Chapter 40- A Year
"Charlotte." Nathan knocked gently on the back door to Charlotte's row house for their morning coffee. As he waited for her to join him, Nathan took a seat on the steps. Looking out at the mountains to the west and noting how different the landscape was today compared to a year ago. Heavy rains, like what had come through earlier this morning, were a normal occurrence this summer in Hope Valley. Ensuring that the grass, flowers, trees, lakes, and rivers were vibrant and full.
Much like the changes he had seen in Charlotte since the wildfire. Life sprung forth all around Nathan.
The morning was quiet. Normally when Nathan and Charlotte had their coffee this time of year the birds were singing, but not today. A sense of unease settled into Nathan, and he turned slightly and knocked a little more persistently on Charlotte's door.
"Charlotte. Coffee."
This time Nathan listened more intently to the noises coming from inside Charlotte's house. He waited for a creak of the old wood steps under her weight. The sound of her even pace as it crossed the kitchen floor. Or the rattle of the lock and doorknob as she twisted them open to join Nathan.
But none of those sounds came.
Nathan's heart began to race. He jumped up and was prompted to beat on the door until he remembered Charlotte's past with Beck and the attack. Instead, he again knocked, but louder, before taking a step back and yelling up to the second floor of Charlotte's house.
"Charlotte. It's Nathan. Is everything okay?"
There was no answer. No movement. No sounds of any kind coming from inside the house.
Nathan panicked. What if something had happened to Charlotte?
What if Beck…
Nathan swallowed the lump that instantly formed in his throat. He left the cups of coffee and returned to his house. In one of the kitchen drawers, Nathan found what he was looking for. A key to Charlotte's house. Charlotte had given Allie the key months ago to use in case Nathan ever had to leave town unexpectedly for work. That way if Charlotte wasn't home yet, Allie always had a safe place to stay.
Nathan returned to Charlotte's house and again called out. Waiting a moment for a response that never came.
He didn't want to do this. He didn't want to enter Charlotte's home without her permission. Especially after everything she had experienced. But at the same time, he needed to know she was safe.
And the need to know she was safe overpowered everything else.
Nathan turned the lock and opened the door a crack. At that moment he realized he had not come prepared. What if Beck was here? Nathan hadn't brought his pistol. He hadn't called Bill for back up. He was an open target. What good would he be to Charlotte if…
But on inspecting the first floor, Nathan realized he was alone. It appeared as though Charlotte had not been downstairs yet this morning. He quietly closed the door behind him and walked over to the base of the steps.
"Charlotte," Nathan called up to the second floor. "It's Nathan."
There. He finally heard something. Nathan took a couple steps up the stairs.
"Charlotte. Are you up here?"
Crying? Did he hear crying?
Nathan climbed the remaining stairs two at a time. The door to Charlotte's bedroom was closed. He stopped in his tracks. As much as Nathan wanted to rush to Charlotte. He shouldn't move forward. He couldn't move forward.
"Charlotte. Darling," Nathan's voice was barely above a whisper. "Are you alright?"
"Nathan?"
Nathan released a breath he hadn't realized he had been holding.
"Yes, sweetheart it's me. When you didn't answer the door this morning, I thought…" Nathan's voice broke. "So, I went and got the key you gave Allie to use. I needed to make sure you were okay. Are you okay?"
A sob came from the other side of the door that spurred Nathan to place his hand on the door handle.
"Charlotte. May I come in?"
There was a long pause before Charlotte sniffled "Yes."
Nathan gently pushed open the door to reveal Charlotte's petite body still in bed. Her blankets were wrapped high on her frame; Charlotte's head barely visible under their cocoon.
Charlotte's eyes crossed the room to where Nathan stood frozen. Her cheeks were wet, and tear stained. Charlotte's wavy hair lay limp and lifeless across her pillow. And her eyes, red and puffy, showed she had been crying for some time.
"I'm sorry," Charlotte's voice cracked through the silence. "I'm sorry I couldn't be there. I couldn't come down and face you. Not like this. Not how I am."
Nathan took a couple steps forward before stopping when he saw the return of fear flash across Charlotte's face.
Charlotte closed her eyes and took a deep and shaky breath.
"When that storm came through this morning and woke me up," Charlotte began. "I remembered what day it was. Nathan, a year ago…"
Charlotte again had to pause. She used the corner of the blanket around her shoulders to brush a stream of wet tears from her cheek. Nathan's hands clenched in response. How he wished it was his fingers brushing Charlotte's pain away.
"A year ago, today is when… is when Beck attacked me. And I just don't think I can face that memory today."
Nathan's mind raced. She was right. In a few days' time it would mark a year since Charlotte had first arrived in Hope Valley. A year since she had first crashed into Nathan's life. How could he not have realized that the anniversary of her attack may have this effect on Charlotte and her progress.
"I just wanted to stay buried under these covers. Hidden away. Let the day appear and disappear without leaving the safety of my bed… And hope that tomorrow it won't hurt as much. That the memory wouldn't be there anymore."
Nathan took a few steps closer gauging Charlotte's reaction. When her muscles softened at his approach, he moved still closer before kneeling beside Charlotte's bed, so his eyes were even with hers. Their grey color clouded and murky, but still glistened with an icy hue. Charlotte's eyelashes, thick and wet from tears, blinked rapidly as Nathan reached over and took one of her hands that lay atop the sheets at the edge of the bed.
"Do you remember what you told me, Charlotte?" Nathan spoke softly. "What you told me at Christmas time?"
Nathan watched as Charlotte scanned her memory. The furrow in her brow softened.
"My promise."
Nathan nodded his head. "You told me that you couldn't guarantee that memories of that night wouldn't come back. But what you promised, is that you wouldn't face that darkness alone. You'd let me in. You would let me be there for you. To give you support. To hold your hand when you need it."
Nathan gently squeezed Charlotte's hand in his.
"If you want to spend today buried under these covers and hidden away from the rest of the world that's fine. But don't stay hidden away from me. Let me be here for you. Let me be here with you."
Charlotte again took a long and shaky breath.
"We can talk about it. We can talk about anything but it. Or we don't have to talk at all. Just don't do it alone anymore Charlotte. Whatever you want to do today, we will do it. But we are going to do it together."
Charlotte swallowed and then began to cry again. Her body was shaking with the sobs that overtook her. Nathan moved then, shifting to sit on the side of the bed beside Charlotte. He still held her hand, but now used his other to gently rub up and down her arm and back in a reassuring and comforting gesture.
"I'm so sorry you have to see me like this. I thought... I thought that I was getting better. I truly believed that we could…" Charlotte paused and looked up into Nathan's kind eyes. "But it's never going to happen, is it? Because these nightmares are never going to go away. He's always going to be there. A ghost."
Charlotte's chin quivered with emotions. "I thought I could do this," she continued. "I thought I could move on with my life and forget all the terrible things that happened to me."
Nathan squeezed Charlotte's hand tighter. "Char-"
"I'm angry!" The words burst forth from Charlotte, interrupting Nathan. "I'm angry that it happened. That Beck used me. That he made me feel less than I am. But more so I'm angry that it still has the capability of affecting me like this."
Charlotte moved her other hand from under the covers to beat atop her chest "I'm angry that it still affects my reaction to you. That's what I hate most of all! Because Nathan. You deserve so much more than what I feel like I can give you most days. Beck took this from us… I'm so sorry."
Tears threatened to spill from Nathan's eyes as he witnessed Charlotte's hurt and pain. There was only one thing he could think of to comfort them both. Nathan stood up, seeing the pang of regret cross Charlotte's face at his sudden absence. He gave her a small reassuring smile as he walked around the foot of Charlotte's bed to the other side of the mattress. Watching Charlotte's eyes follow his careful movements as she slowly pulled herself upright. Nathan sat beside her and pushed his back against the headboard of the bed before turning towards Charlotte and opening his arms to her. Welcoming her into his comforting embrace if she chose to.
Charlotte paused only a moment before closing her eyes and throwing herself into Nathan's chest. He held her shuddering body as their tears merged where their cheeks were pressed tightly together. Nathan's left arm wrapped around Charlotte's upper back while his right hand reached up to cup the back of her head. Charlotte's arms tightly encircled Nathan's neck as her chest rose and fell with each ragged and uneven breath she took.
Time passed slowly, but neither shifted from their entwined embrace until Charlotte's tears slowed with Nathan's reassuring touches and soft words of comfort.
"Charlotte," Nathan finally broke the moment when he felt Charlotte's sobs subside. "You have nothing to be sorry for. Please know that."
"But…"
Nathan shifted, leaning back slightly out of Charlotte's embrace so he could bring both of his hands to cup the sides of her face. The movement caused Charlotte to stop her rebuttal. "But nothing. You are not to blame yourself for Beck's actions. You did nothing wrong! Do you understand me?"
Charlotte nodded her head as Nathan brushed a sole tear from her cheek.
"Good," he grinned as Charlotte stayed in his embrace but shifted to rest her head on his chest. He saw her eyes shift to the bedside table he had made Charlotte for a thank you gift at the end of last summer. For the first time he noticed the items on top of it. A stack of books, including the Bible, sat on the corner beside a jar of dried flowers.
Were those the wildflowers Allie and Nathan had picked for Charlotte as a welcome to Hope Valley? Her first bouquet of forget-me-nots?
Nathan felt his chest tighten at the next discovery. The last item on Charlotte's bedside table was the picture and frame Nathan had given the night of her birthday. The moment Carson had captured them laughing and sharing a piece of chocolate cake at the Christmas dance.
Charlotte had chosen that to be the last image she saw before falling asleep and the first she saw upon waking in the morning.
Maybe she was closer to saying yes to him than he had originally thought. That was until Beck and his hauntings came back with vengeance.
"Did I ever tell you about my nightmares?" Nathan asked, causing Charlotte to lift her head off his chest to look at him.
"About Jack Thornton. For years I lived with the guilt. Thinking if only I hadn't gone after those cattle rustlers. If only I hadn't disobeyed orders. Then it would have been me instead of Jack. I didn't have a wife to leave behind like he did…"
"But you had a daughter!" Charlotte interrupted. "If it was you instead of Jack what would have happened to Allie? Elizabeth had this town. And she has little Jack now too."
"I know. But that didn't stop me from having those feelings of guilt. Like I did something wrong."
Charlotte stewed for a moment over Nathan's confession. Neither of them had done anything wrong. But both their pasts had drastically impacted their present lives. And their futures.
She shifted then. Laying her head back on Nathan's chest, encircling her arms around his torso and interlocking her fingers along his side. Refusing to let him go. Hoping Nathan understood in that moment how thankful she was that God had a greater plan for them both.
"Do you believe in fate?" Charlotte asked as Nathan began slowly twirling a curl of her hair between his fingers. "That things happen for a reason?"
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
"Exactly! That's always been one of my favorite verses. I have to believe some things are a part of God's greater plan. If in your past, you didn't feel guilty about Jack's death, would you have ended up in Hope Valley?"
"No. I don't imagine I would have."
"And me. Where would I be if Beck didn't hit me that first time. I would be married to him by now."
Nathan felt his muscles clench at the thought. Charlotte noticed too as she moved one of her hands to rest on his chest until he relaxed.
She wasn't married to Beck. She was here with him. Two very broken souls who found such comfort and love in one another.
"If he didn't attack me. I wouldn't be here," Charlotte continued. "And I think. If I never met you Nathan... I think I would always have known I was missing something. Because I would be missing you. I would have known I was missing my other half. The person who completes me. Who makes me whole."
A lone tear escaped down Nathan's cheek. He felt the same way, but to hear Charlotte agree. That she no longer saw them as two parts, but one whole. It was more than Nathan could bear.
Nathan again looked over at the bedside table he had given Charlotte and remembered what he had hand carved on the inside.
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us," he recited the Emerson quote from memory.
Charlotte lifted her chin to look up at Nathan, a smile coming across her features. "The inscription."
Nathan gave her one of his lopsided grins. "Our pasts brought us here. But it's up to us now. What lies within us Charlotte is what is going to create our future."
He moved to tuck a strand of hair behind Charlotte's ear. "I want that future together. Me, you, and Allie."
Nathan paused, taking a deep breath to steady his nerves before asking Charlotte. "Do you want that too?"
"I do." Charlotte's voice was so soft Nathan wasn't sure he heard her correctly.
Nathan's heart clenched. He didn't know if he would ever hear that from Charlotte. Confirmation that she saw the same future he had been dreaming of.
"But Nathan…"
Oh no. Here it comes. Nathan thought. Holding his breath for Charlotte's dismissal.
"What lies within me right now isn't much. I'm famished. How about I make us some sandwiches while you saddle the horses. A ride to the meadow is exactly what I think we need today. I want to replace those bad memories with so many better ones."
A hearty laugh escaped Nathan.
Way to break the moment, Charlotte. He thought to himself.
But that was another just another reason he loved her.
Nathan leaned forward to place a gentle kiss onto Charlotte's forehead. "That sounds perfect."