AN:
Sunmoonwindandstars – OMG I'm speechless at this comment! You have me grinning from ear to ear. Thank you so much for your lovely words! You don't understand what it means to me. I always wanted to study psychology so I read a lot about it – and being told that it shows in my writing is SO humbling! I really appreciate the writing comments – I always feel like a work-in-progress! Never satisfied! So maybe now I can relax a bit :D I think anxiety is just second-nature for any writer lol. And no offense taken, I put more tags for the "macabre-like plummet" HAHA. I've de-sensitized to it I think, after having to read those "dark" parts over so many times. Maybe after this I should take all the rom-com parts and do a lighter version of this story :D
Cheire – HAHA yes "Sigh" is the right word. And ahh! thank you so much for telling me that. I'm so happy enjoying it! :)))
If I Go Crazy...
Well, I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind
I left my body lying somewhere in the sands of time
But I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon
I feel there's nothing I can do
Anakin walked into Ben's diner, those same old red leather couches and white fitted tables bordering the window were empty this early in the morning. Anakin felt that same emptiness, indifference spreading in him as he approached the bar. Obi-Wan made a brusque turn toward him from behind it. The sight of Anakin, a pale face but never pale eyes. Always a promising blue, even when distant, even when crumpled up in his thoughts — thoughts that he would try to crush to powder.
This man would command attention brilliantly in any place he entered; now he wanted to crouch down in a corner, seeking peace around the bruises of his nightmares.
"You look like hell." Obi-Wan sounded impersonal, a calm, strong, substantial voice.
"I haven't been sleeping." Anakin's tone was a vague scratchiness, as he sat on a bar stool, facing him. His hand rubbed his obscure eyes.
"Trouble in paradise?" Obi-Wan couldn't miss an opportunity to snark as he poured Anakin a coffee.
Anakin looked up at him with an ache of unrest in a direct glare. "Would that make you happy?" His pitch was almost hauntingly quiet, surly, laconic.
"No, Anakin." Obi-Wan's voice seemed to try to smoothen the rigidity separating them, but his efforts were still ineffectual. They missed each other's glances with slow eyes, preoccupied with such a fathomless forlorn state. An endless game of avoiding eye contact; until Obi-Wan finally caved, finding the spot Anakin was in with laser focus, a resolve, a maturity. "I don't want to see you struggle. But you should know there are consequences to your actions."
The words jerked Anakin's spine with a growing firmness in his already stiff shoulders. His heartbeat intensified as did his features, lines formed under his cheekbones in disillusion. "You don't think I know that?" Anakin's gaze was now fixed on Obi-Wan too – a mutual, single-minded stare. His arms folded as he leaned back on his stool, as though creating a larger distance between him and Obi-Wan would give him clearer vision.
Obi-Wan knew from the tone of Anakin's voice that it was time to let it all out. "Kitster came to see me. He was worried about you."
Anakin's mouth twitched in response, hating the indiscretion of his friend.
"...Look," Obi-Wan's now careful approach had soft movements and neutral words. No agenda. Just the ease of habit — two brothers chatting away in a relaxed environment. He hoped this soulful turn would entice Anakin's inquisitiveness – at least enough to hear him out. His forearms braced the counter, "I know you love her. But you got married without really knowing each other. Sometimes. . .love isn't enough to sustain a marriage."
But Anakin couldn't make his irritation invisible even in his silence. Why does everyone talk like life is a one-size-fits-all?
Anakin's eyes narrowed, the jaw tightened with impudence. He gave a sharp, broad breath, with irony.
"We're happy. And it would be great if everyone would just. . .let us be happy." Anakin's voice dragged out, letting the last of his words fall off with hardly any effort or strength to give them. He placed a tired hand onto the back of the stool and pulled himself up. He left the coffee, the cafe, and the man behind as he walked off.
Padme had come home early from work. She was on the couch, in front of the TV, not really paying attention to what was on. She just liked the background noise to drown out a long day, like the need to fall into a stupor until you can recharge. Of course, that was until Anakin had come home – the perfect battery energizer. As soon as the door closed behind him, their gaze was locked on each other with tender smiles lighting the path between them. He headed towards her with a slow gait, looking at her admiringly.
"I'm glad to see you." He was tired, lazily slumping onto the couch beside her. His head rested back as his eyes skimmed her affectionately. She shuffled her body closer to him, her head laying back as well – just enjoying the lull in the long day. Every day seemed to be a long day. Until they were together, blocking the outside world out so they could recover.
"You okay?" She asked, closing her eyes, taking in the scent of her lover. Is there any better smell than that of the person you love? They revolutionize the inspirations, the traditions, the adventures, the richness of your life.
She felt the tip of his nose at the end of hers before he kissed her lightly.
"I am now." His eyes had closed too, heightening the other senses. The senses that let them know there is no threat in this comforting couch experience, this weaving of two souls that were made to be one. No need to keep one eye open. They're in a loving bubble. But it is in these peaceful moments that she knew he was calm enough to listen to her.
"Anakin," She opened her eyes and sat up straight. "I feel you tossing and turning in bed. I know you get up in the middle of the night... Talk to me."
She could hear the tinge of frustration in his barely released breaths as he turned away. He looked down at his lap for a second until he faced lightly round back to her. "It was just stress... I'm alright." He gave his best convincing smile. But it was delicate.
Padme grabbed her notepad and a pen from the cabinet beside her and placed it on his lap with a final huff, but gentle like a self-assured decision.
"Write it here."
"What?" He said in a near husky whisper, showing little interest.
"What you can't say."
Anakin swallowed down a fear, hoping it hid behind the bobbing of his Adam's apple. "Padme–"
"–Any thought. No matter how dark or hopeless. Just write. And when you're ready, you can show it to me."
The color of her compassionate eyes looked like the horizon haze when you find morning's peace. Her hand sought his. He looked down at their linked fingers, their connection – a strength, a dream in this enclosure. A safe enclosure.
He took the notepad and placed the pen in his mouth, it clicked as he pulled it from the lid between his teeth. He began jotting something down. He ripped out the paper and handed it back to her. Her eyelids lowered to her hand:
You melt it all away
She didn't know how to react. On one hand, she felt like smiling at the thoughtfulness, at the idea that she was helping him in some way, but on the other, he hadn't said anything. And before she could question his avoidance, his skipping over the actual talk, she felt his hands cradle her face. His lips planted many grateful kisses, quick, playful, sweet – and then he stood.
"I'm gonna go shower."
He left her to ruminate in this strange immobility she felt, trying to register where the divide was coming from, where the chaos was coming from. What she had integrated from studying his eyes, his gestures, his tone didn't seem to bring any good. She supposed she could see this as a breakthrough, she had taken him away from an ill silence, a melancholy that she saw in his face whether he admitted it or not. He just kept it barred behind a stoical presence.
"Sabe!" Padme's eyes grew to large round orbs when she opened her front door. The wide grin of her best friend was on the other side of it. She pulled her in for a giant hug.
"Surprised?"
"Uh yes! Come in!" Padme took her hand and dragged her to the couch with hasty enthusiasm. "I'm so happy to see you!"
"Well, I was planning on a direct flight straight to Naboo and then I decided on a detour last minute."
"Well I'm glad!" Padme rested back on a cushion. "But you were in Naboo just a couple months ago. Can't pass up another parent lecture?" She chuckled.
"Oh I'm moving back. You're not the only one moving onto bigger and better things. You're an inspiration!" Sabe joked.
Padme's whole forehead lifted. "What? What about Palpatine?"
Sabe's friendly smile slowly thinned as she twiddled her thumbs.
"I left the job... Long story. Another time." Sabe had an array of thoughts in her head but all Padme could gather as she searched her was a stern, definitive nod. Then Sabe changed the subject. "So. . .going to come visit me?"
"I hope so — if we can budget it in. My parents have already offered to fly us out for the holidays but I might be going alone... Anakin isn't too comfortable with them paying for him."
"Hm." Sabe always knew how well Padme presented herself. The soft-spoken casual voice, the warm, negotiating eyes – she'd never tamper with the atmosphere, no one was ever uncomfortable – unless she wanted them to be.
Sabe glanced around, hearing a distant noise from the bedroom. Anakin stepped out, ever debonair in his loose, street style, his hair still slightly damp and had been merely towel dried from the shower.
Padme's face lit up as soon as she saw him. "Baby, this is Sabe. My best friend and old college roommate." She then turned to Sabe. Anakin immediately stood beside his wife, with a hand lightly cradling the back of Padme's neck. "Sabe, this is Anakin."
"Hello." Anakin held a hand out. He had an astonishing smile, with underlying caution. He could be quite standoffish about anyone from Padme's past in Coruscant or Naboo. He felt a dissonance between him and Sabe. Their worlds had collided with an obvious crash, and not much wiggle room. No matter how polite they were, something didn't meld. He wasn't going to blend in.
This woman looked more like Padme's sister than her own sister. She was an inch taller, smaller oval-shaped eyes, striking features, and a cheeky pout – giving her personality away.
"Hello Anakin." Sabe took his hand while giving Padme a subtle look of amusement – unreadable to anyone else but Padme. The inside language of strong bonds.
Anakin turned back to Padme. His head tilted to one side, his eyes following Padme's mouth, as he bent down to be closer to her face, his arms either side of her. "I'll be across the road, at the park if you need me."
"Okay." Padme murmured against his lips before they touched. A long kiss, magnificent, sensual, igniting an opalescent appeal, bringing life to this simple, neatly-structured living room. Sabe raised an eyebrow at the entire scene. The man with such an energy, virile, flamboyant, kissing her friend in a way that she had never seen her kissed before, like no one else was in the room, and Padme was so open and free to this animal instinct.
Anakin softly pinched Padme's chin before lifting his hand in a stiff wave goodbye to Sabe.
Sabe quickly turned back to Padme once Anakin had gone, letting her palms slap her thighs haphazardly "Well that explains everything."
Padme's lips rolled inward, shy. Her fingers over her mouth, trying to camouflage a grin seeping through. "What?" She almost groaned.
"Why you moved out into the desert and would prefer to live in this tiny apartment with barely any good lighting... Oh and why you married a complete stranger... because of the Greek God sucking your face."
Padme kept her mouth shut for a good minute. It was the only way to stop her face flushing red. "...And they say you only look at the negatives." She said sarcastically.
"I mean, you can't blame your sister for thinking this is a quarter-life crisis." Sabe teased.
"We got married because we're in love, you assholes." Padme playfully threw a cushion at her. Sabe laughed as she caught it mid-air.
Anakin returned from the sand park to a note on the coffee table from Padme, informing him that she was driving Sabe back to her hotel and would be back soon. There was also a drawing of hearts along the bottom of the paper.
The phone then rang. Anakin expected it to be her saying she'll be late, or one of the guys from the races telling him he forgot to do something. But the voice was unfamiliar. Deep. Proper.
"Hello, is Padme there?"
"Who's this?" Anakin couldn't hold this cold edginess back, growing unfriendly and suspicious. But the man remained polite, professional with his refined speaking voice.
"Rush Clovis. Is she there?"
"No." Anakin was curt, delivering his word with almost slicing bluntness as he hung up. He had no room for it. No new inconveniences and certainly no strange men.
Padme entered their home with a pep in her step. Her steps gradually slowed though once she found Anakin on the couch. The look on his face blew away the rush of effervescent giddiness she felt after a sentimental evening with her best friend.
"Who's Rush Clovis?" Anakin seemed calm, as did his tone. But his calmness mirrored a woundedness. A concoction that filled the psyche with troubled patterns and a hard exterior, untrusting, stealth, and ready for battle.
It showed on Padme's face that she was surprised to hear that name coming from Anakin's mouth. His curious movements kept her gaze as he rested his ankle on his knee, and interlaced his hands over his lap. Again, with the calmness of a lion laying low in the grass, never knowing when it'll pounce, aim the hunter's bow...
"He called looking for you."
There was more silence for a minute. Until she spoke in an inevitable way.
"He was my supervisor, sort of. I assisted him in cases. And. . .my boyfriend. Before I got here. We were together for a year, on and off..." Her voice trailed off.
"Gonna call him back?" said Anakin dryly. A loaded question. He expected a certain answer. A trigger of truth. A truth he approved of.
"No." Padme's posture was relaxed. No hesitance. Just a confident sigh. "There's nothing to say."
Anakin looked steady, not speaking. Just thinking about it. So she joined him on the couch, observing him and the vague painting he had imprinted on his face – once again, stoical, pretending to be unaffected.
"Are you jealous?" She bit the inside of her lip so she wouldn't chase off the truth with a chuckle.
"No." He grumbled. And this ensured he would not look at her. But she leaned into it, studying him further.
"You are so jealous." Her eyes flared with temptation.
"I'm not jealous." He continued with that same grumpiness. His eyes were burning a hole in the floor tiles.
"Then kiss me." She said triumphantly, placing a hand on his chest, straightening his crinkled t-shirt. He kept his gaze away from her, knowing she was getting to him. He could feel a smile coming on, which he quickly suppressed, doubling down on his stormy mood.
She got a kick out of the over-acted expression and crawled onto his lap.
"Hold me." She insisted with a dulcet, flirtatious tone. She took his arms to loop them around her but they quickly dropped onto the couch like two heavy logs. "Fine, be grumpy." She sighed nonchalantly and slid off his legs–
–but with the quickness of a cat, he grasped her arm and brought her back. She giggled with victory after the unexpected spin. Her hands landed on his chest to ease the momentum of his forceful pull. His arms secured her on his lap. And she caught the roguish smirk on his face. He had given in – on his terms, of course.
Their faces almost touching, their vital grins only a breath away from each other's. Now clear-eyed, with smooth, beautiful togetherness, their lips synched.
If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman?
If I'm alive and well, will you be there a holding my hand?
I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman might
Kryptonite
Three Doors Down - Kryptonite