FINAL FANTASY VI: THE ABRIDGED SERIES

CHAPTER 4:

THE PRIAPIC HORROR

"I have an announcement to make," Terra said. "I. Fucking. Hate. The. DESERT."

"Yeah, so do I. You know what I also hate?" Locke asked. "Complaining. Not when I'm doing it, mind, but when others are doing it. And that's the fifty-seventh time you've said that since we started crossing the desert."

"Sixty-third time," Terra corrected him as she nearly tripped over a bleached bone of some unfortunate animal who died of dehydration, the local monsters, heatstroke, or, in her opinion, complete and utter boredom. "I mumbled some of them."

"Look, it's not that far to Figaro Castle."

"If you're riding a Chocobo," Terra scowled. "Or Magitek Armour." She frowned as something occurred to her, and then looked at the fourth wall. "Oi, Quatermass! I thought this was meant to be 'Final Fantasy VI: The Abridged Series'. But we're going through the story at a fucking snail's pace! This doesn't seem very 'abridged' to me. We'd be on the Floating Continent by now if it was!"

"Who're you talking to?"

"The writer, obviously." Suddenly, a page of paper appears out of thin air. She snatched it up and read it.

Dear Terra,

Yeah, sorry about that. Listen, 'the Abridged Series' suggests a certain comedic style rather than necessarily abridging a work. Let's face it, although a lot of abridgers make their chosen series shorter and stuff, they also take a long time to do episodes. Of course, this is frequently with good reason, in order to ensure high quality. Incidentally, to the 'wen Broly' crowd, to modify the words of Neil Gaiman regarding George RR Martin, TEAM FOUR STAR IS NOT YOUR BITCH!

Now, where was I before the tangent? Ah, yes. If you want, consider it this way. At least I cut out all the grinding a lot of players do in J-RPGs. That's a sort of Abridging, I guess. You don't want to go through all that, right?

BTW, you're my personal favourite female lead in the Final Fantasy games. Sorry about the whole Chicks in Chainmail thing.

Yours,

Quatermass

Terra sighed, before she said, "Look, I'll forgive you for that Chicks in Chainmail thing if you get us to Figaro Castle right now."

"Yep, she's gone crazy from dehydration," Locke muttered…

…Only to blink when, through a character-requested deus ex machina from the author, he was in the throne room of Figaro Castle. "Whoa, what the fuck?!"

"Locke?!" yelped a handsome, blonde-haired man dressed in regal clothes. "How did you suddenly appear in my throne room?"

"Deus ex machina," Terra said.

"…Gesundheit?" the blonde man asked tentatively.

"She's like that, Edgar," Locke said. "Anyway, introductions. Terra Branford, this is King Edgar of Figaro, noted lech, has a sexual harassment rap sheet as long as my arm, and a brilliant engineer. Edgar, this is Terra Branford, former soldier of the Gestahl Empire, pyromaniac witch, and Miss October in that special edition of Chicks in Chainmail."

"Ah, enchanté," Edgar said, swaggering down from his throne. "I am very honoured to meet you, Miss Branford. Welcome to my humble desert domicile, a glittering oasis in the middle of the hot sands. And, unlike what Locke likes to say, I am a classy connoisseur of the female form."

"And you're hitting on a young woman with amnesia who can set you on fire with a gesture, and whom you've probably enjoyed looking at my picture in Chicks in Chainmail?" Terra said, raising an eyebrow.

"Hey, as long as they're good-looking, over eighteen, and capable of giving consent, I'll hit on anyone I want," Edgar said. "Hell, I even let them hit me back. Incidentally, if you ever get bruised in battle, I know a really good cream. Believe me, I've been slapped enough times to know what works."

"Are you a masochist?" Terra asked.

"I'm into anything legal if it gets me into bed with a woman," Edgar said with a grin.

"…Royalty is fucking weird," Terra muttered. "Then again, he's rich and inbred enough to afford it."

"Hey! I am NOT inbred! My father married a nice woman from Zozo! My mother tried to steal his crown while he was visiting Jidoor." Looking at them staring at him in astonishment, he shrugged. "What? Successful relationships have had much more rocky starts than that! She became my father's Primary Covert Acquisitions Officer."

Locke peered at Edgar, before asking, "Did Banon take lessons from your father?"

"More the other way around," Edgar said. "Believe me, until my mother named us, I was Potential Heir Alpha and Sabin was Potential Heir Beta. And even then, for some weird reason, my mother wanted to call Sabin Mash. And she wanted to call me Bangers. It was her favourite meal. Thankfully, the chamberlain managed to persuade her otherwise."

"…I stand by my comment. Royalty is fucking weird," Terra said.

Before Edgar could reply in any manner, scathing or not, a guard came in, looking horrified. "Your Majesty, General Kefka is approaching the castle!"

Edgar frowned. "Oh, great. How bad is it?"

"…He's naked, sir. And priapic."

"Shit."

"What's priapic?" Locke asked.

Terra grimaced. "Did you see his centrefold?"

"Uhh, yeah, that shit stays with you forever."

"But he wasn't…hard, if you get my meaning?"

"Well, no, but…oh. Oh, shit." Locke clutched his head and grimaced. "Is his little wizard standing to attention?"

"It was a bloody big wizard, which you'd know if you looked at the centrefold for long enough, and yes. Though I still call it his little Pierrot. And the thing is, the only thing that gets him so excited is imminent destruction," Terra said.

"Okay, one, that's fucked up. Two, I didn't want to look at his centrefold any longer than necessary, so I don't know or care how big his dick is. And three, I don't want to know."

"Believe me, he does this about one in every three visits," Edgar said. "It's psychological warfare, trying to scar our psyches with that image. But even so, there are carpet pythons smaller than that. How did he get it to be so large?"

"One of the few things I remember from my time in the Gestahl Empire was a rumour I heard. One of the first things he did upon getting magic was to enlarge it," Terra said with a grimace. "Apparently it was the lack of blood to his brain when it went downstairs was what drove him insane. Personally, I just reckon it was the power."

Edgar sighed, before he went to an intercom on the wall. "King Edgar to the Castle Guard. Has Kefka put any pants on yet?"

"Uhh, we don't know sir. We've closed our eyes so that we don't have to see the maddening sight."

"Well, dammit man, one of you do that! I'm not receiving him until he's clothed."

A sigh from the guard. "Just a moment. Just looking right…OH GOD NO! NO! IT'S MADDENING! MADDENING! MY HIPPOCAMPUS IS OPEN TO THE INFINITE! MY POOR THAMALUS IS LEAKING THROUGH THE QUANTUM FOAM! PHN'GLUI MGLW'NAFH SAKAGUCHI MISTWALKER WGAH'NAGL FHTAGN!"

"…He's put his underpants back on at least," Edgar decided.

"How do you know?" Locke asked.

"The guard's only speaking in tongues. If Kefka's still naked and close enough to the castle, we'd have tentacles all over the place. And let me tell you, since that incident with that live octopus supper on my tenth birthday, I am NOT a fan of tentacles…"

In the Lethe River, a massive purple octopus sneezed twice. "Ooh, is someone speaking about me?" Ultros burbled. "It's been a long time since that birthday dinner with Edgar. He should have known better than to try and eat me alive…"

"Ahh, I feel so much better," Kefka said, draping his robes around himself. "I needed a tan all-round, and what better way to get it than to traumatise the enemy? Vitamin D AND psychological warfare, all in one package!"

"Umm…what about us, General Kefka?" one of the soldiers accompanying him asked. He at least had a visor to help mask most of the horror that was a naked Kefka, but it still made him vomit.

"Meh, you're mooks. Expendable units of the vast, great, powerful, and glorious Gestahl Imperial Army," Kefka said. "Besides, you should be honoured to see my vast, great, powerful, and glorious member!"

Another mook, with not enough common sense to throttle his curiosity, asked, "How the hell do you fit it all into your clothes?"

"Well, I could say that I do a bit of tucking…but I will spare your sensibilities for the moment. I use a subspace pocket. Hush now, for I need to engage in some diplomacy."

He walked up to the gates of Figaro Castle, and looked around for the guards. One of them was curled up in the corner, muttering eldritch words to himself. Kefka hauled the man to his feet. "Hey, hey, hey, as much as I'd like to summon unfathomable horrors from beyond space and time as we know it to destroy the world, I don't want you beating me to the punch! Pull up your sanity, tighten up your resolve, and go and fetch me King Edgar!"

"FHTAGN!" the guard wailed, before scrambling away.

Soon, Edgar emerged. "So, what brings Kefka to Figaro Castle? I mean, beyond traumatising my men?"

"What other reason would I need?" Kefka said with a vicious smile. "I mean, I'm a capricious villain with a penchant for chaos, violence, death, destruction, and Mills and Boon books." His face setting into a more serious expression, he said, "As it is, I have another reason for being here. One of our soldiers has deserted, a girl with green hair by the name of Terra Branford."

"And what makes you think she is here?"

Kefka smirked. "I looked it up on the Final Fantasy Wiki."

"What?"

"Never mind. Just hand her over, or I'll get serious."

Edgar blinked, before saying, "Seriously, what's a whicky? Kefka, she isn't here. Do you think I'd let Miss October get away so easily? And if I did have her, why would you think I would let her go? I mean, I've always wanted to start a Chicks in Chainmail-themed harem!"

"I'll trade Celes Chere for her if you want," Kefka said.

"Whoa, seriously?"

"Seriously." The blonde bitch was getting annoyingly principled of late. Being part of Edgar's harem might be a good punishment for her.

"Well, a shame that I don't have Terra then," Edgar said with his mouth in a moue of disappointment.

"Look, Edgar, I know that you've been helping the Returners on the side. You're just supporting the Empire with token gestures. So hand the fucking girl over, and maybe I won't set Figaro Castle on fire."

"Where'd you learn that libel?"

Kefka smirked. "I looked it up on the Final Fantasy Wiki."

"That thing again? Yeah, you're crazy. Anyway, stone doesn't burn."

"You forget…people do." Kefka sent a fireball at a guard, turning him into ashes. "Consider that a trailer for the horror movie to come. 'Sides, a Flare spell can burn stone. I know. I've…experimented. When I come back here tomorrow, I want Terra here, ready for me to take back to Vector. Otherwise, I will burn my clothes, then I will burn this castle, and then, I will burn you."

Terra and Locke, who watched Kefka prance away laughing from a battlement, grimaced. "We need a plan," Locke said.

"I have a plan," Terra said. "We need coffee. Very strong coffee."

"Why?" Locke asked.

"WELCOME TO ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF 'EXTREME GLASS-BLOWING'!" Terra yelled, firing Fire spells with gay abandon across the desert. "I'M SHOWING YOU GUYS HOW TO MAKE GLASS FROM DESERT SANDS! ART IS A BLAST, UN!"

Edgar and Locke watched as Terra flung out fireballs at Kefka's minions, causing them to scatter. "She's scary when she's caffeinated," Edgar said.

"Be grateful she's on our side," Locke said.

"But is she?"

"She said last night she'll join the Returners, but only because the story won't progress otherwise," Locke said. On Edgar's baffled look, Locke shrugged. "Yeah, I don't know what she meant either. It's a good thing you got Figaro Castle to sink, otherwise it might have gotten hit in the crossfire. Though I'm a little worried about the Chocobo she's riding."

"Why? It's remaining calm."

"While its rider is flinging fireballs around left, right, and centre. I think that Chocobo could be a pyromaniac. Why else would it be so calm? Unless you give your Chocobos lobotomies."

"No. Too expensive, and they shit everywhere."

"…Don't they normally shit everywhere anyway?"

"Yeah, but usually in neat piles, and in discreet parts."

"Oh. Well, I think she's routed the Imperials, and Kefka is currently trapped in that rather interesting dome-like shape. I think we'd better head for South Figaro." Then, suddenly, Locke seemed to change demeanour. "Wow," he rasped in the voice of Solid Snake. "I haven't seen anyone fling so much fire around since Psycho Mantis had a tantrum."

"That bandanna of yours," Edgar muttered.

Terra rode over on her Chocobo, her eyes wide with glee. She had a bag filled with various glass sculptures she had made during her battle. "I love using fire!" she said with a grin.

"Okay, but…what about the glass sculptures? Why are you bringing them with us?"

"Oh, these? We can sell them at the next town for a lot of Gil! I mean, your castle has submerged, so that's sunken funds, so we need some more cash on hand, right?" She pulled out a rather magnificent one of her naked, looking like the Botticelli Venus, complete with half-shell, though sans nymphs and other fripperies.

Edgar gaped, before saying, "500,000 Gil!"

"Sold," Terra said.

"Would a cheque suffice?"

"As long as your funds don't sink too low, no…"

CHAPTER 4 ANNOTATIONS:

Well, I didn't expect to come to this chapter anytime soon. And yet, here we are. One of the prototype chapter titles was 'Edgar, Queen of the Desert', and would have involved a crossdressing joke, but sadly, I didn't think I could do it well enough. Instead, I resorted to dick jokes. That argument I and Terra have about whether this is an Abridged Series was something I thought up, given how slow this story is compared to a usual Abridged Series.

Time for some more shameless plugs. This time, it's for those Final Fantasy fanfics. Most of these are the pure fanfics, but I will also plug my non-Harry Potter crossovers. Despite the comic plugs of some of them, they're actually serious works.

Tuebor: What happens when Jamie McCrimmon and the Eighth Doctor from Doctor Who end up in the world of Final Fantasy VI? Read Tuebor, and find out.

La Vita Nuova: What happens when Ultimecia from Final Fantasy VIII gets a second chance at life…as Rinoa? Rinoa becomes a Sorceress, heads up a charity designed to help Sorceresses, and is angry at SeeD. And yet, she's going to end up with Squall anyway…

Anchor of Ultimecia: What happens when Shinji Ikari from Neon Genesis Evangelion becomes a young Ultimecia's Knight? Wonder no longer…

Raison d'Etre: What happens when Mikoto, 'sister' of Zidane, ends up on Gaia by accident? The events of Final Fantasy IX start to run off the rails…

Zidane of Burmecia: What happens when Zidane is raised as Freya's bratty little brother? A surprisingly saner story turns out…

Black Mage of Kuoh: What happens when Vivi is reincarnated as Issei Hyoudou from Highschool DxD? And what happens when he finds he's not the only one from the world of Final Fantasy IX who's reincarnated?

Vincit Qui Patitur: What happens when Seymour isn't a nihilistic douchebag? Turns out, all he needed to be was raised by the Al Bhed…

Review-answering time! Literary-Disaster: You're welcome. Feel free to read my other humorous works I plugged at the end of Chapter 3 if you're feeling down.

Angel Arcano92: I may yet do something along those very lines. Not something I would have thought of, but the thought of Sabin acting in a Might Guy/Rock Lee-like manner is appealing.

F14M3RZ: It was endearing, I liked how Team Four Star portrayed Aerith, and I reckon Kira Buckland did a good job. But I also wanted to make a jab at how she was a ditz. And it's not exactly implied she's a yandere. The 'save game' image at the end of the season pretty much made it blatant.

No numbered annotations this time.