Chapter 58- Sacrificial Love
"I hoped you would be here," Nathan gave Charlotte a reserved smile. "We both seem to come to this spot when we need time to think."
Charlotte watched as Nathan came a little further up the path. He had put on the red serge since they had been together in his office. The jacket: unbuttoned, provided a layer of warmth against the chill of the fall day, but did little to cover the weary and broken soul underneath that walked towards her.
What had she done? It wasn't supposed to be like this. Neither of them was supposed to fall in love. Why had she even come to Hope Valley if this was how it was going to end?
A hundred questions raced through Charlotte's mind.
"May I?" Nathan gently asked, pointing at the spot on the log beside her.
She nodded her head in agreement and watched as he sat down and removed his high leather Strathcona boots and woolen socks. He leaned forward to cuff the bottom of his trousers before swinging his legs around and placing them into the water beside hers. Charlotte noticed the slight grimace that came over his face at the shocking coldness of the water.
They sat in silence. Just listening to the babble of the stream coursing over smooth stones and the birds with their joyful songs. Everything around Charlotte and Nathan seemed so unaware of the storm brewing.
"Nathan, I'm so incredibly sorry," Charlotte began. "I realized you have tried to tell me the truth multiple times over the last few months, and I just never let you explain. Everything I said to you that night in Brookfield, out by the stable, I meant it. I still mean it. I know you did what you thought was best and given the way I reacted in your office; I can understand why you were hesitant to tell me about Beck."
Nathan let out a long slow breath.
"What I am most sorry for though is the unkind things I said to you this afternoon. Especially about Archie. They were cruel and so very untrue. Please forgive me."
"There is nothing to be sorry for, Charlotte."
"Yes. There is. You have trusted me time and again with your past and what did I do? I used that pain against you and for that I am so ashamed. You've spent a lifetime trying to prove that you were different from your father. Trying to step out of his shadow and I brought that dark cloud back over you, for no reason. It was horrible of me! My stomach is in knots just knowing I said those things to you when it couldn't be farther from the truth. You are the best dad and the most honorable and caring person I will ever meet. Truly, if I were you, I'm not sure I would extend forgiveness for what I said and the way I behaved."
"Of course, I forgive you," Nathan answered. "Will you forgive me, too?"
"I already have," Charlotte confirmed. "I know why you felt the need to go after Beck. I just wish you hadn't."
"I came here that morning. That morning after your reaction to his note that Megan forwarded," Nathan looked down to where Charlotte's hands were placed in her lap. Tiny, clenched fists. He could see the indentations from where her fingernails pressed into her palms. "I saw Faith come and leave your house. I just remember a world of dread settling in my chest. I knew I needed to take a walk to clear my head. I started down the path in front of the houses and before I knew it, I had arrived here. I sat like we are now, feeling the water as it pushed past my ankles, carrying my thoughts and anxiety further down the stream. When I arrived back home that night was when I found your letter. The one where you explained about Beck."
Charlotte's body involuntarily shivered when Nathan spoke his name.
"My assumptions had been right but knowing the details didn't make the truth any easier to hear. All your fears and walls made sense. The distance you put between us. After your nightmare that first evening and then when I saw you at this stream…" Nathan's voice cracked. "Charlotte, the bruises and scratches that covered your body. I just… I just had never felt the need to protect someone more than I did in that moment. We didn't even know each other then and I felt this instant pull to wrap you into my arms and save you from ever having to feel that pain again."
Nathan's hands clenched as he spoke. His knuckles white with fury.
"It was like I could find the whole meaning of life in your sad eyes. They had seen things that I knew you would never quite be able to say aloud, but I heard them all the same. My future changed that day. In the best way. You are not alone anymore, Charlotte. I'm with you every step of the way, for better or worse."
Nathan looked over at Charlotte, her face was stoic as she stared down into the water at her feet. Unfazed by what he was telling her. A guttural scream threatened to spill forth from him. She was shutting him out and he knew it. Nathan's fingers ran through his hair in frustration.
Charlotte swallowed, "I will never be able to thank you enough for what you have done for me. What Allie, your mom, and this whole town have done for me. I will never be able to repay you for your kindness and support over the past year..."
"What are you doing?"
Charlotte finally looked at him. Shock spread across her face. "I… I don't know what you are talking about?"
"Yes. You do. You are shutting me out. Pushing me away. Why?"
"I've told you before Nathan. I'm not what you need. I don't deserve you."
"Don't talk like that. I want you here with me."
"No. All you see right now is that same broken woman on this log you saw a year ago. All you feel for me stems from that initial reaction to protect. It's your job."
"You are not the same woman that you were then."
"I am though… I wish no one else had ever touched me. I wish I was whole. I wish I was whole for you. There is no waving a magic wand and undoing my past, Nathan. It's buried deep inside of me. I will never be able to get back what Beck stole from me. Stole from us. I will never be clean and pure for you. Don't you see? No matter what I do, it doesn't change my past, nothing matters."
"You matter! You matter to me!"
Nathan could see the glisten of a tear forming in the corner of Charlotte's eye, but she was determined and stamped them shut before he could see his words getting to her.
"Please, Nathan," Charlotte's voice was full of despair. "Don't say things like that anymore."
"Things like what, Charlotte. That you matter to me? That I care about you? That I want us to be together?" Nathan shifted then, standing on the grass he began to pace back and forth. He couldn't just sit there and do nothing while Charlotte threw away everything they had built. His hand rubbed the back of his neck, trying to ease the pressure that had found its way into his strained muscles.
"You deserve so much better than me. I don't belong here with you."
"You don't believe that."
"Yes, I do, Nathan. You are noble and selfless. Honorable and courageous. A wonderful friend and the most amazing dad. You deserve the world, and I will never be able to give that to you… but someone else will be."
"Someone better than you?" Nathan lashed out.
Charlotte's face was white as death, her pain stark and raw. "Yes."
Nathan reached out to put a hand on her shoulder, but she withdrew from him. Her words "I will never be able to get back what Beck stole from me. Stole from us. I will never be clean and pure for you," finally resonated with him, and it pierced Nathan to the core that Charlotte again thought she was so soiled he shouldn't even touch her anymore.
"I'm not Beck. Try to forget about your past for just one second and listen to me," Nathan crouched in front of her, but she refused to look at him. He gentled as he saw Charlotte's heartbreaking struggle against her emotions. She was shutting down. Not allowing herself to feel anymore, in order for her to survive. Nathan understood, but he had to make her see that he was different. "I'm not going anywhere. I won't leave you. I won't give up on us. And I will be here every single time you need me. You can doubt it. You can try to push me away, because you think you are not worthy, but that will never be true. I don't care if there are a thousand reasons to leave… You are the only reason I will ever need to stay."
Charlotte stared at Nathan. She didn't blink, but the muscles tensing in her elegant neck showed him she was trying too hard to control her emotions.
"Nathan," Charlotte began coldly, trying to disguise her true feelings. "You may not be going anywhere, but I have to."
Nathan's jaw dropped in shock. No… she didn't mean it.
"You're leaving? Is it because I didn't tell you about Beck? Charlotte, I thought we just talked about this…"
"We did and I was honest. I understand why you felt the need to go after Beck, but Nathan you need to realize that this is something I have to do."
"No! I don't understand," Nathan began pacing again. What is she thinking? How could he protect Charlotte if she wasn't even in Hope Valley?
"Don't you see? I must go. To save you." Biting her lip, Charlotte forced the tears back.
"Save me?"
"You yourself said how deep Beck is in this gang. I read in that letter that they never leave loose ends. I'm... a loose end, Nathan." Charlotte's voice was heavy. "If Beck came for me, I could handle it. I've lived through it once before. I can live through it again. But Nathan if Beck knew what this town meant to me. If he knew what… you mean to me. Beck would know that the only way he could hurt me any worse would be to take you away."
"So, you are just going to run away instead?"
"At least then you would still be alive!" Charlotte was swallowing convulsively. Her eyes were huge and tormented. "You and Allie… you can have such a happy life together. And… when the time comes… you'll find the right one."
"Stop," Nathan looked at her through his tears. "Don't do this. Don't let the 'what if's" of life take away from the 'what is'. I knew the day I first saw you that we belonged together. I've loved watching you grow and change. I love watching you do things you enjoy; cooking, reading, riding, singing, fishing, ranching. Every time you get this little girl look of wonderment on your face. I love watching you with your school children; teaching and playing. You are such a wonderful role model to them. I love how you are an instant friend to everyone you meet. I love seeing you be a mother to Allie. You have filled a void for her, I would have never been able to. She adores you. I love your sense of humor and the way I can make you laugh. Especially when it's the laugh that wrinkles your nose or the one that makes that dimple on your right cheek appear. I love seeing all the different shades of grey your eyes change to, just based on what you are feeling in that moment. I love when I'm the reason for you to smile. And I love the whole idea of growing old with you and waking up to you every morning for the rest of my life."
Charlotte was filled with silent torture. She struggled against the emotions tearing at her, remorse, guilt, confusion. They became a solid mass, a hardened lump growing in her throat and chest, like a cancer spreading pain into every limb. She was afraid. Nathan had resurrected a hope inside her that she believed long-since dead.
Charlotte shifted to the edge of the log. Beginning to dry her feet in order to put her stockings and boots back on. Nathan followed suit, sitting in the grass to put his socks on and re-lace his boots. He needed to be ready to stop her if she decided to run right now. They stood at the same time, bodies coming within inches from one another. Nathan could feel the warmth of Charlotte's unsteady breath.
Slowly, Nathan reached forward, twisting his finger gently around a curl that had fallen over Charlotte's shoulder. Feeling the silky wave sweep over his roughened hand. He silently cursed Beck McEntire for doing this to them. Cursing McEntire's ability to affect their relationship. Changing the playful, flirty, and confident woman who was in his office earlier into the frightened, defensive, and scared girl who just wanted to run away.
"Can you promise me something?" Charlotte's voice was so low, Nathan wasn't even sure if she had spoken, or her words were just a figment of his imagination.
"What's that?"
Charlotte finally raised her eyes to meet Nathan's. "Promise me that when I go… you won't follow me. Take care of Allie and… and find someone worthy of you."
As soon as she spoke the words Charlotte's eyes dropped. She couldn't look into Nathan's pleading gaze any longer otherwise she would lose her nerve. Her body was violently shaking, but still no tears spilled down Charlotte's cheeks.
"No." Nathan firmly stated, reaching up and placing his hands on Charlotte's shoulders, steadying her quakes. "I can't live without you."
"Please…" Charlotte's voice cracked. "Don't make this any harder…"
"I can't make that promise, Charlotte," Nathan shook his head from side to side. "I can't promise you that, because… I love you."
Charlotte remembered Nathan's confession about his relationship with Elizabeth. It was a simple discussion they had one morning over a cup of coffee on the back step of Charlotte's house this summer. Nathan had told Charlotte about returning from a trip when he found Elizabeth alone, thinking. That was when Elizabeth originally told him she couldn't give him anything more than friendship. How when Nathan had almost been shot during a prisoner transfer the fall before, she realized it would hurt her too much to lose Nathan the way she lost Jack. Nathan had pleaded with Elizabeth, saying he would quit the Mounties for her, but it was no use, Elizabeth's mind had been made up.
"Elizabeth, look. I know you feel the same way I do."
"I can't."
"Elizabeth, I'm in love with you. Elizabeth, I love you."
Why did Nathan have to tell Charlotte he loved her? It made what she was about to do, no better than Elizabeth. She was running away from him. Unlike Elizabeth though, Charlotte was doing it not to save her own heart, which was currently being torn to shreds, but to ultimately save Nathan's life.
Nathan leaned forward slightly. "I love you." He repeated. Softly whispering into Charlotte's ear.
Charlotte's bewildered eyes again shot up to Nathan's. She couldn't breathe.
Why did he have to say those words? No, please God, no. This is a mistake. Charlotte knew he had felt that way, just as she did, but until Nathan had said it directly to her, their love almost hadn't seemed real. A dream.
"I can't give you what you want, Nathan!" She glared back at him; the dancing aspen leaves above them cast her face in a shimmer of shadows.
Nathan didn't answer for a long moment. He wondered if he could make her understand. He wondered if he could even put it into words.
"What I want is for you to love me," he said and saw the despair in Charlotte's face. "I want you to trust me enough to let me love you through this. I want you to stay here with me so we can build a life together. That's what I want."
"That life. It's a dream, Nathan. A beautiful dream, but it can't be real."
"It already is real! You can't keep running away from it, Charlotte. Don't you see that?" Nathan's grip on her arms tightened. "Stay here. Stay with me. We'll work things through together." He gently touched her cheek. "I love you."
Charlotte had known her leaving would be painful for Nathan, and Allie, but now that Charlotte knew he loved her…
His confession made her body hurt worse than the fall down the cliff in last year's wildfire. Charlotte wanted to explain. She wanted to say she was sorry.
She wanted to say that she loved him. To say. No, to scream.
"Nathan Grant, I love you!"
But the words just would not come. They stuck like hot rocks in her chest, weighing her down deeper and deeper. Charlotte could feel Nathan's gaze on her, silently pleading. She couldn't return the look. Charlotte knew if she saw the pain in his azure eyes, she would change her mind. She would stay as he asked.
Instead, Charlotte stared at Nathan's strong chest in front of her. Watched as it heaved up and down in uneven and ragged breaths. Her hands reached forward to rest there. Smoothing over the muscles that guarded his heart. The heart she knew she was breaking.
Charlotte's thumb began to gently rub back and forth across one of the gold buttons on the lapels of Nathan's serge. The motion seemed to put them both in a trance. Unable to move. Unable to speak. Only able to feel the weight of the moment.
Part of Nathan wanted to rake his fingers into Charlotte's hair and tip her head back. To bring his lips to hers in desperation. How many times had they been so close to kissing over the past months only to be interrupted?
If only she could feel his love. Maybe Nathan could convince her to stay.
But he knew. Charlotte's mind had been made up. She was strong in her convictions. Nathan didn't want their first kiss to be one sided. Him trying to physically pour his love into her. He couldn't stand the thought of forcing Charlotte into anything. Let alone forcing her to feel his love. Nathan was not Beck.
"Don't go," Nathan lips grazed Charlotte's hair as he implored her to reconsider. Begging Charlotte to change her mind.
"I thought…" Nathan's chin quivered. "I thought you felt the same way."
"Nathan," Charlotte took a deep, shaky breath and gently pushed back from Nathan's chest. Taking a step out of his hold. "Don't you see that's why I have to go. Because of what I feel for you. I'm not leaving to hurt you, but to save you. To save you from Beck. I wouldn't be able to live with myself, with the guilt of knowing that it was because of me that you…"
Nathan closed his eyes and turned them up to the sky. "You're sacrificing yourself. For me."
"Yes." Charlotte swallowed the lump in her throat as her hands glided across Nathan's torso, down his forearms, and entwined their fingers together. Her body was trembling. How could she tell Nathan that her love for him was so great that his happiness, his life, was more important than her own. No matter how painful the choice she was making. Her love for him was greater than the hurt and emptiness she knew was to come. Charlotte was giving up a life with Nathan because she valued his life and his life with Allie more. This sacrifice was the purest and most selfless way to love him. Whether Nathan realized it or not.
"Nothing I say is going to change your mind, is it?" Nathan squeezed her hands tighter, trying to steady his own quivering.
"No." Charlotte swallowed the lump in her throat. "I'm sorry."
Nathan blinked back his tears, but he nodded in understanding. "All I ask before you leave, is that you are brave enough to say goodbye. At least to Allie if no one else."
"I promise." Her voice broke.
"Charlotte, I want you to remember one thing." Nathan murmured. "Wherever you are. Wherever you may go. You will always be loved. Until my last breath and beyond, you will be loved.
*I know I have written some heart wrenching chapters, but there was something about this one when I wrote it last weekend that had me in a bit of emotional turmoil. Maybe it's because I've been writing this story for almost five months. I've become invested in trying to tell this FanFic to the best of my ability. Bringing some real-world situations and life into this WCTH world. That being said, this "sacrificial love" was hard to write. My hands shook in multiple places trying to type out the words I knew I need to put out there.
(Especially at the "one-sided" I Love You. Killed me to write after what we experienced in 8X02, but I felt it was very in character for Nathan to confess it this point, doesn't make it hurt any less though.)
I've had this scene and the scenes that are to come in my head since the beginning. While part of me wanted to deviate from this plan (especially after the challenge it was to write), I knew that I could not do a "script flip" as it just wouldn't make sense for where Charlotte is right now.
She has been through something so traumatic. While Charlotte was healing, the knowledge that Nathan has been investigating Beck has really turned her world upside down. First off, the reminder of what Beck did to her, has Charlotte again feeling "unworthy" of Nathan's love. That little seed of doubt has been placed in her mind again that says Nathan could do so much better than her. Remember back to Charlotte's conversation picking apples with Allie? When Charlotte admitted to Allie that she has days herself that doubts creep into her mind like am I worthy of love. There is a reason I wrote that scene, y'all.
Charlotte also knows how bad of a man Beck is and she knows that if Beck knew about Nathan and Charlotte's relationship, it could spell bad news. She feels the need to protect Nathan, like he has protected her all these months. Charlotte would rather walk away from Nathan and know that he and Allie are alive and well, than fear that Beck would take them away from her.
You, dear reader, and I know that Beck is a few steps ahead at this point. We also know that Nathan is an impeccable Mountie. Charlotte just can't see beyond her past experiences at this moment. She'll get there. I promise.
I hope you know how much I adore you all for continuing with this story and becoming invested in these characters as much as I have. Your reviews mean the world to me. Hopefully I was able to add in a few tender moments (I'm looking at you- Nathan twisting a finger around Charlotte's curls. Or the gold button rub) in this chapter to make up (a bit) for the :'(