He had laid with a woman for the first time, ready to feel the passionate force that made a man a man awaken inside himself. Now that it was over, he was still waiting for the inspiration born out of a woman's flesh. She was nice. He liked talking with her. He wasn't inspired.

Companions were unrivaled when it came to all forms of pleasure, and they were without flaw. That meant there was nothing wrong with her, and if there was nothing wrong with her, then there was something wrong with him.

It didn't really come as a surprise to find himself broken on some fundamental level. After all, other men didn't need their fathers to step in and procure a partner for them in order to rid themselves of their virginity. Other men didn't wait so long before sampling some body or another. It wasn't that he'd never had the chance. His family had money enough to attract or afford anyone willing, and enough power to force anyone unwilling. It was that... he didn't know what it was. He sort of forgot to get around to doing it.

Now that he had done it, he wasn't particularly sure if he'd want to do it again. Not even with Inara, even though none of this was her fault. His feelings bumped up against an uncomfortable fact: his father would expect it of him. It was the sort of thing men did if they wanted to be thought of as men, but he'd failed to cure himself of whatever made him lacking, despite having the best help in the 'verse. He could ask for her guidance, companions were trustworthy in these sort of matters, but that meant confessing. There was really no polite way to tell a woman you didn't enjoy her favours.

He studied her calm expression for insight, hoping the words he needed to say would come out on their own. "I wasn't sure if I would be able." That might not have been the best choice.

"I mean, it isn't that you aren't beautiful, and patient." He was pretty sure he'd once heard that patience was a desirable trait in a lover. "But I don't know how people decide they want to be together, and I wasn't sure if I could make myself cooperate. When I learned father made this appointment, I was afraid I would fail you. I realize this isn't your first time being someone's... first time," He faltered. It was unrefined to bring up her past clients. "When someone is learning to do these things with another person, how long does it take to want it?"

"Not everyone does."

"You've had clients who don't enjoy these things? Why did they lie with you? They can't all have been..."

Her smile was gentle. "I mean, not all people feel the inclination toward sexual acts. Not everyone desires others in that way." She stroked his brow as she spoke. The gesture made him relax in a way having her touch other parts of his body didn't. His mind stilled to better let her words sink in. "Have you ever heard of being asexual?"

He hadn't.

"Sex isn't innate for everyone. Some people will never want to. It isn't something learned or unlearned, it's part of who they are."

Once again he was waiting, this time for the epiphany to strike and hand his life new meaning, or his senses new understanding, or at least a sensation like the orgasm he didn't have. This didn't feel like anything new. This felt like what he'd been feeling his whole life.

"Oh." He said, wishing he could replace it with something better even as the sound escaped. A companion was as skilled in conversation as anything else, but he wasn't making it easy for her.

She let him lay with his thoughts for a while. What she had given him was merely a word, a convenient way to name his feelings. It didn't make him any different from what he was before, or more mature for that matter.

If there was a word for people like him, then that meant he wasn't alone. He wasn't anything strange or defective or incomprehensible. It wasn't an epiphany, but it wasn't bad either.

His father so wanted this to make him a man. He briefly considered asking her to explain it to his father for him, only to reject the idea. Getting someone else to fight his battles for him didn't feel like the sort of thing a man would do. He might not have been changed by this, but he had gained new insights and new knowledge. He didn't feel different, but he did feel more comfortable with himself. He felt more ready to stand up for himself, to be who he was instead of who his father wanted him to be. That sort of thing was enough distinguish a man from a boy as far as he was concerned.