Author's Note:roses are red, violets are blue. if sebastian was a cow, i'd milk him pooh ;)
no but seriously, this is the longest chapter i've written so far. over 4,700 words and thats excluding the authors note, warning and disclaimer. this took me an entire day to write and i was tired hunni. but i do it for the love of writing, (an attempt at) great and detailed story telling and deep love of this anime. i hope it's appreciated and enjoyed. please excuse any and all errors :)
ps:stream pinky friday 2. lets goooooooo :P
Warning:language,mentions of mental illness, murder
Disclaimer:Creedmoor Psychiatric Center is a real institution, yet fictional in this context for the story. I do NOT own Kuroshitsuji/Black Butler. All rights to Yana Toboso.
Amend
Creedmoor patients were routinely woken up every morning to shower and gather in the dayroom as breakfast and morning medications were prepared.
To respect the privacy and decency of all the patients, only seven minutes were given to each patient to bathe and then rushed to their rooms to clothe themselves to ensure no one was left behind in the gathering to the dayroom.
A few patients who were incapable of bathing themselves, like Pluto, required assistance, but staff who were responsible for the task were able to efficiently clean and dress Pluto and others within the timeframe.
Ciel stood in front of the shower mirror and slowly traced his brand mark. For the first time, he was able to see it clearly.
At Mount Sinai, especially in their psych ward, he didn't have access to a clean and clear mirror, and surely not big enough to see the burn.
The antibiotic cream was working well, but Ciel still winced at the small areas that were still raw and scabbing over.
His perfectly pale skin now marked forever.
This odd symbol, what did it mean? Was his kidnapper apart of some cult? Or was it something personal to brand Ciel with being that he kept Ciel and treated him as if he were a pet?
"Four minutes Phantomhive." A voice called from outside the bathroom, snapping Ciel from his thoughts and reminding him of his time.
Ciel quickly started to lather and scrub his body, being extremely gentle with the burn area and skin surrounding it.
He made it out just under his last minute and rushed to his room to change, goosebumps forming at the brisk air that haunted to building.
Ciel got dressed and sat on his bed, waiting for the word to leave to the dayroom. He lays back in his bed after a few minutes to try to get warm while he waited.
He noticed that Sebastian wasn't in the patient quarters and figured that because Sebastian was apart of kitchen duty, he was already washed and in the process of making breakfast.
A around forty-five minutes to an hour passes before the patients were gathered to enter the dayroom. Ciel's eyes immediately go into tunnel vision in search for Sebastian. He found him in his normal spot, which was in the far right corner table with the chess board. Sebastian was moving pieces on the chessboard, seeming as though he was resetting the board.
The group dispersed and found their traditional seating and Ciel sped-walked over to Sebastian. Sebastian looked up at Ciel and gave him a small tired smile as Ciel sat down.
"Good morning." Sebastian greets first.
"Morning."
"How'd you sleep?"
"Well. Did you even get any? We were up pretty early, but you were already gone."
"I came back not too long after you fell asleep. I get up early to prepare breakfast."
"What're we having?"
"Waffles and eggs. It should be served shortly."
"That sounds good..." Ciel trails off.
"I hope you like it."
Moments of silence goes by as Sebastian continued to reset the chessboard.
"You play?" Ciel asks.
"By myself. I had an old companion years ago where I we would play together."
"You make it seem as if you're old." Ciel laughs a little and Sebastian smiles.
"Do I sound that way?"
"A little. Certain things you say sounds like you're from another time, but after seeing the type of books you read, I guess it makes sense."
Sebastian just shakes his head and smiles as he looks towards the door to see that one of the lunch duty staff entered with the food cart.
Patients immediately got up and formed a line to receive their food and medication.
"Breakfast is ready." Sebastian says to Ciel as he stands.
Ciel stands with Sebastian and make their way to the line. Sebastian stands back and gestures for Ciel to go in front of him.
As they get closer to the cart, the sweet smell of the waffles hit Ciel's nose and he looks back at Sebastian.
"I can already taste it."
"You liking my food makes me happy." Sebastian smiles and giving Ciel's shoulders a soft squeeze.
Ciel turns and looks down, feeling his face heat up. A shiver trickled down his spine at Sebastian's touch.
Ciel could acknowledge a person's attractiveness, regardless of gender, and throughout his years of puberty and awakening his sexual awareness and urges, Ciel didn't necessarily question his sexuality. Whoever came to mind during his private moments of pleasuring himself, male or female, was what he got himself onto and he never really looked much further into it.
Not that he was opposed to it or was running from defining his sexuality or romantic interests, but there were so many other things that occupied his time and his mind that Ciel never bothered to think of relationships before.
But with Sebastian here... The man was undeniably handsome, no doubt, but for the first time, it made Ciel confused.
Sebastian's hands fall from Ciel as they inch up closer.
A few minutes go by and Ciel finally grabs his tray and steps to the side waiting for Sebastian to get his, but he doesn't. Instead, he grabs a tiny cup with his name tagged on it and with three pills inside.
"You're not eating?" Ciel asks with furrowed brows as Sebastian stands beside him, walking back to their table.
"I had something to eat last night. It's kept me full." He says as they reach the table and sit down.
Sebastian carefully removes the chessboard with the pieces staying place as he set them down on the floor so that Ciel could place his tray down.
"And I'm not one for breakfast either. My stomach doesn't really tolerate it." Sebastian finishes and Ciel nods.
Ciel pours his packet of syrup over the waffle and eggs and began to dig in and loves what met his taste buds.
"You make these from scratch?" Ciel asks.
"How can you tell?"
"I don't think something that was pre-cooked and frozen would have this much sweetness and flavor. It tastes fresh too."
"I added some cinnamon to it too."
"You're really good at cooking." Ciel compliments.
"I aim to please." Sebastian smiles warmly, eyeing Ciel longingly, making Ciel briefly choke.
Sebastian chuckles and nudges Ciel's cup of orange juice to him.
Sebastian stretches his arms and looks around the dayroom, observing again the response to his food from his fellow peers.
Ciel begins to look around along with Sebastian and thoughts of the other patients rose again, wanting to know their story of how they came to be here and if it was anything like his.
"What's on your mind?" Sebastian asks.
"Just thinking about how everyone got here..."
"The tall blond man with facial hair. Baldroy." Sebastian begins and Ciel's eyes find him. "He was an American veteran and developed PTSD from the war. He ended up killing his wife and child in an episode. He turned himself in from guilt and heartbreak, but ended up here."
Ciel watched Baldroy as he leaned back in his seat, slowly eating his food with a blank look on his face, looking lost in thought.
"The younger blond male, Finny. His mother was a drug addict and was already admitted here while she was pregnant with him. While Finny was lucky to not inherit his mothers addiction, he does have behavioral issues. When he is a rage, he's difficult to control."
Sebastian's gaze shifted to the maroon haired woman while Ciel's attention was still on Finny who seemed fairly happy as he spoke to Baldroy who wasn't even paying attention to him.
"The woman with the burgundy hair, Meyrin. She's an interesting one... While her case didn't get as half as much attention as yours, she's a serial killer." Sebastian said as he watched Meyrin eating her breakfast, sadness in her face and Ciel perked up.
"A serial killer?" Ciel repeated, making sure he heard right.
"It's said that she lived a fairly normal happy life, but suffers from multiple personality disorder. She managed it rather well with her medication and out-patient mental health treatment, but experienced something traumatic for her to trigger her into killing. She was actually quite proficient in her killings and being able to hide for years, but eventually she got careless. It's said that she wanted to be caught seeing how she went from a skilled killer to an amateur criminal."
"I would have never thought..." Ciel said to himself.
"I do save a soft place in my heart for her. She's a sweet woman, but so hopeless." Sebastian says watching Meyrin with soft eyes, almost as if he's reminiscing.
"What about him?" Ciel asks referring to Pluto and Sebastian looks over stoically.
"I'm not too sure about his background. I met him the way he is now. As far as I'm concerned, he's always been this way, what I do know is that the family who put him here called him 'The Demon Hound'."
"Demon Hound? That harsh."
"I think because of his unusual behavior and tendency to destroy things if he goes unsupervised is why he has the name."
"That's still kind of sad. Doesn't seem like he has any control of his own self. His mind is just on autopilot."
"I suppose." Sebastian shrugs. "I'm not too sure of the rest. Some are decent, others, not too much. I don't have too much company here so I prefer to stay to myself." Sebastian says, breaking down one of his pills with fingers.
"What do you take those for?" Ciel's brows furrows as he takes a sip of his orange juice.
"Schizophrenia." Sebastian says, looking up at Ciel as he continues to break the pills down.
"You have schizophrenia?" Ciel asks carefully and in disbelief.
The stigma Ciel had in his mind associated with schizophrenia was of someone who suffered of delusions , disordered thoughts, hallucinations, lack of emotions and empathy, separate personalities and were erratically and unpredictably dangerous and violent. And Sebastian couldn't be that. He didn't see it. Not in Sebastian's face or in the way he carried himself indicated that anything could be wrong with him, let alone an illness as severe as schizophrenia.
"That's what they diagnosed me with." Sebastian sighs with a small sad smile.
"If you don't mind me asking..." Ciel prompted carefully. He didn't want to bring up a personal sensitive topic and make Sebastian uncomfortable.
"Go ahead."
"What gave them the impression that you were schizophrenic?"
Sebastian stopped messing with his pills and took a deep breath. He turned his head to look out the large dayroom windows at the winter sun steady rises.
"I didn't have any loved ones or friends and lived by myself." Sebastian started and Ciel stopped eating to listen. "I served my time here already and after getting out, I wasn't really doing much with my life. But because of my afflictions, I admitted myself again."
Ciel's eyes widened at Sebastian telling how this wasn't his first time being a patient at Creedmoor.
"This isn't your first time here?"
"No." Sebastian smiles before looking around the room. "A lot changed here after I came back. This is an old building so they did a lot of improvements to keep up with the times, but not that well."
Ciel looks around as well noticing the old chipping on the ceiling and paint over old walls for the first time. He turned his attention back to Sebastian piqued with curiosity. "What do you mean by afflictions?"
Sebastian's velvet eyes pierced Ciel's blue ones and they locked. "When I admitted myself again, I told them tales of being the one that found and killed the prolific Jack The Ripper, fighting Gods of Death and angels, contracts with demons... 'Visions and vivid nightmares' they called it. Of course they weren't going to believe me. Who would believe that? It even sounded foolish coming from me..." Sebastian trailed off and his eyes lowering, almost in embarrassment and a hint of disappointed in his voice that he didn't feel listened too. "I was further evaluated by several psychiatrists and they all came to the conclusion of me being a paranoid schizophrenic." Sebastian said continuing to crush his pills into powder.
"They say that I've been doing well as far as treatment..." Sebastian shakes his head with with furrowed brows. "But I've been here for almost 4 years."
"Four years is kind of excessive. Why so long?" Ciel agrees.
"Probably because they think I have nowhere to go if I were to leave." Sebastian says, a thing of sadness in Ciel's chest rises.
"I'm sorry..." Ciel looks down in sadness.
"Don't be sorry for me Ciel. I did this to myself." Sebastian leans back and starts to play in the power of his now crushed pills.
Ciel nudged his cup of orange juice to Sebastian and Sebastian looked back at him with a confused raised brow.
"To take your medication. My mother crushes her pills too cause she can't take them whole."
"Oh, I don't take them." Sebastian chuckles as he flicks the powder off the table. "They have no affect on me."
"Or maybe they've kept you here for so long because they know you're not taking your medication."
"Perhaps, but what about you?"
"Me?"
"I know what the news says, I know the whispers of what the public thinks, but what about your side to the story. I haven't heard that yet." Sebastian redirects the topic to Ciel, wanting to hear Ciel's thoughts and feelings since the incident.
Ciel frowns, remembering his ow predicament. He's tried telling his story and no one listened or they simply don't believe him. But Sebastian is here asking him, giving Ciel the opportunity to be vulnerable. He knows how it feels to not be listened to. Even if what Sebastian said he's experienced wasn't true, the need for validation to feel as though he's being heard was all he needed. And that's what Ciel needed.
"I'm sorry Ciel... It's probably too soon. You don't have to say anything if you aren't ready."
"No, it's okay. I just... I've tried telling my side and either no one believes me or cares. No one hears me."
"I care. I hear you." Sebastian says, placing a comforting hand on top of Ciel.
Despite the cold air, Sebastian's hand was warm. He radiated warmth. He was giving Ciel a safe space; making himself a safe space. In a way, it felt loving, fatherly almost. It made Ciel feel cared for.
"I didn't kill my parents." Ciel looked up at Sebastian with eyes pleading and begging to be believed. "The day the house caught on fire... It just seemed so random. My day was going so well. Life was going so well and then..." Ciel choked up, feeling tears brim at his eyes.
Sebastian then moved his hand from the top of Ciel's to hold it, a gesture that he was here. He was listening. He gave his hand a light squeeze.
"I woke up to the house on fire. I ran to their room and saw the were still in bed. And now that I think about it, it doesn't make sense. If the heat woke me up, I knew it would wake them up, but they were still in bed. I tried to reach them and before I could, I got knocked out. When I woke up, I was in a cage..." Ciel's voice cracked and a tear slipped from his eyes. His breathing became heavy and he squeezed Sebastian's hand back as the memories of that time spent in darkness came rushing through his mind. Sebastian remained silent to let Ciel finish.
"I was in darkness for so long. The person fed me and gave me stuff so that I could sleep and use the bathroom. One time they just sat in front of me for hours and did nothing but pet me. but they kept me in that cage... And then the day they finally let me out, they let me bathe myself for the first time, but after I was done, they took me to lay on a table... And branded me... As if I was an animal..." Tears now flowing down his face. Sebastian took his other hand to Ciel's arm and rubbed it back and forth, trying to provide as much comfort as possible while Ciel tried to control his heavy breathing.
"I saw they left the door open and while they were burning me, I just got away and ran... I made it outside and just kept running. I was able to stop a woman in a car and get a ride. She took me to the gas station to eat before going to the police but there were a few officers already there. I ran up to them trying to tell them I was kidnapped and get the to come with me so I can show them where I was held captive, but they said I had warrants and arrested me. They took me to a police station and then to a hospital." Ciel purposely left out the incident Ciel had with seeing his kidnapper standing in his hospital room. Even though Sebastian admitted to his own visions and felt it was safe to do so, he didn't want to ruin any chance at being believed.
"I spoke to a psychiatrist there and I told them the same story. After I told them I was feeling depressed, they put me in a psych ward until court. I went to court and then they sent me here, I guess because of where I was in the hospital." Ciel turned his head down, his dark locks falling to cover his face.
"Ciel..." Sebastian called. "Ciel, look at me please."
Ciel lifted his tear stained face and now bloodshot eyes to look at Sebastian. Sebastian's eyes fill with empathy and sadness.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I really am..."
Ciel nods slowly and sniffs. "It's not your fault..."
Moments of silence goes by with Sebastian still holding Ciel's hand and arm. A few more tears escape Ciel's eyes.
"I didn't kill my parents... I wouldn't do that. I didn't kill them."
"I believe you."
Ciel looks at Sebastian with skeptical eyes.
"Do you really?"
"I do. And I may do a lot of things, but one thing I don't do is lie. I believe you."
"Thank you." Finally feeling heard and comforted, Ciel gives a small smile.
"Can I ask you something, Ciel?"
Ciel nodded.
"When you went to court, did you give a plea already?"
"I plead not guilty."
"And you plan to maintain your innocence, yes?"
"Of course."
"You know that when you go to trial and if they find you guilty, you're going to prison for the rest of your life. You do know that?"
"I know." Ciel said sadly, remembering Judge Angela said the exact same thing.
"Ciel... I see you." Sebastian started. "You're not built for prison. You're lucky you were able to escape jail by being sent to a hospital."
Ciel nods his head, feeling tears build back up in his eyes as he thinks of what is to become of him if he were to lose at his trial and forced into prison. Again remembering what Alois said about there being too much going against him and how the judge looked displeased with his plea, probably already knowing that if there was already evidence presented to her that Ciel, did this, this trial was only delaying his fate. And there is no escaping this.
"What was I supposed to do, Sebastian? Plead guilty? No. I'm not pleading guilty to something I didn't do."
Sebastian smiled and squeezed Ciel's hand.
"I like that about you. I see strength and resilience in you, Ciel. But what good will strength and resilience do you when confined? Without the possibility of parole?"
"What am I supposed to do?" He asked defeatedly.
"Do you want prison to be an option for you?"
"No."
Sebastian lets go of Ciel and leans back in his seat and remained silent for a minute to think. Ciel watched Sebastian's face in confusion of where he was leading his point.
"If what the news is saying is true about the amount of evidence they found to convict you, you're not going to make it out of this trial with a not guilty verdict." Sebastian said honestly and Ciel looks down.
"I think... If this trial doesn't go in your favor, the safest place you can remain is here."
"How am I supposed to do that?" Ciel furrows his brows.
"We have weekly sessions with Creedmoor's psychiatrist. He diagnoses you and in your case, like Meyrin's, the judge consider the mental status of those that go to trial to sentence them appropriately."
"Meyrin was found not guilty?"
"She was found not guilty for reason of insanity."
Ciel looked at Sebastian with a blank face, asking himself if he was implying what he think he was implying to ensure his place at this institute.
"You're saying pretend to be crazy?"
"I didn't say that." Sebastian crosses his arms. "What I'm saying is keep doing what you're doing."
"Which is... what exactly?"
"What you've been doing that got you sent here in the first place."
"So... Pretend to be crazy?"
"Again, I didn't say pretend to be crazy or pretend to do anything."
"What are you implying? I need you to spell this out for me." Ciel said as Sebastian chuckles a little before inching forward and Ciel copies.
"What I'm saying is: Keep telling the truth."
"So, my truth is craziness to you?"
"No, Ciel. I told you I believe you and I do, but just because I believe you doesn't mean everyone else does. And they don't. Which is why you're here." Sebastian corrected.
"If you're telling me that you telling the truth to the police, doctors and judges is what landed you here, continue telling the truth to get you to stay here. Because Ciel..." Sebastian looks at Ciel with remorseful eyes. "The odds don't seem to be in your favor. It's not looking good for you. At all."
Ciel didn't want to accept the harsh reality sitting in front of him. He still had some thread of hope he wanted to cling to for a future. For a chance at exoneration. A second chance to rebuild his life. But Ciel looked down, understanding and accepting Sebastian's cutthroat words for the honesty and truth that it was.
A single tear escapes Ciel's eye as he kept his gaze down.
"Ciel?" Sebastian asks, tilting his head to the side.
"I just want a way out..."
Sebastian holds Ciel's hand once more and lets a few moments of silence go by before he speaks.
"I know a way out. A real way out..."
Ciel looks up at Sebastian with curiosity filling his eyes.
"What's the way?"
"...There's-"
"Phantomhive! Telephone." A staff member calls from the front door.
Ciel turns around and Sebastian looks down at Ciel's unfinished breakfast.
Ciel turns back and stands up, getting ready to leave.
"You didn't finish your breakfast." Sebastian says disappointedly.
"I'll finish it when I come back. And tell me of the way out."
"It's probably cold already."
"I'll still eat it. Just please tell me."
"Yes yes." Sebastian sighs and leans back in his seat as Ciel left the table and walked off.
Amend
Ciel follows the staff member out of the dayroom and to the calls center. The phone was off the hook and sitting in a chair next to others and the staff gestured for Ciel to go to his phone-call while he stood down the hall, giving him some sense of privacy. Ciel picked up the phone and sat down.
"Hello?" Ciel asked.
"Ciel!" Alois exclaimed.
"You called... And you and Elizabeth came to court... What happened at the hospital? They sent me to Sinai."
"I know. Lizzie and I are both sorry. We went to Sinai and they confirmed you were there, but they didn't allow you to have any visitors because it was a 'safety and security risk'."
"I thought I was abandoned for a second." Ciel gave a sad dry laugh.
"We wouldn't do that to you. I wouldn't."
"I'm just happy that you both showed up to support me in court." Happy tears brimmed at the blue eyes.
"We were happy to see you too. You didn't look so good though. You looked like even more of a twig bitch than you did before." Alois laughed, trying to lighten the mood, but still a long of sadness lingered.
"Fuck you." Ciel laughed and a few tears rolled down his face as he wiped them away.
"Are you okay though, Ciel? In there?"
"I'm hanging in there, the best way I can. It's better than jail, so I can't complain."
"We were scared of that for you too. But no one is giving you a hard time in there, are they?"
"Surprisingly, no. It doesn't seem like anyone cares or judges. I actually made a friend in here, whose very supportive." Sebastian's face appearing in Ciel's mind and he smiles to himself.
"That's relieving to hear, that you have someone in there. I'm happy to hear you're safe and okay."
"How is everything out there? How are you?"
Alois stays silent and Ciel frowns as silence is met with his question.
"Hello?" Ciel asks, making sure Alois didn't hang up or the line disconnected.
"I'm just trying to find the words..." Alois trailed off sadly. "I don't want to make this about me and what I've been through and what I'm still going through out here, cause it's you in the fucked up position." Alois voice cracks, indicating he was on the verge of tears, if not crying already.
"They were your parents too." Ciel reminds and set it off for Alois tears to flow.
"I can't... I don't wanna talk about me right now." Alois cries.
"Your feelings matter too, Alois."
"Just not right now, okay?" Alois asking Ciel to not push any further.
"Okay, whenever you're ready." Ciel stands down, respecting Alois's feelings and space. "How's everyone else? Lizzie? Tanaka? Auntie?"
"Lizzie is still hopeful that everything will turn out okay. She's on your side, even against her mother, but she believes in you."
Ciel smiles to himself. While his cousin and himself have never seen eye to eye all the time and he found himself irritated with her and felt him tolerating her presence half the time, he loved his cousin and knew that she loved him just the same, if not more. He knew Elizabeth would follow him blindly to the ends of the Earth with the amount of love and faith she had for him and to know that even when the odds are stacked against him and it goes against Elizabeth's favor, she still stands beside him.
"Tanaka is heartbroken. At first he felt as if the fire was his fault. That at his old age, he forgot to blow out all the candles before leaving that night. He still thinks of you as a son and doesn't want to believe that you did this."
Tanaka served and helped raise Ciel, just as he did with Vincent when he served their grandfather. Tanaka had first hand experience with Ciel and was at his birth. He loved Ciel dearly. Watched his interactions with his parents and the father son bond he even had with him and couldn't fathom him doing something like this to his parents. He could only imagine the disappointment and heartbreak Tanaka was experiencing by losing a family he grew to be apart of.
"Auntie on the other hand..." Alois trails off and Ciel perked up. "She's devastated and doesn't know what to do with herself. She started drinking again. No one can talk to her. I think she's still in shock."
Ciel looked down and nodded slowly as if Alois could see him.
"She believes I did it..."
"...She's just having a really hard time accepting things." Alois tried to cover, but Ciel knew.
He knew his aunt loved him, but he also knew that she was only human. And if there is so called evidence that points to Ciel as the one responsible, what was she to do?
"I'm gonna come visit you when I can, Ciel. So we can catch up... Okay? Hopefully they don't give me any issues this time. I think seeing each other in person would beat a phone call."
"I'd like that." Ciel smiles a little.
"I'll see you soon, okay. Stay strong."
"I will. See you soon."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
The line disconnects and Ciel slowly places the phone back on the hook. He exhales heavily and closes his eyes.
Before Ciel could gather his thoughts, the staff member peaked from the hall and asked if Ciel was finished with his phone call. Ciel nodded and stood to follow the employee back into the dayroom. He then remembers the conversation him and Sebastian were supposed to have concerning a way out, whether that be a way out of Creedmoor or a way out of this mess in general. He needed to know.
Amped up to see Sebastian again, he raced to the employees side and opened the doors to the dayroom himself, but frowned when he looked over to the table him and the raven haired male sat at and saw he was gone.
Amend