Chapter 495

Lucien stood behind Elain, his hands on her shoulders as she stared at herself in her vanity mirror. She hadn't said anything, but he could feel her uncertainty and doubt. He stroked her shoulders gently, admiring the way that the morning sunlight filtered in through the window and cascaded across her golden brown hair, and he knew that the emotions swirling through her had begun the night before. She hadn't said anything about it, not even when they had returned to their room and gone to bed, but he had been able to feel it nonetheless. He didn't know what had brought it on, but he recognised the feeling as he had so often battled it himself.

"Petal…" he began, and her pretty dark eyes lifted to meet his gaze in the mirror. "What is it?"

"Oh…" She picked up her hairbrush, but made no move to actually brush her hair. He saw the debate within her, knew that she had considered dismissing it, and telling him that nothing was the matter, but then she sighed. "Sometimes I forget," she murmured, "I forget that I am so young compared to everyone else… in a way that is honestly insane when you think about it. Everyone is so clever and knows so much and I am a literal child in comparison." The words seemed to just bubble up and spill from her, and it took a moment for Elain to catch herself. She gave Lucien a wry smile and he just shook his head.

"Petal," he said, turning her around in her chair to face him, and he went down on one knee before her, so that he could better hold her eyes. "You are in no way inferior to anybody." She looked as if she were about to disagree, so he went on. "The things you have been through…"

"Nuan literally makes things which can replace missing body parts." She replied, her voice a little high. "You can see from both eyes because of her…"

"You life is not a competition with Nuan." He told her gently, "And she has not had to endure the things you have. Who knows how she would have handled being forced into the Cauldron and being forced to become something other than what you had been… and then had to learn how to manage new abilities as well as a new body…?"

Elain shook her head, "Probably better than I did…"

"No."

"You don't know that…"

"And nor do you, Petal." Lucien took her hands carefully, making sure he had her full attention, and that she was hearing what he was saying. "You and Nesta alone know how hard that was." He said gently, "I know everyone always gives Nesta credit for being the strong one, the one with an iron will…" he held Elain's eyes, wanting her to really listen, "But it almost swallowed you. I was there when you were lost, I felt that distance… and you clawed your way back, Elain. I don't believe just anyone could have done that."

"It was hard…" She said softly. "I had wanted to just let go… allow myself to become lost in it."

"And you did not."

"No." She gave him another wry smile, and Lucien relaxed a little. "This handsome fae male kept coming and sitting with me, trying to give me tea and he began pulling on this… thread in my chest…"

"Oh, it wasn't me, Petal." He said, thumbs massaging the back of her hands. "It was all you."

Elain squeezed his hands back and Lucien watched her think for a moment. "It's not the same…" She said after a moment, "It doesn't compare with hundreds of years of experience and knowledge…"

"It doesn't have to." He replied, "One day, you will have those things." He went on, "But they will not have what you currently have. They will not be you." Lucien lifted one of her hands to his lips, kissing it gently. "Gentle hearted mate." He murmured, "You are exactly what this Court needs as it heals… and you are more than I ever dreamed of."

Elain slid off the chair and into his arms, and Lucien held her close. "I know that." She breathed, pressing a kiss to hic cheek, "Sometimes I just feel silly in comparison to everyone else…"

Lucien's heart ached at that and he shook his head, rubbing her back softly. "You have done far more than any of them had done by your age." She made a small sound and he continued to rub her back. "But that's not even what it is about, Petal. It's not a competition, and you are valued by everyone around you."

Elain nodded, and Lucien just held her. He would have stayed there like that all day, but they hadn't yet had breakfast and he knew that Feyre and Rhys would be leaving right after the meal. Elain would want to bid her sister farewell, and Lucien didn't want to keep her too long. "I am hungry…" She murmured, lips against his throat, and Lucien lifted them both to their feet, still holding her close.

"You must be pleased Nesta is staying." He said, hoping to lighten her mood a little, and she smiled at him, moving back into her chair and taking up her hairbrush once more.

"Yes, I thought I could get her working in the Memory Garden a little to take her mind off of other things. It works for me."

"Not sure I can see Nesta digging in a garden." The thought was almost comical.

"I won't have her digging." Elain grinned, "Although that would be effective in working out some of her emotions." He watched Elain pull her brush through her hair, and he loved the way the sun shone off of that wonderful hair. He wanted to run his hands through it, but that would lead to distraction and end up losing them a lot of time. To take his mind off of that desire, he amused himself by imagining Nesta digging up a garden bed, and he wondered if, one day, that would be a spectacle he would be lucky enough to witness.