Chapter 22: A Christmas Waltz
"Why did I say yes?" Charlotte questioned out loud as she threw yet another rejected blouse and skirt into a growing heap on top of her bed.
Who was she kidding? She knew exactly why she had said yes.
Charlotte had always loved dancing. One of her first memories was at the ranch's annual fall round-up party, where the barn would be cleared, and musicians set up in the corner. All the neighboring ranches would come and dance until the sun rose the next morning. Charlotte's dad putting her on the toes of his boots, holding her little hands in his calloused ones, as he stepped to the beat of the song being played. Weaving them effortlessly between the other dancers.
Charlotte also had said yes because deep down she was tired of finding reasons to tell Nathan no. The look on his face when he had asked if she would go to the dance with him, it was so full of hope. Hope that she would say yes. Hope that she would go with him. But most of all, he seemed to be hoping that this would allow them to move forward. Together.
But Nathan had also been hesitant. Preparing himself for Charlotte to say no.
His confessions about learning to dance, so open and vulnerable, had made the decision for Charlotte. She would go with Nathan. He had been incredibly patient, kind, and supportive to her. If Nathan was brave enough to ask Charlotte, in the face of possible rejection, she was going to be brave enough to finally say yes.
At this moment though, that seemed like a horrible decision.
Charlotte had wanted to look special tonight. Nathan deserved that.
And she wanted to feel special tonight. Charlotte deserved that.
But with every piece of clothing pulled from Charlotte's trunk those ideas seemed to slip further and further from her grasp. She had nothing to wear. Nathan had already seen Charlotte in her nicest dresses and skirts. Defeated, Charlotte tossed herself onto the bed.
What was she going to do? The dance was tonight!
What she wouldn't give for a fairy godmother at this moment.
Fairy godmother.
A light went off in Charlotte's mind and she jumped up, quickly grabbed her coat and headed out the door of the house.
"That one is lovely!" Rosemary commented from the chair in front of Dottie's dressing room.
Charlotte turned to see her reflection in the mirror of the dress shop. This dress was lovely. A deep shade of evergreen, like the pine forest that grew her Christmas tree. It complimented Charlotte's skin tone and the season they were in, but it still did not seem right. There was too much taffeta material that caused the dress to be stiff and unmoving. It crunched when Charlotte walked.
"But it's not the right one, is it?" Rosemary said, reading Charlotte's mind.
"No," Charlotte answered, starting to feel discouraged. She had tried on so many outfits already, but none seemed to fit her need for the dance tonight.
"We have a couple more options," Clara said as she disappeared into the back. "Dottie sent in a new shipment that just arrived this morning, I wonder if there is something in one of those packages."
Rosemary waited impatiently as Charlotte and Clara disappeared into the dressing room again. She was about to go in and investigate when Charlotte emerged from behind the curtain.
"Oh, Charlotte!" Rosemary gasped. "That is the one."
Charlotte smiled. She agreed. She hadn't even looked in the mirror yet and knew that this was the dress for her. The midnight blue dress with three-quarter length sleeves. The neckline hung at the edge of Charlotte's shoulder, exposing her elegant collarbone. The lace of the bodice hugged her curves to where the material gathered at the waist before flowing gently into an A-line skirt below.
Charlotte had never felt more beautiful.
"How much is the dress, Clara?" Charlotte questioned as she walked over to the counter. Clara dug through paperwork and added together some numbers before handing the receipt to Charlotte, a sympathetic expression crossing her face.
Charlotte's heart sank. There was no way she could afford paying that amount for a dress. It was too frivolous.
"Clara, was there something else in the package from Dottie?" Charlotte questioned as the two women headed into the back room again in search of plan B.
Charlotte dashed about her house as she finished getting ready for the dance. Nathan and Allie would be here any minute and Charlotte's nerves were getting the best of her. She looked at her reflection in the mirror. There was something missing.
Charlotte walked to her trunk and pulled out a small box. She had not touched this package since the night of her attack. Charlotte ran her thumb over the velvet covering before opening the hinge. Inside were the last remaining pieces of her mother's jewelry. Charlotte's fingers found what she was looking for; the simple pearl drop earrings that her mother once wore for any special occasion.
How Charlotte wished she could just talk to her mom again. Even if just for a moment.
She would tell her about Allie and how the little girl had come to mean so much to Charlotte. How just days ago, she had told the young woman how she made Charlotte feel like a mother herself. Which was true. Charlotte thought back to the first moment she saw Allie in the classroom the day of her arrival in Hope Valley. There had been a draw to the child like nothing Charlotte had ever felt before. She knew now it was the love between a daughter and mother being created that day. At that moment.
But Charlotte would be lying if she did not admit to having concerns about what she had said to Allie. Could Charlotte still be the mother figure Allie needed if she were never fully able to be with Nathan?
Charlotte's mind floating to memories of her pressed against Nathan after the fire as they rode together on Newton down the mountain. Her broken body floating in and out of consciousness. Fully aware of his presence, but too weak to react to his touch. His steady breath rhythmic against her wet and matted hair.
Hang on darling. Please hang on. Nathan's gentle whispers had seemed like a dream.
Days later, fully present, was the first time Charlotte had reached out to Nathan. When her hand gripped his, even amid the fear and hesitation, Charlotte had marveled at the feeling that came with the contact. Nathan's strong hand wrapped protectively around Charlotte's fingers seemed to heal her more than any medicine could.
And since then. The intimate early mornings spent on the back steps of the house. Their Sunday dinners. Walking together in search of the perfect Christmas tree. Welcoming Nathan into her house. Their shared moment in the snow, when for a second Charlotte thought that Nathan may kiss her. And the other night, when she had allowed Nathan to wrap his arms around her and Allie.
Charlotte could tell it was progress, but doubt still found a way of seeping in. Could she ever heal enough to fully be with Nathan?
And more importantly did Nathan even still want to be with her? Yes, he had asked Charlotte to marry him, but that was when Nathan was being honorable with her pregnancy. Charlotte had declined the proposal, releasing him from the duty and obligation.
Still the words Nathan spoke to Charlotte the morning of Elizabeth's wedding came to mind.
Charlotte, I waited three years for the wrong woman. I will wait a lifetime for the right one. And whether you believe it or not, you are the right woman for me. So, whenever you are ready to let love in. I'll be here.
Was Charlotte ready to let love in? To let Nathan love her? And more importantly, allow herself love Nathan?
Charlotte admitted she cared deeply for Nathan and there seemed to be a strong connection between the two of them. In the months since moving to Hope Valley, Charlotte found the nightmares of her attack, slowly being replaced by happy dreams. Happy dreams of her future. One that she saw with Allie and Nathan.
And their family.
A home in the country. Maybe near their meadow or a river for fishing. With horses and a garden. Kids playing in the yard. Nathan riding up the lane. Returning to them. Returning to her. Nathan removing his hat and carelessly tossing it to the side as he reached for Charlotte, pulling her into a deep and passionate welcome home kiss.
A knock sounded at the door and woke Charlotte from the dream. She stared at her reflection one last time in the mirror. Her cheeks had become flushed from the haunting memory of Nathan's kiss. She lifted a finger to touch her lips. It had all seemed so real.
Nathan knew it was not polite to stare. But he could not help it.
There he stood on the front porch of Charlotte's house. Slack-jawed and eyes wide open, taking in the splendor that stood before him.
"Wow!" Allie exclaimed; her voice full of wonder beside him. "You look beautiful, Ms. Thompson!"
"Thank you, Allie!" Charlotte graciously replied. "You look beautiful as well! And so grown up."
The two stepped together and hugged. Charlotte's hands brushing Allie's hair to the side and taking in the full appearance of the young woman before her.
But Nathan still only saw Charlotte. She was heavenly. Just like the angel that kept a watchful eye from her perch on top of the Christmas tree. Charlotte wore a new cream-colored blouse made of a lace and sheer material, giving just a hint of the curves below. The deep burgundy skirt, nipped in at Charlotte's waist before flowing gently to the floor. Charlotte's hair was expertly pinned into an elegant up-do, but already wisps of her unruly waves were spilling from their assigned positions, framing her face.
"Nathan."
"Huh…" Was the only response his mind could generate in that moment.
"I said you look very handsome tonight Nathan," Charlotte repeated, finally breaking Nathan out of his stupor.
"You… you look…" Nathan was fumbling. The right word to describe the beauty in front of him did not seem to exist in the English language. Alluring. Ravishing. Gorgeous. Exquisite. None seemed to do Charlotte justice, so he finally settled on- "You look stunning."
A rosy glow built across Charlotte's cheeks.
"Thank you," she replied, her voice husky and low.
"We better get going. Can't be late!" Allie declared as she bounded down the steps in front of them.
Charlotte turned to grab her coat.
"Here, let me help," Nathan offered as he reached ahead of her and took the wool jacket off the hook. He held it open to Charlotte, helping to slip her arms into the sleeves and pull the coat onto her shoulders. She turned then in his arms. They were so close. He could hear her breath quicken, but Charlotte did not shy away. Instead, she stared up at Nathan. Her gaze unbreaking from his.
"Are you guys coming?" Allie's voice carried back into the house.
"We will be right there," Nathan replied, but his eyes didn't leave Charlotte's.
"We…" Charlotte began. "We should probably go.
"Mmmmhmmm…" Nathan nodded his head but did not make a move for the door.
His attention caused Charlotte to nervously laugh and finally drop her gaze, "Come on constable. Let's see if Rosemary's lessons paid off."
As they walked up to the front doors of the saloon, Nathan's hand brushed against Charlotte's. He hesitated for a step or two; then he took her hand, ready to release it if she flinched in objection. This would be the first time they shared any display of affection with the outside world, and he was not sure if she would be ready. But after a startled look, Charlotte smiled and curled her fingers around his, squeezing it gently in reassurance.
The party was already in full swing, but the music seemed to stop the moment Allie, Nathan, and Charlotte walked through the door. Everyone in the room turning and taking in the sight in front of them. Nathan could feel Charlotte's pulse quicken through the connection in their hands. He gently rubbed his thumb back and forth, easing the tension in her muscles.
Molly and Bill were the first couple to break the awkward stand-off and come up to Charlotte and Nathan.
"Charlotte, you look beautiful." Bill complimented.
"You both look wonderful," added Molly. "Quite a handsome couple if I do say so myself. Are you a couple?"
Nathan and Charlotte turned towards each other, a smile crossing their faces.
"Molly!" Bill scolded, "You can't just ask them that."
"Why not?" Molly retorted, not seeing anything wrong in her blunt questioning.
Thankfully, Carson swept in, "Allie. Charlotte. Nathan. Can I get a picture of you three?" He motioned for them to turn towards him, lifting his camera into position as the Grants and Charlotte moved in closer together and smiled into the lens.
The party was beginning to wind down and Nathan still had not had an opportunity to dance with Charlotte yet. From the moment they had walked in the front door of the saloon, they both seemed to be pulled in opposite directions. The women of Hope Valley instantly flocked to Charlotte, describing with words exactly what Nathan had wished he would have been able to tell her back at the house. She was a vision tonight. At the same time, the men encircled Nathan, gently inquiring, if in fact, he and Charlotte had come here together.
Even though Nathan and Charlotte had spent most of the evening apart, entrapped in opposite clusters of townsfolk, their eyes always seemed to search the other out. Staring across the room. Speaking between them when words were not possible or even necessary.
Finally, Charlotte saw Nathan make his way to the corner of the saloon, towards the dessert table she had helped Minnie set up earlier. Charlotte gracefully excused herself from Fiona and Mike to follow Nathan.
"Are you really planning to eat that all by yourself?" Charlotte questioned, seeing Nathan pick up the last slice of chocolate cake.
Nathan had been caught red-handed. It was a rather large piece to eat by himself, but he had been eyeing this cake all night.
"Mind if I help?" Charlotte had reached for a fork and was aiming it directly for his plate.
A smile beamed across Nathan's face.
"Not at all. I would be happy to share," Nathan said, as he shifted to hold the plate between them.
They quietly stood together in the low light of the room, gently taking turns with their forks, until the slice of cake had quickly disappeared.
"Allie left a few minutes ago, she and some of the other girls are staying the night at Emily's house," Nathan broke the simple silence that had fallen over them.
"Yes, she stopped to give me a hug on her way out the door and tell me goodnight."
"Thank you."
Charlotte turned to look at Nathan, raising her eyebrow in question. The fork she had been using, positioned between her lips as she cleaned it of the remaining frosting.
"For what you said the other night," Nathan continued. "To Allie. About the baby."
Nathan swallowed, his throat had suddenly gone dry, "And about how you feel like a mother to Allie."
Charlotte gave him a gentle smile but wasn't sure if she could find the right words. She did love Allie like a mother, but what did this mean for her and Nathan?
"When we lost Colleen, I had no idea what was going to happen. I hardly knew how to be a father, let alone both parents. I've tried to make sure Allie never felt like she was missing out, but I know that wasn't always the case."
Charlotte reached over to touch his hand. "You are an amazing father to Allie. I think I can speak for her when I tell you she has never felt as though she was missing out. Because your love grew to fill every part of her life that needed it. Uncle. Father. Mother. It does not need to be labeled. You were there when it mattered most. She knew she was safe, cared for, and most of all loved."
Charlotte squeezed Nathan's hand to make sure she had his attention, "Nathan Grant. You are the most caring human I have ever met, and I thank God every day for sending me your light on my darkest of days. And I believe Allie would say the same thing."
Nathan's heart rate quickened. His breath was short and shallow. No one had ever talked to him in this way. Had ever told him how much they appreciated having him in their lives. It was an unknown and scary place to be for Nathan Grant. He could single handedly take down the most dangerous criminals in the territory, but the woman who stood beside him at this moment, caused his wits to become scrambled.
Sensing the need to change the setting, before one of them said too much, Charlotte gently pulled him with her. "May I have this next dance, Constable Grant?"
The music had changed. It was slow and rhythmic. Nathan's mind raced. Not just with trying to remember the steps Rosemary had taught him, but also with Charlotte's words. She had led them to the edge of the dance floor. Every eye seemed to land on the newest Hope Valley couple. Charlotte slowly turned then to face Nathan, raising their hands into position.
It was not until Nathan moved his right hand to Charlotte's back, that the first wave of concern raced into Charlotte. Her eyes grew big, her chest rose and fell rapidly. Her breath became jagged and heavy.
No, love. Please, don't do this. I am not Beck. Nathan pleaded.
But no amount of secret pleading could prevent the panic attack that buckled Charlotte.
"I… I'm so sorry, Nathan." Tears flooded to the corners of Charlotte's eyes. "But I can't do this."
Before Nathan could react, Charlotte had slipped from his arms and in one motion grabbed her coat from the back of a nearby chair and left through the doors of the saloon.
"Charlotte!" Nathan's voice called out into the night.
Charlotte could hear his footsteps as he quickly caught up to her. What was she going to tell Nathan? No amount of explaining herself was going to do any good. She didn't even know what was going on inside her own mind, so how was she going to explain it to him?
"Charlotte, please wait!" Nathan pulled up beside her, his face only illuminated by the aid of the moonlight reflecting on the snow around them.
Nathan was so close that his worry and his fear and his love were Charlotte's as well. She soaked in his emotions like a sponge.
"Did I-" Nathan started.
"No, Nathan. It was nothing you did. This is all my fault! I thought I could do this…" Charlotte's voice breaking. "But I was wrong. When your- when your hands… but more so when we were so close, face to face. I was taken right back there. Right back to the night of my attack. Right back to- to Beck. I'm sorry, Nathan."
"Charlotte, I'm sorry, are two words you never have to say to me. This is not your fault. I have told you before. When things get tough, please don't push me away. Let me in." Nathan took a step closer to Charlotte.
She responded by taking a step back, keeping the distance.
"Nathan, you don't want me. I'm… I'm broken." Charlotte cried out.
"Charlotte." Nathan's voice now barely above a whisper. "I don't believe you are broken. And even if you were. I would happily spend the rest of my life putting you back together, piece by piece."
Nathan saw Charlotte soften. He needed to touch her. Hold her. Connect and comfort them both. So, he stepped forward, gently reaching for her hand, "Char-"
"No! Don't- Don't touch me!" Charlotte's voice raised, flinching away from Nathan. Her eyes were wild. Her breath came fast and shallow. And her whole body trembling in uncontrollable fear.
"I am not going to hurt you." Nathan said calmly, but still in a firm and convincing manner. "Listen to me Charlotte. You are safe and Beck is never going to hurt you again. I am here now."
He again took a step closer and reached forward to take Charlotte's hands into his. "Trust me, I won't let anything happen to you. I promise."
Nathan had expected Charlotte to again pull her hands away in panic, but she didn't- instead Charlotte relaxed a little. She let out a jagged breath, tears forming in her eyes, "I…"
"It's okay," Nathan said as he smiled and pulled Charlotte into a hug. She didn't resist, instead she folded into his body. "It's okay, I'm here."
Nathan's left arm had found its place at the curve of Charlotte's back, while his right hand supported her head as she sobbed into his chest. Charlotte's hands clenched at the lapels of his dark grey suit jacket. Her tears broke Nathan's heart. The pain she had experienced. How could Charlotte not see how strong of a woman she was for moving forward with her life?
"Ssshhh… Ssshhh…" Nathan cooed gently over the top of Charlotte's hair. Time seemed to not exist at that moment. They stayed there wrapped into each other's body. Neither caring if anyone walked by and saw. They both let their pent-up emotions flow out. The pain experienced over the past six month, spilled out as tears onto the streets of Hope Valley.
After a long while, Charlotte's trembling body quieted. Instead of quaking shudders, soft sniffles formed in their place, and she became aware of her contact with Nathan. Her body stiffened then in realization. Nathan felt it.
"It's me sweetheart. Nathan. You have nothing to be afraid of. Cry as long as you need to. I'll be here. I'll hold you. Just let it be me in that pretty mind of yours."
Charlotte's muscles relaxed. Her hands flattened against Nathan's chest, feeling his steady heartbeat under her fingertips. The warmth that radiated between them.
She was safe. She was cared for. And dare she believe it? She was loved.
Charlotte leaned back slightly then, moving her gaze from Nathan's shirt up to his eyes that were heavy with emotion. The moonlight causing his irises to morph into a steely midnight blue color. The same shade as the gown Charlotte had tried on that morning in the dress shop. Charlotte could get lost in Nathan's eyes and be happy to wander aimlessly in their depths for the rest of her life.
Nathan's hand moved from the back of Charlotte's head, her once elegant up-do, now muddled and loose, to cup the side of her face and brush the remaining streams of salty tears from her cheeks.
"Let's go home," Nathan suggested, taking Charlotte's hand and leading them into the future.