Disclaimer: I don't own Fire Emblem Awakening or any of the songs I parody/use here, all rights to the owners.
Minor: Dark Flier, Immortal, Boxer (Pugilist), Exploitive, Swordmaster, Angry Cinnamon Roll, Tripping, Perpetual Cheer, Chef, Blacksmith, Pegasus Knight, Teacher, Librarian, Masochist, Literal-Minded, Authoritative, Middle Age, Wyvern Rider, Aromantic.
Standard: Elemental, Deaf, Foreign, Future sight, Tiny, Nurse/Medic, Valmese Tactician, Medusa, Amazon, Genderfluid, Gift from Validar + evil to good, Mind Control, Banshee, Dancer, Mimic, Emotionless, Crippling Overspecialization (Idiot Savant), Coward, ESP, POW, PTSD, Magician, Mute, Savage, Handicapped, Secret Helper, Crazy, MPD, Morpher, Dreamwalker, Motherly, Lich, Twins, Regenerating, Animal Whisperer, Naga/Tiki Assistant, Sleepless, Plant, Fairy, Deadly Touch, Mind Reader, Doppelganger, Arachne, D&D magic, Umbramancer, Historian, Horror Monster.
Unlikely: Chrom's child, Minotaur, Paladin, Werewolf, Assassin, Future Soldier, Bounty Hunter, Weather control, Kleptomaniac, Druid, Steampunk, Shadow Familiar, Magic Augmentation, Lucky, Exile, Piper (Charmer), Gladiator, Witch Doctor, Centaur, Drunk, Demon, Punk, Harpy, Revenant, Luck Manipulation, Demon Summoner, Megalomaniac, Kitsune, King of Plegia, Mood Ring, Reverse Aging, Hammerspace, Prostitute, Demon Hunter, Cyborg, Maid/Servant/Butler, Deadlord, Rebellion, Einherjar, Trap, Yandere, Living Weapon, Size Shifter, Queen of Plegia, Gluttonous, Stretchy, Ninja, Alchemist, Protoss, Spirit Manipulation, Invisible, Plegian Honor Guard, Mecha, Kryptonian, Creator, Orc, Memory Stealing Respawn, Racer, Khan, Elder God, Misfortune, Vampire Hunter, Geokinetic, Imaginary Actualization, Death, Resurrection, Arachne, Force, Merchant, Background Music, Variable, Civilian, Natural Disaster, Mental Noise Projection, Hidden OP.
Other: Pokemon Trainer, Self-insert, Second Generation replacement, Dimensional Walker, Cycle, Fates.
Bard Robin, requested by Guest. Well, less a bard and more a songwriter/one-man-band. A lot of these songs aren't recent, so depending on what old media you've seen/heard you may or may not have any idea what these songs are parodies of. Also, adding songs to a story is hard, they don't fit the flow.
I'm also not a songwrite. I know these don't flow with the original songs, but it's the best I could come up with. Also, this website really doesn't like empty spaces, so I had to get creative with dividing the stanzas. I used a # because it's the only thing I could find that the website doesn't delete upon saving.
"In honor of your birthday, I've written you a song!" Robin says dramatically as he brandishes his so-called guitar. 'So-called' because that thing makes dozens of different noises that guitars certainly can't make.
Robin is a one man band with only one instrument.
"Please no." Chrom sighs.
"Sure, sure, I'll save it for your wedding then!"
"Oh gods no." The prince groans. "Can you just… never sing the song?"
"Chrom!" The red-haired man gasps and plants a hand on his chest. "You wound me! I put in all this effort and you can't even be bothered to listen?!"
The blue-haired man rolls his eyes. "After your last song, no, I can't be bothered."
"Well too bad! I'mma sing anyways!" Robin cackles. The other assorted Shepherds (and Emmeryn) all chuckle at his antics and prepare for whatever weird song Robin has thought up this time.
The bard plucks a few strings to test his instrument, making the sound of a drum, a strange heavy rumbling, and a quiet brass vibration.
"Behold, Chrom's theme song." Robin chuckles. The prince is not enthusiastic to see a manic grin on the man's face. "Ehem…"
Do you like his sword? (sword)
Sword, his magic sword? (sword)
You cannot afford (ford)
Ford, his magic sword (sword!)
Even if you could (could!)
It's bloodline dependant!
Robin expertly navigates his device to make several sounds at once. The bard had explained it before as the instrument having a "repeat" function that allowed it to play the same sound in the background while Robin himself played something entirely different, and that's what allows his one-man-band capabilities.
Chrom already has his head down on the table, trying to block out the embarrassed flush on his face. He knows exactly where this song is going.
No one else can swing a sword
With quite so much abandon (bandon!)
No one's a fitting stand-in (stand-in!)
Hack and slash that bandit (bandit!)
#
Swing, swing, swing his sword (sword)
Whenever he gets bored (bored)
He can swing his sword (sword!)
He can swing his sword! (sword!)
Sully is laughing by this point and even Emmeryn, polite as she is, can't help but giggle at the song. Lissa is trying to pry her brother's hands off his ear, but the prince is stubborn in his decision to not listen to this.
Once he broke the outer wall
While he and Sully had a brawl
He didn't really fix it
Because he doesn't know stonework!
Chrom's head snaps up and he glares at the bard. "You didn't just reveal that."
"Chrom…" Emmeryn says slowly.
"It was an accident!" The prince protests weakly as Lissa busts out laughing.
Robin is already smiling like a maniac, but the song isn't even done yet.
Swinging is his business
And by that I mean swinging swords
Please do not ignore
Do you like his sword?
#
Hah!
#
That was rhetorical
You know I am the oracle
I know you like his sword
It's made of freaking magic
#
If you don't you're lyin'
But that would be fine
Because that sword is awesome!
And you're probably jealous!
#
He can swing his sword (sword)
'Cause he is the lord (lord)
Lord of magic swords…!
Robin finishes the song with a final strum of his guitar. The assorted Shepherds applaud as the bard bows, and Robin turns towards the prince.
"Like it?"
"I hate you Robin." The prince growls, but he's obviously fighting a smile. "Did you have to reveal my secret?"
"C'mon, it was funny."
Chrom tries his best to glare, but he can't help but shake his head and sigh with a smile. "Alright, fine, maybe it was…"
###
"One, two, three, four." Olivia murmurs to herself as she moves through her practice routine. Step, twist, double-backstep, leap.
This specific set of moves is one of the hardest parts of her warmup. It's a complicated and somewhat unintuitive string of movements that requires stopping and spinning on a dime and getting a leap with no running start. By consequence the leap can't get much distance, but Olivia has learned how to get some height out of it. The faster this string of movements, the more likely she is to lose balance.
Olivia prides herself on getting this particular part right. It's unlikely to be used in a proper dance because it looks just as unnatural as it feels, but it's good practice for strange movements and quick adjustments.
"I'm surprised your hair doesn't get in the way when you do that." A male voice says, clearly amused.
"Eek!" Olivia immediately falters in her practice and spins to face whoever would invade her practice time. The bard waves cheerily to the girl, totally unphased by her reaction. "H-How-?"
"It's not like this place is abandoned." The man chuckles. "C'mon Olivia, you're just in the garden. A secluded part of the garden, but just the garden. If I didn't see you, Emm probably would have when she goes for her walk."
"Ah." The pink-haired girl flushes in slight embarrassment. "Y-Yes, well, I wasn't expecting anyone so soon."
"You can't predict the incredible!" Robin says dramatically. He pauses for effect, then says with a grin. "But seriously, I was just looking for a place to practice that wasn't my room for once. I need some fresh air."
"I can understand that." Olivia says with a nervous smile. "It's nice to practice outside."
"Yeah… so what dance are you doing?" Robin asks. "That looked a bit weird."
The dancer flushes even harder. "Th-That's a warm up, not an actual dance!"
"Oh thank Naga, I didn't want to be the one to tell you it looked weird as hell." The bard says in relief. "Like seriously, that twist and backstep looks odd together."
"Th-That's the point! It's supposed to be challenging!" The woman squeaks. "It's a warm up, it's not about looking good!"
"Isn't the entire point of dance to look good?"
"I-I- b-but- shush you!" The dancer huffs, thoroughly embarrassed.
Robin cackles and waves at her. "I'll find somewhere else practice. You keep working on that!"
"There's nothing to work on! It's a warm up!"
###
"Cower in fear villain, for I am Owain Dark!" The blond-haired boy cries as he raises his sword to sky. "My faithful blade, Missiletainn, and I will strike you down!"
"Stay back hero!" The brown-haired pegasus knight cries back as she levels her spear. "My plot will succeed, whether you're here to see it or not!"
"Will our hero stop the villainous Cynthia? Will he ever recover his captured friends? Find out in two weeks, same time, same place!" Robin says as dramatically as he can as he pulls the curtains closed in front of the two youths.
All the little kids seated in front of the stage give varying responses of disappointment and excitement, and the bard known Owain and Cynthia will be happy. Disappointed or excited, it means the kids are engaged.
Robin is still surprised those two managed to turn their Justice Cabal antics into entertainment for the little kids. He knows the childminders appreciate the hour to relax; it's hard to watch two dozen kids with only three people.
The bard has agreed to play the part of narrator because he's free on this particular day, and he knows the other future children are regularly dragged into this show so that it can have extra characters.
The funniest show had to be when they dragged Gerome into playing a jaded antihero. It was hilarious watching him try to be dramatic, even though if he'd just acted like himself he would have fit the role a lot better.
"So, did they like it?!" Owain asks breathlessly as Robin comes around the back of the stage.
"Did they, did they?!" Cynthia chirps.
"When have they ever not?" Robin chuckles. "Of course they did."
The two future children give each other a high five. "Yes…"
"We have to prepare for next week." Cynthia says.
"Oh, right. It's the finale." Owain nods. "We're gonna have to get Noire, Severa, and Brady again."
"And I'm going to have to train Snowflake for her part." The pegasus knight remembers. "Ooh, we have a lot of work for next show."
"You were said you were going to write a song for next time right?" The myrmidon says to the bard, who nods affirmatively.
"I have a glorious song in development." Robin says with a grin. "You two are going to love it."
"Can we have an early hearing…?" Cynthia asks cheekily.
"No way!" The bard chuckles. "I can't let you hear anything but my best!"
"Aww…"
"Well, I think we should part ways at this point. We both have practice to do after all!" Robin says with a smirk.
The three part ways with Robin retreating to his room. The large room is a mess of music sheets, maps, and notes. It's controlled chaos in Robin's eyes, a disaster in others'. Robin knows where everything is though, even if no one else does.
"Let's see here…" The bard mutters as he grabs the correct sheets from his desk with what he has written of the song. He settles his guitar on his lap, prepares the repeating music, and says: "let's give this a shot…"
The daring Dark of mystery
Champion of right!
Swoops out from the shadows
Owain owns the night!
#
Cynthia sits and schemes
But her luck is up!
(Three two one!)
Owain Dark!
(When there's trouble he'll bring the tussle!)
Owain Dark!
(Let's get dangerous!)
Robin pauses, hums the song again, and frowns. "Hmm… Trouble and tussle? Not great, but nothing good rhymes with trouble…. Also, 'sits and schemes' isn't working."
The bard turns to his sheet of music, notes down a few other ideas, and starts experimenting once more.
###
"Robin, buddy, pal."
"Inigo, flirt, annoyance."
"You wound me!"
"And you hurt my ears."
"I'd almost think you didn't like me Robin!"
"And you'd be right."
"Yet you tolerate me anyways."
"Well I think Lucina would be a bit disappointed if one of her friends came moaning to her because I kicked him out of my office."
"Wha- I would not go moaning to Lucina!"
"Sure you wouldn't… So why is it that she's always patching you up after you get punched in the face?"
"Because Brady won't, and I don't want to ask Lissa or Maribelle."
"What about Anna?"
"She charges money!"
"And? You waste enough money on pretty girls already."
"W-Well I have to be conservative somewhere."
"And it's nothing about the fact you go to Lucina, who's super busy all the time, and not… say... Noire who also knows how to patch wounds."
"O-Of course not! It just happens that she's around at the time."
"Sure, sure. So what do you want? Why are you here? I'm not helping you get into a bar."
"I'm old enough for that already! And I'm here because I need your help with something."
"What?"
"I need a song."
"I'm not going to help you serenade someone."
"No, no… I want one for my mother."
"For Olivia?"
"Yeah. Her birthday is coming up in a few months, and I think it would be cool and a bit funny if, say, you could sing a theme song about her."
"Oh-ho, a theme song huh? Well I do seem to specialize in those."
"Right!? Mother would be so embarrassed, but I think she'd love it."
"Aha, alright. I can do that."
"Right! So how much do I owe you?"
"You owe me… hmm… an answer."
"A-An answer?"
"Yeah. Tell me honestly: why do you go to Lucina?"
"You're not going to let this go, are you?"
"I'm curious. Humor me."
"I… I have a crush, alright?"
"Really? The casanova wannabe has a crush? What a shock."
"I'm serious!"
"Whatever you say Inigo… just be sure that's true. Chrom won't take kindly to someone messing with his daughter."
###
The red-headed girl raises an eyebrow. "That has to be so weird calling your father by his first name."
"You have no idea." Inigo sighs. "I mean, I can't tell him I'm his son! He and mother barely have a relationship to speak of… and he always sounds so disappointed. It hurts."
"Well you are a womanizer."
"I am not!"
"You totally are." Severa snorts. "Imaging Virion, except he he's not nearly as smart as he claims to be and sucks at wooing people. That's you."
Inigo winces. "Thanks Severa."
"What? It's true. You want me to sugar-coat things?"
"No, no… that wouldn't be like you." The boy sighs. "There's more to me than that though, you know?"
"Sure. We just never see it." Severa scoffs. "I'm sure you pet puppies in the few seconds a day you aren't chasing skirts."
"Biting as always Severa…"
###
"S-So can you play it?" Olivia asks tentatively.
"This? Easy." Robin scoffs. He strums the notes with ease. "Just tell me when you're ready."
"Okay…" The lady stretches quickly and settles into her starting position. "Alright, lead in."
Robin strums the first few chords, and Olivia springs to life when she hears her cue. The music is for a ballet, and the pink-haired lady moves appropriately. Robin wasn't aware she could do ballet, but in hindsight it's not that surprising. There's more to her than quick flourishes on the battlefield.
Olivia's usual attire gives a different feel to the ballet though. The waving ribbons make the dance feel fluid and smooth rather than the graceful but somewhat stiff look lent by usual ballet attire.
At least that's Robin's opinion. He thinks the tutus or the leotards just look… weird. Probably his personal preference though.
Olivia is quiet through most of her performance. She whispers in time to the beat of the music under her breath with a quick "one, two, three, four!" to keep pace as she performs move after move.
There are a few slip ups that Robin notices, but the majority of the dance is well-done and smooth. Robin isn't a dance critic, so he regrets that he won't be able to give more valuable help than "these places looked off" which is something Olivia probably already knows.
Olivia finishes with a flourish and curtsy, and Robin tapers off the music. Immediately the girl grimaces and says. "That didn't go nearly as well as I hoped."
"There were a few rough spots." Robin agrees. "Not bad overall though."
"I disagree!" The dancer huffs. "I can't perform that as is!"
"Well I never said you could, I just said it wasn't bad overall." The bard chuckles. "I know all too well how something has to be perfect to show it to an audience. I'm a performer myself after all."
"Oh, right." She smiles sheepishly. "W-Well, would you mind playing the music again? I want to go again."
"That's why I'm here." Robin chuckles. He settles his fingers on the strings. "Whenever you're ready."
###
"That is not what I had in mind…" Inigo mutters as Robin finishes the song he has planned. "But I love it." He says as a wide grin crosses his face. "Mother is going to be so embarrassed."
"That's the idea!" The bard snickers. "I love making birthday songs."
"And she has no idea you're here either." Inigo says. He lets out a very unmanly giggle. "Basilio is going to find this hilarious."
"I'd hope so. If he doesn't I've done something wrong." Robin nods. "That man will laugh at anything."
"Right." The grey-haired man nods. "So just wait for my cue, okay?"
"Of course."
Robin sits back in his seat just outside the main hall. Basilo, of course, insisted on celebrating Olivia's birthday in Ferox's grand hall (despite there only being about a dozen guests) which gives Robin an easy hiding spot in one of the side-halls.
He doesn't know how long he'll be waiting, so he brought a book and a snack. Robin is relying on Inigo being loud enough for him to hear when the moment comes. In the mean time he'll be reading a book Sumia loaned to him, called "The Duchess' Favor".
Inigo calls on him sooner than later, just before the party is about to eat. The boy stands up at the table while successfully hiding a smile. "Mother, before we begin… I have a little surprise for you."
"Y-You do?" Olivia squeaks.
"Oh yes, I had a friend of ours prepare a song for this occasion." Inigo says, and a mad grin finally breaks out over his face. He speaks as loudly as he can so the bard can hear. "Isn't that right, Robin?"
Robin doesn't miss his cue, and springs from his hiding spot with a menacing smile. Olivia was there for Chrom's birthday, and knows exactly what to expect when she sees the bard. Already she's starting to blush in embarrassment from the anticipation.
Basilo watches the man intently, smiling just as enthusiastically as Inigo. He's only heard Robin perform once or twice, but he's extremely glad to be able to hear him again.
Robin takes a deep breath, strums his instrument, and starts singing.
Think of all performers that you've ever heard about,
Like clowns, jesters, bards and a shrink,
There are lots of funny costumes in this big wide world,
But have you ever seen a dancer dressed in pink?
Think!
A dancer that is positively pink!
"Oh my…" Olivia moans while covering her face. "Inigo…!"
The boy just laughs, and Basilo joins in while slapping the poor dancer on the back. The other guests also openly show their amusement at this sudden and ridiculous song.
Well here she is, the Pink Dancer,
The Pink Dancer,
Everybody loves a dancer that's pink,
#
She really is a cute little cat,
She's a singer, she's a dancer, she's an acrobat!
#
She's in the pink, the Pink Dancer,
The rinky-dink dancer,
And it's as plain as your nose,
#
That she's the one and only, truly original,
Dancer pink from head to toe,
#
Yeah, she's the one and only, truly original,
Dancer, Pink Dancer, from head to toe!
Robin's song transitions into a quick musical section, and Olivia silently prays that the song is ending, but there's two more verses to go and the dancer mumbles in incoherent embarrassment. Her face is scarlet red, and Robin considers the song a success already.
Well now you've met the Pink Dancer,
The Pink Dancer,
Isn't she a dancer ever so pink?
#
You've seen that she's a cute little cat,
And what a singer, what a dancer, what an acrobat!
#
She's in the pink, the Pink Dancer!
A rinky-dink dancer,
And it's as plain as your nose,
#
That she's the one and only truly original,
Dancer pink from head to toes,
#
Yeah she's the one and only truly original,
Dancer Pink Dancer from head to toe!
Robin bows to generous applause from his small audience. Basilo in particular is loud in his laughter and clapping. Olivia absolutely refuses to look up when Robin leans against the back of her chair and ask her: "so, how'd you like it? Did I capture your essence like I did with Chrom?"
"Noo…" Olivia says in a tone that's half laugh half whine. Robin cheekily tries to pull one of her hands off her face, and catches the sight of tears coming down her face from poorly held-back laughter. "I haaaate you."
"Sure you do." Robin snickers. "You're going to have to look up to eat Olivia."
"Mph…"
"That was perfect!" Inigo laughs as he drapes his arms around his mother's shoulders in a hug. "I love you mother."
"Love you too." She grumbles. "Ooh, why'd you have to hire Robin?!"
"Because it's hilarious!" The man says with a grin. "Who better than him?!"
"I am the best." Robin chuckles. "You're welcome Olivia. Inigo, thank you for asking me to do this. Birthday songs are the best."
"Maybe you can make another next year?" Inigo asks, only half joking.
"Noo…" Olivia laughs weakly as she finally pulls her face off the table.
"Maybe I will." The bard says with an ominous smile. "Maybe I need to make something for your birthday."
"Singing praise of my charm?" Inigo asks cheekily.
"Sure, we'll go with that." Robin grins.
"Well, seeing as you're here now, you may as well join us for the meal. Right Olivia?" Basilo chuckles.
"Of course!"
The bard takes a seat next to Inigo, is quickly fetched a set of dinnerware by one of the servants, and raises a glass to the other guests. "To Olivia!"
The others quickly follow suit. "To Olivia!"
I think that works as a chapter. It saves me the trouble of trying to parody more songs anyways. As I said at the start, I am not a songwriter.
The songs in question I parodied for these chapters were "I CAN SWING MY SWORD!" by Tobuscus, "Darkwing Duck Theme" from the show "Darkwing Duck", and "From Head to Toe" from the show "Pink Panther".
Yes, I know some of these songs are kinda old, but they fit well. Also, I actually had the idea for the Pink Panther parody (even if I didn't change many of the lyrics) before I started making The Robin Variable. Never thought I'd use those crappy lyrics I made, but hey, they fit this chapter so… sure. Here you go.
Someguyparagon: No. Well, at least not in The Robin Variable. I could bump that to Varied Awakenings if you want.
Guest: Okay, so I haven't played Drakengard 3. You'll need to give me specific power/quirk examples. Horror Movie Robin is interesting… I like it. No idea what you mean by ying yang, can you clarify? Civilian in the fray I'm filing under unlikely.
Truly Bob: Causing natural disasters is a massively OP power, so I'm not so sure about that one. Making noise in someone's head is… weird and difficult but admittedly interesting, and hidden OP Robin has similar issues to natural disaster Robin. All of these ideas are interesting but unlikely.
CorEagle: I didn't take inspiration from those, I actually took vague inspiration from Awakening's epilogues. Henry's in particular inspired the idea that these were written by historians and not the narrator so to speak.