Chapter 1. Mission Impossible
Harry Potter, the boy who lived, had just started his sixth year at Hogwarts. He was very happy. Things had gone really well for him the past few months.
First of all, that bitch Umbridge was no longer at Hogwarts. Now the professor against the dark arts was once again Remus Lupin, Harry's favorite professor. Furthermore, after the events in the Ministry of Magic, Fudge had to finally accept that Voldemort had returned. Although the minister was stupid and in complete denial, he had seen Voldemort with his own eyes, and he couldn't deny that. And the best thing of all, was that the minister had not only seen Voldemort, but also Sirius Black kicking some Death-eaters' asses, and so he understood he was innocent all along. So, Harry's godfather was finally free, and Harry could spend with him as much time as he wanted.
Of course, not everything was great. Voldemort was still trying to conquer the Wizarding World and Umbridge was threatening everyone with pressing charges for abandoning her in the forbidden forest with forty horny adult male centaurs. But those things could not overshadow Harry's happiness. His godfather was free, and his favorite professor had returned to Hogwarts, and that was all that mattered.
But this is not a story about Harry Potter. This story is about how two enemies finally became friends. Well, not exactly friends. Maybe we should say how they stopped hating each other. Well, ok, ok, how they ALMOST stopped hating each other. Or at least stopped wanting to harm each other. Well, maybe stopped wanting to seriously harm each other… Ok, fuck it, I give up.
This is the story of Severus Snape and Sirius Black and their bizarre adventure. So, with no further delays, let's get to it.
There was nothing about the starry sky that night to suggest that strange and mysterious things would soon be happening. As unsuspecting muggles slept, Snape was in potions class, tearing new ones to the first-year students. Normally he wouldn't have any lessons at this hour and the children should be asleep, but Snape was angry. During the afternoon Dumbledore had announced to Snape that he would have to cooperate with his worst enemy, Sirius Black, in order to fulfill a mission for the Order of the Phoenix. Snape could not say no to Dumbledore and so was letting his anger out on the first years.
"Sir when is this going to be over already?!" a sleepy little boy asked.
"Silence! 20 points from Gryffindor!" screamed Snape.
"But sir, I'm in Hufflepuff."
"I don't care!"
"With all due respect," continued the insolent little Hufflepuff, "but in the schedule it said that classes are over at six in the afternoon, and now it's two in the morning!"
"Class is over only when I say it's over! And 20 more points are taken from Gryffindor for your insolence!"
"Well, I don't care. As I said I'm in Hufflepuff." Murmured the child.
"This isn't fair!" Shouted a girl from Gryffindor.
"Silence or I'll take away more points!"
"Are you serious?" shouted the girl.
Snape's knees went weak. His eyes narrowed. When he spoke, his voice sounded whispery, like the hissing of a snake.
"How the fuck did you call me?"
"Heeeee, he said the f word!" A whisper was heard in the entire classroom.
The girl was stumped. Was what she told him that bad?
Snape approached her threateningly. "You think I have any relation with that… that… disgusting, rotten, worthless, piece of shit, kin-fucking, wankstain, asshole, greasy-cunt, dickhead, bastard…"
In that moment the door was slammed open. The class turned and saw a man in a leather jacket standing there. All the children were still in shock after hearing their professor using such words.
"Black…" Snape said disgusted and looked at him with hatred in his eyes.
"What the hell Snivelus?" Said the man.
"How dare you use such foul language in my class?" Snape scolded him. Some children did face-palms.
"Are you nuts? You're teaching at this hour?"
"This is my class and I'm in charge here, Black!"
"Class dismissed, go to sleep poor children."
"How dare you?!"
The children got up and started to leave the classroom, with a sigh of relief.
"No one dare move!" Screamed Snape.
"Go to sleep kids, don't pay him any mind, he's probably on his period again." Black said calmly.
Snape continued screaming but the children choose to listen to Black and not him.
"Thank you, sir, you saved us." Whispered the Gryffindor girl as she was leaving, while the Hufflepuff boy gave Sirius a thumbs up.
"I hate you." Snape told Sirius when the room was finally empty.
"Me too Snivelus, me too. But now we have work to do."
They walked to Dumbledore's office, without exchanging even a single word. Snape was shooting Sirius side-eyed glances full of hatred every half a minute. Sirius was walking all comfortable, ignoring Snape. The fact that he was found innocent made him so happy that he didn't care that his first mission had him partnered up with Snape.
"Well, my children," Said Dumbledore, smiling at them, "I'm glad to see you two cooperating and forgetting your old rivalry."
Sirius and Snape exchanged a questioning glance. They were both thinking the same thing: "Is he high?"
Sirius discreetly sniffed the air of Dumbledore's office. His sense of smell was heightened since he could transform into a dog. His suspicions were confirmed, and he nodded at Snape: "Yes".
Snape replied with a devastated look.
"My children," said Dumbledore, "I love you. Well- what I meant was, your mission is very important, and I hope that you will be two good friends in the end. Oh, I love you so much, you are my favorite students!"
"Sir, I am a professor now." Said Snape.
"But of course, you are."
Meanwhile Sirius took out the two-sided mirror and said "Remus, we need a dozen chocolates here, it's urgent. Yeah, Dumbledore is high again."
"What?!" Dumbledore said surprised, and stood up.
Sirius grabbed him reassuringly by the shoulders. "It's okay, it's okay, calm down, be cool professor, be cool. Chocolate is on the way." And he made him sit down carefully on his office chair.
"Ah chocolate, yes." Said Dumbledore. "I had some cravings."
"So, what was it?" Said Sirius. "Was it good stuff? The stuff Ms. Sprout cultivates in the last greenhouse?"
"Oh yeah- wait a minute how do you know about the last greenhouse?!"
"I've known it since I was fifteen, professor, since I became an animagus. Dog, you know?"
"Ohhhh…" Dumbledore laughed.
"Yeah, you know how many times we got high, me and James? We once made special brownies and gave them to Snape. He got so high that he tried to seduce McGonagall!"
"Oh my God, I remember that time!" Said Dumbledore, full of excitement. "He sent her a dick pic via an owl. I almost expelled him!"
Dumbledore and Sirius were laughing their asses off. Snape on the other hand was almost puffing smoke from his ears.
"That really wasn't expected behavior from Snape", said Dumbledore, "but I never thought that you got him high!"
"Yeah, we had some good times." Sirius said as he was rolling a joint, as he had already found Dumbledore's stash.
"So, it was your fault." Snape said through his teeth as his entire face had gone red. "That was one of my worst experiences!"
"Chill out Snivelus, it's all in the past now. Want a puff?"
"You're going to get high right before the mission now?!" Snape yelled.
In that moment the door opened, and Lupin came in, holding a bag full of chocolates.
"What's going on here?" Asked Lupin.
"Ah, just the same old situation." Said Sirius.
"For Merlin's sake Sirius, not before the mission!" Said Lupin, as he saw the joint in his hand.
"Oh fine. Buzz killer." Said Sirius and dropped the joint on Dumbledore's desk.
"I will take care of Dumbledore." Said Lupin. "You'd better get going, you should have already gone by now."
"Okay, see you later Remus." Said Sirius, and without anyone noticing, snuck Dumbledore's entire stash under his jacket.
Snape didn't say anything. Without anyone noticing, he snuck the joint up his sleeve and followed Sirius out of the office.
As soon as the door shut behind them, they realized that they had no idea what the mission was. But they were both too selfish to admit it.
Neither one of them moved. They exchanged a nervous glance.
"So… about the mission…" said Snape. "I hate the fact that Dumbledore made us be together, but evidently he had his reasons…" He studied Black, trying to understand from his reaction if he had any idea what they were supposed to do.
"Or he was just completely high." Responded Sirius indifferently.
Snape realized that Sirius knew nothing more than he did. He also saw a perfect opportunity to show off.
"The nature of the mission is such that it requires our combined skills." He said smugly and then continued, faking surprise. "Wait a minute… Dumbledore didn't tell you?"
"What the shit are you talking about? You were there, the guy was wasted."
Snape smiled evilly.
"I mean earlier, Black. Evidently Dumbledore had his reasons to trust me with the mission and not tell you anything."
"Go fuck yourself Snivelus! Dumbledore told me about the mission too!" yelled Sirius.
"Oh, sure he did… I mean why wouldn't he reveal all the details of the most secret and dangerous mission that has been attempted up to this point to someone as reckless and irresponsible as you?"
"That's it you're dead!" And Sirius charged at Snape. He didn't even make the effort to take out his wand, he immediately started to punch him in the face.
Snape didn't expect that, and so he stumbled and fell down. He managed to take out his wand, but Sirius grabbed it and threw it away.
"Fuck you Black!" Said Snape as he kneed Sirius. "It's not my fault Dumbledore doesn't trust you!"
Sirius transformed into a dog and bit Snape.
"AH FUCK! Not fair, not fair!" Screamed Snape as he tried to avoid the dog's jaws.
But Sirius was a gigantic dog. He charged and, using his front paws, immobilized Snape on the floor. He growled threateningly in his face.
At that moment the door to Dumbledore's office opened and Lupin came out.
"What the fuck guys?! You haven't even started the mission yet and you're already fighting! Sirius get over here!"
Sirius got up, reverted back to human form and approached Lupin.
Snape got up as well, examining the tears in his cloak.
"Maybe you should put a lease on your friend, Lupin!" said Snape.
"I'm gonna kill him!" yelled Sirius.
Sirius charged again and knocked Snape down with one punch.
"Sirius, stop!" Lupin tried to pull Sirius away from Snape, whose nose was now dripping with blood.
"He said that Dumbledore doesn't trust me, Remus!" Said Sirius in a low enough voice so that only Lupin could hear him.
"Nonsense." Responded Lupin. "If he didn't trust you, he wouldn't assign you with such an important mission."
"Well, I have no idea what the mission is." Confessed Sirius in an even quieter voice, after first making sure that Snape was far enough, repairing his broken nose with a spell.
The expression on Lupin's face suddenly changed. "What?! So, Dumbledore didn't tell you?"
"I'm sure he was about to tell me, but he was too stoned to do so! And now Snivelus is rubbing it in my face, that he knows the mission, and he'll act all in charge, and he's always peacocking that Dumbledore trusted him and not me…"
"Sirius, Sirius calm down!" Said Lupin. "Well listen, Dumbledore earlier told me some things about your mission. I know you have to go to Diagon Alley and meet someone. He will give you a key."
"A key for what?"
"I have no idea."
"What will it be Black?" Said Snape, who had by now fixed his nose and all of his other injuries. "Will you come with me to do this mission or are you chickening out?"
"Don't!" Lupin caught Sirius before he could attack Snape for the third time.
"Fine." Said Sirius. "But I'm warning you Snivelus."
"Oh boo-hoo Black."
They both left, exchanging looks of hatred with each other.
When they reached the castle's exit, Snape hesitated. Sirius noticed that he was nervous.
"So… are we going there with my motorbike, or do you have a better way in mind?" Said Sirius somewhat aggressively.
"Well…" answered Snape, "since you insist that you know what the mission is, please lead the way. If you know where we're going." Snape tried to sound ironic, but Sirius noticed the uncertainty in his voice.
Without answering, Sirius moved towards his bike and climbed on.
"Climb on, Snivelus." He said with a smile.
Snape, paradoxically, complied without any sassy comments this time. And that could only mean one thing. He didn't have the slightest idea about where they were supposed to go. Or about the mission in general. This made Sirius happy, rather than stress him out. Now it was his time to start peacocking. As his bike took off, he said "You know where we're going. Right?"
"Of course, I know, Black. Now shut up and drive." The shakiness in his voice betrayed the fact that he didn't like flights.
"Straight to Nocturne Alley." Said Sirius.
"Yes." Said Snape.
"Ha, I got you!" Sirius laughed out loud. "You have no idea, right? We're going to Diagon Alley."
"I knew that!" Shouted Snape. "I just wanted to test you!"
"Yeah, sure you did."
"Shut up! I said I knew that! -AH FUCK!" Screamed Snape as Sirius began flooring the proverbial gas pedal and doing wheelies and flips with his bike. "ARE YOU CRAZY?! STOP IT, YOU WANT TO KILL US BOTH!?"
"Scared Snivelus?" Sirius continued fucking around with his bike, enjoying the fact that Snape had turned green from fear.
Snape was feeling dizzy. His stomach was turning dangerously. He couldn't take it anymore. As they were flying over Hogsmead, a glob of aromatic vomit fell on a gang of drunks that were just exiting a pub. Sirius made a sudden turn in order to hide behind some clouds and avoid the confused looks of the drunks below. He continued driving fast but without fucking around this time.
After a while, Snape was starting to feel better. They were already flying over Diagon Alley and the sun was about to rise when he finally found his bad old self.
"Are you a total wanker Black? What the fuck was that? Are you trying to kill us? And those guys at Hogsmead almost saw us! What the fuck were you thinking? Don't answer that, I already know. You weren't thinking! You're more immature than a fifteen yeaAAAHHHHH!" His screaming cut off his final words as Sirius started doing flips with his bike once more. "STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!"
But Sirius didn't stop until, yet another round of aromatic vomit was scattered around. He then parked his bike, got off and helped Snape, whose face was even greener than before, get off as well.
"I hate you…" Snape uttered.
Before Sirius could say anything, they saw a puked-on man coming towards them. He looked angry, flexing his fist.
"Oh shit- I think that guy is coming over to start a fight." Said Sirius.
Snape turned to the guy. "If you're looking for the one responsible, it's all his fault." And he pointed at Sirius.
"Hey, I didn't puke on you! I mean look at us, which one looks more like he just threw up?"
"I wouldn't have puked if you didn't fuck around!"
"Shut up! Both of you! I don't care who puked! I'm here for-" But he didn't get to finish his sentence. Snape had already pulled out his wand and was threatening him.
"Watch your tongue with me!"
The man took a step back, scared. "I'm sorry." He said and turned to Sirius, extending his clenched hand towards him. "I want-"
"Hey don't touch me! You're covered in vomit!" Said Sirius, disgusted, while taking a step back. "Go wash yourself."
"I am-" The man started saying but Snape cut him off again.
"We don't care who you are. Come on Black, we have work to do." And he pulled Sirius away.
"But…"
Snape once again aimed at him with his wand.
"Listen. I've had a very bad day. One more word and…"
"Fine then! It's my fault for bothering with this! You can both piss off for all I care!" Shouted the guy, clearly at his wits end. He then made a motion as if he was about to throw something that he was holding in his fist for so long at them.
"Vomit missile!" Screamed Sirius as he ducked for cover.
"Petrificus Totalus!" Screamed Snape and the guy froze, his fist still closed.
"Phew, that was close!" Said Sirius. "Some people truly have a difficult time controlling their anger."
"Come on Black, let's not waste any more time."
The two of them moved away. It didn't even cross Sirius' mind that that was the guy they were looking for and that in his clenched hand was the key they wanted. As for Snape, he didn't even know why they were in Diagon Alley.