Chapter 39- Stormy Thoughts

One Saturday, a few weeks after Charlotte's birthday party, Nathan was roused awake by a booming clap of thunder from an early morning storm moving through the valley. Nathan watched out his window as the lightning danced across the sky and a strong breeze pelleted rain droplets against the glass.

Nathan had received a telegram message from Gabe the day before. Gabe was returning to Brookfield from a second visit to McEntire where he was able to collect more evidence that should continue to push their case against him forward. Gabe didn't plan on returning to Potter's Creek for a few months. Beck had told Kinslow he wouldn't need him to start the security detail position for the railroad until this fall. That gave Nathan and Gabe time to finish formulating their plan for McEntire's arrest when they were together for Fred's adoption ceremony at the end of next month.

A sharp lightning bolt struck nearby; its following thunder rattled the windows of Nathan's row house. This storm reminded Nathan of when Allie was a little girl. She had just come to live with him at the fort after Colleen's passing, when a summer thunderstorm rolled through late one night. Nathan was finishing a chapter in his book, when a light knock came on his door and Allie's head peeked into his bedroom.

"Uncle Nathan," her little voice called to him, clutching a teddy bear close to her body. "Can I sleep in your bed tonight? At least until this storm is over?"

Nathan remembered being uneasy at Allie's request. He hadn't been around many children at that point in his life. He didn't know how to comfort a child who was scared or afraid. Colleen was such a natural mother. Nurturing, guiding, loving. Just like Charlotte.

Doubt crept into him, but Nathan nodded his head as he scooted to one side of his small Mountie issued mattress. Allie came to the edge of the bed and Nathan reached over and lifted her to sit beside him.

"What are you reading?" Allie's hand ran over the worn cover of the book Nathan had set on his lap when he was interrupted.

"The Wonderful Wizard of Oz."

"Can you read it to me? Mom would always read to me before bed. Until she got sick…" Allie's eyes got misty as she squeezed her teddy bear tighter. "I miss that."

"Allie," Nathan wrapped an arm around his niece. "You never told me that your mom read you stories every night."

"I thought all moms and dads knew that they were supposed to do that. And you just didn't want to."

Allie was probably right. All moms and dads knew that reading at bedtime was a part of raising a child. He felt like he was failing Allie and at the same time failing Colleen's memory. Was he really the right choice for Allie's guardian?

"I'm sorry Allie. I didn't know. But I'll make you a promise if you make me one too, okay?"

"What's that?"

"Whenever you are feeling sad or upset about something. Please tell me. Remember I'm new at this being a da…" Nathan paused. He couldn't bring himself to say the word 'dad'. There was far too much weight that came with those three letters.

"Remember I'm new at this thing. Your mom had four years of experience raising you. I need you to help by telling me what I'm doing wrong. Starting with bedtime stories."

A big smile spread across Allie's face as she nodded in agreement. "Don't worry Uncle Nathan. I'll let you know what you're doing right too."

Allie sat up a little straighter and placed a small kiss on the side of Nathan's cheek. Nathan's heart clenched. That was the moment he knew he had fallen head over heels in love with this little girl. His little girl.

As Allie snuggled closer into his side Nathan opened the book and began reading.

"Dorothy lived in the midst of the great Kansas prairies, with Uncle Henry, who was a farmer, and Aunt Em, who was the farmer's wife. Their house was small, for the lumber to build it had to be carried by wagon many miles…"

Nathan hadn't thought about that memory in years. It was where his and Allie's mutual love of reading was planted. A place where they could escape from their everyday lives. Travel the world and go on many adventures without leaving Nathan's latest posting.

Allie was growing up so quickly. It had become painfully obvious to Nathan this summer. First, on their trip to Brookfield and then more recently when she left a couple days ago to spend some time with her grandma, Nathan's mother. She had traveled by herself before, but this time seemed different. There were only a couple more summers that Allie would be living under his roof before she went off to college and created a life of her own.

And where would that leave Nathan?

Alone? Living in this quiet house without Allie's playful banter? Her being gone the past few days had been a painful glimpse of what this future could look like.

But what could it look like if Charlotte decided to be a part of his life? Officially. After her birthday a few weeks ago, it had given Nathan hope like he had not allowed himself to feel before.

Nathan knew Charlotte was healing. It had been clear to him since the days following the wildfire last fall and especially from her promise at Christmas. But the night of her birthday, Charlotte seemed different. More direct with expressing her feelings to him.

"I'd thought you'd never ask."

"I'm home. With you. I'll always be home."

"Life with you will never be unadventurous or mundane, Mr. Grant."

"Every birthday I get to spend with you is going to become my favorite."

And the one that seemed to replay in Nathan's mind over and over again was… "I'm ready."

Was Charlotte truly ready to be with him? Marry him?

Months ago, that hadn't been the case. Nathan replayed the morning in Charlotte's backyard when she had declined his marriage proposal. They both had been so physically and emotionally exhausted that day. But still Charlotte and Nathan fought hard to plead their cases as to what getting married would mean to their relationship.

"Don't you see? You are just doing this because you feel it's your duty to save my reputation. To save me. To save my child. But Nathan it is not your duty to save us. Not at the risk of your own happiness. I would never be able to offer you what someone else will be. And there will be someone else. Someone who is able to love you completely. To love you and Allie how you both deserve. She will complete your family in ways I never could. Because Nathan. How I am now. I can't even breathe with you being this close to me. Looking at me like that. The way my body reacts at the thought of you just holding my hand. Let alone kissing me or being intimate."

"I don't need those things to be happy, Charlotte. All I need is you, Allie, and the baby."

"You say that now. But what about a year down the road? Or five? Nathan, I am tired. I am lonely. And I am weak right now and it would be so easy to say yes to you. So easy! But I can't. You are the most incredible, selfless, kind, generous, and noble man I will ever meet. But I can't just say yes to you. It wouldn't be fair of me. I can't take the possibility of a full marriage away from you. You deserve someone who can kiss you at the end of a long day. A woman who could hold you at night and give you children of your own. I will never be able to be that woman, Nathan. Not after everything I've been through."

"Char-"

"No, Nathan. I'm so sorry. But I can't marry you, please understand."

Looking back Nathan understood why Charlotte had said those things. Why she believed turning down his proposal was her way of showing how much she cared for him and his happiness.

While Nathan understood, he didn't agree with her reasonings.

When Charlotte said those things, she only saw what marriage was supposed to look like. In its simplest form. A man and woman having children together. Safety and respectability. Little more.

What Nathan saw then, and even more so now, was what he and Charlotte had together. It was love. True, unabiding, once in a lifetime, shoot for the moon kind of love.

When Nathan was with Charlotte, he acted differently. In a good way. He smiled more and laughed more. He didn't have to pretend everything was okay when it really wasn't. With Charlotte, Nathan could drop the fake smile and put on a real one. Since she came into his life, Nathan no longer felt hurt or alone. Instead, he felt supported and loved. Charlotte was the easiest person to talk to. She listened to him. Really listened to him and seemed to know when he needed advice or just her friendly presence. Nathan didn't have to worry about holding back with Charlotte. He could be silly and goofy with her. Carefree. Himself in every way. Just Nathan Grant. He didn't feel self-conscious around Charlotte. He never felt insecure or sad, because Charlotte always made sure she showed him how much she cared.

With that being said. Charlotte's body and mind were still healing. Just like they had been since she first arrived in Hope Valley. Charlotte believed that Nathan could only love her if she could physically love him in return. Nathan had to admit, the desire to hold Charlotte close ate into his very soul every moment they were together, and even when they were apart. He was strong enough to know their boundaries and always let Charlotte take the lead in each new display of affection they shared. Allowing her to make the decisions of when she was comfortable to move them forward. He'd happily walk each step along that path with her because Nathan saw what Charlotte didn't.

She had changed. Just like he had. The people they were that morning many months ago, were not the same people they were today. Human beings were always evolving. Impacted by their environments and experiences. Charlotte had learned to trust. The citizens of Hope Valley had shown her she could.

They helped Charlotte with her classes. They listened and supported through Charlotte's darkest days of revealing her past hurts. They showed her she was not alone anymore. They pointed out how brave of a woman she was. They gave gentle and guiding nudges, helping to pull Charlotte and Nathan closer together. They gave Charlotte friendship, just like Charlotte had given all of them.

In her time since coming to Hope Valley, Charlotte had also become a mother. What started out as simple moments fishing, reading, and sharing ice cream with Allie. Had evolved into sleepovers at Charlotte's and deeper conversations. Charlotte had been able to fill such a void in Allie's life. One that even Nathan hadn't fully realized was that hollow for his niece.

And what about everything he and Charlotte had personally overcome in their time together?

Charlotte had originally struggled to just look Nathan in the eye, be in his presence by herself, and now? Now they were not only able to hold hands, but dance, hug, touch. While yes, they had yet to kiss, Nathan knew it was just another step along the way towards Charlotte continuing to heal. When she was ready, he would be too.

As for Charlotte's concerns for a "complete marriage". Nathan did have his own reservations if she would ever be comfortable enough for all aspects of what was assumed to be a part of fully becoming husband and wife. While it would be difficult for them both, Nathan knew he would respect Charlotte and her healing process. If down the road, they decided they wanted more children. Nathan knew there were other ways to complete their family. The time spent in Brookfield with the Coulters had shown him that.

It wasn't just the physical side of Charlotte and Nathan's relationship that had driven change for them both. It was their shared experiences that pushed them to do so. Nathan was one of the first people Charlotte had confided her past to. They had lost a child together and experienced the pain and sadness that goes with, while still becoming a parenting team to raise Allie. And how many deep conversations had Nathan and Charlotte shared in these past months? They talked about their childhoods, parents, and past relationships. Their careers and what led them down that path. Their loved ones lost and how that had impacted who they were today.

What they hadn't talked as much about was their future. Together. God knows it was what filled most of Nathan's thoughts during the days and many of his dreams at night. Them together with Allie. In their house on Bill's land. Correction, their land, since Nathan had signed the paperwork for that and Allie's guardianship just a few days after Charlotte's birthday party.

The future Nathan had been envisioning for them seemed to be falling into place perfectly. This was all he had ever wanted. All he needed. There were only two things that still seemed to stand in his way.

One being the unsettled issue of Beck McEntire. He was still out there and according to Gabe's reports, still as evil as ever. Part of Nathan wanted to bury his head in the sand and pretend that McEntire did not pose a threat to his and Charlotte's future happiness. But he knew better. As long as he was free, Beck would always be lurking in the shadows of their life. And for some reason, Nathan knew that until Beck was put behind bars forever, Charlotte's healing would never be complete.

The second uncertainty for Nathan was Charlotte. He knew they loved one another so deeply. It had been obvious from the start. Even in her refusal of his proposal, Charlotte seemed only concerned with Nathan's happiness and not her own. But Nathan wondered if their love was enough for Charlotte to have changed her mind. If a life together, as husband and wife, not just neighbors and friends, was what she wanted as much as he did.

Maybe all the times in Nathan's life he had done without. Without love. Maybe they were all a test. A test to see if he deserved the love only Charlotte could give him.

Because Nathan believed with his whole heart that God sent Charlotte into his life to give him something to fight for. To show him there was love in this world. To give Nathan hope and to bring joy into his and Allie's life. All the proof of God Nathan needed was in Charlotte. She was a gift that could only have been sent from the heavens.

The thunderstorm had moved to the east and dawn was beginning to loosen the dark hold of Nathan's room. Spurred by his thoughts, Nathan sat up and reached over to his bedside table. He opened the drawer, shuffling a few items around until he found what he was looking for.

It was a promise he had made to someone else a very long time ago.

This chapter wasn't a part of the plan. What started out as a simple build up for what is to come in the next chapter, kind of took off and ran away from me.

I haven't really done a deep dive into Nathan's thoughts since Chapter 9- "A Day Away" (30 chapters ago… that is crazy to me)! But that chapter was one which you all seemed to leave reviews for and love on, so I thought you wouldn't mind a re-visit to see where Nathan's mind is at now so many months later.

When this was the direction my fingers on the keyboard took me the other night. I rolled with it. I hope you love its development as much as I do.