Chapter 2: Me Without You
TW: Attempted suicide and infanticide
8 July 46, Hokage Mountain, Konoha
Kushina closed her eyes as a cool breeze rolled down the cliff behind her. She ran her toe along the edge of the Shodaime's stone hitai-ate. The sister she had known for most of her life was gone. In her place was a shell of a woman, almost as though Dan had taken her into the grave with him. Kushina wondered if she would be the same if Minato were to die. Would she want to lay down and join him? If it weren't for the kyuubi inside her, perhaps she would.
She missed her Tsunade-nee. The no-nonsense kunoichi who had taught her to be strong in a world dominated by men. The elder sister figure who thought nothing of taking an orphan from Uzushio under her wing. The smell of chicken marinated in sake coming from the Senju kitchen. The "Welcome home, knucklehead. You better be in one piece, or else."
As she opened her eyes, she spotted the tree that she had fallen from as a six-year-old. She had been hiding from a school bully and had broken her arm. As Tsunade had set the break, she'd said, "You are not a weak girl. Stop acting like one. Kick those stupid boys in the balls next time." The next time she faced the group of boys, they ended up on their knees, faces in the ground. A ghost of a smile crossed her face before vanishing as her current reality set in.
Kushina's eyes began to prick with unshed tears as she thought of Tsunade now. When she came home from her last mission on the border, she had almost broken down herself. The smell that came from the pile of unlaundered blankets around her sister's body was ungodly. Flies had made their home in a bucket of unwashed dishes. Tsunade hadn't even bothered to activate the pest control seal. The tatami mats were disheveled and exposed the bare floor. The antique papered doors had holes in them from the numerous sake bottles that had been thrown onto the engawa. It was then that Kushina begged the Sandaime for an emergency leave of absence. He almost didn't grant it until he saw the state of his former student himself.
"Kushina-chan?" Minato sat quietly and tucked her under his arm. She exhaled and basked in the strength he was lending her.
"I don't think that baby is going to make it…"
"She'll make it, love. They both will."
"I miss her." Minato held her tighter as they watched the sun disappear over the ridge. "Sometimes, I wonder if she'll just vanish someday. Or if I'll come home to find her… People do that sometimes. When the grief becomes too much."
"I have an idea," he whispered. He held her hand and walked her to the lonely cemetary on the edge of town.
"What are we doing in this spooky place?" Kushina shivered. "Oh gods, you're not going to try something perverted are you! Sex in a graveyard, Minato! Seriously?!"
Minato's entire face turned bright red at the accusation. "What? No! Look! I brought incense! We're going to pray for Dan Kato's help."
10 January 47, Senju Compound, Konoha
Seven months. Seven months of watching his lover grieve over him while her belly became round with his child. Seven months of fathering his child's spirit was a tease. It was not enough. He wanted to stay. He didn't want to be dead. He didn't want Tsunade to be in such pain. She wasn't eating. She never slept, spending her days and nights staring at the wall in front of her. It was a miracle that the little angel that tailed his every movement hadn't been miscarried.
There was an endless stream of friends and very distant relations who came to visit the grieving woman at first. But the list slowly dwindled as time went on and people realized that Tsunade's depression was there to stay. There were only three people who still visited her regularly: Orochimaru, Sakumo Hatake, and Kushina Uzumaki.
Dan knew that Orochimaru saw Tsunade and Jiraiya as the family he never had. Sakumo Hatake had always been in the sannins' corner. He was their senpai and very involved with their training. Sweet little Kushina had certainly grown up in the last few months. Dan had never suspected that his death would affect the Uzumaki. Apparently, having her elder sister figure prostrate with grief aged her. She changed from a rambunctious and irresponsible sixteen-year-old girl to a mature and capable seventeen-year-old.
If Tsunade did not come out of this well of depression by the time Katya-chan was born, at least there would be somebody to take care of their child. He had been very surprised that Hokage-sama had not visited after the first month. Dan supposed that he was busy running the village, but still, could he not see his former student's pain? Was the man that oblivious? The thought of their Hokage's callousness made Dan burn with uncharacteristic anger.
"Papa?" came the quiet voice from where he was sitting. He had been watching Tsunade stare at the wall again from a chair in the corner of their bedroom.
"What's that love-bug?" he smiled at his little girl, causing her to beam back at him.
"There's a water snake in the pond! And they talk! They talked!" she said excitedly, pulling his hand towards the engawa. "Come look, papa! The snake talk!"
Dan smiled, grateful that Orochimaru was keeping constant watch to prevent Tsunade from doing something permanently damaging. He let himself be pulled along towards the pond and crouched down beside the little blonde girl as she pointed at the striped reptile swimming lazily along the water's surface.
"I know you are there, ssspirit," it said testily. "Dispersse. You causse much sssorrow with your unnatural lingering."
"See?! I told you the snake talked!"
"I believed you, hime-chan. Why don't you go sit with your mother for a moment, hmm?" He gently pushed the child towards the open sliding door and watched as she walked through. Her hair bounced and tried to escape from its confines. It made him smile to himself. Most mornings it was their routine to fix her hair together.
"How do you know that I am trapped in the mortal plane, summons-san?" The snake cocked its head in response and blinked, lowering its first set of eyelids before opening them again.
"I sssee all in shadows. 'Tisss a ssnake's lot in life. I can read your lipss. But I cannot hear you."
"I understand. I am Dan Kato, former elite jounin of Konohagakure. I am trapped here in between the mortal and spiritual plane, as is the child. The child's name is Katya. She is mine and Tsunade's. I assume that she will enter her body at the moment of birth."
Tsunade moaned from her bed as pain shot through her body and her abdomen tensed. Her cries brought Dan running to the room.
"Mama wet the bed, papa!" Katya said loudly, pointing at the soaked sheets.
"So she did. Summons-san, can you get help please?" The snake bobbed its head before slithering away. The heavily pregnant woman screamed again after the summons left for its master.
"No! You will not arrive! I don't want you…" Tsunade grunted, her greasy hair stuck to her forehead, "to remind me of them! I will not live with this!" She screamed at her clenching abdomen as she moved herself into a seated position. In a fit of madness, she formed a chakra scalpel in her hand and pointed it towards her womb. Katya's spirit began to shriek in terror at the scene.
"Tsuna, NO!" Dan cried as he put all his energy into stopping her hand. Miraculously, he was able to reach out and physically stop her. When he did, their spirits connected and she was able to see him, one last time.
10 January 47, Tsunade's mindscape
"Dan?" Tsunade asked quietly as her lover's spirit stood before her in her mind's eye.
"Tsunade. I've caused you a lot of pain. I'm sorry. Please, don't join me in the afterlife so soon."
"How can I stay here while you're gone? How can I keep on living when everyone I become close to dies?"
"Not everyone, Tsunade." Dan placed his hand gently on her swollen abdomen and pressed his forehead against hers. "I have seen everything that has happened in the past seven months. You have people who love you, Tsunade. If you leave now, if you do this, then you will pass the pain on to them. Orochimaru-san has been leaving a summons at the Senju compound every day. Sakumo-senpai comes to visit you daily with little Kakashi-kun when he's in the village. And Kushina-chan has grown up so much in the past few months just taking care of everything else. Please, Tsunade, lean on the living and not on ghosts."
"I can't. I can't. Please don't make me," the blonde sobbed as she grabbed the front of the spirit's flak jacket.
"You can. You must. You are one of the strongest people I have ever known. It's okay to ask for help from others, love. Little Katya-chan is going to need you to be healthy."
"I can't raise this child, Dan. I will fail her. Just being around me will kill her. I am poisonous to everyone I have ever loved."
"You're not poison, Tsunade. If… if you don't feel that you are safe, then ask for help. Please, love. Do not follow me. My time is running out. I love you. I will always love you." The dead shinobi kissed her forehead before disappearing completely from Tsunade's mindscape.
"Papa?" a small spirit's voice quivered from the corner of the room, unheard.
The sliding door opened to reveal Orochimaru. "Tsunade-hime, my summons told me you are in labor," the snake-sannin said matter-of-factly.
"Aa." The laboring woman groaned while the wooden post she had been holding onto turned into dust in her hand. "Just kill me, 'Rochi."
"No." He crossed his arms in front of his chest and lifted an eyebrow. "Do you wish to give birth here or at the hospital?"
"Here. No one can…" Tsunade suppressed a scream. "...see me like this. I don't want… Dan's child to be kidnapped by that Shimura character moments after she is born…" she said between pants.
"He is not all that bad. In the shinobi lifestyle, we cannot claim superior moral high ground," Orochimaru rasped.
"No. I would rather she be taken… by the Mizu… kage than that rat," the medic was vehement.
"Are you positive you do not require a real medic's assistance? I have limited knowledge of childbirth." He scrunched his nose slightly in distaste upon realizing that he would be playing the role of midwife that evening.
"Check if the head is crowning…" Tsunade said with a pained gasp as she leaned over the footboard of the bed in a squat.
"This is, by far, the most disgusting thing you have ever asked me to do," the normally composed man stated, but he complied all the same. "You are not crowning as of yet. I would estimate nine centimeters." He pulled his hand away in disgust and went to wash in the adjoining bathroom.
"'Rochi, you… work on… cadavers all… fucking day. Get over it."
"Yes, but they do not talk back nor do they breathe. And I certainly do not bother with genitalia regularly."
"Ngh." Tsunade screamed again, causing her teammate to inwardly wince.
Kushina heard the screaming from the engawa and ran into the room, dropping the groceries that she had been carrying.
"Nee-chan!" The red-head looked shocked to see that her elder sister figure was in labor.
"Oh joy, more company," Tsunade groaned.
"Do you know anything about birthing, Kushina-chan?" Orochimaru asked.
"Uhm, a little, I guess?"
"Excellent. I will procure... diapers." He gratefully left the room, shutting the engawa door behind him.
"Kushina… I am about to give birth. I can feel the baby crowning now." Tsunade looked at the young woman seriously.
The seventeen-year-old gulped and returned the woman's look with an uneasy one of her own. "Okay, no problem. We got this, dattebane!"
In the spiritual plane of this world, away from the notice of the jinchuuriki and the child's mother: the moment that the child was born, its soul was unceremoniously stolen by the god of chaos, Amatsu-Mikaboshi. The childish soul in the corner of the room screamed as she was sucked into the void of the baby's body and continued to scream until she lost consciousness.
"She's not breathing! Nee-chan! She's not...! Do something!" the red-head screamed hysterically while starting infant CPR. The blonde hesitated. This would be an easy way for the child to go, rather than face the hardships of the shinobi world. Tsunade's brain kicked in and began to shame herself for those thoughts before taking the infant from the teenager. She quickly pulled mucus from the child's throat and lungs. The baby began to cry as it took its first breath in a new world.
"Kushina, take her, please. Her name is Katya Senju," the medic former said as she began to heal her own small tears. She signed the blank birth certificate that Sakumo had previously brought to the Senju compound. She handed it to the teenager to sign as a witness before finally resting.
AN: Thank you so much for reading! One good tern deserves another. ㄟ( ･ө･ )ㄏ Leave a review, keyboard smash, emoji symbolizing how this made you feel, I try to reply as soon as I get them. :) If you liked this fic be sure to hit follow to have update alerts!
Sorry for the attempted late-term abortion/simultaneous suicide; I thought it was important to show her state of mind going forward. Just remember, this is the Tsunade before Naruto's Therapy-no-Jutsu. This is also a Tsunade who lost the love of her life recently.
For the kanji name I used a kanji generator; the name actually is Croatian (Katja, катја) in origin in this fic and means pure one.
Musume means daughter in Japanese.
We'll be aging Dan and Tsunade up by about three years here, so he dies at age 30 instead of 27.
On Depression:
Severe depression is no joke. It definitely drives people to do things that they otherwise would not think about. Get help and reach out as soon as possible! If you are experiencing any sign of mental illness contact your healthcare provider, therapist, priest, other clergy or counselor.
Some emergency contact numbers:
US Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Canada Suicide hotline: 1-833-456-4566
UK Suicide hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90
Austrailia Suicide Hotline: 13 11 14
Online chat: suicidepreventionlifeline .org there's a chat option in the top-right corner of the page.
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