Author's Note: roses are red, violets are blue. if sebastian loves black cats, he'll love mine too ;)
i've given up on my 3300-3500 word limit. not my fault. :D so i hope y'all enjoy long chapters. this took me like 3 and a half days to write. im tired chile
hope y'all had a happy new year! may you all have an abundance of happiness and great health for 2024! please excuse any and all errors:)
Warning: language, lime, extremely long chapter
Disclaimer: Creedmoor Psychiatric Center is a real institution, yet fictional in this context for the story. I do NOT own Kuroshitsuji/Black Butler. All rights to Yana Toboso.
Amend
Ciel sat in the dayroom by himself in the corner. It wasn't the typical spot where he would sit with Sebastian every morning. Instead, he sat on a nearby cushioned chair.
Breakfast was served and by the taste of it, it had Sebastian written all over it, but the man was nowhere to be found that morning. And it left Ciel conflicted. While Ciel felt a feeling of awkwardness and loneliness from Sebastian's absence, a secret guilt of relief plagued him. If Sebastian was here Ciel wouldn't have known how to behave.
Indifference, hurt and rage stormed in CIel.
After seeing what he saw last night, Ciel's emotions ranged and warred within him. He tried to convince himself that he didn't care; that he shouldn't care because Sebastian had no romantic commitment and obligation to him. But his initial feelings to watching Sebastian and Claude having sex burned a hole in his chest.
In this, he almost felt justified for pushing Sebastian away and turning from his advances. Yet he also felt stupid for it. Maybe had he accepted and returned Sebastian's flirting, he could have been in Claude's position of being Sebastian's intimate partner.
Seeing Sebastian's expression of total bliss while clinging to Claude last night, burned in Ciel's mind. Then Claude... His face filled with lust but also his lack of concern or interest in Ciel's presence and being caught in such an intimate act; especially in the environment they're confined to, it was unnatural and felt as if Claude was taunting him.
He wanted to lash out at Claude, but mainly Sebastian for all the teasing and flirting he did, only to be fucking Claude when no one else was around; giving him what he should be giving Ciel, in his mind.
If only he could have met Sebastian first.
Ciel leaned back, closed his eyes and sighed. He ran his fingers through his hair and then rested his hand to his head.
Through half lidded eyes, Ciel observed the room to see that everyone there were in their usual seating. Some were still eating, some were mingling and others kept to themselves.
Blue eyes settled on the man-dog across the room who was happy in his own world. It brought Ciel back to another matter in his life that needed attention.
Ciel watched Pluto for several minutes, observing his behavior and mannerisms, trying to see if there was any hope in extracting information from him; information that could serve his innocence.
He contemplated on if, when and how he should approach Pluto. The man-dog had finished his breakfast and sat a few feet away from Meyrin, Finny and Baldroy, in his own world. Meyrin continued to eat, propping her elbow on the table, cupping her cheek while Finny, who sat closest to Pluto, and Baldroy watched the television. Pluto had a stuffed animal in his mouth and looked out the window happily.
His nerves found him again, preparing himself to speak to Pluto and after moments passing by, Ciel made his way over to the male. He tried to not draw attention to himself. For as long as he's been at Creedmoor, the only person anyone has seen him interact with was Sebastian. Even if he wasn't with the older male, he kept to himself so it would be out of the norm for him to initiate interaction with anyone else.
While Meyrin paid no mind to him, Finny gave Ciel a small smile and wave and Baldroy gave a nod of acknowledgement. Ciel gave a small wave and smile in return and the two males returned their attention to the television as he made his way over to Pluto.
The saliva drenched toy was clenched firm in Pluto's mouth while he kept his gaze to the world outside the giant window he sat by. Ciel reluctantly sat near Pluto, not wanting to startle him.
"Pluto?" Ciel asked shyly in a soft voice.
Pluto turned to him with bright red eyes. Drool dropped from his chin and he posted his arms to his chest, wrists limp to imitate paws. Ciel observed him carefully and could only hope that this would go well.
"Hi Pluto... I'm Ciel. You saw me yesterday with Finny."
Pluto closed his eyes and nodded happily. Pluto didn't give the impression that he was distrustful of Ciel and had his guard up. It made Ciel feel light that Pluto could understand him and wouldn't give him a hard time in divulging any information that Ciel needed. He thought they could possibly form a rapport and become close in case Ciel needed him involving proving his innocence.
"I wanted to ask you something if you don't mind..." Ciel crossed his hands and leaned forward slightly on the table. Pluto cocked his head to the side in curiosity.
"Um... I saw a mark on your back and I have it too."
Pluto's brows furrowed in confusion.
"A burn mark. On your back?" Ciel gestured to his own. From what Ciel saw yesterday, the burn on Pluto had no scabs or peeling; no redness or boiling. It looks as if he had it for a while, probably a couple years and Pluto didn't bathe or dress himself so it could have been something he had forgotten.
"Do you remember?"
Pluto nodded his head excitedly and panted through the stuffed animal he held.
"Do know who did it?" Desperation in Ciel's voice.
Pluto let out a small happy bark, the stuffed saliva covered toy dropping into Ciel's lap. Ciel jumped back and frowned. The toy smelled of Pluto's old and fresh saliva and his breath. Some of it got on his pants and he groaned in disgust.
Pluto panted happily, his tongue hanging out as he looked at Ciel with playful eyes. He wants to play and Ciel looked back up at Pluto helplessly, his hope for any human reply dwindled.
Ciel pinched the very tip of the stuffed toy between his index and thumb and held it in front of Pluto's face.
"Pluto?" He tried once more as he slowly swung the toy side to side, watching the man's eyes lock on the toy and nothing else in the world mattered.
Ciel sighed and flung the toy to an empty section of the room and Pluto bolted for it.
Ciel stood and wiped his fingers on his pants as he walked away from the table.
A failed attempt, he was stuck at square one. No information was given and he had nothing to build on. Every turn he made was a dead end.
Ciel held back hot tears at the frustration and just wanted release, a release of rage, anger, frustration, confusion and hurt. The overwhelming waves of emotions sped his heart as he just wanted to return to his room in peace.
The thought of returning to solitary confinement crossed Ciel's mind for a split second. He wouldn't have to face anyone for hours on end, he got to eat in the room, there was pure silence that gave room for thinking and he was alone; for the most part. Blocking everyone and everything out only felt right seeing that he was only met with disappointment and heartache.
Rich blue eyes set on the front door to the dayroom and head for it. He had nothing left in the room for him to stay and his only desire was to be alone.
Everything had proven a lost cause thus far.
Ciel approached one of the staff at the door and requested that he returned to his room. He followed behind the man and left the dayroom. They didn't make it far from the dayroom as they were stopped by Drossel.
"Mr. Phantomhive..." Drossel said and looked dryly.
"Sir..." Ciel looked up at the ginger with unsure eyes. He couldn't have known what the man wanted. He hadn't done anything to cause a disturbance of late so surely, he couldn't be in trouble, could he?
"You've been staying in your room quite a lot. You seem troubled." The man claimed, reading Ciel's dreadful and exhausted face. His shoulders slumped, eyes tired and half-lidded and kept down, and almost dragging himself when he walked.
"I'm fi-"
"You look like you could benefit from tension relief." Drossel cut him off and waved off the staff to take over.
"No, really. I'm okay." Ciel protested weakly, but Drossel just stared at him blankly as the employee departed.
Ciel couldn't care less about whatever the man offered and suggested. He just wanted to go to his room in peace and be alone.
"Please follow me." Drossel turned on his heel and walked down the hall to a staircase. Ciel clenched his jaw in annoyance, knowing that he had no other choice but to go along. He followed the man up a single flight of steps and walked down a hall; one that Ciel wasn't familiar with. A couple seconds into their walk down the hall and Drossel stopped in front of a large door that had steam slowly emanating just from the bottom of the door and Ciel scrunched his face at the sight.
The steam was hot and he could only imagine what the man had in store for him.
'Hopefully something to put me out my misery...' Ciel thought briefly.
Drossel opened the door and Ciel walked in behind him, steam washing over their bodies. Ciel stood to the side and kept his eyes on Drossel as he closed the door, noting that he didn't lock it and it made him feel safer.
Drossel turned to the shelf standing left to the door and grabbed one of the tables, handing it too Ciel.
"You have company, Michaelis." Drossel stated nonchalantly.
Ciel's brows furrowed and his eyes widened before turning, his eyes landing on Sebastian who watched them coolly from the tub he was in.
'Oh, fuck me...' Ciel cursed himself.
Sebastian laid reclined in the white clawfoot tub, a rubber pillow behind his neck for comfort and a thick canvas hammock sealing him inside while steam rose from the edges of the tub.
Only Sebastian's head peaked outside the canvas. His hair was damp from the humidity and it caressed his face beautifully while he watched the two with doe-like eyes. The sight itself was funny and it made Sebastian look more innocent than what he was all while in an odd, yet vulnerable state. But that wasn't enough for Ciel to forget what happened and Sebastian's face at the moment was nothing but a painful reminder.
Why is he here? Why him? It could have been anyone else.
Well... Everyone else excluding Claude.
Ciel didn't need this right now. With the wide range of emotions he endured, he felt he was going to snap. He could only hold a facade for so long and being around Sebastian, it felt like a constant taunting.
Ciel only made brief eye contact with Sebastian before turning his attention to Drossel. Drossel passed him and walked to a tub across from Sebastian. He opened a cabinet that set atop the tub like the others rowed in the room. Hot water poured into the tub and Drossel turned to Ciel.
"Please, use the room in the back to remove your uniform." Drossel gestured to the back of the room and Ciel strolled to the door with a low sigh. When he returned in a towel and his uniform in his hands, he handed them to Drossel, who set it aside on a stool beside the tub.
Drossel gestured for Ciel to enter as he held the canvas hammock in his hands. Ciel turned to Sebastian to see that the man had closed his eyes, perhaps because he was resting or because he was giving Ciel a sense of privacy.
Ciel kept the towel wrapped around his body as he stepped into the tub and it wasn't as hot as it appeared. He slowly removed the towel from his body as he lowered further into the water. Ciel reclined back to lay his neck on the rubber pillow and Drossel proceeded to cover the tub with the thick fabric; tightly knotting the strings in the rings on the tub.
"Temperature will rise and you'll be free of tension." Drossel stated dryly as he exited the room without further word. The door clicked and Ciel's eyes darted to Sebastian whose eyes remained closed. The man probably had drifted off to sleep. He wondered how long he's been in here and how long he would be.
Underneath the fabric, Ciel rested his hands across his stomach and remained silent. He kept his eyes down not wanting to look at Sebastian, but the urge to look was absolutely there.
"Good morning." Sebastian spoke.
Ciel looked up at him and saw Sebastian watching with a small smile. His brows furrowed slightly and looked back down, not wanting to speak, but did so to try to keep a cap on his emotions and not lash out at Sebastian. He was angry and hurt, absolutely; but destroying a friendship, the only one he had in Creedmoor, and losing the only person that looked out for and believed in him would hurt much more.
"...Morning." Ciel mumbled.
Sebastian analyzed Ciel's face. The young man was obviously troubled and had a lot on his mind. And he had a nice guess about what it could be; at least one of the things that troubled him.
Moments went by an Ciel's face only crunched up even more as more steam flooded from the tub as the temperature rose.
"Why'd he send you too hydrotherapy?" Sebastian asked.
"To help me relax and relieve tension apparently."
"You're not relaxed?" Sebastian tilted his head.
"No." Ciel answered dryly.
"Perhaps it's the weather. Weather can impact humans mood and mental wellbeing significantly. Everyone seems to be down and tired now that it's winter." Sebastian suggested; trying to make small talk to worm his way into a conversation, but Ciel didn't seem interest. In fact, he looked annoyed. Usually Ciel would engage with him in conversation instead of giving uninterested or short responses. Even when they weren't speaking, Ciel had the expression and composure of content in his presence.
Until now.
Ciel didn't bothered to respond and he groaned lowly at the rising temperature that began to burn his wound, making it sting. He didn't want to be here in the first place; he wanted to be in his bed. Alone. Without Sebastian's presence being a reminder to the hurt he felt, adding to his emotions that were already bubbling to the surface of the bottle he entrapped them.
"Are you upset with me, Ciel?" Sebastian asked with a raised brow.
"No." He lied. "Why would I be upset?" Ciel asked sharply.
"I have a feeling that I'm getting on your nerves." Sebastian answered honestly.
Ciel was silent. Sebastian wasn't necessarily irritating him, instead he was provoking him; his emotions.
"If I'm making you upset or uncomfortable I'll leave."
Ciel's heart beat rapidly at the statement. Although he was upset, a wave of guilt washed over him for making Sebastian feel unwanted.
"You're not." He grumbled, trying to reach to his burn mark to add pressure and shield it from the hot temperature.
"What's on your mind?"
"Nothing." Ciel hissed.
"You seem upset about something." Sebastian pushed.
"You trying to paint me as upset is making me upset." He gritted his teeth at the stinging.
"Are you in pain?" Concern pitching Sebastian's tone.
"This damn heat." Ciel hissed again. "It's too hot and irritating my skin." He groaned and shut his eyes tight.
"Is it now?" Sebastian gave a small smile.
Ciel was too distracted by the pain and the temperature to reply. The scabbing wound began to itch and Ciel let out a shaky breath.
The fabric loosened and was folded forward. A chilly hand was placed on Ciel's shoulder that made his eyes snap open. He jumped forward and shifted to the side to look back. Sebastian slipped into the tub behind Ciel and spread his legs so that Ciel was sitting in between them.
Sebastian grabbed Ciel's waist and pulled him back. Ciel's back was now up against Sebastian's cold chest with the older male's cock pressed against the his lower back. Ciel's eyes widened and his face heated. He felt his own member twitch and pink swept over his face.
"How's this?" Sebastian whispered, leaning to Ciel's ear as he pulled the fabric back over them.
"What are you doing?" Ciel stammered.
"I'm rather cold so I thought I would help even the temperature." He stated nonchalantly.
Sebastian was cold to touch despite his usual ability to maintain his body heat in the cold building and even out in the snow and being in his own tub. And oddly, what he said he was intending was working. The scalding water mixed with Sebastian cold body pressing against Ciel and his burn gave off a warm tingling sensation throughout the water.
"Are you gay?" Ciel scoffed, head turned to the side to look at Sebastian.
"Are you?"
"I asked first."
"I asked second." Sebastian tilted his head playfully with a small smile.
"Tch." Ciel sucked his teeth. "Childish." He mumbled.
"Just trying to help is all." Sebastian hummed.
"Wouldn't you rather be helping Claude?" Ciel snapped at him, but shut his mouth quickly realizing what had just slipped out.
"Ah, so that's why you're upset." Amusement peaking into his tone.
"I told you I'm not upset!" Ciel snapped once more.
"Okay." Sebastian said with a grin, obviously not believing him. Ciel immediately turned away from Sebastian in embarrassment and defeat, knowing that the facade was over.
"Whatever..."
"You saw what happened last night."
A nasty twinge shot in Ciel's chest remembering the look of ecstasy on Sebastian's face and the position Claude held him in.
"Ciel?" Sebastian leaned forward with his head tilted.
"I don't care." Ciel answered coldly.
"You look really bothered for someone that doesn't care." Sebastian smirked.
"I don't."
Sebastian lets out a chuckle before snaking his arms around Ciel's waist, making the younger male shiver. "Claude is just my friend, Ciel."
"Could've fooled me. I didn't know friends fucked each other." Ciel crossed his arms under the water.
Sebastian rested his chin on Ciel's shoulder. "Does it make you jealous?" He asked lowly in Ciel's ear that sent a cold trickle down his spine. Ciel splash his hands in the water as a lump formed in his throat. He turned to curse at Sebastian for calling him out and stammered at his words; all which made Sebastian smirk at how disoriented and nervous he made Ciel.
"Get out of my tub." Ciel demanded.
"Oh?" Sebastian cocked his head. "Do you really want me to?" He asked sarcastically.
Ciel glared at him for a few seconds before huffing and turning back around, crossing his arms making Sebastian laugh again.
"Claude has a very bad sex addiction."
"He's an adult. He should control it and get help for it." Ciel stated apathetically.
"Well, he does get help for it. He's here. And he does control it. Very well, actually. It's better than what it was when he first came here. He does flirt, in his own strange way and he's disciplined, but I'm the one that indulges him. I ruined his attempts at abstinence so, I guess I'm the one that's the bad influence." Sebastian hummed.
Ciel frowns at the admittance. It had been Sebastian who tempts and initiates sex with Claude. Claude recognized his problem and made an effort to get help and help himself by giving himself boundaries, but it was Sebastian who lures Claude away from his desire for change. What he saw last night was because of Sebastian. Now he couldn't place the blame on the golden eyed male entirely, however, it still irritated him the way Claude acknowledged him but continued having sex as if it wasn't uncommon or uncomfortable for someone to stumble upon such an intimate moment.
"You two seem to have history." Ciel stated, a hint of jealousy in his tone at Claude having a specific access to Sebastian that he didn't have.
"We do, but Claude and I didn't always get along. In fact, hated each other." Sebastian smiled.
Ciel's eyes widened slightly at the thought. After seeing how close the two were, it wouldn't have crossed his mind that once upon a time, they disliked each other to the extent of hatred.
"Why?" Ciel asked, his voice raspy.
"We had a little tussle many years ago. A fight over something... silly. It didn't really matter anymore since both of us technically lost. But years passed and we crossed paths again and decided to start over. I was skeptical at first, however, he means no harm."
"He's weird though." Ciel stated bluntly and Sebastian chuckled.
"He is, but I'm his friend so I guess that makes me weird too." Sebastian exhaled in content.
Insulting Claude wouldn't take away their friendship nor would it make Sebastian detach from him. Sebastian defended him and cherished the relationship he had with him. Sebastian seemed to be a good judge of character or neutral at the very least. He gave him a chance and believed in him. If Sebastian believes that Claude is a decent person —with his own flaws and quirks, like all humans— then Ciel is bound to believe him, given that Sebastian was passing judgement with his brain instead of his heart. Guilt washed over Ciel once more for his comment.
"You're not..." Ciel said remorsefully.
"No?" Sebastian raised a brow. "I thought that's why you would reject me."
"I reject you because I don't like being teased. Like now." Ciel corrected.
"What makes you think I'm teasing you, Ciel?" Sebastian crossed his arms and leaned back.
"The flirting. I don't understand why... It confuses me when I see things like you and Claude being together, but then you go and do things like this. I don't know what your intentions are. It's like you're mocking me." Ciel's eyes lowered sadly.
Sebastian sat back and stared at the back of Ciel's head while the younger male spoke. He could hear the disappointment and confusion in his voice. Ciel took his intimacy with Claude extremely personal and it crushed him.
"I don't flirt with intentions of teasing or mocking you, Ciel."
"Then what are your intentions?" Ciel turned his head to the side and looked back.
Sebastian's eyes glow and he smirks, once again snaking his arms around Ciel's waist and locking. He pulled Ciel back, pressing his chest against Ciel's back and nuzzled his face into his neck. Ciel felt Sebastian's cock harden against his back and it made his own grow and twitch once more.
"You're...cute, Ciel. A brat, yes."
Ciel sucks his teeth and nudges Sebastian lightly in his stomach making the older male chuckle. Sebastian inhaled Ciel's scent deeply and moaned softly. Ciel could feel a tightening in his stomach and member, the same he felt the night he first pleasured himself to Sebastian.
"However, you've always been cute." Sebastian complimented warmly as Ciel blushed. "Perhaps, it's my insensitivity. You're not exactly in a positive position in life." Sebastian said, slowly pulling back his arms from Ciel. "I should sto-"
"No." Ciel gripped Sebastian's wrists, holding them in place.
"Hm?" Sebastian tilted his head.
"Don't stop." Ciel tightened his hands on Sebastian's wrists and pulled them back around his waist. "The affection, the comfort... It's nice... Don't take it away."
Sebastian smiled and laid on the back of Ciel and burying his face back in his neck. "I won't." He said before places a light kiss on Ciel's neck, making the younger male let out a shaky breath.
"I'm sorry. If what I did hurts you it won't happen again." He placed another kiss. "I won't sleep with Claude anymore." Another kiss.
"Are you sleeping with anyone else?" Ciel raised a brow.
"No." Sebastian answered honestly.
"Don't lie to me." He said sharply.
"I don't lie. You have my word, always."
Ciel let out a sigh of relief and melted into Sebastian. He closed his eyes and felt Sebastian's hand slip into his, intertwining each others finger as they sat in the tub in in silence.
Ciel didn't know exactly what this meant for the two as he didn't bother to ask. It would be way too soon to ask Sebastian for a relationship, but it feels like a commitment as Sebastian promised him that he wouldn't sleep with anyone else knowing that it hurt him. A relationship wouldn't be ideal now either; too much was happening and with already conflicted emotions and tightened sensitivity, it wouldn't be fair to Sebastian nor healthy for Ciel to make a romantic commitment that he would soon turn sour. This was the closest he could get to the man as of now. Affection and comfort was limited and he didn't want to let go of his only source of that euphoric feeling.
The two sat in silence, but Sebastian's senses advised him that something else was bothering Ciel. Ciel had skipped dinner, isolated himself and seemed to get agitated easily so recently and it was a cause for concern.
"Something else is bothering you." Sebastian said, his head still laying in Ciel's neck.
"How can you tell?"
"My demon powers."
"Yeah, okay." Ciel scoffed with a smirk.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Ciel paused for a few moments, but proceeded. Sebastian was the only one that genuinely listened when he confided in him. There was no harm or fear in venting to him.
"I think Ash killed my parents..." Ciel admitted, slight shame i his voice at how absurd it sounded, but Sebastian never judged. The older male kept his arms affectionately wrapped around him and his head rest on him.
"Really? What makes you think he did it?"
"When he sent me to the padded room, I saw a dagger that looked identical to the one my kidnapper had in his office." Ciel said as he shifted forward to show Sebastian the symbol on his back. "I had this symbol branded on me and I saw Pluto had the same on branded on him yesterday when we were outside."
Sebastian stared down at the symbol in the water with blank eyes, examining it and brushing his thumb slowly around the area.
"I thought to talk to Pluto about it to see if he would know anything about who did it."
"I wouldn't get my hopes up. Pluto doesn't speak."
"Yeah..." Ciel sighed. "I found that out this morning." Ciel leaned back to Sebastian's chest.
"Hm..." Sebastian hummed.
"What?" Ciel raised a brow.
"What makes you so special that Ash would target you?" He bluntly asked.
"Excuse me?" Ciel frowned.
"I'm just curious..." Sebastian started, propping his chin atop Ciel's head. "Suppose Ash is your attacker, what's so special about you that would make him kill your parents, frame you and then kidnap you, only for you to appear at his job and continues to torment you by leaving breadcrumbs of what he did?"
Ciel turned to Sebastian in disbelief. Sebastian technically just called him unimportant and it was rather harsh and offensive.
"Whose side are you on?" Ciel snapped.
"Yours." Sebastian replied softly.
"I can't tell. You're being really insensitive. It's like you don't believe me."
"I told you I do believe you. If you believe he did this, what would be your next course of action? I'm assuming you'd want justice, yes? I'm just asking questions you'd have to answer if you bring this up to someone else, especially someone involved in your case. I want you to make it make sense to me as it does to you."
"You're right..." Ciel looks down. He would want justice if Ash caused this, but in order to get justice, he would need evidence that link Ash to his parents murder, kidnapping and branding and he didn't have that. Pluto having the same brand mark as him wouldn't suffice and could be passed off as mere coincidence. Sebastian's logic brought Ciel back from his suffocating thoughts and it lifted a weight off him, because even he had his moments of doubt.
"You're in a very rough spot, so I can only imagine how you feel. And I hate to be the one to say it, but... You need Ash right now, Ciel. His final evaluation of you is the only thing standing in between you and prison."
Ciel listened to Sebastian's words and he felt bottled emotions begin to rise being reminded that he has very little wiggle room to snake his way out of the mess he's found himself in.
"I really have no way out of this, do I?" Ciel's voice cracked with a sad smile, tears brimming at his eyes. Sebastian stayed silent, knowing that Ciel was referring to a legal escape. He didn't have an answer for that and mentioning a physical escape was what he promised not to do unless Ciel inquired. "It's either life in prison or life in a mad house..." He trailed off.
"I'll be here with you." Sebastian gave a small smile.
Ciel's body began to shake as tears flowed from his eyes. He covered his eyes and his breathing took weight while he cried. Sebastian blinked and his face fell from a smile forming to pursed lips and furrowed brows.
"Well excuse me..." He commented as if he were insulted.
"Maybe I assumed and overreacted." Ciel croaked out.
"Maybe you did." Sebastian agreed, propping his elbow on the edge of the tub to hold his head up with his hand.
"Maybe it's just a coincidence." Tears continuing to fall from his eyes.
"Maybe it was."
"You're not fucking helping!" Ciel cries as he lashes out at Sebastian who didn't seem fazed at his outburst. "Everything is stressing me out! My life has fallen the fuck apart over something I didn't even do! My emotions are everywhere, I can't even think straight! I don't know what the fuck to do! I just wish my parents were here... I'm just confused... I need guidance." Ciel cried.
Sebastian looked him up and down, watching how distressed and sorrowful he had become as he vented. He was suffering greatly. Sebastian listened to Ciel's cries fill the room. He sat back in silence, allowing Ciel to release the feelings he endured while he thought, looking for the words to provide Ciel with the comfort and guidance he so desperately needed.
"Your parents aren't coming back, Ciel. Your old life isn't coming back. What's happened to you and what is currently happening to you is what your life is at this moment. The person that accosted you and your parents did it with the intention of not getting caught by the authorities. They planned this and rather well being that they were able to frame you. So, while I personally don't like particularly like Ash, I wouldn't think he would be foolish enough to leave breadcrumbs behind now and antagonize you this way if he did do this; and at his job of all places. If you were certain, there would be no room for confusion or giving him the benefit of the doubt."
Ciel's heaving lightened as Sebastian spoke.
"I don't believe what happened to your parent's is something you would do. However..." Sebastian shifted. "The rest of the country and legal system does. You're never going to get the support you need to prove your innocence and that's what's hurting you. It doesn't really matter if you did it or not. If you're found guilty based on the evidence they say they have against you... That will be your life... For the rest of your life. And after you're gone, that's what'll be remembered of you. And you're having a very difficult time coming to terms with this."
Sebastian leaned forward and gently took Ciel's hands back into his.
"Because of this, I believe what you're experiencing the stages of grief. There was the shock and denial in your parents passing; being unable to shoulder the predicament you're forced to face. It's suffocating. And understandably, you'd blame yourself or find someone else to blame... And it leads you to anger. It's not always violent or even recognizable in whom experience it, but you lash out, you have emotional outbursts, uncontrollable and overwhelming urges and feelings. A normal emotion. One that invokes the desire for change to bargain for a different outcome."
Sebastian gave a light squeeze to Ciel's hand he held and Ciel wiped his tear filled eyes.
"You wish for your parents to come back; to guide you in spirit. You ask yourself what you could've done differently to prevent what happened and only when you realize that your bargaining is met with a dead end is when the depression hits. You feel heavy, tired, confused, stagnant, wanting to isolate yourself and may even think of ending your life; believing it would be worth it if it means an end to the suffering. You'll come and go from these stages as your personal journey in grief sees fit; all of which is normal. What you can't come and go from... Is acceptance." He embraces Ciel again. Ciel's body calmed in Sebastian's hold; his shaking no more now feeling Sebastian body heat returning.
"Acceptance doesn't always mean what you believe is a happy ending. It doesn't mean closure. It doesn't mean you've gotten over your loss and you don't have to. Acceptance means that you've accepted the loss. Accepting your life for what is was before your loss and what it's now become after." Sebastian nuzzled his face into Ciel's hair and closes his eyes. "And that's why I believe you having hope for the inevitable is something negative. It's keeping you in the stage of denial and it's preventing you from reaching acceptance. It'll be a passing feeling or a phase, but once you've made it past the grief and reached true acceptance, you'll have nothing to be confused about, nothing to deny, nothing to be angry about, nothing to bargain for, nothing to be depressed over. Nothing will hurt anymore..." Sebastian moaned lightly as he exhaled.
"That's where you need to be. And I don't believe you'll be able to step into the final stage of acceptance until you hear that verdict at your trial. However, this is only the beginning, so your journey through grief may not truly start until after that verdict. And whenever or if ever you're ready for the help that I'm willing to give, a true way out, the only thing I can do... Is provide comfort until then." Sebastian finished.
A last single tear fell from Ciel's eye, resting his hands atop the strong arms that embraced him. Silence filled the room and they sat in each others embrace for several minutes, allowing Ciel to reflect on Sebastian's words.
He turned to face Sebastian, looking in his eyes and wondering what type of life the man lived that would lead him to understand and articulate this phase of sorrow so well.
Despite his diagnosis that would stigmatize Sebastian as someone who was erratic, disorganized and apathetic, Sebastian looked or did nothing of the sort. There was no implications or signs of him being disheveled, ill, or unhappy. He was always articulate, welcoming, presentable and easy to talk to. And if he did happen to be of all those things, he hid it rather well.
Sebastian looked back at Ciel with tender eyes.
"Whatever you've been through... You don't look anything like it."
Sebastian smiles at the compliment. "I've quite an interesting life, I've learned a bit. And a few years in a loony bin exposed me to a lot more to the tribulations of humans, so that's a plus."
"Well, despite being in a loony bin, you have a lot of fine qualities."
"Oh?"
"You always know what to say. You're really... Wise."
"Wisdom is cultivated from experience and good judgement. You're still young, Ciel." Sebastian ran a hand through his hair and Ciel wondered just how old Sebastian was.
"I could use some of that wisdom." Ciel gave a small smile.
"You'll get there. Contrary to what others think, I believe you have a good head on your shoulders. This experience of great loss and grief and overcoming it is unfortunate, but it might set you on the right path."
"That's a long path..."
"It is. And not an easy one. I can only encourage you to allow yourself to feel and flow through these phases as your soul sees fit until you reach acceptance. Trying to rush it will only make you weary and the journey much longer."
"You make everything make sense." Ciel's voice lowered.
"Really?" Sebastian tilted his head. "I thought I wasn't helping." He teased as he leaned to Ciel's face, gently slicking his hair back.
"Shut up." Ciel slowly leaned in to meet Sebastian halfway. "You helped..." He breathed.
"I aim to please~." Sebastian cooed with a smirk, slowly brushing his thumb back and forth on Ciel's cheek, inching close so that their noses touched. Ciel's breathing ragged under sebastian's touch and the closeness.
"Your escape scheme needs some tweaking though." Ciel smiled and Sebastian chuckled. "You never answered my question neither."
"Which was what?" Sebastian cocked his head.
"If you have everything planned out, why haven't you escaped?"
Sebastian stared into deep blue eyes and smiled. "I hadn't found who I needed yet to come with me."
"Claude wasn't who you needed?"
"It's complicated. He just... Doesn't have what I need..." Sebastian eyes glow with amusement and desire. "But you do."
Ciel's heart skipped and a his hair raised on the back of his neck. Even though Claude and Sebastian had been so intimate, had much more history than he did with Sebastian, the man hadn't felt Claude was enough. In a way, it felt like Sebastian waited for him and now that he had him here, he finally felt he had an incentive for grasping at his own freedom and Ciel couldn't help but relish in the feeling of being wanted by some he desired.
"Are you sure about that?" Ciel leaned closer.
"Without a doubt." Sebastian whispered. "I just need you to trust me."
"I do." Ciel inched his lips closer, lightly brushing Sebastian's.
"Good." Sebastian smirked.
Ciel jumped as the door to the room opened, showing Drossel standing in the doorway. Ciel's heart raced in the awkward silence. He looked too Sebastian to see that the man was composed, emotionally unmoved just as Claude had been last night.
Drossel sighed and stepped back with the door handle still in his grasp.
"This is not good." He stated, voice void of emotion as he closed the door, heading to Ash's office to inform him of the sinful indecency he stumbled upon.
Sebastian rolled his eyes as he stood up, the fabric folding back.
"Here we go..." Sebastian sighed as he stepped out of the tub while Ciel sat still, wondering what was to become of him and what punishment he would endure when the man returned.
Amend