NSO Chapter 49
I don't own Pokemon.
Disclaimer: I am not a certified psychologist or therapist. My portrayal of their actions in such situations is not reliable nor should it be treated as fact, although I'm sure that you know this already. If anyone does have experience in this field, I appreciate constructive criticism if you wish to correct me.
"Woah."
The white door slid open to reveal a completely redecorated room. The walls were azure and gentle on the eyes. There was a small sofa instead of a bed. It had dark grey cushions and a pale-brown wood frame, similar to all the furniture in this room: a new coffee table lined up against a wall, and Doctor Haworth's new chair. A potted plant stood in the corner where the bookshelf used to be. The tub of water still remained, relocated next to the sofa.
"Come, Cleo." The Hypno gestured to the sofa in front of where he sat. "Take a seat. I took the liberty of making the place feel less intense."
"Yeah." The vibrance of colours had been toned down a notch. There was a scent of lavender that worked well to lower her apprehension. Everything had a cosier and more grounded feel compared to the vibe the Institution radiated. "It looks a lot better."
Cleo sat on the very comfy couch. Her backpack was tossed on the cushion next to her.
"I just needed a session to understand what makes you comfortable. Now," Haworth watched the Vaporeon shift in her seat. "You're here earlier than scheduled. Would you like to talk about what happened?"
…
A ping from her phone roused Cleo from her slumber.
Kelli: You up for morning training? 5:45 am
Cleo groaned, rolling over. Most of her blanket had been draped over the side of her bed, and the sudden weight shift finally flopped it onto the floor. With its protection lost, her back was at the mercy of the frigid morning wind.
Cleo: Fine 5:47 am
Isn't the whole point of sleep to be well-rested? Cleo stared at the mirror as she brushed her teeth.
Good morning, Cleo. You have slept for: 3 hours and 21 minutes.
"Arceus." That explained those eye bags and droopy frills. She looked like crap, but if this was the price to pay for yesterday night, they were worth it.
I recommend additional rest.
Me too. But school started in two hours, and Kelli would probably break her door down if she wasn't outside in fifteen minutes.
"I brought breakfast for you and your brother." Kelli placed two paper bags on the Torrent's dinner table. "You should eat."
Cleo pulled out a sandwich. Plain bread and peanut butter. The simplest of meals. She nibbled at it, her bites slow and small.
"Take your time. I'll be outside when you're ready."
The weak rays of dawn cast everything in shadow, aided none by dark clouds rolling in over the sky. Kelli sat on her lawn, looking at her house across the street. She patted the grass next to her.
"I think I may have to apologise for yesterday's session. It was ironically shortsighted of me to not check in on you before thrusting you into such a lesson. My judgement has been quite clouded lately. What about you?"
…
Cleo said nothing for a while, struggling to find the right words.
"Everything feels so different with him gone. I'm being a dick to my sister. My books… I've had them for years and I threw them out yesterday."
Doctor Haworth glanced at his clipboard. "Do these books have any significance to you?"
"Not anymore. They're just dumb romance books."
"I see."
…
"There are troubling times ahead. Harsher than the times now, although that may seem unbelievable." Kelli turned to face the Vaporeon. "Which is why I have to prepare you the best I can."
"When things are crumbling around you, you have to remain steady, or else you get lost in pain and emotion. Now try to do as I do." Kelli closed her eyes and Cleo followed.
"Focus on yourself. Steady your breathing. If it helps, picture a pool of water. The water's surface is still.
A single droplet strikes the middle of the pool. There is no splash, only a ripple. It spreads out across the surface but vanishes before it reaches the edge.
Hardships are unavoidable. You have to be strong enough to experience them and still be standing after.
That is all. Good luck."
She opened her eyes. Kelli was gone.
What time is it?
6:57 am.
There went her chances for a quick rest. It was time to wake Cliff up.
…
"It's nice I still have school, I guess."
"For their routine?"
"Kinda. But everything I do now feels so mundane. Like I'm just doing it just for the sake of it. Sometimes I don't even know what to do so I don't do anything."
"So you have difficulties in making decisions or direction. Did these surface before your loss?"
"I… maybe? I don't think so."
…
The last day of Kingdra High's staycation had been cancelled. With all Post-Exam activities left behind at the cordoned-off resort, Principal Suicune decided to let the students run freely throughout the school as compensation, with the warning to NOT destroy any property reiterated by Vice-Principal Raikou.
There was still a discarded towel on the floor. The air smelled faintly of wet fur. It looked like no one else had stumbled upon this secret room next to the Janitor's Closet since her visit.
Zenith had wanted to return to this room to find something. And that decision had led to all of… this. She had recoiled at the idea initially. What if she had fought harder? Convinced him to stay at home just for that day? No. NoNoNoNoNo. Cleo threw the towel at the wall. Seeking refuge in this room was a mistake. Maybe she could still slip out—
"Hey, this wall's hollow!"
Shit. She'd forgotten to lock the room, and any attempt to do so now would be heard on the other end.
Hide. Cleo already received a frosty reception from Kingdra High when she walked up its steps. Students gave her a wide berth, and although the staff tried to hide it, their apprehensive interactions said all. Who knows what new rumours would spawn if they saw her alone in here?
Cupboard. The piece of furniture with mirror-layered doors was the only thing big enough that would reasonably fit her. It housed no shelves, giving Cleo enough crawl space to squeeze herself inside just as the door slid open.
What? Cleo's knees were pressed against her chest, but the cramped position was the least of her worries. She could see right through the cupboard doors, at the curious Pokemon that peered into their newly discovered location. The silhouette of a Sableye, a Zangoose and a Jolteon were easily identified, their faces obscured in shadow. While she watched them explore with bated breath, she could not ignore something digging into the small of her back.
Cleo reached behind. Her paws closed around a rectangular object stuck on the cupboard's back. The object popped off after a few firm tugs and she found herself reflected in a tiny lens. It was a camera that sat in the palm of her hand. A red light on its back blinked. How long had this been here? What had it recorded?
"Man, there's nothing here," sighed the Sableye. Cleo tucked the camera under her frill, attention redirected at the trio. "Maybe we'll use this next year?"
Great. Now everyone in this school would know about the room. Still holding in a bated breath she dared not release, Cleo willed them to leave. It took a few more minutes, but the Sableye eventually dawdled back out into the corridor. While the Zangoose followed close behind, the Jolteon's head did one more swivel around the room before catching up to the two. She watched them converse for several more agonising minutes, their exchange full of deep laughs and shoulder punches. Finally, the Sableye shrugged and pulled the Zangoose with him as they walked away. Where was the Jolteon?
The door to the room slid shut, plunging everything back into darkness. She couldn't see a thing and peered closer to the doors to get a better look. Was that something moving in—
"You can come out now."
"Fuck!" The sudden voice made Cleo jump, bumping her head on the wooden ceiling and rattling the entire cupboard. "Ow…"
"Shit. Sorry. Let me get that for you." Seph threw open the mirrored doors and the Vaporeon tumbled out in a heap. "What were you doing in there?"
Cleo hastily clambered to her paws. "What did it look like I was doing?" She rubbed the aching spot on her head. "How did you even know I was here?"
"Just sensed an additional bioelectric signature." His eyes glinted as he spoke, perhaps in excitement at his discovery. "So, a room hidden right beneath our noses. How'd you find out about this place?"
Cleo was already at the doorway when Seph glanced over. Her paw still rested on the open door, looking back at the lingering Jolteon. Now that light flooded the place, everything looked so…
…so…
…disappointing.
…
"Do you have a social circle? Any friends you're close to?"
"Zenith… Gayle, sometimes. Maybe Seph."
"It's good that there's someone to accompany you through these times. Have you spent time with them recently?"
"Recently? Not with Gayle, I guess. She hangs out with her… with Apollo a lot of the time. We haven't really talked in a while."
…
"Where are you going?" Seph caught up to her as she strode away from the room.
"I dunno. Out." Cleo kept her head down in the crowded hallways. Her eyes studied the floor intently. Cracks. Dried gum. The shoes and socks of other students. It was easier to face those than to imagine the looks she was receiving, the gazes she could feel burning into her skin from all directions. Would going outside even help? More students were possibly in the schoolyard than here.
The narrow corridors squeezed Pokemon closer together. Or the sea of Pokemon outside that would watch her walk down the school steps.
The countless classrooms bursting with gossiping Pokemon and the discovery of a secret room spreading through the school like wildfire. Or the open space of the yard with no cover whatsoever.
She considered screaming.
"Cleo! You came to school!" Gayle zipped over to Cleo. "I mean, of course you would. I've been searching for you everywhere!" Apollo was right behind, pushing his way through students to reach them.
"You found her. Hey, Cleo. Who's that?"
"Apollo. This is Seph."
"Hello—Apollo, was it?"
"Yeah. I don't think I've seen you around before."
"I've heard that a lot."
"Okayyy. Apollo. Seph. He's your friend, right?"
Cleo gave a slight nod at Gayle's inquisitive look, and she saw the Jolteon glow in the corner of her eye.
"Then he's our friend too. Come, Mrs Sal wants to see us." The crowd gave a wide berth around Gayle's flapping wings as she perched on Cleo's back, the Charmeleon leading the way to the facility.
The more corners they turned, the closer they go, the number of students lining the walls just seemed to multiply exponentially.
"So," Gayle whispered. "You've you been? After… everything that happened, you know?"
"Not that great." Cleo kept walking. She focused on the flame on Apollo's tail, the way the fire burned and flickered in unpredictable movements. "It's tough to move on, I guess."
The ends of the flame grew and stretched, little tendrils of red-yellow mixes that wrapped themselves around her vision. The base of the flame burned a brilliant blue. Blue because the fire had plenty of oxygen to keep on burning.
Oxygen that drifted past her face in bubbles, slowly escaping Zenith's slackened jaws as he drifted downwards into the deep.
"Right? It's just this… aimlessness. Being adrift in life."
She knew. She could still feel the tugs of cold ocean currents that threatened to sweep her away. Yet she still resisted, fixated on that spot of inky darkness that he had descended into. Hoping that he would spring back out, with a laugh and a smile that would ease her worries.
The currents pulled at her. She had fought so hard before. Why was she still trying to fight now when she had lost?
She didn't deserve this.
Zenith didn't deserve this.
She shouldn't even have met him. She'd messed everything up from the moment they met.
Messed up his secret.
Messed up on that day she lost him.
Messed up that pathetic excuse of a rescue mission.
Your heart and respiration rates are rising rapidly.
No. Zenith didn't deserve you. You got dragged into his messes. His trials and experiments benefited him only. He got you invested in him. Made you think–
"WHY CAN'T I GET ANYTHING RIGHT?!"
A frantic scream of both mental and physical proportions. Hands gripped her sides, trying with no avail to right her toppling body.
Cleo collapsed onto the floor under buckling knees. Apollo and Gayle kneeled next to her. Their mouths were moving but she registered nothing except the shaking of her paws. The hazy vision of the crowd closing in around her. The rising and falling and rising and falling and rising of her chest.
Cleo. Focus on this voice. You have to steady your breathing.
In…
In. Out. In. Out. In.
Out…
Out. In. Out. In. Out.
She gulped in the air with every breath, yet nothing was going into her lungs. The crowd throbbed around her. They had her airways in an iron grip, squeezing tighter as the sea of Pokemon edged closer and closer in an undulating mass.
In…
In. Out. In. Out. IN. OUT. IN. OUT. INOUTINOUTINOUT
"Give her space!" Mrs Sal was there too. The Salamence's large paws picked Cleo up gently from the floor and sat her down against a nearby wall. Large crescent wings fanned out towards the hallway, blocking the crowd's line of sight of her.
"Cleo. You have to try and calm down first. Can you try and slow your breathing?"
"Just breathe In…" The voices of CADMO and Mrs Sal spoke in unison.
"… And breathe Out."
The pressure from the crowd ebbed. The little pocket of space that has been created was enough for Cleo to draw what little breath back into her lungs, focusing on those two synchronised voices echoing in her head.
In. Out.
In. Out.
There were glimpses of others streaming past Mrs Sal, trying to take their own inconspicuous glance at the scene. Gayle and Apollo were still kneeling by her side, their presence a surprising comfort for her. Tufts of spiky yellow hair peeked out from behind those large red wings. Constants while the world rushed past her, repeating the simple steps given to her.
In. Out.
In. Out.
Mrs Sal asked something. Cleo replied with a nod.
She was slowly hoisted back into her paws, the steps of her weak legs aided by friends that led her down the corridor.
To the Battle Room.
"Are you alright? You look… pale."
Cleo nodded stiffly, amidst the tears starting to well up in her eyes.
Although her paws were planted on the floor, heels digging into the cracked concrete to oppose the movements forward.
"Cleo. Tell me what's wrong."
"No. Nononono. I can't go back there. I can't. I–I–"
"It's alright. It's okay. Where do you want to go?"
"I-I-I don't know. I WANT to stop thinking about Zenith but I can't; it's like… it's just that anywhere in this school, this neighbourhood, this town, EVERYTHING reminds me of him and I just—"
Cleo broke off. Her mouth, left agape, clamped shut in the presence of four pairs of eyes. Hot tears streaked down her face but she didn't make another sound.
…
"Hang on, Cleo. We'll be there soon. Just keep going straight!" Seph's reassurances were almost drowned out by the booming rhythmic flaps of leathery wings around them. The two Eeveelutions were salted in the back of Mrs Sal. She soared them across the desert that surrounded the town, navigating through the Jolteon's directions.
The outline of the Institution came into view, a giant grey rectangle pillar outlined against an even greyer sky. A watchtower sat elevated atop each corner of the building's external walls. Their spotlights lit up the small patch of sky, trained on the Dragon-type's flight until she descended in front of the gates. Seph had accompanied her inside and into the elevator…
"And now I'm here."
"Thank you." Dr. Haworth has not written anything down during her recollection. "It sounds like you had a panic attack, followed by a meltdown. Would you like to talk about any of your thoughts during that time?"
"During my… my panic attack?"
"Whichever you want to start with."
"Before the-the thing, I was just talking with Gayle, about life… after the event. But I just started to think back about what happened on th-that day. I guess it was the same later, with another memory of him. There were fewer people around me, so I think that's why I spoke a bit more? I don't know. I didn't want to go into the Battle Room because I knew that if I did, that thing will-would happen again."
"I see. So certain things that invoke bad memories of Zenith seem to be the 'trigger' to your emotional responses."
"I guess. But that's the thing. Everything makes me remember him, and it's always that—only that scene. When I lost him. When I-I failed to s-save him. I don't want… I don't want to…"
The Hypno monitored Cleo's feelings closely. Her red mist of feelings was always there since she entered and its presence only intensified when she spoke. Haworth watched it spike at certain words, and expand in rhythm to her increasingly rapid breaths.
"Remember your circular breathing, Cleo. Take a few deep breaths to compose yourself."
"O-okay." She rested her head back on the couch and closed her eyes. He could hear her mind counting out each second. Slow inhales and exhales that did little to relieve her tension, but were meant to steel herself for blurting the topic on the tip of her tongue.
blurting a topic she was reluctant to address.
"I don't want to remember Zenith anymore.
…
This isn't acceptance, is it?"
"I can't say for sure. Everyone grieves in their own way, so not everyone experiences all five stages. However, to want to get rid of all your memories of a Pokemon is quite extreme. What led you to this conclusion?"
"Everything's been… really bad since. Pokemon in school look at me like I'm some kind of murderer. I got into fights with my mom and my sister before they left. And I… I… I'm a mess."
"You attribute these situations to your memories of Zenith. However, I'm sure you know removing those memories will not instantly change your current experiences."
"Yeah, but… if I forget about him, and everything that led to this moment… maybe it'll be easier to deal with all this that's happening to me right now."
"Maybe it could be easier. Maybe not. But before resorting to such a drastic decision, perhaps we can discuss the reasons behind it a bit more. There's a certain memory that plays into all this, right?"
"It's always that scene that pops into my mind. More than others."
"Let's discuss that scene. Are you okay with that?"
"I guess. Can I move into the tub?"
"Let's stay away from the water for now, Cleo. I hope you can see—"
"Yeah. Yeah." Her side-eye lingered on the tub for a while longer before she pulled her gaze back onto him. Her paws gripped the couch's armrests. "I know why."
"Thank you. If you wouldn't mind, can you recount that scene?"
Cleo shifted in her seat. The red mist pulsed around her.
"Sure. Okay. I met Zenith in the ocean, but it wasn't him. Wasn't the real him. He was using Psychic, and we hugged, and he… he… faded away."
"Why do you think you recall it so frequently?"
"I think… I think it's because I feel guilty that I failed to stop his death. Or to remind myself that what I did wasn't enough.
…Or that it's because it's the last time we interacted."
Haworth noted down Cleo's words. "Thanks for sharing. It's going to take me a bit of time to unpack everything here, but I think we're making good progress on such short time.
Our therapy sessions are being cut down to 1.5 hours from now onwards. You'll be spending the remaining time in 'Interaction sessions' with other available patients before the rest of your schedule."
"Oh. Okay." There was the door that slid open, marking closure to her presence here today. Cleo slung her bag back over her shoulders. Time to go.
"Wait, Cleo." She turned around. Doctor Haworth was polishing his glasses. "Before we part."
"The loss of a friend, especially one with such an intimate relationship, can be hard to deal with, memory wipe or not. While we're still trying to work through everything, you're free to make new friends, but I do not recommend entering new close relationships for the time being."
"I-uh…" Cleo did not know how to respond. Half of her instantly revolted against the 'order', though she did not understand why. The other half was still processing the words trickling into her head, and that was probably the better half to prioritise. "Okay. Thanks." The Hypno kept looking at her as she backed out of the room, into the white corridor that extended beyond the doorway.
Geez. What's with that guy? At the end of the straight corridor was another automatic sliding door. Behind it was a large room, predictably white. The space that rivalled her school hall was separated by opaque glass partitions into neat rows of cubicles.
There. H-2. Her own little glass cube. It opened at a scan of her pawprint. This was where she had whiled the time away following the schedule last week. And where she'd do so today.
And tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that. Until the end of the month, supposedly. Following the same schedule, which had conveniently been updated on a wall.
Counselling: 1400-1530
Interaction Session: 1530-1700
Break: 1700-1800
Exercise: 1800-2000
A bed with a pillow. A toilet. An "All-purpose Exercise Machine!'. No clock. Cleo plopped herself onto the stiff mattress, making sure that her bag was zipped up tight. All items that were in a room weren't only all that she could see. The camera she'd uncovered was a reminder of that, and it looked like it was staying on her until she got out of this place.
"Patient H-2. You are being transported to your scheduled Interaction Session. Do not panic." An intercom? Where the heck was that hidden? These thoughts scattered at the sudden feeling of weightlessness. She couldn't see out of the cube, but she was definitely travelling upwards.
The cube shuddered to a stop, and her door opened on its own. She was in a brightly lit cylindrical room. Cleo entered it slowly. Her cube was the only one here so far, risen from one of twelve square outlines on the floor. The outlines were positioned like the numbers on a clock, and so was a ring of twelve chairs placed closer to the room's centre.
She took the chair closest to her. The whiteness was blinding, the air-conditioning was freezing and the silence was deafening. There was nothing else to do in here, except to close her eyes and think.
Don't enter new close relationships. Like the one she had before? She understood the logic behind the request. Her emotions were probably raw, an unresolved mess as wild as the untamed sea. To get another ship sailing across it could spell disaster. It made sense, but it felt so… wrong. Like she was being denied a basic instinct to… reach out? Connect? To do something that would fill up a hole inside her. Something that would make her whole again.
Free to make new friends. Bleh. It wasn't like she was making new friends with her level of infamy anyway. Gayle already had Apollo, and Seph…
"Cleo? Are you alright now?" The Vaporeon jumped at a paw being placed on her shoulder. She reached to grab it…
Bleachers.
No. Stop. Stop remembering. Her paw froze mid-action. She squeezed her eyes shut in the face of a confused Jolteon.
Focus on the now.
Focus on him.
"Oh. " Seph gingerly removed his paw.
"No. I… damn it. It's fine. Sorry."
"No, no. I should be the one to apologise. For our first meeting. I was an idiot and when I saw you, you were… I was just… Look, you're beautiful. And I apologise for how I acted back then."
He was running his paws through his spiky fur when he spoke, messing up the already unruly furstyle even further. The previously sterile atmosphere was livelier with the introduction of a conversation. Cleo felt a smile creep onto her face.
"You realise 'Back then' is less than a week ago, right?"
"Oh. I understand. It was uncomfortable for you, and I'll gladly leave you some space to–"
"No! I mean, apology accepted. You already made up for it with that popcorn thing."
"That was a great night."
"Yeah."
…
"So…" Seph pulled up a chair next to Cleo. "Do you think anyone else is coming?"
"I don't think so. I guess it's just the two of us here."
"I wouldn't mind that."
…
"You feeling better now?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah."
"You gave us all a fright back at school. An anxiety attack must have been rough to go through."
"I… yeah. Worst last day of school."
"Hey. Hey. Don't say that. Think of it this way. You managed to find out what caused it, right?"
"I guess. My therapist says that it happens when I see things that remind me of… him."
"That's rough. Any solutions so far?"
"Um… no. He only told me to not start relationships until we figure this out."
"What?!" Seph sprang out of his seat, startling Cleo. "Even friendships?"
"Close ones, no."
"That's insane! You'd think that you need Pokemon to talk to now more than ever. More friends right now to take your mind off the past and… him."
"Yeah. It's pretty dumb, honestly." Cleo confessed. "I don't know why he told me not to do that. Actually, a part of me knew it was useless the moment he said it."
"Well, maybe you should listen to that part more."
"Maybe. But maybe it's wrong. It says I need to make friends, but what Pokemon's going to just waste their time sitting and caring about my problems, you know?"
Seph had stopped pacing in front of her, their eye contact instant once she looked back up from the floor. Those eyes were mesmerising, she realised. Their brilliant blue highlighted by the unkempt yellow fur, it reminded her of a pool she could submerge herself in for days and weeks and months and forever and ever and ever.
Seph smiled.
"...I know."
…
"You can just drop me off here." She gestured at an intersection.
The Bewear stared at the red light.
"It's closer to my brother's school. I need to pick him up."
His paw tapped on the steering wheel.
"Let me off, asshole! You already stopped! I'm going to be late!"
Cleo alighted in front of her house and took off running towards Wailmer Primary.
…
"Cliff!"
"Cleo! You're late." The Leafeon was sitting on the school steps. The building behind him had already closed its doors, and a teacher shot her a disapproving look as Cliff ran to meet her.
"Yeah, yeah. I know. Let's go home."
Janice still had enough food prepared in her planned week-long absence, packed in small plastic containers. Cleo removed one from the fridge and shoved it into the microwave. Five minutes. She watched her reflection in the microwave door, bathed in a warm orange as the device started to heat up.
What a day. She noticed every detail, catalogued every little thing she'd done, from good to bad, dawn to dusk.
It all felt so… boring.
How had only thirty seconds passed?
…
Cleo plugged the USB cable into a port on the family laptop.
Camera (F:)
file_ 1. mp4
file_ 2. mp4
file_ 3. mp4
…
file_2 was the one she was looking for. Motion sensors had triggered the recording when Zenith pulled her in here by the paw. Their first actual moment of interaction right after they just met. Right after she exposed his secret before the entire school.
So why did this moment look so… flat? Dull? The reality wasn't as 'close' as Cleo had felt at the time, nor did it line up with how she remembered it going. All she was doing on the laptop screen was gawking at the Umbreon.
Zenith clapped his paws. Cleo jumped.
Things were awkward back then. But she had given more effort in their relationship since that day, and surely it improved and strengthened over the course of the year.
Still weak enough to be ripped apart.
What did he ever give you?
Cleo touched her nape. C.A.D.M.O lay dormant there, one feature of this disc that tickled the back of her mind as it did to her neck. Memory Storage. If it meant what she thought it did, she could remove memories of Zenith.
She would be free from the baggage. The burden.
She would be able to act like my life's normal.
Even though everyone else would think otherwise.
Maybe she should—
It is 2230. This is the optimal time to go to bed—
"Yeah, I got it. Going."
Tomorrow would probably be the same too.