn't feel tired at all.
It's late summer, and Alluka thinks it's the most beautiful time of the year, even though she already has a feeling she'll think the same about every other season. For now, the days are sunny, perfect for various sightseeing, but most of all Alluka loves being outdoors. Every flower seems like a miracle to her, and every tree arouses admiration. She could spend all day observing animals. She is fascinated by little spiders kiting on their silk threads – Oniichan says that they can travel up to hundreds of kilometres, and Alluka cannot even comprehend such a distance and only knows that it must be very, very far when Oniichan shows her how much a kilometre is.
It's different with people, whom she still looks at rather furtively. As she doesn't experience anything unpleasant from them – people are no more dangerous than animals, and most of them make really nice impression – she starts talking to them with increasing confidence when the opportunity arises. People also amaze her: they come in so many varieties, sizes and styles. Old and young, in clothes elegant and casual, some quiet, some talkative, some in a hurry, some relaxed. However, since people cannot be learned about the same way that flowers and trees can, there is a distance between them and Alluka and they remain a mystery to her. Besides, she's not sure she'd like to know someone as closely as Oniichana.
Spending time with Oniichan is the best thing that could ever happen to her. Whatever they do, wherever they are, it makes her happy. Oniichan is so good, takes care of her and helps her with everything. At the same time, he knows so much and Alluka is never able to surprise him with a question – even about colours, because Oniichan always knows how to describe them, for example by comparing them to a plant or a gem. Turquoise, coral, amber – all these names sound wonderful, just as do lilac, maroon, olive. Oniichan says that her eyes are a sapphire shade, and to prove this, he buys her a small pendant with a beautiful, clear blue stone.
Over the weeks, the town and its surroundings become well-known – just like some faces become familiar. It's so nice to greet people on the streets and hear polite greetings in response...! But one day Oniichan says, "We should move on. We'll visit new places and see new things. What do you think?"
And Alluka feels her heart speed up at the thought.
"Are we going to be like spiders on the threads?" she asks. "But we will make stops along the way? Surely we don't have to fly hundreds of kilometres to see new things...?"
Oniichan laughs. "I think making stops is a good idea."
The next journey takes them to the seaside. The metropolis located by the bay offers a variety of entertainment, and it's worth spending here a longer while. As Killua already knows Alluka's tastes, they stay in a quiet neighbourhood on the outskirts, in a small hotel offering rooms and meals – and the latter is especially important. Killua knows that in he's already become an all-knowing being his sister's eyes, and he doesn't want to ruin that reputation by admitting that he have no idea about cooking – that is, other than catching food in the forest, or similar wild scenery, and roasting it over a fire.
There are many places worth seeing in the city: interesting museums, beautiful churches and old houses. Alluka is happy wherever he takes her, and she absorbs everything with all her senses. As one could expect, what fascinates her the most is the sea, and she wants to walk along its shore every day, watching jellyfish swimming in the water and speaking affectionately to seagulls. She's never tired of observing the ships that come in and out of the port: fish cutters, small tourist catamarans, and large cruise liners. Sometimes, they can also see sailing boats gliding through the waves.
Once they go to a beach outside the city, where Alluka dares to take off her shoes and get her feet wet. Later, Killua can't get her to leave, and hours pass before his sister has enough of jumping on the wet sand and chasing or escaping the waves.
"My toes are all wrinkled," she says, fascinated.
"If you stayed there any longer, your skin would melt."
Alluka looks at him with round eyes, ready to believe anything she hears from him, and Killua bursts into laughter.
"I joked. But maybe you really would turn into a mermaid and decide to live in the depths of the sea."
Now Alluka's gaze loses focus for a moment – she's undoubtedly imagining the depths of the sea, and Killua, completely wrapped around his sister's little finger, begins to wonder how to organise an underwater expedition.
For now, however, they are staying on the surface; they take several cruises around the bay – the names of the ships, such as Ruby and Emerald, arouse great amusement in Alluka, although later she is outraged by the fact that the vessels are plain white.
"Maybe I should tell them they forgot to paint them?" she suggests, thoughtful. "If the ships are white, they don't deserve such names. It would be more appropriate to name them Seagull or... Seagull."
"They must have thought those names would be easier to remember than Seagull-1, Seagull-2, Seagull-3."
Alluka bursts out laughing and doesn't complain anymore.
Alluka is never tired of walking on the beach and finding new seashells (and maybe she hopes to turn into a mermaid and be able to see the seabed, too). She has already collected a lot of them, and she also managed to fish out a few pieces of amber, which has exactly the warm, soft hue as the name suggests. The sea is incredibly fascinating – just like the fact that it changes colours depending on the light and weather.
Speaking of the weather, it seems to have cooled down, or at least it's time to put on warmer clothes. Oniichan says that it's usually cooler at the seaside than inland due to the wind and humidity, although he, too, doesn't seem to be particularly sensitive to temperature changes...
One morning, she wakes up to a grey sky; not even a single ray of sun peeks out from behind the clouds. The city looks completely different but no less extraordinary; Alluka knows that walking on a day like this will be like discovering familiar places again.
When it begins to sprinkle in the afternoon, and then the drizzle turns into a serious rain – it seems that water pours from the sky in streams – Alluka is so ecstatic that she breaks into a wild dance. She doesn't pay attention to the increasing puddles or the fact that her hair is wet and her dress becomes heavy. She bursts into laughter, raises her face to the leaden sky and simply dances, twirls around mindlessly with his arms spread, unable to contain this storm of emotions. She is filled with an intoxicating feeling of freedom, as if all the chains that'd ever imprisoned her had broken, as if the water had washed away the last traces of her past and allowed her to be born again. It is the greatest feeling she's ever experienced.
She doesn't know how much time has passed. She only calms down when she starts running out of breath. Oniichan is waiting patiently for her under the tree – he obviously doesn't enjoy the rain much. Alluka is soaked to the skin but happier than she already was – is that even possible?
Home is a short walk away, and when they're back Oniichan orders a warm bath. Alluka thinks that she must have cooled off a bit, although she's not entirely sure; either way, bathing is always a pleasure.
"It didn't work out with the sea, so you thought the rain would help you turn into a mermaid?" Oniichan says as Alluka dries her hair.
"You're terrible for teasing me like that!" Alluka replies indignantly and sticks her tongue out at him, even though she's not really angry. She is still filled with that incomparable feeling that she can do anything, and the smile returns to her face.
"You're going to need wellies and a proper hooded coat," Oniichan decides. "Then you'll be able to jump in puddles all you want," and for some reason he still sounds like he's making fun of her.
Alluka decides to accept his kindness – and ignore his malice, because she doesn't believe in it at all.
After the downpour, the weather only gets worse, which of course does not discourage Alluka from going for daily walks, especially wearing a coat and wellies. She claims that the world in rain is fascinating, too. Look how the drops splash on the stone and how the water flows out of the gutter! See those birds waiting out the downpour under the eaves? Oh, I can't tell where the sky ends and the sea begins, at all – both are completely grey!
Later, however, the wind gets stronger – a storm is coming – so it becomes too risky to walk outside. Alluka accepts this with dignity... and discovers a new way to satisfy her hunger for excitement: television. She watches the news and game shows, cheesy soap operas and cheesy detective series, as well as nature films and documentaries that she then discusses with Killua, all of that mixed with a barrage of flashy advertisements. Killua is not entirely sure whether television is an appropriate source of knowledge, but it doesn't seem dangerous either; if necessary, he corrects any false information. Sometimes they both laugh out loud at stupid entertainment shows, and sometimes Killua quickly changes the channel when a cooking programme is announced.
Alluka never gets bored with anything. Just as she can spend hours admiring nature – a flower or an insect – now she spends hours staring at the TV and absorbing everything she sees on the screen. By no means thoughtlessly – her face often reflects emotions: involvement, thoughtfulness, amusement, disapproval. Killua can be sure that Alluka is processing every piece of information. When she shares her comments, they are sometimes hilarious in their naivety, and sometimes scary in their accuracy, and always show her understanding curiosity.
"Why are those countries fighting each other? They have so many beautiful places, they should reconcile somehow."
"I would never have guessed that the culprit was him! I was sure it was the other one... the one with the crooked face."
"Is minus forty cold?"
"Come on! You obviously have to hug her now!"
"Is Cymbidium a plant? I thought it was some kind of musical instrument..."
"That's two hundred thousand nine! So easy!"
"It's so beautiful there! I would like to go there and see all these places with my own eyes... Oniichan...?"
After a few days the weather gets better, and even the sun returns. They resume walking along the beach – now full of fascinating debris washed up by the waves – and Alluka enjoys the cries of the seagulls she has already missed. Still, some TV shows come to the schedule and cannot be skipped – and, strangest of all, Killua can't see what they may have in common.
A stage play is something entirely different from films on television. It's a whole experience.
To begin with, Oniichan says that they need to dress properly, so Alluka puts on her prettiest dress and elegant shoes, and Oniichan puts on a suit. He looks so dashing that it takes Alluka a long time to get ready because she keeps glancing at him over and over again.
They are taken to the venue by a taxi, and the theatre turns out to be magnificent itself long before the performance begins. Alluka admires the architecture of the large building and its interior decoration: high halls, domed vaults, and carpeted marble stairs. She also admires the gathered people and their beautiful clothes, as well as their exquisite behaviour when they stand in groups, discussing in low voices and politely greetings their friends. Alluka realises that it's not a place for screaming with delight or jumping for joy.
And during the play, one can only show their appreciation by clapping.
Alluka isn't sure she fully understands the show. But sometimes it also is difficult for her to follow the play because she looks at the decorations and costumes or focuses on the actors' performance. Everything in the theatre seems much more alive than seen on TV; well, because everything is live and happening so close. Not only voices can be heard but even breathing, gestures are expressive and movements are precise. On the other hand, there is some magic in the play, too, as if both sides – the stage and the audience – agreed that the show was true: although the rain and lightning are not real, just like the trees and houses aren't, the story itself is true.
At the end, she claps along with the other spectators, completely enchanted.
Over the next few days, Alluka often stands in front of the mirror and tries to repeat the poses and figures she saw on stage, muttering to herself the lines she remembers from the show. Oniichan watches her while eating chocolate bars and sometimes comments:
"Now you look scary."
"You certainly got that part right."
"Do that again. No, hand more forward and head higher."
"Maybe you should sign up for a drama class?"
Alluka shakes her head, though. "I'm not doing it because I want to be in the theatre", she says.
"Then why?" Oniichan asks, amazed.
"I think it can help me understand those characters."
Killua takes Alluka not only to the theatre, but also to concerts, exhibitions and light shows.
Alluka enjoys everything and everywhere. She absorbs sounds, colours and changing images. In the philharmonic hall, she becomes all ears and then tells what she saw in her mind when the music played, and in the following days Killua can hear her humming some melodies. In museums, she stops at each exhibit, examines it with her eyes, considers its details, tries to understand its idea. Classical and modernist paintings, ancient and modern sculptures – but also historical costumes and utility objects, art of distant cultures and ancient civilizations. Sometimes Killua has the impression that Alluka stores every image and other experience in her head so that she can return to it someday or be able to recreate it from memory.
"Is there anything you don't like?" he asks one day, though he realizes how vague this question is... But the truth is Alluka admires everything without exception: every place, every object, every plant, every animal, every phenomenon, every spectacle, so there is no point in asking about something specific.
Alluka gets pensive. She doesn't answer for so long that Killua is close to saying, 'Never mind, don't bother with it.' But then his sister looks up at him again.
"I don't like it that the day is so short and I have to go to sleep in the evening."
"Well, right. It was stupid of me to ask…"
Killua is then tempted to inquire what Alluka likes the most, but he holds his tongue at the last second. He would be showered with a million answers, because it's completely obvious that for Alluka the term "the most" doesn't mean just one thing, as it does for other people.
Killua has no idea how his sister's development will proceed, but she probably doesn't know that herself yet. Even if Alluka were to remain a child forever, it wouldn't make her any less of a person; however, Killua is perfectly certain that the development will come... as it is already happening. For now, Alluka is absorbing the world and learning about it, she is also interacting with people and getting to know them; for now she is the recipient. What will come of this? What will happen later? When will she start to act, and how? What will be her strong point and her greatest talent? What direction will she take and what will she do? Killua doesn't know, but whatever it would be, he's going to support her fully because Alluka is free to do whatever she wants... free to choose from unlimited possibilities.
For the time being, Killua is just happy to see how Alluka becomes more confident and bolder. How she finds herself in various situations – and goes from an observer to a basic element of the world. How she looks straight ahead and never returns to the past. How she no longer asks if all this is really happening; she has long since stopped checking whether the door will open. He is happy to see her smile, hear her laugh, feel her hug.
He is happy to see Alluka blossom.
Unlike Alluka, Nanika is not interested in the world around her in the slightest – she is content to occasionally look at it through Alluka's eyes – because her whole world is Killua. During their constant exploration, she gives up control and usually falls asleep. She comes out occasionally – when Alluka is sleeping – to tell Killua that she loves him and demand his affection.
She's always given it.
Alluka is feeling fine, and that's the most important thing. And even if she pays little attention to Nanika, Nanika understands and accepts it. Alluka is happy, and that's good, because her happiness – that sweet joy, hot delight and soft excitement – penetrates to Nanika and fills her with the same feelings. After years spent in darkness, where the only light came from rare encounters with Killua, Nanika feels as if she has suddenly stepped out into the sun she has long forgotten about. She doesn't need to see the world with its houses, forests, birds, flowers and other people – but she feeds on Alluka's emotions and, for the first time in her life, she understands that existence can be so...
Pleasant.
She feels comforted and pampered. She feels content and safe. These are impressions that she had not known before, and of which she had only glimpses – brief moments – in contact with Killua. Her reality used to be fear, loneliness, empty silence and constant darkness, and even if, at the very beginning, her and Alluka's existence didn't look like that, she doesn't remember it at all. Once, she would have given everything to be noticed, accepted and liked by someone – she would have fulfilled every wish – but in vain. Yet now she is flooded only by positive emotions. And she receives them without having to give anything in return.
Astonishing.
Something else has changed, too, because now Nanika feels a part of Alluka more than ever before. They have always been together, always one, but at the same time they were apart: two terrified and abandoned beings in the dark. Alluka and Nanika. Nanika and Alluka. Recently, it's been different... and sometimes Nanika feels like she could melt with Alluka and fall asleep.
Maybe forever.
"Killua…?"
"Yes, Nanika?"
"I'm…happy.
Killua smiles widely. "That's great. I'm glad."