Chapter 94: Precautions

Heero was several hours outside of the city when Wufei called. Trowa was driving them back from an interrogation tied to one of their ongoing cases, and they were both tired. Neither the witness nor the suspect were particularly inclined to talk. The day felt like a waste, and he just wanted to get back home. It was the end of Duo's first week working as an official, on the books Preventer. So far it looked like the job was going well, and life was gradually moving forward from the chaos of L2.

Things weren't entirely back to normal, though.

With their injuries mended, everyone was back on full duty. Wufei, himself, and Duo were all cleared for field work, though Une seemed to be giving them light assignments to ease them back. Wufei was medically cleared quickly, and Duo shortly after, but he didn't go back to work. He didn't even work remotely for a time. Instead, Duo stayed with him and took care of him.

Heero suspected this was partly to clear his head, and partly to reassure himself that they both survived. He knew Une encouraged Duo to take time off in tandem with him, pushing his stubborn lover into doing what he wanted without making him ask for it. By letting him know the organization expected him to take time off, Une enabled their downtime without making Duo feel like he was requesting too much or showing weakness. For that, Heero was grateful. Their time together certainly healed their hearts, or at least began to mend them.

And Duo seemed okay. Sometimes he appeared haunted, but he shook that off relatively quickly. The one time Heero suggested he see a therapist to deal with everything that happened, he was met with annoyance and a little anger. But Duo was moving forward and they were spending a lot of their time together, to the point where he missed his partner already, and he and Trowa were only gone since morning. Hopefully Duo would come over to his place in the evening. He really wanted him to stay over, too. The more time passed, the more he wanted Duo to stay permanently.

He was leaning against the passenger window, hair falling over his face and across his eyes, as he wondered if he was a little too worried about his love. Duo could handle himself. He trusted him.

Then his pocket vibrated.

"Chang? What's going on?"

"I think something's wrong with Duo."

He sat up, alert, and Trowa cast him a side glance. Quickly, as though it somehow mattered on an audio call, he tucked his hair behind an ear and made himself presentable.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know. He's not talking about it. He's been very quiet all day. And he refused to have lunch with me. Said he had plans."

"Duo? Plans? I'd love if that were true, but lately it seems unlikely."

"Right. I just wanted you to know. He said he'd be back in an hour and I almost tailed him but thought better of it."

"Why didn't you?"

He could hear Wufei make a sound of disapproval.

"We can't hover that much, you know? He's an adult. He can take care of himself."

"Good. But if you really believe that, why are you calling me?"

A moment of awkward silence passed between them, and Heero almost thought Wufei hung up.

"I can't help worrying. It's been over a month, and it's all still difficult. I didn't expect him to pick up and move on quickly, but I still want to give him as much support as I can and I'm not sure yet how to do that. Still, if supporting him includes calling you to give a heads up over a particularly rough day, I'm willing to violate his privacy a little."

Heero relaxed into the passenger seat, sliding a bit lower and leaning back onto the window.

"You're a good man, and a good friend, Wufei."

"I really hope so."

Quatre smiled when he spotted Duo across the street. He watched as his friend glanced left and right, then j-walked in a jog across the busy road, stopping in the middle to allow cars to pass, though there was no median. Even knowing Duo wasn't stupid, he held his breath a little until the braided man was safely on the sidewalk again.

"It's good to see you breaking the law, as always."

The smile his comment earned him was brilliant. Quatre didn't trust it, for some reason.

"Thanks, Quat! Someone's gotta keep folks on their toes. You're lookin great, by the way." Duo made a gesture with his hand to encompass him. "Real happy glow about ya."

"It's been nice living in the city. And it feels good to know that home is finally a place where Trowa has left his own mark, too. I don't even think he realized how much being at my place made him feel like a guest until we had our place."

Duo grinned, but it didn't reach his eyes.

"Yeah, I bet it's been great for him. For both of ya."

"Hey, Duo?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

Duo shook his head and smiled wryly.

"You sure you didn't activate your cheat code on me?"

With a chuckle, Quatre replied "No. I just learned to be a better friend is all. Wanna talk about it?"

Violet eyes dropped contact and glanced a block away. Quatre couldn't tell if he was seriously examining something, or just delaying his answer.

"Nah, not really. What I wanna do is grab at bite at that food cart. I hear they got pretty good doner kabob."

He began to walk without waiting for a reply, and Quatre followed. After a few steps, Duo spoke up again.

"Wufei's been radiating worry all day and I needed a break. But right now I don't particularly want to be left alone with my thoughts, or be cooped up in some building, so I figured I'd see if you were busy."

"I'm guessing that means it's once again not a good time to talk about what you said on L2?"

"Definitely not."

"Are we ever going to talk about it? The things you said about my father, about me—"

"It's nothing. Don't worry about it."

"It isn't nothing to me. It meant a lot to me."

Silence grew between them, and Duo's eyes were glued to the food cart in what became very clear avoidance. He looked incredibly uncomfortable and tired. Quatre decided to give him space on that particular topic, and soon smelled something wonderful.

"Holy shit that smells good."

His comment broke Duo out of his funk.

"I know, right? I've been eyeing this cart for a long while but I keep missin them. And everyone else seems set in their routines. They got favorite spots by HQ and don't wanna try something new. Figured with you not actually workin here you'd be up for anything."

"I'm glad you texted, Duo."

After a slight pause, Duo responded.

"I'm really glad you answered, Quatre."

They stopped in front of the truck and breathed in the distinct smell of lamb, marinated and roasting. Quatre wondered how hot it must be in the truck with not one, but two vertical rotisseries working.

"Well!" He leaned towards Duo. "I know what I want, so I'm going to order. If you know, feel free to add in, I'm treating."

"You already know what you want?"

"Of course!" Quatre stepped forward. "I'll take the house doner, please."

He caught Duo's grin as the other man called "Make it two!" It encouraged him to elaborate.

"Really there's only one good way to judge a new place, and that's—"

Together, the two finished Quatre's sentence,

"Their specialty!"

They looked surprised, to find themselves completely in sync for once.

"Damn, Quat. You're smarter than I thought."

For a moment the two friends just smiled at each other.

After Quatre scanned his phone for payment, they watched the truck operator pull out a long knife and begin to slice off shavings of meat. Her knife was sharp, and she made sure to only slice off sections where there was good char built up. From the smell alone Quatre knew they'd be in for an excellent lunch, but watching her work was an added treat.

Without taking his eyes off her, he addressed his friend.

"Since we're not talking about what's bothering you, or what I've tried to bring up on multiple occasions already only for you to shoot me down like you're Heero and I'm Libra," his companion snorted out a laugh, "would you like to hear about what's bothering me today?"

Duo's eyes shot to him, and he looked genuinely excited.

"Come on, dish! What's eatin ya?"

Quatre leaned forward, his blonde hair falling into his eyes for a moment, a breeze ruffling it.

"I love Trowa. Don't get me wrong I love him and I love living with him. And I'm thrilled he's taking initiative in our home. But he brought this... painting that he'd hung at my place. I was hoping he'd forget it there. It's just so ugly and I know his tastes, it doesn't match what he likes! And..." Quatre made an exaggerated face of disapproval. "Why are you laughing?"

Duo covered his eyes with one hand as he shook with amusement, trying and failing to suppress hid delight. Quatre understood there was something more to that laughter than just finding his dismay funny.

"What do you know? Do you have information about that god-awful painting? Tell me!"

It took a few seconds for Duo to gather his wits about him. In the meantime, the woman called their order, and they grabbed their sandwiches. Duo immediately peeled away the wrapping at one end and took a bite. He hummed his approval and closed his eyes to savor the taste. Quatre just looked at him, waiting. When he opened his eyes, he called out to the truck operator.

"DAMN THAT'S GOOD!"

She smiled.

They began to walk again, and it became clear Duo intended to eat while walking through a small corporate park. Quatre peeled back his own wrapping.

"You sure you wanna know about that painting?"

The blonde man exclaimed "Yes!" before taking a bite. Then his feet stopped working, and his face lit up. Duo watched him with a knowing smile.

"Good, yeah?"

"Better than good! What the hell did that woman do? Is this witchcraft?"

"I think so."

"Duo. I can't disrespect this food by walking and eating. We need to sit somewhere."

With a gesture towards an empty bench, Quatre abandoned Duo to rush towards his new seat and take another bite. He hummed his approval, much like Duo had moments before.

"Hot damn is this yogurt homemade?"

"Maybe."

"Duo this is really good. How did you know?"

"I dunno, I just did. Sometimes you see a place and you know."

They ate in companionable silence, each taking care not to let any of the juices from their sandwich drop to the ground and go to waste. Halfway through, Quatre reminded Duo that he owed him an explanation for the artwork, but after they were done eating. When Duo finished first he mumbled that he'd be back. Quatre watched, confused, as his friend ducked into a random office building. Moments later he returned with two beverages.

"Couldn't hold a sandwich and a drink, but I got ya sparkling water with lemon. I've seen you order it before."

Quatre smiled, his mouth full. Then he watched Duo look around the courtyard as though he expected someone they knew to show up. The way Duo suddenly glowed with happiness before whispering to him made Quatre incredibly proud of how far they'd come.

"Okay, so listen, Quat... You know I ain't the type to say things that are told to me in confidence and whatnot, but I'm gonna make one exception here." Quatre swallowed his food. "Because the story of that painting? It's inextricably linked to me and I feel the reasoning for its existence is no longer valid."

"To you?"

"Yeah, me."

It was Quatre's turn to glance around, and they both knew how ridiculous they must appear, pretending to be covert while outwardly being as suspicious as possible. Still, it made them feel like kids again, and that was wonderful.

"Duo. You've got to tell me what's going on and why that ugly, primitive, just obscenely awful painting has anything to do with you. Tell me how its existence in my life, how it torments me in my home, how it makes my eyes want to bleed, has anything to do with you. How the hell did you become the reason for Trowa initiating my slow loss of sanity?"

With a grin Quatre knew well from the war, Duo took a sip of his iced tea and asked, "You remember when Tro took me to that art gallery after the incident at HQ?"

Heero could faintly hear Duo's voice though the door to his apartment. For a moment he hesitated to enter, listening while his partner was unaware. A small smile found its way onto his face, hearing Duo's voice. He hoped to have many more days when he'd arrive at home to that sound. He planned to have that in his life. Eventually, he opened the door.

"Duo?"

"Hey, Ro! Hope you don't mind but I took out your trash, picked up your mail, and watered your plants. Just about done emptying the dishwasher. It's Friday, so I added two drops of the fertilizer you keep under the sink. Thought I'd get all that outta the way before ya got back. Been lookin forward to you comin home. And unless you feel like eating now, I thought maybe we ought to order in somethin late night tonight after spending time together. What'd ya think? And how was your day?"

Heero stood in the doorway, his shoes still on, staring at his partner. He was standing in his kitchen, the dishwasher door open and a teapot in his hand. Duo must have picked up on his habit of unwinding with hot tea and brewed some for them. He looked... happy. Nothing like Wufei described. Dread began to seep into his bones. Was Duo hiding something from him?

"Ro?" The braided man paused just before pouring the tea and put everything down. He walked around the counter to stand fully in view, then tilted his head almost comically to one side. "Do I got somethin on my face? Why're you staring?"

Heero shook his head a little to clear his thoughts.

"It's nothing."

Before he knew it, Duo was within arm's reach, examining him. His lips turned into a slight frown. Normally if he came home to find Duo there, he'd be greeted with a kiss. Today there was some distance.

"You look tired. Rough day? Maybe this wasn't a good idea tonight. How about I help you take off those boots and I let you sleep the day off? I won't even bother you. Hell, I might just join you."

"No!" The urgency of his own voice startled him. He reeled himself back into control. "It's fine. I am tired, but seeing you gives me some energy back."

"You sure? Because you look awfully beat."

He forced himself to smile.

"I'm sure."

Duo didn't seem to buy it, but he always saw through his forced smiles. Sometimes he loved that, how he couldn't always hide his feelings. But other times it felt stifling. This time he wanted to hide his worry, but his baka was too attuned to him. In an attempt to avoid eye contact giving anything else away, he bent over to untie his boots.

"Okay, babe. Just... It's fine if you wanna do something else. I can delay my plans."

He paused on the second boot. Duo hadn't actually told him what his plans were beyond spending some time together. Before asking, he finished with the second boot and deposited his shoes.

"What exactly are we doing?"

Though his smile was hesitant, Duo's eyes were bright.

"I uh... figured maybe it was time to comply with your request."

Not following, he asked "What request?"

Duo bit his lower lip, then held out a hand to help him off the floor. He took the offered hand and was pulled up and into his partner. Arms wrapped around him, and Duo whispered against his ear.

"You wanted me to dominate you, right? I thought we could take turns."

The dread was back, and it took effort to pull away. Without looking into Duo's eyes he made his way to the couch. His limbs felt heavy, like he was underwater. Once he hit the cushions, Heero leaned back and flung an arm over his eyes. He let out a sigh.

"What are you avoiding?"

He heard Duo approach and felt the cushions dip as he sat near.

"What're you talking about, Ro?"

Those words ended him. He didn't have patience after the day of fruitless interrogations he and Trowa endured, and he was frustrated with his partner feigning innocence.

"Just over a week ago you told me you were being good and didn't want to have sex as a distraction from your problems. Why are you doing this? What are you so eager to avoid that you're going back on your word?"

A long silence settled in, and eventually it made Heero so uncomfortable he removed the arm from over his eyes and turned to look at Duo. The expression on his face was an unreadable mix, but hurt did come through clearly. He sat up, surprised by that reaction, not sure what to say.

"Am I a liar?"

The question didn't compute.

"What?"

Duo's intense eyes never left his.

"You said I'm going back on my word. Doesn't that mean I'm a liar in your eyes?"

His heart raced. He hadn't meant to say that.

"You don't have to answer. I know your slips of tongue when I hear them. I know if anyone asked you, there'd be no hesitation. No, Duo's not a liar. But you say shit like that, and it hurts."

"I didn't—"

"Heero, I was really excited waiting for you today." He turned away to look out the window. "I had a bad day, too. There was this kid waiting with his mom for the morning train and I thought he was Bastien. They probably didn't look that much alike, but it was enough of a passing resemblance to stop me in my tracks."

Duo visibly gathered himself together to keep speaking, and Heero couldn't tear his eyes away. The display of strength he was witnessing enthralled him. As a kid he didn't fully comprehend how vulnerability could be strength, but as an adult he knew that allowing someone to see your weaknesses was one of the most difficult things a man like himself, or Duo, could accomplish. It was beautiful, and incredibly brave.

"I kept seeing the fear in his eyes. His mutilated face. And I couldn't stop thinking that I should be dead, not him. It was rough, and I fell into this emotional void. I couldn't concentrate or really do anything. So I spent most of my day thinking. Wufei picked up on that mood and fuck me, that guy was anxious all damn day and it only made things worse. Had to get away from him. Had to get the hell outta there. So I arranged to have lunch with a friend, and for a little while things were nice. I forgot what troubled me. Then I got back to work and the damn anxiety storm across the room undid all my progress. I tried to think of something else. Literally anything else." He bit his lower lip. "A long time ago I learned that if I name what's good in my life, I'll have something to focus on when I'm overwhelmed by what's bad. I did that. And that kept me occupied, trying to run towards happiness if at all possible."

When Duo turned back to him there was a depth to his eyes Heero couldn't recall seeing before. He had the look of a man who faced demons.

"And I found myself thinking a whole lot about you. And us. Eventually I did shake the darkness, and I had this epiphany, yeah? One of those thought spiral kinda things led right into it. Like where one idea bleeds into another and there's just this non-stop chain of thoughts in your head? And I came to a definitive conclusion about you and me."

Subconsciously Heero held his breath.

"Turns out I don't need things to be okay. I don't need them to be okay before I let myself feel joy again. I don't need them to be okay before we have sex again. Initially I thought I didn't deserve happiness. And I thought I didn't have a right to be close to you if I was using you as a distraction, like I did before. But I'm allowed to be both happy and sad at the same time." He took a deep breath. "I was really sad this afternoon. But I was also truly happy thinking about you, and that's not a distraction, that's real."

Of course he was happy. When Heero stood outside his door he heard Duo singing to himself. It was the last thing he expected when Wufei called to warn him that Duo was feeling very down all day. He only sung to himself when he was happy and relaxed. Even if the lyrics were sad, or wistful, he sang when his heart felt light and there was no faking that. He was still certain the habit was subconscious, because Duo never seemed to realize what he was doing. The sound was wholly different from nights they got dragged to karaoke, or times he'd belt out a tune to make people laugh. There was a gentleness to his voice when he thought he was alone, or when he just subconsciously sang to himself, and Heero felt privileged to hear that. It was one of many facets he loved about the braided man. And to know thinking about him made Duo sing to himself on a day he was otherwise consumed with darkness... that was a treasure.

When Duo wrapped his braid around his hand, in a move that signaled he was feeling awkward, Heero let out the breath he was holding.

"Thing is, Ro, if I choose to live in the present, I'm bound to experience joy. And it's not disrespectful to the dead, or to my grief. I'm not avoiding anything this time. I'm... processing. I'm not putting extra effort into appearing like I'm okay so I can hide what's wrong. But I can't be sad all the time, either. And there's no reason to deny myself, or you, a fully intimate relationship just because I still feel sad sometimes. I'm gonna feel sad for a long time. But the closer we are, the happier I am."

"Duo. I... I didn't expect—"

"Of course you didn't, or you wouldn't act so annoyed at the idea that I want you, and I miss being with you. How could you expect it? I mean, it is surprising when I behave like a well-adjusted person, isn't it? Everyone always thinks I'm gonna be acting like a kid, or falling into general disarray. No one ever expects me to actually put thought into how I'm feeling, even though all I ever do is think. Sometimes it's a curse, but a lot of the time it's damn useful."

Duo stood, and a humorous smile crossed face. Heero felt his heart speed up, watching him take a few steps away, just a couple back towards the kitchen, with that smile fixed on his face. He wasn't being sarcastic. He was just being Duo. He meant it when he said no one expected him to be well-adjusted, and he wore that with pride. Something about that just thrilled him.

"Duo, love. Look at me."

His partner stopped in his tracks and turned around. The smile was still present.

"I'm still sorry for making assumptions. Out of everyone, I should know by now that you put an immense amount of care and consideration into everything you do. I should've realized on my own that you're always growing, and wouldn't make the same mistakes again."

The love in Duo's eyes was unmistakable.

"It's cool, babe. You're within your rights to spoil a mood if ya wanna. I mean I sure as hell have done that before, too! And I'm not so dumb. Sally called me dashing" his posture straightened and he held up his chin, "so I'm gonna assume I'm a decent catch, and that today's reaction is not gonna be the standard to me wanting to tear your clothes off and show you exactly how much I love you. Flattery will be the standard."

A wink was directed to Heero, along with a cocky grin.

"You're... not mad that I misread everything?"

"Nah." Duo waves a hand dismissively in the air. "Maybe a lot less turned on than when you showed up, but I'm sure we can eventually work around that if you're up for it." He winked again and it was a ridiculous and teasing thing, played for obvious but sincere comedic effect. The warmth in his smile was like sunlight. "How can I be mad at ya? You're lookin out for me. Even though you're wrong, your assumptions aren't far-fetched, they're all based on things that really happened. Things we talked about. You're just proving that you listened to me, Ro. You listened, and you care, and you're making sure we're both okay. What part of that's bad?"

Heero really looked at Duo. For some reason, in that moment, he couldn't recall the last time he really, truly looked at Duo. He took in the color of his eyes, as beautiful and bright as they were when they first met. The shine of his hair, which unlike Relena, Trowa, and himself didn't have a single strand of hidden grey. The way his nose was just a little bit crooked from a break, but you'd only notice if you were particularly familiar with him. How his cheeks still colored with life when he was happy, and the little wrinkles at the edges of his eyes that smoothed right out when he wasn't smiling widely. Heero noted his relaxed posture, how his jawline got more defined with age, and how as opposed to when they were wiry but strong kids, his back, shoulders, and arms filled out in a visual display of his fitness and strength. And he saw, more than anything, the kindness and relentless pursuit of understanding that initially eased him into friendship, then fondness, then love. That open, uniquely Duo quality that lit a fire within him so many years ago, one that still burned brightly.

"I don't see anything bad."

Oblivious, his partner smirked.

"Damn right you don't."