A more realistic version of the compass scene. No way Olivia's handles it that well. Enjoy a little pissed off angst.
"I wanted to give it to you before I left. "
Oh my hell. Here it comes. She instinctively knew where this was going. The look on his face. His demeanor. She knew.
"Before you left? You going somewhere?" Of course, he was leaving. His life had become too much, and he was going to bail. He was going to run. The man always ran.
"New case. I'll be gone for a while."
She knew she should be understanding. A member of his team just died. Maybe he didn't have a choice on the assignment. Still, her knee-jerk reaction was anger and frustration. They finally started making actual progress, and he was leaving. He always left.
She was pissed. She was annoyed. She wasn't doing this right now. She shut her laptop and made her way towards her office door. She felt Elliot's eyes on her back, but she didn't care. He was leaving, and she didn't have to listen to any of this.
Fin stood as she walked by, and his eyes darted between her and Stabler. She probably should clue him in. "You're in charge. I'm not dealing with this right now." She knew he would know what she was talking about, and she glanced over her shoulder in enough time to watch Fin block Elliot's pursuit of her. Her hip hindered her movement, so she hoped Fin could keep between them long enough for her to get the hell out of there.
-000-
Elliot knew she would be upset, but he hoped the gift and this visit would soften the blow. He had hoped she would understand why he needed to do this, but she didn't give him a chance to explain before she stormed off.
And now Fin was basically body-blocking him, so he couldn't follow her. "God Fin! Just let me talk to her!"
"I know that look on her face. You ain't gettin' anywhere near her right now." Fin's arms crossed as he stubbornly blocked his way.
Elliot glared, but Fin didn't budge. "Look, man, you're my friend, but when it comes down to it, I'm always gonna be team Olivia. And she," he glanced over his shoulder, "doesn't want to be anywhere near you right now."
Elliot wanted to punch something—or someone—but he knew that wouldn't solve his problem. Instead, he found an office chair and slumped down into it. He dropped his head into his hands. This had been the week from hell, and it was only getting worse.
Fin softened at Elliot's obvious distress. He found a chair near Elliot and sat next to him in silence. After a couple minutes, Fin finally asked, "Wanna tell me what you did to piss her off this time?"
Elliot groaned into his hands. "I accepted another UC assignment." He lifted his head to gauge Fin's reaction.
Fin slapped his hands on his knees and stood up abruptly. "You're a damn fool," he muttered.
When he started to walk away, Elliot stood to follow him. "I'm not abandoning her again, if that's what you're thinking."
"It doesn't matter what I'm thinkin'. You should be worried about what she's thinkin' because I'm thinking she's relivin' some pretty painful memories right now."
"She didn't give me a chance to explain!" Elliot defended himself with exasperation.
"Why are you takin' the assignment anyway?"
"I'm just," Elliot threw up his hands in frustration. "I don't know. I'm suffocating with everything right now, and with Jamie dying on us, I just need to get out. And we are down a team member. I have to do what's best for my team."
"You're an idiot."
"Easy on the complements." Elliot grumbled.
"No seriously. She definitely doesn't like you for your brains." Fin shook his head in disbelief.
"Okay, I'm leaving." Elliot rolled his eyes and started for the door.
"Elliot?"
"What?" He sighed.
"Give her a little space, and then just be straight with her. You two dance around the issues nonstop; I feel like I'm watching a goddamn ballroom competition. Just tell her what's goin on and how you feel about everything." Fin headed back to his desk. "Just sayin,"he muttered as he settled back into his chair.
Elliot stood for a moment, processing what Fin said. He headed for the elevators. Before exiting the squad room, he called, "Thanks, Fin!" Over his shoulder.
He heard a "yep" in return as he entered the hallway.
-000-
Olivia planned on going home or something after the incident with Elliot, but she really did have work to do. She hid out in her car for a while, laying the seat back so she could rest. Once a sufficient amount of time passed, she texted Fin.
O: Did Elliot leave? I need to finish a report, and I REALLY don't want to talk to him right now.
F: Figured. He's gone.
O: Thanks.
Once she reentered the squad room, she felt Fin's eyes on her. He would want to talk, but she wanted to get this damn report out of the way so she could nap on her couch and take pressure off her injured hip.
She gave Fin a curt nod as she passed, and she hoped he realized he needed to leave this alone for now. Thankfully, he didn't follow her into her office, and she could enjoy some silence behind the closed door.
She sighed and wandered to her standing desk. She wished she could crash on her couch, but her workload never let up, and she needed to get this done. As she circled behind the desk, she noticed the brown paper sack sitting conspicuously in front of her. She wanted to ignore it, but her eyes wandered in its direction every so often while working on the report. It finally distracted her enough to shut her laptop and open the damn thing.
She reached into the bag, and her heart leapt when she removed a small box from the bag. Only one thing came in these types of boxes. Jewelry. She was intrigued and a little nervous. Elliot had never given her anything like this, and there had to be something meaningful in the gesture.
She carefully removed the bow and took off the lid. When she pulled the tissue paper back, she felt tears begin to well in the corners of her eyes. A compass. It was beautiful. She lifted it from the box to inspect it closer. After removing it from the box, she noticed a short note on the bottom. She immediately recognized the handwriting.
Hope this leads you to happiness, Liv. You deserve it. You deserve everything.
Well, damn it. He came to her office after his colleague's funeral to tell her about a new assignment and bring her this thoughtful gift. And she shot him down. She groaned and dropped her head into her hand.
She wanted to blame her reaction on the emotional toll the last few days took, but she knew that wasn't why she reacted the way she did.
She was tired of waiting. She was tired of feeling frustrated. She finally felt ready, and he took a UC gig, delaying everything.
Her eyes dropped to the beautiful necklace sitting delicately in her hand. This was his attempt at trying. She knew he was triggered right now. She knew he was an emotional mess, but he was trying.
She groaned. She wanted to call him and tell him to come back, but he was probably just as pissed as she had been. They could have had a moment, and she blew it. Suddenly, she felt exhausted.
She dropped the necklace back into the box and closed the lid. She slid the ribbon back on and gently slid it into a pocket on her purse. She slowly limped her way into the squad room. Fin's eyes immediately followed her as she approached. "Take me home?" She asked wearily.
"Of course," he said, grabbing his phone and keys and standing. "Bruno? You good for a bit?"
"Yeah!" He called without looking away from his computer screen.
Fin read the room well and let her ride home in silence. She knew he wanted to say something, but he held his tongue. However, the silence became stifling, and she finally broke. "Okay fine. What do you want to say?"
"None my business," he said, keeping his eyes on the road.
"Seriously?" She had no patience for bullshit right now. "I'm not going to beg you to tell me. I'm tired. Tell me or don't."
"Damn. He left you extra messed up today."
"Gee, thanks again." She rolled her eyes and turned away from him, focusing on the buildings passing by.
He let out a long breath, and she knew he was trying to decide if what he had to say was worth her potential ire. "Quit the bullshit, Liv. You know what you want, and you know what he wants, so just talk to each other for once. I know he's leaving, but maybe you should hear him out."
"When did you become such a staunch defender of Elliot Stabler?" The history between Elliot and Fin was rocky at best.
"Hey. I made it very clear to him that I'm team Benson all the way. But the thing I admire about Stabler is his dogged devotion to you. He's an idiot. He can be a selfish son of a bitch, but that stupid idiot loves you. He just does all the stupid things."
She sat in silence, trying to absorb his words. He was right, of course, but the hurt and frustration didn't magically disappear because she understood him. She still felt mad. She still felt annoyed. She was still worried, and she doubted anyone could change that.
-000-
O: I think we need to talk.
E: Are you okay?
O: I'm still pissed if that's what you're asking.
E: I know. You're right, though. Your place?
O:Yeah. Driving myself is still a pain in the ass…literally.
E: When should I come over?
O: I'm sure you're working right now, but I'm at home. Noah won't be home until 6. Or you can come over later, after he's in bed… like 9:30?
E: Bell gave me a couple days off before I begin the next assignment. I'll come over now.
O: Okay.
Olivia locked her phone and set it on the end table behind her head. There was one position that didn't kill her hip and ass, and she had lived in the position for days now.
Fin was right. As always. It was actually a little infuriating. But he made a good point. Nothing would ever change if they never talked.
She blew out a long breath. There was so much baggage, and the idea of unpacking it all felt daunting. She knew he loved her, cared for her, or whatever, but he seemed to always hurt her, whether he meant to or not.
To be honest, she was also tired of the dance. speaking without speaking. The half communication. The assumptions. The innuendos. She just wanted to cut the bullshit and work this out. Whatever this was, If he was leaving, and he sounded pretty firm on that, she needed to know where they stood.
She lifted her phone to send him a quick text.
O: I'm lying on my couch and not moving. Use your key when you get here.
E: Okay. Be there in five.
Those three dots appeared and disappeared, and she knew he wanted to say something else. He must have ultimately thought better of it because eventually those dots disappeared entirely.
She sighed, locked her phone, and tossed it back to the end table. She tried closing her eyes and resting for the few minutes she had before he arrived, but her mind was too busy for that.
They had sat on the edge of this for so long, and she knew she was part of the problem, but she finally felt ready. Not just ready to move forward, but ready to trust him again. Love him again. And the thought was completely terrifying, but not in a soul-crushing, panic-inducing way. More of the nervous, excited, and apprehensive way. It had taken an eternity, but she realized pushing him away was making her just as unhappy as him leaving. If she was unhappy anyway, why not take a shot at happiness? At this point, she had nothing to lose. He just needed to stop being an idiot long enough for them to move forward.
The sound of a light knock and a turn of a key made her heart pound with apprehension. She slowed her breathing. Why did her physical reactions to him have to be so damn obvious?
"Liv?" He called as he entered, knowing she really didn't like being startled.
"Living room!" She called back.
She heard him approach. For years, she knew the exact sound of his footsteps, their rhythm, and their weight. It was comforting. The familiarity. She turned her head so she could see him better as he came around the couch.
She shifted her weight, trying to free up some room for him. "No, Liv," he said, lifting his hand. "Stay where you are. I can sit on the floor."
"Thanks," she said gratefully. "There is like one position right now that doesn't murder my hip."
He lowered himself to the floor, and one of his knees popped on the way down.
"You sure you can make it to the floor?" She teased. "Sounding a bit like an old man," she said, tongue in cheek.
"Ha ha," he responded with sarcasm. He sat and lifted his arm, resting it on the couch beside her. Impulsively, he lifted his fingers and caressed her cheek.
She closed her eyes and willed her heart to slow so she could keep her breathing even. When she opened her eyes, she found a pair of blue eyes studying her intensely.
She returned his gesture, lightly brushing her fingers across the rough stubble of his cheek. "I'm really mad at you." She whispered.
"I know." His eyes dropped to the couch upholstery.
She sighed. She called him here and needed to start this. She swallowed back her fear, "I uh," she cleared her throat, and she motioned for the box sitting on the coffee table. "I got your gift…." Her voice came out in an apologetic whisper. She dropped her eyes and then found his again. "Fin says I should hear you out. I'm still angry. Pissed really, but I shouldn't have stormed off."
"I'm an idiot," he admitted.
"Uh yeah. You have always been a little thick," she teased.
"Gee thanks."
She smiled at his sarcasm, enjoying the familiar camaraderie of the moment. A blanket of silence fell over them. As she opened her mouth to say something, he inadvertently cut her off.
"I'm a mess, Liv." He reached for her hand. "I just..." his thought trailed off.
"Well, you've always been a bit of a mess," she teased.
"Like you're one to talk," he said cheekily.
She watched their clasped hands for a moment before saying, "Maybe that's the problem, El." Her eyes found his again. "We are always going to be a mess in one way or another." She laughed ironically and said, "We've never spent any time truly being okay." She sucked in a breath and dove in. "Maybe we should deal with our shit together instead of constantly pushing each other away." She felt her anger rise again. "If you run," she said, shaking her head. "Before you say it, you are running."
He blew out a long breath. "Maybe I am," he admitted, "but I don't want to start this thing wrong."
"El," she said, lifting a hand to his face. "We started this thing a long time ago. I think it's time for both of us to stop running from it."
"I don't want to screw this up. I always screw everything up." He shook his head as he tried to fight the tears pricking at his eyes.
"You won't," she said, her voice low.
His blue eyes seemed a deeper shade as tears finally escaped from his eyes. "I don't have that kind of faith in myself."
Both of her hands found their way to his face. She watched him for a moment before saying. "I do." Her lips sealed over his.
-000-
God, she was perfect. She had always been so damn perfect. When he came tonight, he assumed she would yell at him and they would leave things as they were.
He was wrong.
Her mouth moved over his, and twenty-five years of waiting fell into place. She gently held his face as her tongue wisped across his bottom lip. He happily deepened the kiss.
His tongue tangled with hers, and he was surprised by the sweetness of it all. The affection. He had always assumed their first kiss would be all fire and passion, but this was so much better.
When she withdrew, she kept her forehead pressed to his and her eyes closed. "Do you have to go?"
He knew she didn't mean today. She meant the longer absence looming just ahead. He nodded, knowing he couldn't get out of it now. "With Jamie gone, my whole squad is a mess," he admitted. "I'm the only one who can go," he amended his statement, "should go." The pull of duty and loyalty to his team were strong. Yeah, he was running, but his team needed him.
Olivia nodded, seeming to understand. "Wanna tell me the other reasons?" She pulled back to see his eyes. "The real reasons." She prodded.
He felt his chest tightening, and he closed his eyes, trying to focus on where he was, not where his mind wanted to carry him off to. "My PTSD is bad right now." He hated this. Vulnerability. "Mama isn't helping, and Kathy..."
"She's dead, Elliot." She softly stated the awful reality.
"I know. I know. I get that, but lately. I don't know. It's probably the PTSD. The flashbacks, and the memories. I just feel this overwhelming sense of…"
"Guilt." She finished, and he nodded.
Her hand rested on his cheek. "You need to let it go, El." Her hand dropped from his cheek to his chest. Her fingers rested right over his heart. "She's gone, and now? You're only hurting yourself. Maybe you could have done better, and maybe not, but you can't change the past, and this regret," her eyes welled with tears, "will destroy you." She closed her eyes and said, "And I can't watch that, Elliot. I can't."
He cupped her cheek, and his thumb traced her lips. "I want to let it go. I just can't. And maybe that's why I'm running, because if I can't deal with it, maybe I can run from it."
She gave him a sad smile, "That really hasn't worked out for you, though, has it?"
He chuckled darkly. "I guess not."
"Then stay. Stop running from it. Let me be there for you . You don't have to do this alone."
"I feel like I've said the same words before."
Her small smile returned. "Probably." Her voice lowered, and her lips ghosted his. "Let me help."
He nodded. She was right. Of course. She was always right. "I still have to go." His eyes lifted to hers. "I don't really have a choice anymore." He had to go. Even if it wasn't about him, he had to do this for his squad.
"Okay." Her voice was a breathy whisper.
His thumb brushed her cheek, and his fingers splayed out against the back of her head. "I'll call when I can." He promised as his mouth drew closer to hers. "And when I can, I'll come straight home to you."
"Promise?" She asked, her voice filled with hope.
"I promise," he reassured quietly. He brought his lips to hers. Softly sealing the promise he had made. A promise of a future. Together.