13. I Loved You Too Much

See SVU 24x13 for the hostage situation conversation.

The words echoed through her mind. I loved you too much. It made me feel vulnerable, and you know how messed up my family was. I didn't know how to love…

She honestly didn't know if that woman meant it, or if she wanted her husband to put down the damn EMT shears, but her words resonated within her.

Over the years Olivia survived many hostage situations. She even negotiated her way through many of them, but this woman's words stayed with her, causing her to deep dive into her own weakness and avoidance of vulnerability. Thinking about vulnerability and fear always led to thoughts of Elliot.

She sighed. I loved you too much. Maybe that was the issue. Her deep love for Elliot made his abandonment turn into a deep chasm of grief she didn't dare cross. The hurt dug as deep as the love, and the idea of him inflicting more of that kind of pain, however inadvertent, made her recoil in fear.

She didn't notice where she was driving until she was there, sitting in her SUV outside of Elliot's apartment. What was she thinking? What was she doing here? She put her car back into gear but couldn't release her foot from the break. So she just sat there.

A tap on the window made her nearly jump out of her skin. Elliot's face peered through the passenger side window. She rolled the window down.

"Damn it El you scared the shit out of me." Her hand on her chest.

He laughed a little, "You are the one sitting outside my home like a stalker."

Touché She thought.

"You gonna come inside or sit out here forever?". He tilted his head towards his front door.

She smiled sheepishly, and turned off the engine. "Inside." She followed Elliot into his building, feeling a combination of nervous, embarrassed, terrified.

Elliot opened the door for her, allowing her to pass by him. His dimly lit apartment and his casual attire, joggers and a hoodie, made her realize how late it was. She froze, "Shit Elliot I didn't realize what time it was. I just came off a case and I didn't check…"

He waved her off. "It's fine Liv, I wasn't sleeping or anything." He pushed his hands deep into his pockets and leaned against the wall. "What's up?"

At this point she felt like she was coming unglued from her nerves and she honestly had no idea what she was going to say. She wished she could just leave without looking like a total idiot. "Um." She shifted uncomfortably. Those damn blue eyes made her all the more nervous.

He sensed her tension, "Wanna sit down?"

Words. She could do words. "Yeah," she said, following him to the couch.

They sat, and she was wondering when she became so awkward. "So, you want to tell me about this case?" He prodded.

Good place to start. She thought. She told him about their victim and how it turned into a serial. She walked him through everything until they got to the hostage situation and then she got nervous.

"So the wife talked him down?"

"Yeah, she knew what to say and it deescalated pretty quickly from there." She glanced over at him and he waited expectantly. He apparently knew she wasn't here because of the case.

She sighed. "Something the wife said bothered me, or resonated with me I guess."

He scoot closer to her with his arm resting on the back of the couch. They hadn't been this close since that night in the kitchen, and she tried not to withdraw like she had then.

"What'd she say?" Elliot encouraged her. His arm dropped to her shoulder pulling her into him slightly. He seemed to know this was all hard for her, and just wanted to say everything, but that terrified part of her held back. "Liv?"

At this point he seemed worried and nervous too, feeding off her obvious discomfort. "She told him she loved him too much," she whispered. "It made her feel too vulnerable." She couldn't look at him, and continued to stare at her hands. His hand grasped hers unexpectedly, seeming to understand the implication, and why she was here. She looked up at him, and he was looking at her that way, and she felt her insides start to turn to jello. She knew he loved her, why was this so hard? She stared at their intertwined hands, and garnered courage.

"That's how I feel, El." She let out a slow breath before meeting his eyes. "I'm terrified. I love you too much. I have always loved you too much," She dropped her eyes again, "and you left, and if you disappeared again.. I don't know…" The thought tapered off.

Her eyes finally met his again, surprised to see the tears beginning to well there. He cupped her face in his calloused hands and she leaned into his touch, savoring his closeness.

"I'm sorry I left," he said simply. He brushed a tear from her cheek, "But I promise you I'm never leaving again."

She wanted to believe him. Her gut told her, he was being honest, but letting go of her fear felt impossible. Maybe some honesty of her own could help. "I want to trust you again."

His hands dropped to her shoulders and pulled her into a hug. "I want that more than you know," he admitted. "But I understand, and I think what we need most is time."

She nodded. Hopefully with time, he could earn that trust again. She understood things would never be as they were, but did she really want them to be. The relationship they were now cultivating felt even deeper than it had 10 years ago, but she understood it would be hard earned.

His hand pressed the back of her head towards his shoulder, and she relished the warmth of his body, and the sound of his heartbeat. She felt his lips place a glancing kiss in her hair before he whispered, "I loved you too much. I had to leave because I loved you more than I should have." He kissed her head again, "I love you so much Liv." She wrapped her arms tightly around his torso, knowing he meant what he said, and hoping with a little time, they could be whatever they wanted to be.