Treasure Hunt
By
UCSBdad
Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or any treasure. Rating: K Time: After Season Eight.
"Dese hoomans an' dere short li'l legs can't keep up wid us." Buggsy yelled as he scooped Rick up and tucked him under his arm. Muggsy picked up Kate and Puggsy grabbed Alexis. No longer encumbered by the slower humans, the Vorlags shot ahead.
As the other Vorlags ran ahead, Ohio pulled out his pistol and began shooting back at Demming's goons. They dropped back out of range.
They arrived at the plane and Ohio started the engines. The aircraft shot down the river and was soon in the air, leaving Demming and his goons far behind.
"We got away." Ohio said, sadly, "but now Demming will get the credit for finding the original Vorlag brewery."
"Not at all." Curly said. "One good idea that the humans had that they did put into production is to put video cameras in their portable phones. I have a video camera in my vPhone and I recorded the whole thing, from our entering the cave to being chased by Demming's goons. I've already uploaded it to Furface, VikVok and Vtube. We're getting loads of hits already."
Indeed, they were. By the time they'd reached the airport back at Tampico, they'd had over a trillion hits on social media. The part where Kate kicked Demming seemed to be particularly popular. Rick had spent the entire trip liking that particular part.
The airport was a mob scene with thousands and thousands of happy Vorlags ready to greet the heroes. Naturally, a huge party had begun and before anyone could say no, …well, did you ever heard of a Vorlag saying no to a party?
Rick woke up some days later with a terrible hangover. He saw that Kate was cuddled up next to him and they were covered with the furry tails of Curly and Rollo, both of whom were sound asleep.
As Rick moved, Kate woke up.
"God. My head is pounding." She said, closing her eyes against the bright sun.
"A little bit o' da Vorlag what bit youse?" Buggsy said, holding out two glasses.
Rick felt his stomach churn at the thought of another drink. Kate just looked away.
"No, it's sumpin' dat our good buddy Moe made up. It's jist da t'ing fer hangovers. Try it."
Rick took a drink and felt better. He downed the whole glass and his hangover disappeared.
"Try it, Kate. It works."
Kate took a tiny sip and then drank the whole thing down.
"I feel better. Much better." She looked around. "That was quite a party. Where are we?"
Buggsy shrugged.
"I dunno. Some little burg south o' Tampico. I'll ask da fella…Oh me God. Dat's da Vorlag wid no name."
The Vorlag approaching them was tall and rangy and seemed to have more facial hair that even the average hairy Vorlag. He wore a Stetson hat, a serape, and had a cigarillo clenched between his teeth. At his side was a well-used pistol.
Alexis stuck her head up over a snoring Rollo.
"If he has no name, how does he get mail?"
"It's addressed ta occupant." Buggsy replied.
"You're Buggsy, aren't you?" Said the Vorlag with no name. "You and your pals work for Don Vorleone, right?"
"Dat's us."
"I'm going after a lost treasure, and I need some help. There are others looking for it. One is Tuco and the other is Angel Eyes. Both are bad hombres. You can board your pets in town while we're gone."
"We're not pets." Rick, Kate and Alexis said in unison.
"Whatever."
"What exackly are we treasure huntin' fer?" Buggsy asked.
"Well, long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away…"
"Star Wars?' Cried Alexis.
"No Bar Wars. The evil Darth Vorlag tried to buy up every Vorlag bar everywhere and use his monopoly power to raise prices and lower quality. He had his money in gold but was chased away by a bunch of civic minded Vorlags."
"Jedi Knights?" Alexis asked.
The Vorlag with no name shook his head.
"No, the Vorlag Bartenders Union. A very powerful group."
"What happened ta da treasure?" Muggsy asked.
"No one really knows. Darth Vorlag was chased into the desert here and disappeared along with the gold. People have been searching for the gold for years and years with no luck."
"What makes you think you can find it?" Rick asked.
"There's a rumor I picked up that the gold and what's left of Darth Vorlag is in a cemetery out in the desert. I know where the cemetery is."
"Sounds good to me." Kate said. Everyone else agreed.
As it happened, the Vorlag with no name happened to have a lot of extra horses that had been owned by people who no longer had any use for them. No one asked him how that had happened.
They rode all day and camped in the desert that night. The next day they started off at dawn.
"We can sleep indoors tonight." TVWNN, as he was now called said. "There's a little mission ahead of us. The fathers will be happy to put us up for the night and feed us. The food's nothing fancy, but it'll stick to your ribs."
"So will wet concrete." Puggsy, the Vorlag version of a gourmet, muttered.
They rode over a hill just as the sun was setting and heard the bells of the mission tolling vespers, indicating sunset.
"That's odd." Said Alexis. "The bells almost sound like they're ringing in Morse Code. Three short, three long and three short. That's SOS."
"What's SOS?" Asked TVWNN.
"It means help." Curly said. "Humans use it."
TVWNN looked at the mission, seemingly peaceful and serene.
"Me and Da Boyz will check it out. The rest of you stay here."
The four Vorlags dismounted and moved quietly to the mission, then went inside. As they entered, the bells stopped.
The humans and their two Vorlag friends waited for twenty minutes. Nothing happened.
"I'm afraid something's gone wrong." Kate said.
"Something did go wrong for your friends." Said a voice from behind them.
They turned to face a Vorlag who had them covered with a pistol.
"Angel Eyes Vorlag." Cried Curly.
"That's me." He said, holstering his weapon. "Now, head for the mission."
None of the five had a gun, but Curly still had his jungle eater. He drew it and quickly chopped Angel Eyes' pistol to bits. Then with excellent control, he sheared off his clothing and then his fur. The now furless Vorlag screamed and ran off.
"That'll teach him not to mess with a Vorlag armed with human technology." Curly said.
"We'd better get to the mission to see what happened." Alexis said.
What had happened was that Angel Eyes had used knockout gas on the four Vorlags. They were snoozing peacefully in the entryway to the mission.
"Thank the Good Lord you got my message." Said a Vorlag in a brown habit, running up to them. "I am Father Antonio."
"No, he isn't." Said another brown robed priest. "He's Tuco Vorlag, the infamous criminal. I am Father Antonio."
"I'm Father Antonio." Screamed the first Vorlag.
"No, I am."
As they screamed at each other, Curly drew his jungle eater.
"Everybody relax and quiet down. I took care of Angel Eyes with this and I can do the same to you."
"What happened?" Said TVWNN woozily.
"Knockout gas." Curly explained. "We took care of Angel Eyes, but one of these two is the criminal Tuco Vorlag."
"That's Tuco." Said TVWNN, pointing to the first Vorlag.
"Curses. Foiled again." Grumped Tuco.
Tuco was tied up and our heroes had dinner and a good night's sleep. The next morning, TVWNN cut Tuco's bonds.
"You're coming with us."
Tuco smiled.
"I knew you'd take me along and cut me in. You're a real pal."
"You're not getting a thing. You're coming along because I can't trust you out of my sight."
They mounted up and rode off. Tuco had his hands tied behind him. In due course, they reached the cemetery.
"Where's the treasure?" Rick asked.
"I dunno." Said TVWNN. "All the rumor said was that it was here."
"Maybe it's in that big shed in the middle of the cemetery." Alexis suggested.
No sooner had Alexis spoken than the door to the shed slammed open and out walked a figure dressed in shiny black armor, and a flowing black cape.
"I find your lack of faith disturbing." He said, coldly.
TVWNN and Da Boyz drew their guns and fired, but nothing happened. Darth Vorlag just stood there, completely undamaged by their fire.
Eventually, the shooting stopped.
"Really?" Kate said and began walking towards Darth Vorlag. When she got close enough, she unleashed a kick at his crotch. Darth Vorlag stood there for a second and then collapsed. Everyone ran forward and looked.
"It's just the armor." Said Rick. "There's nothing inside. No Darth Vorlag. How did you know?"
Kate smiled.
"The Force is strong in me."
"Great. Let's grab the gold and get out of here." Said TVWNN.
They all rushed inside the shed and there they found a large chest.
"That's gotta be it." Buggsy said.
Rick picked it up.
"Awfully light for gold."
"Open it. Open it." Everyone yelled.
When Rick did so, all they found were some papers.
"Oh, no." Said Buggsy. "It can't be."
"What is it?" Everyone demanded.
"Darth Vorlag musta figgered that gold was awfully heavy ta cart around, so he got sumpin' more portable. Stock in a company."
"So, it's still valuable." Rick said.
"Back in the day the Hynerian Ice Cream Company was the hottest stock around. Ever'body figgered dat wid da Hynerian Empire behind it, da company would drive Don Vorleone outta bidness. But dere ice cream wuz awful. No one would buy it. Da company went belly up. Da stock is worthless."
"Worthless?" Tuco said.
"Yeah," Said TVWNN. "You can have my share."
Disappointed, they all trudged out of the shed. As they left, Muggsy looked back at his pal, Puggsy.
"Hey, Puggsy, what's dat on yer shoes?"
Puggsy looked down.
"I dunno. Some kind of black, gooey stuff oozing up from under da ground. Nuttin' important."
He wiped it off his shoes and the two Vorlags left.
"I guess we'll head back to Earth." Kate said. "We didn't find a treasure, but I wasn't bored."
"I've already found all the treasure I'll ever need." Rick said, winking at Kate.
Approaching Earth in the Aluminum Corvair, Buggsy got a call from Don Squeaky, da strong right paw an' consigliere ta Da Boss, Don Vorleone.
"Where has youse mugs bin? Da Boss has bin lookin' all over fer youse. Git here toots sweet. You got woik a do."
Curly dropped Da Boyz off on the far side of the Moon and then took Rick, Kate and Alexis back to the loft.
Transported back to the loft, they sat down and relaxed.
"You know what I'd like to do?" Kate said.
"What?" Rick asked.
"Visit the Canary Islands. I hear there was a Spanish noblewoman there who was hot for Columbus."
"Sounds good to me."
THE END
Author's note: My stories beginning with The Pilot describe the Empire when it was expanding. Now, many centuries later, the Empire is in trouble. Can Captain Richard Castle do anything in the face of End of Empire?