Chapter 62- To Make You Feel My Love

*Sorry everyone this has taken a little longer to get put out there. After last week of being off the road for work, I was back to traveling this week, so I didn't get as far in the story as I was wanting to. After the last few rough chapters, hopefully I start making up for it here…

Nathan and Joseph had worked longer than either planned to. It had been a productive afternoon and Nathan was thankful to have both the friendly company and the distraction to keep his mind occupied.

Now that he walked the path back to the row houses from untacking Newton at the livery and stopping off at the jail to drop off a few things, Nathan's heart was filled with dread.

Would Charlotte be there? Did she still believe that running away was best for everyone involved?

Nathan's hands were tucked deep into his pockets and his head hung low, watching the dust that his boots would kick up in the breeze with each slow step he took forward. With the change in the seasons, the sun was beginning to sink over the horizon earlier each and every day; casting the light behind the row houses in a golden glow. He took a moment to glance over at Charlotte's home. It seemed dark.

Empty.

Nathan's heart sank. He looked up to her bedroom window, praying he would see some sort of life coming from within. A shadow. Movement from behind a curtain. He silently prayed for any sign of hope, but none came.

Did Charlotte even say goodbye to Allie like she had promised too?

Nathan turned the knob, pushed open the door to his house and closed it behind him. He looked around the space and called out, "Allie? Mom?"

"Charlotte?" He muttered under his breath.

There was no answer.

Dirt and grime clung to his skin and clothing from the hours spent sweating and laboring outside. He needed to bathe and change before dinner.

Whomever that may include tonight.

Pulling the suspenders off his shoulders, Nathan untucked his Henley from the waistband of his pants. The first floor was dark in the waning light of day, so Nathan turned and lit one of the oil lamps just inside the entrance.

It was then he noticed it. His heart sped faster. Hammering against his chest.

Beside the framed picture of Maise, Allie, Charlotte, and himself at Fred's adoption ceremony, sat a plate of fresh snickerdoodle cookies.

"Charlotte," her name came out weak and breathless.

His head shot up and again searched the space for any sign of her. His eyes landed on the guitar in the living room. An envelope with his name scrolled across the front, lay atop.

Nathan rushed across the room and took the note in his hand. He ravished it open. Needing to know where her heart lie. His soul; hungry for her words.

Nathan,

I wish I was brave enough to tell you this all in person, but I'm not. One look into your eyes, would have caused me to crumble and I would not have been able to say all that I needed to say. Because of that, I hope you accept this letter for what I am not strong enough to say out loud.

I'm sorry.

Knowing you the way I do, you would be telling me there is nothing to be sorry for, but there is. I'm sorry that I was not able to keep my promise to you from Christmas. I promised I wouldn't do it alone. I wouldn't face the darkness of my past without you. I also had promised in Brookfield that I would always be there when you needed me. To hold your hand. To make you smile. And when you were ready to tell me, I would be there to listen. I broke those promises and for that I am so incredibly sorry.

I'm not perfect. Far from it most days. I make mistakes. I let fear and my past overcome me.

In your words, I let the "what-ifs" of life take away from the "what-is".

And our "What Is", Nathan. Our "What Is"... It's magic to me. Something I didn't even know existed outside of fairytales and why every day with you seems like a dream to me. But it's not a dream. With you by my side, reality is better than anything I could ever imagine.

Yesterday, I told you that I wish I could be whole for you. While, yes, because of my past, parts of my soul have been stolen from me, what I failed to mention in our discussion was that you Nathan Grant, you and your unwavering and steadfast love have filled those holes in my life. I am whole because of you.

You are my missing pieces of the puzzle. With you I am finally complete. I've realized that sometimes all you need is one person that shows you that it's okay to let you guard down, to be yourself, and to love with no regrets.

I told you yesterday to find someone worthy of your love, because I wasn't sure if I deserved it. While I am afraid I may never feel I deserve the forgiveness, faith, and love you consistently bestow upon me, I have made the decision that I no longer want to run from those affections. I'm tired of feeling unworthy of it and finally hope I'm strong enough to give you as much as you have given me.

Do you remember the first time I wrote to you? The night that you returned from Brookfield and I left you dinner, cookies, and a quick note letting you know that Allie was safe and asleep at my house? Do you remember the last part of my letter?

"Figured it was time someone took care of you for a change."

I hardly knew you then, but I could already tell it was always you taking care of everyone else. Allie, your family, your friends, this town. Me.

If it's okay, I'd like to do the same for you. Now and forever more.

When it seems the world is against you, I want to be the one to offer you a warm and comforting embrace. When life gets you down, I want to be the one to dry your tears. I want to make you happy. I want to make you laugh when you are having a bad day. I want to be your confidant. I want to spoil you. I want to be beside you as you're fulfilling your dreams- encouraging you every step of the way.

I want to be your partner. Your other half. I want to wake every morning with the feeling of being curled up in your arms with your fingers threaded through my hair and the soft feel of your breath on my skin.

I know there are storms all around us, the winds of change are blowing wild and free, but I want to be your harbor from the uncertainty. The place you turn to feel safe. I'm ready to be unfailing.

Just as you have been for me all this time.

Nathan, my reaction yesterday came from a place of fear. The thought of losing you scares me, petrifies me actually. Especially when I stop and consider that it could be because of my past that you get taken away. I've made myself sick with worry and concern.

As much as I fear what may come from Beck's investigation and arrest, I'm tired of letting him dictate what I feel. As much as I fear the thought of what could happen, the thought of not being with you scares me more.

I've had time to think today and remember past conversations with not only you, but also our friends.

Weeks ago, Rosemary and I had a discussion. She told me something that I haven't been able to shake since, that "There will be hurt. Times when you are disappointed or upset with one another. Or heaven forbid, a time comes when something bad happens to one of you. But when you love someone, you open yourself up to the hurt that comes with feeling something so fully. None of us know what God has planned for our futures or the way it will all unfold. We can miss the pains in life if we choose to stand along the sidelines and not take a chance of getting our toes stepped on. But in not letting yourself fully experience every emotion, you are also going to miss the beautiful dance life gives you."

Then today Lee came by and we went for a walk. He told me "What both you and Nathan need to realize is that you don't have to sacrifice yourself to show how much you love one another. You don't just have to die for the people you love. You need to live for them too."

It has always been hard for me to say what's in my heart. I'm not nearly as brave as you are, but I've realized I'm not only ready to live for you, Nathan, but live with you. You asked me yesterday to trust you to love me through this. To stay in order for us to build a life together.

I'm not going anywhere, Nathan.

This is where I belong. You are with whom I belong.

I have finally found the place where every single thing I see and every single thing I feel tells me to stay.

To fight.

To love.

There will be difficult days ahead for us. And uncertain ones, but like your quote of Emmerson, I need to have faith to believe that we have a future to build together.

And Nathan, I've realized that doing this together, that is how you will be safest. I need to tell you everything I know if this is going to work. I need to tell you about Beck; his job, his acquaintances, his behaviors, and his thought process. I have no idea if it will be of any help to you, but if I have learned one thing over the past day, it is this; you and I, we are far better together, then we ever are apart.

Let's be a team. Bring justice for what happened in my past and then start living that life together I think we both are ready for.

Forever Yours,

Charlotte

Nathan's hands shook with emotion. His body; unsteady.

Charlotte wanted to be with him. She wanted to build a life together. Charlotte's words; carefully crafted made it easy for Nathan to feel the love pouring from the pages in his hand. The weight of it all was almost too much for Nathan's heart to bear.

Most of all he was overcome with the realization that she had stayed.

She had stayed for him.

Thwack…