I am Satou Kazuma. The hero who defeated the demon king. Favoured by the goddesses Aqua and Eris. Older brother to the princess of the kingdom. Wealthy innovator, and staunch advocate of gender equality.

Yet, I am still a virgin, and now my party has abandoned me.

How did it end up like this?

Earlier…

"Hey, Kazuma, why are you looking at me all weird?"

I snapped back to reality. Had I really just been staring at my dear Megumin in a state of blissful serenity for what felt like forever?

Nah. It was definitely just lust. Probably.

"Nothing!" I averted my gaze swiftly. "I was just thinking about how, probably, neither of us are going to get much sleep tonight."

Megumin looked at me quizzically, so I clarified it further. "Because of your promise, from before we defeated the Demon King? To, you know, sleep together…"

As soon as I had blurted it out, I regretted it. How tactless to explicitly mention her promise! My heart can't take any more coy teasing!

"Ah, Kazuma. It seems like that's the only thing on your mind," she smiled. "Some legendary hero you are."

Here it was, surely another full evening of jibes at my expense, the latest in a long chapter of teasing. "But I even got rid of Aqua so we'd be alone! You promised!" I pouted. But then, Megumin placed her fingers on my lips, bringing her face inches from mine.

"I didn't say I wouldn't honour it..."

My heart started beating so fast it could have powered the Mobile Fortress Destroyer.

"F-For real? You're not just gonna call me a pervert or, chicken out?"

"No, Kazuma, you said it yourself, we should be undisturbed tonight, and I also, want…" she trailed off, fidgeting and trying not to look at me.

I could barely believe it. A girl almost said directly to me that she wanted to sleep with me… And all I had to do was take her into my care, become incredibly wealthy, and complete the impossible task of defeating the Demon King.

"Megumin…"

"A-Anyway, let's take baths first! You've been out all day!" she said, flustered, and practically pushed me out of the room.

It was the fastest bath I've ever taken.

After I had finished, I stood waiting in my room, wearing my bathrobe. It felt like an eternity waiting for Megumin to come in. I imagined the crimson girl stepping in and out the baths in nothing but a towel, before delicately scrubbing herself all over. My senses felt heightened, causing me to react to every echoed splash and footstep from the baths. I paced the room in my dressing gown, trying to distract myself, though nothing worked.

My self-consciousness grew. This was everything I dreamed of since I became a man, and yet it felt so… cringe! So random and forced, like an anime or smutty fanfic. Couldn't I have developed this any more naturally?!

Eventually, the door creaked open, and in slipped Megumin, in her pink bathrobe and fluffy slippers. She was wrapped up, but I could just see a little of her neck, and my excitement only grew.

She closed and locked the door, slowly but firmly, Her face was super red, and likely not just from a hot bath. She drifted closer to me and sat on the bed, and I joined her, and we sat there for a moment, kind of awkwardly. The scent of strawberries accompanied her - well, I'd never seen a strawberry in this world so it felt even more pronounced, more precious. I looked at my companion, and she was just so pretty, so perfect in this one moment. And then there was me, feeling like an awkward little boy in the spot where a man should be.

She was the first to break the momentary silence, placing her hand on mine.

"So, Kazuma, what are you thinking right now?"

Ah, her palms are so smooth and warm to the touch. I just want to caress them all day. Is this really happening? "Nothing, it's just… Maybe I am a lolicon?"

"Hey, I am of marriageable age!" She pushed me playfully. "I'm 15, that's over 900 weeks old!"

"Oh don't put it in weeks, that makes it worse…" I groaned. The joking around lightened the awkward mood, and I started to relax a little, until I realised something.

"Hey, wait a second. 900 weeks? Shouldn't it be more like 800?"

Megumin giggled. "Kazuma, I thought you were decent at arithmetic."

"Yeah, but, 52 weeks, times 15 years…"

Megumin stared at me, perplexed. "No, there's 60 weeks in a year…"

Wait Was the length of a year different in this world?

I must have looked like a maniac to her in this moment, physically and mentally. "12 months in a year, exactly 5 weeks each…" She said slowly, as if teaching a child in school. "Heh, don't tell me that time was also different in your home country!"

My mind raced. Was it possible I never noticed the difference in years? I hadn't been here that long, really, and frankly we mostly lived day to day or week to week. Numbers and equations flew up in front of my eyes. If I was 17 years of 52 weeks old, and she was 15 years of 60 weeks…

"I mean, have you never seen a calendar? There should be one in one of these drawers…" Megumin leaned over to the bedside cabinet and started pulling the drawers open, before I could react to stop her.

"W-Wait, no, don't open that one-!"

She pulled out a small object that was not meant for her eyes. I lunged to try and snatch it, but she held me at arm's length, pinching the object with two fingers, not yet understanding its importance.

"What's this… envelope?"

Noo! She can't read the letter inside or my life is over! I was going to tell her later properly!

She inspected it curiously. "Is this the royal seal… and it's opened?"

I felt I had no choice, and started channeling mana. "Freez-"

But before I could complete the spell, Megumin kicked me. Below the belt.

"Oh, Kazuma, are you ok?!" she exclaimed, rushing over to me in concern as I instantly doubled over, despite her being the perpetrator of my pain.

I was dazed for I don't know how long. Wasn't I supposed to have physical resistance?! Though I guess as a lowly adventurer with his guard down, and against Megumin's deceptively high base stats, it was still a world of pain.

"I-I'm sorry, just don't you dare use one of those spells on me…" Megumin said, reprimanding me with a hint of guilt still residing. I was in no physical or mental position to stop her from then going on to read the letter.

"To the Adventurer Satou Kazuma, vanquisher of the Demon King, we hope this letter finds you in good health, blah blah blah…" Megumin read slightly aloud, skimming the words. "...You are formally invited to the castle to…" Megumin's eyes widened. "EXERCISE YOUR RIGHT TO MARRY THE PRINCESS?"

Ah. This is how I die.

Megumin trembled with anger, her eyes blazing crimson with intensity that could melt stone, projecting a presence I hadn't felt since entering the Demon King's room for the first time. She leapt at me, screaming obscenities and pummelling me relentlessly with her every limb. Each hit my defenseless skin, my arms occupied in covering my tender regions to prevent another critical hit.

She began whispering something as she flailed at me, and my blood turned cold out of instinct before I actually heard a word of her chant. She wouldn't… but she might! An explosion would take out half the town and turn us both into nothing but memories! Desperately, I cast the only spell that could definitely save the situation!

"T-Teleport!"

I groaned and sat up, rubbing my bruised, yet intact, body. Heh, no big deal, just a little lover's quarrel. What couple doesn't have them? It just shows how madly in love Megumin is with me.

But despite telling myself that lie, I was still dejected. I had hoped to broach the topic of the castle marriage proposal with Megumin after our… time together. I think I knew deep down that it was scummy.

"Ah, are you alright?"

It was Eris's dulcet tones. Ah, of course. I'd teleported back to heaven. I breathed a sigh of relief, casting my gaze upon Eris, the shimmering and temperate air of the heavenly space…

And a gobsmacked Megumin sitting beside me?!

Her face had gone pale, and she was muttering to herself. "Is this heaven… it can't be… but that is goddess Eris…" her expression then twisted into a crazed smile. "So I did it… I killed us both with an explosion… a truly fitting end to the Strongest Mage…"

"N-No, Megumin, you're both alive!" Eris corrected her hastily.

Oh," Megumin said, slight disappointment in her voice. "Then how…" Her eyes wandered slowly around the space until they settled on me, and her anger resumed.

"What did you do?!" She yelled, standing and pointing accusatorily down at me.

"Me?! You were about to wipe us off the map!" I retorted, leaping up and warily keeping a little distance in case she leapt at me again. "You should be apologising!"

"Oh, I should apologise?! You have some nerve!"

Then, a small giggle cut through the argument.

"Sorry, " Eris said, radiating a calm dignity truly becoming of a goddess. "It's just, you guys remind me of a married couple."

"S-Sorry, Goddess Eris," Megumin said sheepishly. "I'm sure the issues of us mortals are a trifling matter to you…"

"I don't mind," Eris said coyly, her double life of secretly meddling in human affairs as Chris no doubt in her mind. Unfortunately, not even Eris could cause my anger to abate.

"Hey, Eris! By the way, I just realised, your Blessing didn't even work!" I yelled at her. "'Goddess of Getting Lucky' my ass! I want a refund!"

"It's just 'Goddess of Luck'..."

"You got a blessing in heaven from a literal goddess and you came home to try and s-sleep with me?!" Megumin said incredulously. "That's…" she then suddenly blushed and turned her face away. "...oddly flattering," she said almost inaudibly, before asking loudly, accusatorily. "But how? How can you teleport? How are you two so close that you can yap about stupid stuff?"

What should I say to that? Was it time to come clean about my past, after everything we'd been through?

"I think it's better if Kazuma explains that back at your home!" Eris said to her, hastily, before turning to me. "Kazuma, I don't know the details of what happened to you, but the Blessing definitely worked," Eris said. "Maybe things would've been a lot worse without it?"

Huh. I guess not being turned into human charcoal was pretty lucky. But I was still annoyed that my chastity was still intact despite the fact that I had even been supported by heaven itself.

"Um, Goddess Eris, are you able to send me back, then? I have a lot to think about…" Megumin asked.

"Ah, yes, I think it would be best if I sent you both back," Eris pondered. Then she smiled and prepared the spell. "Thank you for coming! Ah, but please don't make it a habit!"

And with a flash, we were back in the room where we had started, the air and atmosphere now thick from the bombshells dropped. Megumin's body language was now guarded, almost as if I was a stranger.

"So, Kazuma, it's been a long night, I think I'll go to bed, my bed…"

"Megumin…" I half-heartedly stretched out a hand to stop her leaving, but what right did I have to do that? Suddenly I felt like an idiot for not telling her everything sooner: about the letter, about how I was only in this world because I had died, about how it hurt me so much to see the look in her eyes when she found out I was still keeping secrets.

Yeah, I think neither of us is going to sleep much tonight.