Chapter 60- My Wish For You

Ever since Maise had left her side the next morning, Charlotte sat upright in her bed. Hugging a pillow tightly to her chest, wincing in pain with every swing of the ax.

Thwack…

When would he give up? He had been out there for what seemed like hours. How much wood could he possibly still have left to chop?

Thwack…

With Maise's loving presence, Charlotte had thankfully been able to fall asleep for a short while in the wee hours of the morning, but she was still exhausted. Not only from lack of sleep caused by her nightmares, but also from reliving the pain of the prior day telling Nathan she had to go away.

As much as Charlotte wished she could just forget about Beck and move on with her life as part of Hope Valley and the Grant family, he was branded into her mind. Would he still be searching for her after all this time? Charlotte knew the answer and it made her blood run cold.

She could still see his face. It was as if she had run from him yesterday and not over a year ago. He would find her someday. And when he did…

She could not bear to think about it. Even though Charlotte's eyelids were heavy with fatigue, she didn't dare go back to sleep. The nightmare would begin again and take the course it always did.

Thwack…

Charlotte felt as if she was suffocating. The life within her was physically being pulled from her lungs. It was as if losing Nathan and Allie was like losing the air that she breathed.

Thwack...

Just go away Nathan and leave me be. Charlotte thought.

At the same time Charlotte longed to be near him, to hear his voice, to see his eyes light up when he looked at her. Her body ached for him, for his warmth and his touch. Her emotions were in absolute turmoil.

"Charlotte," Maise creaked open her bedroom door. "Nathan's outside."

"I know." Charlotte responded in a much harsher tone than she had wanted to. Especially after all the kindness Maise had bestowed upon her in the past hours.

"I think he is waiting to see if you would like to have coffee this morning," Maise gave a weak smile, but already seemed to know there was no swaying Charlotte.

"I'm sorry, Maise, but I still don't feel well. With this headache and lack of sleep last night, I think it's best I just stay in bed today."

"Ok," Maise nodded, her head dropping slightly in the motion. "I'll let him know."

Maise closed the door behind her at the same time Nathan took another swing of his ax. Charlotte wincing with the finality of it all.

Charlotte listened closely, hearing Maise's steps down the wooden stairs and her unlocking the back door. Nathan's ax instantly falling silent. Charlotte leaned closer to the window, straining to hear Maise and Nathan's conversation.

"I'm sorry, Nathan, but I don't think Charlotte will be coming down for coffee this morning. She isn't feeling well."

"Not feeling well?" Charlotte could hear the sense of panic in Nathan's voice. "What's wrong? Should I go get Carson or Faith?"

"No. No. I don't think it's anything as serious as that. She still has her migraine from yesterday and she didn't sleep much last night."

"How do you know that she didn't sleep?"

Maise paused. Charlotte knew she was debating on how much to tell her son from the night before. "I heard her become sick in the wee hours of the morning. I helped clean the mess, while Charlotte freshened up."

"Is Charlotte still that way? This could be serious, I don't care what you say, I'm going to get Faith and bring her over here."

"Nathan, stop. There is no medicine Carson or Faith can provide that will fix this for Charlotte.

"How do you know that?"

"I know."

"Was she having one of her nightmares?"

"You know about her nightmares?"

"Of course I do," Nathan lashed out. Charlotte could picture him pacing the ground like a caged animal. Wanting to get to her. Combing his fingers through his hair in frustration. "I thought they were getting better and then…"

"Whatever happened between you both yesterday, I know you two will work it out."

"What makes you so sure?"

"Because you love her, and she loves you."

"It's not that easy, Mom."

"No. Love isn't always easy, but it is always worth it. You two belong together. It's clear as day."

There was more discussion between the two that Charlotte couldn't quite understand before she heard Nathan's backdoor open and close, followed closely with her own. A short while later, Nathan returned to Charlotte's house. He and Maise were again talking in hushed tones.

"I'm going to go out of town for the rest of the day. I'll be back for dinner."

"Okay," Maise replied. "I think Allie and I are going to spend the day at the library. Give Charlotte some peace and quiet to recuperate. Hopefully her headache will be gone by this evening."

"Will you make sure to keep an eye on her?"

"Of course, son."

They said their goodbyes again before Charlotte heard Maise's footsteps nearing her door.

"Charlotte," Maise pushed open the bedroom door with her hip, carrying a tray in her hands. "Nathan wanted me to give you this. He still brought over some coffee, and I made up some toast. Please make sure to eat it and get some food in your system."

Maise set the tray on the stand beside the bed. Charlotte saw that included on the tray with the coffee and toast was a poetry booklet of Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Maise noticed where Charlotte's eyes landed. "Nathan thought you may want something to read today while you rest, so he sent that over as well. He is riding out west of town today and Allie and I are going to the library. We will all be back by dinner. I hope you will be able to get some sleep and are feeling well enough to join us later."

"Thank you, Maise," Charlotte's voice was low and full of emotion. "Not only for this and last night, but for everything you have done for me. I hope you always know how much it has meant to me."

Maise squinted her eyes at Charlotte. "Why does that sound like 'goodbye' and not 'see you later'?"

Charlotte looked away from Maise's questioning look. She didn't know what she could say to make Maise understand.

"Charlotte," Maise's calm voice pulled her focus back. "I know Nathan would never tell you this directly. He would never want to feel like he was holding you back if there was something you really wanted to do. But I truly believe there is nowhere, other than this town, that you could be safer. Or more loved. Please remember that."

With that statement, Maise turned towards the door and closed it behind her.

Charlotte heard Maise and Allie leave the row houses, talking and laughing as they made their way into town. Charlotte's heart again ached at the thought of leaving them all. How in the world could she keep her promise to Nathan? How could she possibly tell Allie that she was leaving?

Charlotte vividly remembered the girl's reaction a year ago when she had found Charlotte packing to leave Hope Valley after telling Nathan she could not marry him and had been let go from her teaching position.

"I couldn't hear everything, but enough to know that Uncle Nathan asked you to marry him, and you said no. How could you say no? Don't you love him? Don't you love me?"

"Allie, it's not as simple as just loving someone…"

"No, it should be that simple!"

Upon Allie seeing Charlotte's partially packed trunk she had questioned, "Are you leaving us?"

"Allie, I have to go. I don't have a job here anymore. I cannot stay in Hope Valley. Please understand. This is for the best."

"Best for who?" Allie spat before turning and running out Charlotte's door and directly into danger.

How could Charlotte prevent something similar happening this time? Maybe she should write Allie a letter? Explaining why Charlotte felt the need to leave? She wasn't abandoning Allie, but rather trying to save her and Nathan and everyone else they held dear.

Charlotte decided she couldn't just lie in bed any longer. If she was going to go through with her plan of leaving, she might as well start packing up a few belongings she could travel lightly with.

As Charlotte began the process of sorting through reminders of her time in Hope Valley, she was overcome with grief. Since making the decision to leave yesterday afternoon, Charlotte's convictions had held strong, no more tears could be shed over her choices. She had to do this to save those she loved. At the same time Charlotte wished, that at least in the safety of her own room, she could cry. Then she might feel better.

Charlotte laid down on the floor and reached below her bed, pulling a few items out she had stored there including her traveling bags. It wasn't until her hand landed on a lightly dusted white box with her name written on top, did Charlotte bulk.

The Christmas Angel.

Charlotte held the box to her chest. Squeezing the gift tightly, she remembered the Sunday afternoon Allie and Nathan had given her the present and upon the journey back to the Grant home, Charlotte had reached for Nathan's arm, turning him gently to face her. Charlotte had raised her arms above her head and fell back into a pile of fresh, fluffy snow.

"Are you alright?" Nathan inquired with worry in his voice.

"Yes."

"Then what are you doing down in the snow?"

"I'm making a snow angel. Don't you remember how to make snow angels?"

"I remember," Nathan smiled as he fell back into the soft snow beside her as they began moving their arms and legs in sync, forming angels into the powder behind them.

"Do you believe in angels?" Nathan had asked, leaning up on his elbow to look over at Charlotte.

"I think they are all around us. You've got to look hard sometimes, but they're here. Whenever anything good happens to us."

"I think I see one." Nathan answered, reaching forward to brush a snowflake from Charlotte's cheek.

A growl of anguish tore from Charlotte as she stood. Part of her wanted to throw the angel across the room in frustration, the other wanted to package it carefully into her bag as a reminder of the love she had experienced in Hope Valley.

Charlotte closed her eyes and tried to see Nathan's face, but she found that the image was no longer enough. She couldn't touch him. She couldn't feel his arms around her.

What was she going to do? The feel of utter defeat made Charlotte lost. She glanced over at the tray Maise had brought. Still laden with a plate of uneaten toast and Nathan's coffee mug.

Like an out of body experience, she reached forward and took the small leather-bound booklet into her hands. Her fingers touched the embossed lettering of the cover. Charlotte had read these poems and musings before and always seemed to find comfort in Emmerson's words. Her thumb went to the back pages and ran along the edges until it came to stop. The top corner of the paper was gently folded over, drawing her attention to it. Charlotte opened the booklet further to see what had drawn Nathan's interest to mark that particular page. Her breath caught seeing Nathan's scrolled handwriting in the margins along one of Emmerson's writings:

Charlotte,

"This is my wish for you:

Comfort on difficult days,

smiles when sadness intrudes,

rainbows to follow the clouds,

laughter to kiss your lips,

sunsets to warm your heart,

hugs when spirits sag,

beauty for your eyes to see,

friendships to brighten your being,

faith so that you can believe,

confidence for when you doubt,

courage to know yourself,

patience to accept the truth,

My Love to complete your life."

How in the world after every hurtful thing that Charlotte had said to Nathan the day before did he still have such unwavering, steadfast love and faith to continue pursuing her?

"What I want is for you to love me. I want you to trust me enough to let me love you through this. I want you to stay here with me so we can build a life together. That's what I want."

"That life. It's a dream, Nathan. A beautiful dream, but it can't be real."

"It already is real! You can't keep running away from it, Charlotte. Don't you see that? Stay here. Stay with me. We'll work things through together. I love you."

Just as Charlotte felt her resolve crumbling down around her, a loud knock sounded at her front door and a familiar voice called out.

"Charlotte! I know you're in there. Come down. We need to talk."